Familycaregiver and the effects of a bipolar spouse

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familycaregiver55
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/19/2008 8:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I the husband took care of my wife with kid gloves, for 37 years. The last 20 as her ardent supporter, and diligent caregiver. As the caregiver, bipolar people dont know the pain they inflict on us. She is ocd and borderline personality disorder. One morning after shes had litihum for years she decides not to take it. I wasnt aware of it. Until the crap hit the fan. Rages insued. Manics and depression, and aneroxia. I tried getting her help, to no avail. One day she asks I clean napkins with her, I says no. Rage begins, so I leave. She called the cops filed charges of domestic abuse. Two days later, cops call me for an interview. Seems all ok. Following week, rages again, so, I leave. But suprise, she called the cops, again domestic abuse. Different this time. Arrested thrown in jail. Arrainged in court next day, and found out the charges, OMG. Restraining order in place, now cant talk to her. She is very dependent on someone taking care of her. Shes called me over 400+ times since this happend, Aug 2008. Restraining order, and I'm afraid to talk with her for ending in jail. So, losing the house cant aford to pay for two places, I'm 100% disabled, shes threatend to put me in jail for years. My son knows the truth. I left the state, till the court date. In the mean time she has lost so much weight, its like the song angel on my shoulder and the devil in my mind. I called doctors, community mental health everyone to get her help. After a month of running wild they finally got a hold of her, but, only held her a few days and she signed herself out. She has everyone believing I'm the devil. I know the truth and so do my friends. It hurts so much to not go home, to not talk to the one you've lived with for 37 years. All of my belongings were sent to the local auction, I found out. So I went to a shrink. A lot of good that did, he wanted me to take tests to see if I was to blame. Wanted my lawyers number too. I wanted help dealing with this problem of seperation of loss. I hadnt done anything wrong. Now I'm living out of state with my son, his wife just had the most beautiful baby. Tomorrow, will be moving into an apartment, and will deal with the loss, of the seperation, of financial ruin, falsely accused of something I never did. Theres more, her gambling, shoplifting, spending sprees, a bankruptcy, and then this.  Remember bipolar people, TAKE YOUR **** MEDICENE!!!!! Why because you're ruining everyones life around you when you dont and thats not what you intended. I'm sorry you dont feel good but we're here to help you through this and of all things you dont want to destroy us, the people that love you. Will I ever get back with her, no, will be getting a divorce as soon as the court is over with. The pain is unbeliveable. At 56 I'm ready to die, but my son and his wife encourage me and I'll not be a burden to them.

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 10/20/2008 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
familycaregiver,

First, I would like to welcome you yo HealingWell. Wow, you have been through a lot of rough things. Unfortunately, when some people get off their meds it affects them and everyone else around them more than they think. That is why it is important to stay on meds. I am glad that you are hanging in there even through these nasty times, hopefully good things will come out of this in the end. Please know we are here for you and there are other people on the board who can truly relate. Again, welcome!!!

Olivia
Olivia
Bipolar Co-Moderator


Only by seeking challenges can we hope to find the best in ourselves. ~Robert Rodriguez

Don't let your yesterday ruin your today.


okonner
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 10/20/2008 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear familycaregiver,
Welcome to healing-well. I too was married to a bipolar husband for 16 years. I knew if I wanted out the storm would go from clouds to a hurricane in 2 seconds. He never went to the Dr so to this day thinks it is normal to be the way he is. Trust me I was in trouble if the carpet was not vacuumed right or someone walked on it before he got home. He also would bring his many girlfriends over for me to cook a nice dinner. If I asked " how long have you been sleeping with her" The beatings started. It was ugly from day one but I was young and dumb.
When I did leave to a different state he followed and stalked me like an animal. Kidnapped, raped, beat me. All of this to get me back. I called the cops and was told " He is a great guy who just wants his family back" HELLO I was being beaten and abused verbally. What people say to you never leaves it haunts you till you find the right help. He too took everything but the kids and that was fine by me. I just wanted my life back.
You are still young and can start over. Trust me many of fine women would love to meet a kind and caring person like yourself. Smile and think of it this way...YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE BACK...and you can always come here to vent...Good luck and Godspeed........Okonner

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 10/20/2008 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   

 

 

familycaregiver, I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  I am a BP spouse as well.  I am 16+ years married.  No...it is not easy.  I know it all seems so unfair for you, and IT IS.  But, the part that we get to be responsible for in the mix is that we chose to stay...all those years ago when we learned of the illness – all throughout the ups and downs….We keep putting them first.  If we took as good care of ourselves I often wonder if we would stay the way we do.  Now, in my case, I have young kids and I owe it to my “family” to keep them a part of every decision I make until they are grown.  But I am lonely a lot.  Not at the moment so much because he is screaming or yelling…that for the moment seems to have stabilized.  But there is NO affection of ANY kind between us.  No hand holding, hugs, cuddles...NOTHING.  So you already know the lovemaking is out too.  Okay, so I am not young anymore, but I am hardly old either, I’m still attractive (even if I have a few pounds on me), I am still quite attractive, and I feel like I am dying on the vine.  BUT...I choose to stay for my family.  I wish things were different.  I wish there wasn't so much in the way to make this better.  I wish I had help from him.  But I don't and that is just the way it is.  And if things go way south at some point…I will have to own the conscious choices I am making.  Makes sense?  I could leave, I choose not to, I justify it because he is a mild BP (a fact that doesn’t change how hard this all is), because I have young kids who need their family together, because I do still love him, because I do still have the hope it will improve, because I made a commitment, etc.

