how to deal with a soon to be ex spouse with bipolar

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purpletulip
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/23/2008 3:04 PM (GMT -7)   
hi all,
i am new to writing in this forum although i have read different posts for a while now, trying to figure out my husbands' behavior.my husband is very self centered, moody, and single minded. i've  been having many problems in my marrige to him for years. he will never take blame for his mistakes, and will turn things around to make it look like it's my fault or somebody elses. he is a very intelligent man and at times can make me feel like there is something wrong with me. i caught him viewing ****ography several times and when i confronted him, he said that i had problems and i needed  a therapist. he has at times called me insecure and jealous, but i just wanted him to realize what he had and that the grass is not greener on the other side. he has alot of problems financially, which causes great hardship at home. we have a son together and he is very moody with him,some days he is fantastic to him and encouraging and other days he is totally unrealistic with his expectations. my son just wants his father to accept him. i am afraid my son will end up with emotional problems, if he hasn't already started.my husband has gone through some good phases where everything seems normal and he can be giving and kind and then he'll do something to stir everything up again. it is almost impossible to discuss anything with him because it soon turns into a big fight, which he will again blame me for. i feel that there's  no getting ahead with him. he also treats aquaintances better than his own family... does anyone have answers?  if so i would love some input.
thanks for reading my extremely long post.. 
 

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/24/2008 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Purpletulip,

Welcome to HealingWell. Your husband does sound extremely moody, but I'm definitely no doctor. I couldn't say if he was bipolar or not. Any chance you could get him to a psychiatrist? (I get the sense that he'd be really resistant to that.) He could just be really moody and grouchy. There are other disorders (borderline personality disorder for one) that have some of the traits you mentioned.

For your own peace of mind, I'd try not to worry so much about the adult materials. I doubt he's making any comparisons -- don't feel threatened. As long as your own needs are still being met, you're good. (I'm trying so hard to be language-neutral about this. :-))

In the meantime, take care of your son and yourself. If you're worried about your son, talk to him. Ask him if his father's behavior upsets him. Ask him if he'd like to talk to a professional about it? Maybe he should talk to a therapist about it. I definitely think you should see a therapist. You've got a lot of frustration and stress to work through. Your marriage isn't what you expected it to be, you've got a moody and distant husband, and you've got financial troubles. Having a professional to talk through your stresses with is such a lot of help. I really recommend it.

I hope this is helpful,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/26/2008 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Purpletulip, You are not crazy, and what you are describing sounds like life as a BP spouse. However, you never specified if your H was BP. If so, how is he taking his dx and how long since the dx? Is you H medicated properly? I too am a wife to a BP and what you are describing I deal with quite a bit as well. However, what I am learning is that there are two separate issues going on. 1) are the personality quirks that cause my spouse to behave the way he does, react about things...it has to do with how he was raised, who he is as a person...etc. Now with that said...we move to 2) the BP exacerbates it, magnifies it all, creates less patience to deal with the issues between you as a couple so, less gets accomplished or dealt with…the swing…two steps forward, 1.99999 steps back, etc. But you see the initial problems are not necessarily BP fault. Does that make sense to you?

I will say this….that unless your spouse owns his own condition, and strives daily to not have it exacerbate or control your lives and the issues between you…what you have as a life today, will be your life tomorrow. There is NO easy fix, and you can not do it for him. All you can do is take care of you, and your child, and make a choice to stay or not (and there is no judgment to choose to not stay BTW). Spouses tend to forget that we count to, just as much as a matter of fact, as our beloved spouses do. But sometimes it is okay to choose not to live unhappy anymore. It is a personal choice and only you can make that decision. But the fact is, either staying or going is fine, just be clear with yourself as to whatever choice it is you make taking you into account too. I wish you well. LFW

purpletulip
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/27/2008 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
THANK YOU FOR YOU RESPONSES. YOUR POSITIVE SUPPORT IS WONDERFUL. MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER SEEN A DOCTOR TO GET DIAGNOSED, BECAUSE HE WOULD NEVER ADMIT TO HAVING ANY PROBLEMS, EVER. I AM JUST THINKING HE HAS BIPOLAR DISORDER BECAUSE OF HIS BEHAVIOR. HE DID HAVE A TOUGH CHILDHOOD WITH A VERBALLY ABUSIVE, ALCHOLIC STEPFATHER. I HAVE A LOT OF COMPASION FOR HIM BECAUSE OF THAT, BUT IT HAS CAUSED TERMOIL IN OUR LIVES. I AM SEEING A THERAPIST NOW AND IT HAS HELPED. I KNOW IT IS REALLY UP TO ME TO LET GO OR NOT. I HAVE TO THINK OF MY SONS BEST INTERESTS, THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME.
THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR HELP.
PURPLETULIP

