I believe my wife is bipolar. I would like some help.

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LovingHusband
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 10/22/2008 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I want to start off my saying I love my wife of 5 1/2yrs, known each other for 7yrs. We have a 5yr old daughter with no other children. She was raised in the church and got me to go before we got married and she carried strong Christian values and belief in marriage. We married at age 20 and the first 3yrs were pretty good.  She had some odd mood swings that i would say were mean towards me at times but nothing i thought was really odd.
 
Depression and Bipolar disorder run in her family. Her mother is both bipolar and scitzofrenik (spelling i'm sure is wrong).
 
The last 2 1/2yrs have been basically up and down by pretty much hell.  We decided to have more children 2 1/2yrs ago and we got preg. quickly and we soon found out that we were expecting triplets (what a shock). Anyway, she carried them into the fourth month and then she miscarried.  She took it really hard but she decided within about 2mons. she wanted to try again. We did and she got preg. again and this time she lost the child in the 3rd month.  As the husband I wanted to be there for her but she wouldn't let me. She just bottled it up inside and I watched a part of my wife die along with the pregnancy. I she would let me do nothing to help her.  In my opinion those events were the trigger.
 
After that everything went downhill.  She told me she wanted no more children. She started not treating me good and acting like all the things in or life that we built together she didn't want.. like i was holding her back from something more. Then other times it would seem like she wanted the family life.
 
This got worse when she cut out all her church friends and began a whole new set of friends that i wasn't able to be involved with.  This started to happen about 1 1/2 yrs ago. She started text messaging these new people and would ignore my daughter and I.  It escalated to a point where she didn't come home until about 4am and never called me. Then she tells me she met someone that night at the bar who made her happy and she let him touch her (i still know nothing more). Anyway i addressed that situation quickly got rid of that guy but then more came.  2 nights she didn't even come home at all.  i told her she needed to leave or she had to start working on things and i told her i believed she was sick.  we went to marriage counseller 1 time and then she refused to go again.  she fiannly started to put some effort into things and it began to improve and we went to a christian marraige conference. our ilfe was good till about May of this year when things started going downhill again.
 
She started hanging out with a guy from work (who was just a friend) but once again i was unable to hang out with him or his friends and anytime i asked questions i was prying into her business.  she went out with him and his friends and the very first night she comes home at like 4am after she called me at 2am and tells me she was at a strip club and girls danced on her.
 
I'm still trying to give her what she wants which was some freedom but she's abusing what i'm giving her and any attempt i make to gain control she says i'm to pushy or if i say this is not what married women do then i'm a controlling psycho.  (just to clarify this: by this point i'm convinced she is bipolar and she's sick and what is going on is not really the woman i love.... most poeple thought i should kick her to the curb, but i still believe in her).
 
anyway she moved out in sept. after admitting she had an affair with the guy from work in june (wk before our disney trip and our 5yr aniver.) Which explains why she acted so weird at disney. Funny thing is i now know the night it happened and she was so shook up over it that she called me to pick her up from a mutual friends house because she said she was too sick to drive home... i never told her that i know though).  It also happened the day after we got back from our beach trip.  The ****** quit his job and moved to DC while we were at disney (obviously doesn't care about her). After our vacation in August she said she wanted to go visit him in DC for the day and then come back that evening. I didn't like but she was like "trust me" and if i had blown up at her she would've just went anyway. So she went and apparently met his girlfriend and then they all went out to dinner and the girlfriend went home and then they slept together again.  Then she gets lost on the way home after i called her at 10PM and was like where are you... you have to work in the morning.  she didn't get home until like 2am.
 
Anyway she admitted the affair to me and said she didn't want a divorce and to be honest i don't either.  I have so much pain inside but I think she's sick.  She moved out because of obvious reasons and I've been taking care of the house and our daughter now for about 1 1/2mons since she left.  She apologized the day she left but we haven't talked about it since because she won't she just depressed and sleeps alot and is moody and blaims me for making her this way.
 
We've had some ups during the seperation as well. I had a babysitter one night and was out and she called me up and asked me to come over... we had fun and we had sex.  she showed up at the house about 2 nights later at 12am and wanted to be with me. It was wonderful but wierd at the same time.
 
Now she's back to keeping me away. She says she'll be involved with our daughter but not me.  She has started counselling and the therapist recommended she get evaluated by a psych. she spoke with her mother who she also admitted that during this time she had a substance abuse problem (that was news to me but i'm not suprised). her mother encouraged her to get evaluated because we both believe she is bipolar. 
 
We have a long ways to go.  Anything that you can offer will be helpful.
 
