Need help ASAP...I don't know how much longer I can do this.

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kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/22/2008 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband was diagnosed with bipolar in March. Though I've known for years he has had it, just hearing someone finally tell him and "finally" giving him some meds, seemed like it changed everything.

Here is a quick background. Been with my husband for over 10 years. In those 10 years he has up and left 5 times. He usually has no money, no ID, nothing...just leaves. I usually hear from him 4 or 5 days later. He's usually in another state and is a mess. The last time was in March. He ended up in Tenn., we live in WV. He was a complete mess. Was talking about suicide, etc. I told him if he came home, I'd take him to get him help. Which he did 2 days later and admitted himself...that is when they diagnosed him. For the first 3 months after he got out, OMG, life was GREAT!!!! He was doing soo good. Then he lost his job (that's about 50 since I've been with him). He got another job, but it didn't last long. Since Aug. the Dr. has gave him time off work...which has totally devastated us financially. We have lost our house and are now living in a basement with some friends. We are about to lose our car and have absolutely no income coming in.

My problem is: all he wants to do is sleep. He wants to do nothing else..and when he is awake, all he does is watch TV. He has no desire to do anything else. I feel like I'm about to lose it. Living in our friends basement has really really taken a toll on me. I ask him everyday if he wants to go somewhere...anywhere, and it's always no. I can't leave him alone because I'm afraid of what he'll do. So I'm stuck here! He sleeps an average of 12 to 16 hours a day. I don't know what to do. I have taken him back to the Drs. at least 4 times in the past 3 months and they just keep changing and uping his meds. What do I do? I'll be darned if this disease ruins my marriage. I'm trying sooo hard to hang on....but some days, I'm not sure how too. I love him so much and he's really a good guy...just has bipolar. I don't know what to do. I see no hope for our future and that alone makes me sad. I feel like I'm truly going insane! I'm not sure which is worse, manic or depression. It's gettin to the point where I have to force him to take his meds at night. I just hand him them with some water and make him take them. Sometimes we actually fight about it...but it's a battle that I will NOT lose. I may lose other ones, but not the meds. I know without his depakote, he would be 100% worse. The Dr. put him on busbar, and he didn't even take one single pill. They now have him on welbutrin, and again, has not taken one pill yet. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like screaming...and leaving...but I can't.

Anyone have any advice for me? I have my own medical problems and feel like I have to put them on the back burner to deal with him. He used to be so understanding and caring about my medial conditions, now he just ignores them all. It really hurts sometimes. I have done so much research on bipolar, so I am aware of everything...just really fed up right now. Again, I don't want this disease to ruin my marriage...but how much does one person have to put up with? I know that if I left he would go down hill fast. Honestly, he'd probably end up in jail or dead. That alone keeps me moving forward some days. But then there are days like this...that I just want to run away and never look back. It is 3:12 pm and he has been sleeping since 1 am last night. When I try to wake him up...he is sooo angry and cusses me out. What do I do? Please, someone tell me something. Thanks for listening!!!

Diskus
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 10/22/2008 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kirsten,

My fiance is bipolar and he went through a similar depressive cycle recently. He went back on meds in January (depakote, wellbutrin) and the wellbutrin stopped giving him the lift he needed, he entered his depression, sleeping all day, no motivation, sadness (for both of us) until he was eventually hospitalized and underwent a medicine tweak (more than a tweak, changed his mood stabilizer and a steady dose of lamictal).

I understand how frustrating it must be to have him only meet you half-way. I know how gut-wrenching it is to see the one you love sink as your husband has. I know the questions you pose to yourself. Can I do this? What will the future look like? Would I leave him if he were a diabetic, etc?

You have to think about yourself as well. Especially if he's not committed to treatment. Please know that you're not alone, but also you have to be proactive for yourself. YOu can't lead him to his pill bottle every evening while neglecting your own, so to speak.

 

Hang in there and keep us posted.


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 10/22/2008 4:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. My husband left me 6 weeks ago. It's been a rough road, the past six years. But I'd do anything to have him back home. There were so many times I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, but I held on to the love we did have when he wasn't cycling hard. I wish I had another chance to hold my friend when he was sad and down and confused. He was ripped away from me by the mania. Everything you're feeling is normal. It's like being in a battle of tug-of-war against something you can't see and they are in the middle. I too, have medical issues I'm dealing with. My husband couldn't handle it when I got a cold. He couldn't really handle anything at times. It's hard having to be the strong one and you feel robbed at times. People tell me all of the time, to let him go, I deserve better, let him be someone else's problem. But doesn't he deserve to be loved too? And if not by me, who loves him and understands him, then WHY someone else. Because anyone else will have to deal with the same thing. I don't have a choice now. As horrible as it was, would I endure more of it- yes, because I know his heart. The only advice I can give you is to allow yourself to feel, get angry (at the illness), take a few minutes outside to yourself and get a journal. Start writing everything down, put your feelings down on paper. It's a very healthy and therapeutic way to get those feelings and emotions out of you. Make sure that he cannot find this, of course, so that nothing can be misconstrued. Then go back and show him that you are there for him. Show him love and understanding because, if he's depressed right now, that's what he needs the most. When you found him, he was lost. He made his way back to you. It's a very sad thing he's going through right now. He probably feels much alone right now. If you try to reach out to him, he just may respond better to his treatment and be more willing to take his meds. I'll pray for you. Take care.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/22/2008 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Kristenhere,

He needs to get back to the doctor and possibly the hospital. Has he talked to you at all of suicide yet? Have you broached the subject with him? Ask him if you have not. Just stay on top of it.

