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lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 10/12/2008 6:08 PM (GMT -7)   
I wrote a response in the thread "Bipolar Wife". My husband has been gone for close to 4 weeks now...told me he was going to get a divorce. It was our wedding anniversay Friday. It was so lonely. He was here on Thursday while I was gone to pick up his and my stepson's bikes. My 15-year old was home and my mother was hiding in the bathroom because she didn't want him to know that she was here. He threw an empty pack of cigarettes in the driveway and deliberately left a chew pouch in a place where I sit (he started chewing because he knew I didn't like it), like to show me, "see, I'll do whatever I want". I talked to my attorney today. He had me leave a message with my husband to call him last Tuesday to see if we should drop a case against someone who harmed us. He called him back right away, apparently. My attorney asked him if he wanted him to drop the case because of the break-up and because our relationship has something to do with this case. He our attorney that he would still testify if it would help me. It's like he's trying to hurt me and help me at the same time. My attorney asked if there was any chance of a reconcilliation and he said "no", he is "definitely going through with a divorce". Yes, he's said he was going to divorce me before, but the sitting around waiting for the papers is such a horrible feeling! I love him so much and he DID love me not too long ago. I'm getting so sick and losing weight from it. I had to go on antidepressants two years ago when he disappeared for 2 months. He left me 6 months ago, too, for a week- said he was going to divorce me but this time I think he might do it.He leaves the same time every year, and when he didn't last year, he thought about it.
 
Has anyone else ever experienced this frequent abandonment? Has anyone else who has bp done this to their partner and can shed some light as to what's going on with him...what he might be thinking? He's on this mission to improve his life...why couldn't have done that while he was with me? Everytime he does this, he tells everyone that I'm trying to change him, and I'm not. But then he leaves and all of the sudden, he cares about being responsible and trying to fix his credit. He says that he just wants to be happy and it's a bad marriage. I thought he WAS happy with me most of the year, when he wasn't cycling. Am I going crazy? We were camping together a month and a half ago, laughing, being together. One confrontation and he's gone. shakehead He said he loved me but we're not compatible. I don't understand it because aside from the bp, we have just about everything in common. When I called him the morning after he left and said that I wanted to go to counceling, he said he didn't want to- he didn't want to start over again with me trying to make it work. But he'll start new with someone else? I don't understand and I'm lost and alone cry

moreAmor
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 49
   Posted 10/12/2008 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   
When I was going through some severe hypomania, my friends started to abandon me. Later on I found out it was because they were afraid and didn't know what to do anymore. Like they never knew when I was going to blow up at them. That I was too unpredictable. For awhile I wasn't doing anything because I didn't know what to do, and I was beginning to accept that that was who I was and there was nothing I could do to change it. Well through some time I realized that that's not who I really was, that I had let the illness take over me and it was up to me to fix it. Just recently I've been putting effort in changing myself and getting my life back on track. And when my friends saw that, that's when they started to come closer to me again.

Everyone's different, but maybe that's what's going on - maybe he's afraid. I'm not saying it's your fault though - it's not your fault at all. If he really loves you though he'd be willing to go to counseling to make things better. And the hot-and-cold treatment isn't a healthy thing to do. And I'm not saying your husband's not a good person - I don't know that because I don't know him. But what I'd do is try to really reach out to him that you want to get better and that you are going to try to get better, and you know you can and let him know that you're going to need support. Do you see a counselor? If not I'd start seeing one - they are great help.

I wish I could say more about your situation, but unfortunately I don't have many answers because I'm not married and never have been married so I don't know much on that area...what I can say though is that during these times you have to surround yourself with positive influences. Know that you have your family and close friends to talk to. And know that you can talk to us at Healing Well anytime. I just joined Healing Well and have found it a great support system.

Just hang in there. You seem like you really want to fight through this, and I know you can overcome it. It'll be hard, but it's going to be worth it. I'm still on my way, and I know there's more to life than this illness.
I’m lonely; gotta look for a party
And dance with somebody tonight
Cuz I’m lonely; I feel empty inside
Can’t you make me feel alive?