I have no doubt that you had moments like this in your 37 years together where you made the choice to stay.  Especially after your kid(s) were grown, and you still opted to stay.  The fact is, it is tragic what has happened to you.  But what there is for you to learn about it all is that you didn't put you first; you didn't even take as good care of yourself as you did of her.  Now you feel lost because you don't know how to put you first.  It is time to learn my friend.  I know to have stayed and loved her for 37 years, must now feel like you are trying to go on without your own limbs.  But in a way you are experiencing a death of the life you knew.  A death of the woman you loved.  Like any other person experiencing this sudden loss, there are support groups at ANY local hospital about grief and dying.  Go to a few groups until you find one that feels right.  You will be amongst people grieving just like you and it will help...a lot.  Many are feeling that same devastation, just with different stories attached to it.

As to the court thing - Seek help from your ex-wife's psychiatrist.  There is documented evidence of her mental condition, and documented evidence to show classic out of control BP behavior.  This should fully exonerate you - unless you too DO have a problem as well, which only you know the truth about, or they have solid evidence against you with DNA proof to back it up.  Without that, cleaning this up should seem like a technicality. 

BP or not, your wife is still responsible for her own condition and behavior.  She chose to not take her meds...the BP did not.  There are plenty of people on the board that view their responsibility to their condition as their number one priority, because only then can they love responsibly the way the want, or lead the life they want, or be the person they want.  And when things go off...they immediately take action to resolve it responsibly.  They talk to their support network, they see their doctors, they enter the hospital if need be.  That is taking ownership of their condition.  They don't hide it, they don't play games with it, and they don't blame others.  I am sorry that your ex was not one of these people.

Good luck to you moving forward.  It is time to put you first.  Take care of you.  You are still a young man and you will immerge from this in the end okay if you take as good of care of yourself now, as you did of her for all those years.  Never loose site of the fact that YOU matter TOO!  LFW

 


familycaregiver55
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/20/2008 3:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for all the advice. It is all very helpful. Now its time to reinvent myself. Thanks all.

luvluvmedo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 10/21/2008 9:13 PM (GMT -7)   
  Hey there, I am sorry for your pain, I too am a wife of a bi-polar man that is also an alcholic. We have been married for 39 years. We have had great times and the worst of times. He will not take responsibilty for his actions and he is living in a half way house now  and trying to work out all of his issues. He has been sober for 45 days now and I was just starting to feel a little bit positive when tonight I come home and there is a message from a show girl from a strip cub saying she missed him and hadnt seen him for a few weeks. I am again heartbroken. Why do I stay? I dont know!!! I hate to talk to him because if I mention this call he will probably go off the deepend. He is like 2 people. I really need to get out I am 57 and sooo tired of all the lies. He is out of the house now and it is actually peaceful. I miss hime but not enough to let him back in. I am not sure what to do and I am so tired of all of this. cry

lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 10/21/2008 9:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm terribly sorry to hear what you've been through. My mother-in-law has done the same to her husband. She's bipolar like my husband but is not aware that she is. I know she is. She gets drunk and gets in her husband's face. One time she tried to egg him on into a fight. He's a big man. She started pushing him and when he had to hold her arm to get her off him, she bit him and ripped his shirt and scratched him. She attacked him full-on. He left and went to his house. Yes, they live separately because she attacked him once before and moved out to a house provided to her by her parents because of his lack of sexual kinkyness. She then called the police on him. They went to his house and saw the wounds. Went to her house and made her take a breath test. She had called me one hour before, joking that if I didn't hear from her, she would be in jail. Well, guess what? Yep. They arrested her and she couldn't go back home-spent 3 days in jail. There was an automatic restraining order placed on her. Wouldn't you know, the whole family turned against her husband for "allowing" her to go to jail instead of him going himself. There was nothing he could do even if he wanted to. But he's an outsider- not blood, just like me. She then kept calling him, crying and wanting him back. So eventually he moved back in with her. She recently got hammered again and told him to get out. So he did. She went crazy and told me a bunch bad stuff about him. Next thing you know, she's crying and saying it was all her fault and didn't think he'd actually do it. The whole family totally hates him now because she never tells anyone what she did or that it was her fault. Like me, no one will listen to him. My brother-in-law hasn't talked to her in months. She then started messing with my relationship and manipulated my husband (who is manic right now) into leaving me so they can get drunk together and validate each other. My heart goes out to you for what you've had to endure for so long, as, I've only been going through it for six years but think it is over as well. Just know that you have friends here who feel for you and understand.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/22/2008 8:05 AM (GMT -7)   
I just want to remind everyone, not to invalidate your experiences, but for the interest of peace on the board, that this board is populated by bipolar patients. Most of us work very hard to contain our disorder with the use of medication, therapy and self-control. NOT all bipolars are like the ones you are describing. Please remember that.

Thank you.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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