Insist he go back to the doctor. His meds are not working, he's not taking the new ones, he needs to talk with the doctor face to face. Only a new drug is going to break the cycle, so you really need to push this.

My other important piece of advice is for you -- get the hell out of that basement. You're going to go nuts. He'll be fine, and if he's not, if he does something , it's something he was going to do anyway and you couldn't have stopped him. That's too much responsibility for you to have on your shoulders. You MUST get a little sense of normality back in your lives or the depression has trapped both of you, and that's just not fair. Give him a little breathing room. I bet he'd even like a break.

I know you have little money right now, but you have to get some outside support to help you deal with this. All you spouses are dealing with these heavy, heavy loads all by yourselves. Look into the local wellness clinic and see if they offer therapy on a sliding scale. For you.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 9:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Diskus, thanks for responding. I feel for you too! This is absolutely the hardest thing I have yet to do in my life. And I've been through some rough stuff. Diskus, if I don't give him his pills...he don't take them...and I just can't see that happening. At least he's taking the depakote and that is keeping him from really losing it.

And I do try to think about myself, just don't always happen at times. I got soooo mad last night ( I won't go into details about what the fight was over, it was actually stupid) but anyhow, I finally just started screaming at him, I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him "It's all about you, when you're hungry, when you're cold, when you're tired, YOUR bipolar" I kind of felt bad afterwards...but an hour later he was like "Are you cold honey". LoL! Give me a break already!

Lostwife, my heart truly goes out to you. I've been there, done that. We separated once...where he actually told me he was leaving and stayed here. This was last May. We stayed separated for over a month. There is a long story behind it....but my pastor had something to do with it, so it wasn't just 100% him that was leaving. Anyhow, I know what you mean about loving them. I truly do love my husband and I married him for better or worse and I take that serious. about a month ago we renewed our vows and bought new rings. Well, mainly because he threw his in the creek the last time he left. But anyhow, I really mean my vows and I do truly love him and I know he truly loves me as well. And like you, I have MANY people telling me "GET OUT, LEAVE HIM" including my own kids. My son totally doesn't understand why I stay with him. He thinks bipolar is a joke and it's all in your head. He believes my husband does this stuff on purpose, but I know better. Lostwife, hang in there! Do you believe in God? Cause if you do, I have GREAT website for you. It's what kept me going when we separated. It shows you how to stand in the gap for your husband and NEVER let go, NO matter what. That's what I did...and there was NO hope of us getting back together...but God is bigger than all of us and can do anything. Sheesh, maybe I need to lean on him again, huh? I have lost God through all of this...a lot has to do with my old church and my pastor, but I know deep inside that it wasn't God, it was man.

Lostwife, where are you from, if you don't mind me asking? Have you seen your husband since he left? Do you have kids with him? Sorry for all the questions, just curious is all. I'm not sure which really is worse, manic or the depression. I mean, when my husband is manic, at least he is doing something, ya know? BUT, then it always ends up with him leaving, so I don't know!

Serafena, I know I need to get the heck out of this basement...it is driving me CRAZY! And to top it all off, I live with someone that used to be my best friend...well, I found out recently that she totally betrayed me, I mean, really really betrayed me. I found this out after I moved in here. So now, I have to act like everything is OK with her, when deep inside I really can't stand her now. My husband knows something is wrong, but I can't tell him anything because I know with all my heart that he would hurt her for what she has done. I don't keep secrets from my husband, but he knows I'm keeping this from him and he also knows that the reason I am is because I know he would hurt her. Soooo, I'm reallllllly nuts here! LoL!

I do need to treat him a little nicer and give him more love. I really have ignored him lately and been mean to him...it's just hard sometimes! He did apply for SSI and had his Dr. appt. the other day for it, so I"m praying that he gets it..that would get us out of here at least. He goes from making 15 bucks an hour to nothing...that is huge! I'm so financially drained it's not even funny. And what kills me is, he doesn't even think about it. I deal with ALL of it. It drives me crazy! He knows that I will deal with everything. I'm a survivor and I can't change that about myself. I can't not do things. I have REALLY bad anxiety, and I literally lay awake at night for hours upon hours thinking about all this stuff. It's horrible! I do take ambien now, so that is helping a little. My dr. won't give me nerve pills...she just keeps telling me to go see someone about my problems. Well, if I had insurance or money, I'd be glad to do that.

I don't know! Again, it's after 12 and he's STILL sleeping! UGH! He is doing a side job for some friends right now....so that is a little money we'll have. BUT, getting him up and moving is the big problem. We were supposed to be there at 2 yesterday...he didn't get up 'til after 3, watched TV until 6, then said it was too late to go over. UGHHHHHH!

Ok, I'm done rambling for now. Thanks for listening! I look forward to hearing from all of you. :-)
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