- I | N |S | O | M | N | I | A -


“Insomnia” - the Veronicas


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 10/13/2008 11:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry, I didnt make myself clear. I'm not the one with  bipolar, it is my husband. Like I said in the other postings, he has left me on avg., one to two times a year in the past 6 years. He starts reverting back to his childhood, buying things he had when he was a kid, visiting his old high school. Then he starts getting disconected from me and the family until he has no connection to me at all. He starts drinking everyday until he finally gets to the point that he wants to leave. And his friends and family say, he just is not happy because they don't understand and support him leaving every time. The minute he gets down, I'm good enough again. Everyone acts like they are more important to him than me and the children. He said some of the most horrible things to me before he left as he has before. He acts like he hates me or like we were just dating and broke up. He always tells people I'm trying to change him and I'm not, I just love him and care about what he does to himself and family when he's manic. I don't know what to do because he's gone, disappeared again, making it clear he doesn't want to be found and I'm just waiting to get divorce papers. Worst yet, he's got my stepson with him.

1pisces
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/14/2008 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi lost wife! I experience this type of behavior from my husband quite frequently, in fact thats why I just found this site! I too am lost and don't know how to cope!

lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 10/14/2008 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
1pisces,
It's comforting to know that there are other people who understand. I'm so stir-crazy..feel like I'm going to lose my mind sometimes. What's your situation now? Is your husband still with you now? How many times has he left and come back? I'm actually talking to another guy on another site right now who is engaged to a gal who is self-medicating with pot a alcohol right now. I hope I can be some help to him as others have been for me. I need some understanding, and even though he's done this to me many times before, it's not any easier this time. I don't know why. Because I don't know if this is really "it" and if or when I will be getting divorce papers served on me. The not-knowing rips me up inside. I'm constantly looking for his car around town like an obsessed stalker. He makes me feel like that, like he just wants me to leave him alone and never wants to see me again. I don't know what to do. I've lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks and have bronchitis now. I'm going crazy and he's moving on happy happy, starting his exciting new life when a month and a half ago, he was a loving family man. He didn't just abandon me, I have two sons who considered him "dad" for the past 6 years. And I had a stepson ripped away from me.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/15/2008 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello 1pisces,

Welcome to HealingWell. We're glad you found us. Tell us a little bit more about your situation and maybe we can offer some insight and support.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi again! I just read your post. I almost laughed when you said that about the credit. That is the "exact" same thing my husband does. Then blames me for his credit being bad.

And yes, it is just being bipolar (I think anyhow). As you know, my husband has up and left many times. He literally has left with nothing. No money, ID, no car, wallet, nothing!!!!! It absolutely amazes me how someone can do that. He does not take pride in the things he has...unlike myself. The stuff I have is MINE and no one elses...I'll be darned if i just leave it. But he doesn't care! I'll never comprehend that.

I feel for you, hon! I wish I could take your pain away. I know that pain all too well and it sucks so bad. I know my husband is with me right now, but it sure doesn't feel like it. He is so far out in his own little world. He has pretty much shut me out...so I feel very much alone right now.

The one thing my husband and I have always took pride in, is our true love. We had it when no one else around us did. People were jealous of our love and I liked it that way (Sounds vain, I know) but our love is so true, its amazing! Then when he's like this...it's like a total flip of the switch. I'll admit, I can be a little nice, I'm sure...it's just so hard to be nice when he is acting like this. I don't help things for him because I have shut him out as well. Maybe I'll try talking to him later on (if he ever wakes up that is, LoL).

You saying that you'd do anything to have him back, to have your friend back, etc. really made me think about what I want. I DO want my husband and I'm so willing to fight for him. And so many people don't understand that. It's nice to have someone understand exactly what you're going through and WHY we stay with them. And you're right, if he had cancer or something like that, would I leave!?! No way! It's still a disease, right?