My wife has done some terrible things but i love her and i don't truly believe she can help some of what she's done.  I let this get to far in my opinion but her unwillingness to let me help her (even now) has been my greatest obstical.  I am not one to give up and i don't plan to because i love her for what i know she is not what she is now.... i still believe in her and i think she knows she's sick.
 
 

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/22/2008 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
LovingHusband,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. You find yourself in a similar situation to many people on this board, and I'm terribly sorry to hear of it. Neither you nor they deserve some of the abuse you have suffered at the hands of your bipolar mates. (And yes, the treatment you describe is emotional and mental abuse, no two ways about it.)

Bipolar does NOT entirely excuse your wife's behavior. If you're clinging to the hope that she's going to get diagnosed, get medicated and magically be herself again, you are unfortunately mistaken. Bipolar doesn't work that way. The bipolar does influence people to make terrible decisions sometimes -- especially when those people are unmedicated and untreated -- but it doesn't relieve them of ALL of their self-control. The people you love are still in there, making some decisions. Unfortunately, you have to hold your wife somewhat accountable for her actions -- at least enough to get herself to the doctor.

She needs to go NOW to a psychiatrist. If she is bipolar, it sounds like she's manic again. She needs a medical regiment to follow and she needs to stick to it. You BOTH need therapy. You have been extremely enabling in this relationship and you need to face some hard truths about yourself and what you're willing to put up with in the future.

I hope this is helpful and I wish you lots of luck. Keep writing and let us know how it goes,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 10/22/2008 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I am the child of a BiPolar mother who disappeared often, was irratic, unreliable, and in and out of hospital. Somebody has to put that chil's care before a lot of resourses go into saving your wife.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/22/2008 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Excellent point tyno.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


LovingHusband
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 10/23/2008 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   

I have focused most of my attention on my daughter. It helps me from wanting to call my wife and try to talk to her.

It has unabled me to relax more because my daughter wants to give me so much love and so i'm taking that from her and giving her the love and stability she isn't getting from my wife.

I do want this all to workout and my mother and my mother-in-law are calling my wife and spending time with her whenever possible to help guide her in the right direction.  She wants nothing from me right now so i am just stepping back some (but not gone) while i take care of our daughter and waiting for her to get to a better place where she once again sees me for what I really am (the guy the never left her side).


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 10/23/2008 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
LovingHusband, my heart goes out to you and your family. My husband is gone, too (been 2 months) and it is a very hard thing, the waiting and the not-knowing. I'm glad to hear that you are putting yourself into your daughter because I'm sure she needs it (and so do you). I have two sons (from a previous marriage) and I'm spending a lot of time with them. I'm just taking it day by day and trying to focus on my life, and not worry what he's doing (it's hard, I know). I wake up every morning to dreams of him. It drives me crazy! I'm doing things I haven't done before because I've been so focused on the family. I'm making new friends. I understand about when you say she kept you apart from her group of friends. My husband did exactly the same thing, like he was living a double life I knew absolutely nothing about. The only friends I had were a few of his friends (he "took them with him" when he left). He isolated me and never wanted to go out with me. But when he'd get moody and mad at me, THEN he'd go out with other people. He'd say that he didn't like going out because he always worried some guy would look at me or say something and start a confrontation and then he'd have to deal with it. He never trusted me, even though I've never given him a reason not to. He manifested all these scenarios in his head. Hang in there, there are a lot of us going through the same thing and we're all here for you!

kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 9:58 AM (GMT -7)   
First of all: my heart truly goes out to you and your family! My husband is bipolar, so I know what you're going through.

I have a GREAT website for you. This is the site that kept me going when my husband left me last year. It shows you how to stand in the gap for your prodigal spouse. And I'm telling ya, if you believe in God, then you'll love this site and it truly does work.

My husband and I got back together after about 5 weeks. Of course, him being bipolar, we had and still have a long road ahead of us, probably until the day we die, I'm sure.

I know most would say to leave her, but being where you are, I can't tell you that. My husband has never cheated, that I know of, but i know the hell of it all, being bipolar I mean. My husband finally went and got treatment in March...he did great for awhile, now he is cycling again. He is soo depressed, it's not even funny.

Please go to that website, I truly think it will change your life. I'll be praying for you! Take care, hon!

{I removed the web address per Forum Rule # 10. No posts of an overtly political or religious nature OR posts promoting advocacy of particular personal, medical, legal, religious, political, or non-profit causes. Please see my post below -- Serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 10/23/2008 11:54:26 AM (GMT-6)


kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 10:09 AM (GMT -7)   
one more thing; don't give yourself false hope. I did that after my husband was "finally" diagnosed. I knew for years he had it and thought once they finally said it, life would be great. But unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Life was good for awhile, don't get me wrong, but then the cycling starts all over again. Though my husband isn't manic right now, he is very very depressed and that is just killing me. And I know, it's just a matter of time before manic comes back once again.

