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Joy-(not always)
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/26/2008 1:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi. I've been reading you all for a little while, but haven't had the strength to engage until now. I've read so many stories that break my heart and that I identify with- it's comforting but also a little scary. I am considered rapid cycling bipolar 2. I actually have cycled constantly with a lean to the mania side and many mixed episodes for at least 4 years now that we can track. It's physicially, mentally and emotionally exhausting to never have ANY normal time. I'm very angry at times. I've been on over a dozen medicines and a handful of additional resources trying to help. Nothing has helped- except alprazolam a little. I'm getting ready to try ECT as a last ditch effort.
The reason I was so compelled to write is because of the last post by jb something? Forgive my memory- Lithium.
I was 29 when I was finally diagnosed. I had beat my husband in every way, our 2 boys observed numerous fights than I wish to remember, and I did every possible thing that a bi-polar person would do over and over again minus drugs and alcohol. I WAS a children/youth pastor and the daughter of a Senior Pastor. I had suffered under the radar for a good 20 years and was well known in our 36,000 member community as a city wide organizer. Many people had trouble believing that I was sick at first. But my husband and I knew what was happening at home. He is a GOOD man. He is also very laid back while I have a difficult temperment by nature. He took a lot that he probably shouldn't have. What I have had to live with is the things that I did at the end of my "career" as a pastor. I so desired to do God's work yet the bi-polar delusions, the seduction, the flirting, the rage, etc. all caused me to make decisions that could have harmed numerous people. I started mistaking the voice of God for the "feelings" of bi-polar. I am grateful that during that last year we stepped down our place of ministry to "rest," even before I was diagnosed. Yet the feeling of needing to supervise and be there for others was a driving force to exacerbate my illness. I don't have answers for anyone, unfortunately, but I hope my story will shed light on something for someone else. God bless your days with peace.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/26/2008 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Joy,

Thank you for joining our board and welcome to HealingWell. I'm glad you finally got up the strength to join us. The problem with mania is that it can often be handy. There's a book you may have heard of by Kay Redfield Jamison called Touched By Fire that argues that some of history's most creative people were bipolar. I think you could make the same argument for all kinds of dynamic people. President Lincoln, for example, is believed to have been bipolar. The energy it takes to propel oneself into a place beyond the normal scope of creativity or dynamism or leadership or what have you can be gleaned from mania. Not exclusively, obviously, since not all leaders are bipolar, but just that it is not odd to me that someone could be a community leader and also be bipolar. The two things could absolutely go hand and hand. But when they turn sour, it's going to go very badly, just as it's going very badly for JRB. I'm glad you have somehow come through this and moved beyond it. If you wanted to tell us more about that, I would appreciate it, but you certainly don't have to if it's too private.

Thanks for writing, please keep doing so, we're glad you're here.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Joy-(not always)
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/27/2008 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Serafena. I would be glad to share all I can...not everything is figured out, but it's coming. Lithium prohibits my memory in sections. I'm sure you understand. Today not as clear as yesterday. Thanks again.
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