My husband loves to be "tickled scratched" it's something stupid that we call it...I'll just take my nails real soft down his back and he just loves it. Well, I haven't done that for over a month. That is the special attention that I give him, know what I mean? Now I feel bad that i haven't done it. Sometimes I don't do things because he does nothing for me, and that is probably a stupid way to think, huh? I don't know, I'm so confused right now. Sometimes I feel like I am bipolar, honest to God! I look at all the symptoms and think "OMG, I have all of those". I don't have the irrational thoughts though. I don't know if you're husband is like that or not...but my husband, at times, has a mind of a 12 year old. He does NOT think about consequences to his actions...just like a 12 year old does. I was reading an article on bipolar and it talked about when a person first gets it, that's the time they always go back too. And this made so much sense to me because I believe my husband has had this since he was 10 or 12. So, when he is cycling, he goes back to that age. My husband NEVER talks to his mother, but when he is like that, that is the first person he calls. My husband has also been running since he was a kid. Running away from home, from juvenile, ect. His mother left him when he was around 10 or so. She just up and left..went to Florida with a guy and got married. He didn't see her for over a year. Makes so much sense, huh? His Grandfather also killed himself. I think he was maybe bipolar as well.

Sorry, I just ramble on about things. Just feels good to let some of this out and to talk to someone that totally understands. I don't have anyone that understands in my life. Everyone thinks I"m crazy for staying with him. Including my own kids, my mother, friends, etc. My own mother tells me all the time that he is just childish. She says that she does not believe in bipolar. It drives me crazy! She always says "Well, if that is true, then we all have bipolar". OMG, she kills me!

Ok, I'm done for now. Thanks for listening to me. Feel free to ramble on to me. I love listening to others stories, makes me feel so not alone. :-)

kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 11:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry, I'm back. I just read something you wrote to someone about how people influence your husband. I wanted to tell you a story about my husband when it comes to that.

Back in March, when he left once again, he did this in the middle of the night. This time, he actually took money with him. He took every penny I had in my wallet, this is the first time he stole off me. He took about 700 dollars and it was my bill money. I woke up in the middle of the night, he wasn't in the bedroom, I went downstairs and he was outside with the dog. For some reason I didn't think about him being all dressed and having his coat on. I went back to bed for about 20 minutes, then knew something was wrong. Went back outside and he was no where to be found. I called his cell, he actually answered and said he was so high he didn't know where he was, etc. Like your husband, my husband was a very bad pot smoker (he has been clean since he was in the hospital in March) anyhow, I was freaking, scared to death he was going to get hurt. I go looking for him, etc. Came back home and realized he stoled all my money. Kept calling him, no answer, didn't hear from him until 4 days later when he was in Tennessee. Anyhow, 2 nights before this he watched a movie, I can't remember the name of it now, but it was about a guy that goes to Alaska, leaves his family, no one knows where he is, etc. This movie influenced my husband so much when he was manic and that is one of the reasons he left that time. This movie would have been my husbands life if he had kept running. The guy ends up dying at the end and I asked my husband about that and he said that he didn't think about the guy dying, just the adventure he was on. How ridiculous is that? My husband, when he's manic, thinks he is CIA or something. He thinks that no one can hurt him and he can do anything and not be touched. He finally admits he is like this and actually told his Dr. about it. Surprise, huh? He literally thinks he has powers to where he is so strong he can fight anyone. My husband is very strong, don't get me wrong...unusually strong actually..but last October he was in a UFC fight. He held his own, but because of his pot smoking, he lost his wind and the guy knocked him out. This took a HUGE toll on my husband, he was so ashamed of himself. He had to go to the hospital and when I walked in, he was just crying his eyes out because of shame. I kind of felt bad for him, but in the same sense, I was hoping that this would knock some sense into him and make him finally realize that he is NOT super human....of course, it didn't and he still thought that until he got help, and probably still thinks that at times.