Life will never be the way you want it with your wife. Bipolar robs you of that. My husband is a great guy, just has this problem which stands in the way of our lives. But again, that website for sure will help you. It gives you hope for your marriage. Your wife has to be willing to go get help, until that happens, you just need to keep on praying, sweetheart! Stand in the gap for her and God will do miracles...but again, don't give yourself that false hope of having that "happily-ever-after" life, because it probably won't happen that way. Its sad, but true! I'm in a depression myself because I thought life was going to be great after he was in the hospital, but its not. :-(

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/23/2008 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kirstenhere,

I honestly believe you were only trying to do some good in the world by passing along that web address, so please don't be upset I removed it. HealingWell keeps it's forums strictly secular, however. Rule # 10. No posts of an overtly political or religious nature OR posts promoting advocacy of particular personal, medical, legal, religious, political, or non-profit causes. The forums are intended for offering mutual personal support. Debating controversial subjects should be taken elsewhere. Limited religious references are allowed (ie. "my prayers are with you" or a brief quote as part of a larger post), but the forums should not be used to convert others.

I do absolutely understand you weren't trying to convert anybody. If LovingHusband is interested, perhaps you two could communicate by email. Don't put your email addresses on the board. Put them in your profiles and you can exchange them that way.

If you have any questions you can email me.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 11:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, ok! Sorry, I guess I didn't read the rules. Maybe I should do that. Thanks for the advice.

If you want the website address, please let me know and I can give it to you through Email. :-)

LovingHusband
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 10/23/2008 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, please email me the information. God was a big part of our marriage at first but not anymore and i believe we need that back. I don't know what the right steps are at this point. I have thought about begining to see someone of treats people with bipolar disorder to see if they could help me in dealing with her changes and actions but i don't know if that would be helpful or not.  jst don't know what the right thing is to do anymore and I begining to feel more anger at her lack of action than compassion and sadness for her and it scares me because it tells me i'm starting to run out of energy and hope for our marriage. I don't want that. I want to be able to stand strong for her because i know this is going to be a long road but with her not letting me in and treating me poorly i simply don't know how much i have left and i'm scared by that.  

kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok, but I'm not sure how to get your Email address? They said you can't put it on here...so what do we do? LoL! I think someone said you can post it on your profile, is this correct?

LovingHusband
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 10/23/2008 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
if you click on my profile name then u should be able to see my address.

needinreassurance
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 10/23/2008 12:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes, you can put it in your profile, that's what I did, and I would love to communicate with you guys!! Go to the Control Panel option on the top blue banner, then you can edit your profile.

kirstenhere
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/23/2008 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   
needinreassurance, I'm going to email you in a bit...have somethings to do right now.

Loving husband, I sent you that site through your Email. :-)

LovingHusband
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 10/23/2008 1:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you. I will check it out this evening.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/23/2008 7:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Did you all figure it out? You can click on the blue name to pull up someone's profile. If they've put their email address in their profile it'll be listed there. Or, you can click on the little envelope and an Office window will pop up with the email address already inserted.

Thanks everyone!
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


LovingHusband
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 10/23/2008 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   
yep we got it. thanks

cantgoback
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 10/24/2008 6:26 PM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like you need a lot of help. I truly admire your willingness to forgive your wife for all she has put you and your daughter through. You may feel that you have no choice, but you truly do, and so you deserve a pat on the back for being so strong. As a Bipolar person. I can see the behaviors your wife is exhibiting, and they truly do represent Bipolar. As others have said, there are aspects of bipolar that cause people not to behave as themselves. This does not mean we do not make concious choices - even if they are poor choices, we still know that we are making them. Do not let bipolar be an excuse - you still need to hold her responsible for her behavior.
 
If you are looking for some marrital support, go to survivinginfidelity.com, this website helped my wife and I save our marriage. We are still struggling, but since my diagnosis things have been better. I am medicated and working fiercly to change my bad behavior and make responsible choices. I consider my wife to be an angel for taking me back after what I put her through. I hope for you that your wife will someday be able to appreciate all that you have done to be there for her.
 
 

Repo
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/25/2008 12:35 AM (GMT -7)   

 

  Welcome!

  You are not alone;my wife has some bad mood swings also and I found that just being able to vent on this forum can really help.

  I think once You're wife gets some medical help things may improve for Her!

  But being bluntly honest as far as Her flings go the only thing I can say is You have put up with more than I would and do not

  expect that to improve with meds.Perhaps in time (if you can take the pain ) that will come to an end also!

                                                              Good Luck

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