aloneandhurt2008
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/22/2008 8:17 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh how I know what you're going through. I dated my husband for three years, and never really noticed all the signs. We married just 6 months ago, and life dramatically changed! I feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado. The change in behavior was extreme...or better yet, erratic and unpredictable. Financial issues started becoming evident, mood swings, an immense amount of lying, erratic driving, and verbal abuse, just to name a few. But like you said, there was no room for discussion...it was everybody's fault...but his. He began picking arguments with family, co-workers, etc. There was so many things happening all at once. Both my son and I would wait and watch how he looked when he came through the door at night...his body language would say how the night was going to go. After more than a few hair raising nights, it really came to head one day...and I packed a bag for my son and I...and we went to stay at my parents. That night he drank excessively, puched out a picture frame, and even went to a point of sending a text that he would do something to himself. I knew I couldn't go back at that point. But he continued to spiral. I took my conerns to a psychologist, expressed some of the behavior, and she was more than concerned. She feared him being physical was the next step (but she also stated she believed he had BP and possibly an additional illness..as does his brother). I was so afraid for him, and so scared at the same time.  I tried to talk to him, to get him on my insurance so he could seek a professional...but he wouldn't budge. But the final straw was him directing his behavior towards my son. It upset my son so much...that he said enough is enough.

Now I cry like never before...I miss the man that he was (or can be), but I can't help him if he won't admit there's a problem. My heart breaks, my marriage is over, and I lost my best friend.

But I had to take care of my son and I....it was all I could do.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/22/2008 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Aloneandhurt2008,

Welcome to HealingWell and the bipolar board. I'm terribly sorry to hear of the problems you've endured. We've had a mass proliferation of new spouses join recently so you're in good company. Read some of the recent threads (this one is over a month old) and you'll find plenty of people who can sympathize with your plight.

Thanks for joining and I hope you find it useful. Keep writing and let us know how you're doing.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


UnforgivingBPworld
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/25/2008 3:02 PM (GMT -7)   
I just joined this message board and if this thread is still active, I will respond with my story.

iMedix
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/26/2008 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   
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Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 11/27/2008 8:31:51 AM (GMT-7)


UnforgivingBPworld
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/26/2008 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I am also the wife of a bipolar, ADHD husband...who also has two boys 16 and 13 with these disorders. I have been living a life of misery and destruction for 4 years and see no relief in sight. I love this man and our family more than anything else in this world, but my love is not enough to keep me sane any longer. He has destroyed my will and desire for happiness, since any form of it in my world has only been temporary. My own children have left me (which they can do...all being 18 and older) and I am now alone in a bipolar world of caos, rage, hurt and financial woes. I would like to believe I am not the person I am becoming...I have an AAS and BS degree, I work for wonderful executives at a Fortune 500 company, and i have always had a desire to succeed and help others succeed, I am also a very spiritual woman even though I don't attend church on a regular basis. I just had my 40th birthday, which was devistating enough on its own, but even worse than being 40, I hate my life. In the past 4 years my life has been filled with court battles, children issues, ex-wife battles, hatred, rage, abuse (mental and physical) by him and all three of his boys, counselors, doctors, psycologists...you name it. I'm at my whits end and clinging to my last rope. In fact, I am trying to do research on the mental and physical destruction that bipolar relationships have on the "normal" ones living in that world. I haven't had much luck. If there is ANYONE out there who can help me understand what I am going through and how to overcome the effects it has had on me and my family, I will be eternally grateful!

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 11/26/2008 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   

 

Well you have started well with talking about it. It may be you cant save your marriage but you need to worry about yourself first. I am a mild bipolar and it is a tough road to hoe, dont want to think if i was severly bipolar. There are lots of friends here who can talk to you and help you along. People here from both isdes of the issue. Just take a deep breath, and talk to us here. We will alll help as much as possible with advice, jokes, and good intentions. Plus the holidays makes everyone a bit wiggy. So just count to ten, and check back here when you need a shoulder.

    Bill


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/27/2008 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi UnforgivingBPworld,

Thanks for joining HealingWell and the bipolar board. We're glad you're here and hope we can help you.

First, I had to delete a few of your posts because Rule #16 states No Duplicate Posts, so please check out the Rules.

Bipolar Disorder is extremely difficult to live with, both for the sufferer and their loved ones. May I recommend the book "The Bipolar Disorder Handbook" by David Miklowitz. It's designed for both bipolars and their families and has great tips about living with the disorder.

Are your husband and his sons being treated? Are they on medication? Do they actually take their meds? Are they in therapy? They need both of these things. You also clearly need to get into therapy if you're not already because the stress of the disorder is weighing so heavily on you.

Let me say this though -- You should never put up with abuse of any kind. Being bipolar does NOT excuse it. Please don't allow it.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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