Anyhow, my point to all of this was how things influence them when they are manic. My ex-pastor, who has personality disorder, actually got my husband to leave me last May. It's a long story, but like your husband, my husband was telling everyone how miserable things were, etc. Which was soo untrue! My ex-pastor totally talked my husband into leaving and he now admits that if it wasn't for him, he never would have left me. Funny how people can influence them when they are like that, huh? I don't know if you believe in karma or not, but my ex-pastor is now getting a divorce, lost his church, all his friends, was arrested, etc etc. Talk about karma!!!!!

Anyhow, I just wanted to share that with you. They are very influenced when they are manic, I 100% believe that!

needinreassurance
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/23/2008 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I feel you guys! Although my husband hasn't actually LEFT yet, I have a feeling it's coming. Almost every day he has to come up with some excuse to get out of the house, away from me and our son. He is definitely manic right now, but was just prescribed Symbyax, so I really hope that he is serious about taking it and getting better. I know he's having an affair, too. And that is definitely fueling this mania. I just hope that the down comes soon, because this is definitely ripping me up inside. I mean, not that the "down" is good, but at this point it's definitely better than the mania! He is spending money left and right (and not on bills or anything), hasn't really slept for a month now, always gone, definitely cold acting to me and our son, is always on the phone with HER (I'm assuming), in fact he ran up a big bill on his company cell phone that we had to pay for (sure wish I could see that bill!). His parents are the "brush it under the rug and it will go away" types, so they're not being proactive anymore about getting him better. I'm sure he's telling them that he's taking his meds and is just fine, when that's about the farthest from the truth! He's all caught up right now in getting this DV case his ex wife filed exponged from his record for some reason... I know it's a false case, as he would never lay a finger on me physically. Also, I don't think she ever did anything with it since it has no trial date, but is for some reason on his record. Anyway, it is a crappy situation we're in, but our husbands/SO's are ill. I just keep reminding myself that this isn't the man I married right now, but I know he's still in there somewhere. I hope he comes back before it's too late! I love him SO much, and it hurts SO much. :( If any of you want to e-mail me, I put my address on my profile. I would love to keep in touch with you seeing as how we have so much in common!

lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 10/23/2008 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
The influence IS unbelievable. My mom and I were just talking on the phone about during lunch. People give advice from what they see and not what they know and it's TERRIBLE advice. I know exactly what movie you are talking about. We were watching it, and I was thinking, "Oh my God this is the last thing he should be seeing". I kept thinking he would start applying it to his own life and up and leave. a few months ago I was talking about how I was going to do this online program to become an electrical engineer since I'm already doing that line of work. A week later he had been looking into online programs and said, "I'm thinking about taking this program (the exact same one) and becoming an electrical engineer". When he left me months ago, right before that, I told him that it hurt me that it felt like he wasn't close to me, like there was a wall between us. The day after we were driving and he's looking straight forward and says in a cold voice, "We're not close. We should be friends but we're not close that way" and left the next day. It's amazing because he repeats things as if they are his own original thoughts. This is the same thing he said to me before he left this time. Said we weren't compatible because I'm me and you're you.

kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 2:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. When I was watching that movie, I had such bad anxiety because of it. I could see it in his eyes that he was "inspired" by it.
My husband goes through those spells of saying that as well. Tells me we should just be friends. That I'm his best friend and that's what we need to be. He hasn't done that since he left in March....but i know once a manic state hits, here we go again.
I already talked to my husbands Dr. about what to do when/if he goes manic again and he told me that all I have to do is go talk to him and he OR I can go to the police station and have him put away again. It was nice to know that I could do that. My husband hasn't really become violent towards me...maybe a few times, but nothing big, know what I mean? BUT, he has literally tried to hurt others before. My daughters ex-boyfriend was one of those people. The poor guy had to go into hiding and actually called the cops on him. I KNEW that if my husband found him, he would have hurt him. Again, there's a long story behind it...but no one should EVER have that much anger in them. So, because of situations like that one, he is known to be violent towards others. That alone can let me lock him up. I hope it never comes to that...but I'll do what i have to do. My husband really isn't a bad guy. I guess that makes him sound totally nuts. I'd have to explain the situation to you for you to understand it all. :-)
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