What is bipolar like for you?

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serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/25/2008 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I'd like to hear about how bipolar affects us all a little bit more. Tell me about your daily life? How does bipolar make you feel? How do you deal with it? How do you interact with others?


In my life, I'm currently mostly stable but a little depressive. So I've been crying a lot over not much and very emotional. But it's not enough to impact my ability to carry on with my day-to-day activities or housework or meeting with friends or anything like that. The only person who has to deal with it is my poor husband who has the soul of a saint. He is exceptionally patient with me and understands that my over-emotional responses are due to the bipolar and not necessarily my own chosen response. We've had an extremely stressful month with a lot of money troubles (we'll be okay though -- no worries) so the stress is triggering a lot of anxiety too. I should be taking my anxiety medication more than I am but I forget to. That would help with the crying.

I can't work full time, because the stress overloads me and I spiral into cycles. I do okay with part time, but I recently quit my long-time job at a bookstore because it had turned into a very toxic environment for me and was making me depressed. I was so much happier after I quit, there was no question it was the right thing to do. But that's also part of the money troubles. :-) So I need to find a new job, with flexible hours, etc... More stress. Must be careful about all this stress.

Finally, I have a 3 year old daughter who I could squeeze to pieces, I love her so much I could cry. But she's also very active, and very needy. She wants all of my attention. A high-maintenance child. So I need a lot of help with her. Her dad is FABULOUS with her -- I'm having a break right now while they're out riding tricycles. And I've got her in daycare even though I'm not working, because I reluctantly discovered that I just couldn't hack the full-time mom gig. It made me crazy.

I deal with all this by seeing a therapist every two weeks and I can call her if I need to. I've been seeing her more than 5 years now. She's more like a trusted friend than a professional by now -- although she obviously is a professional. I take a handful of pills (5 prescriptions) and I see my psych every 6 weeks when I'm stable, every 2 when I'm cycling.

That's my life -- What's yours like?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


rimanquez42
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 10/25/2008 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

I have BP II rapid cycle and am married to someone who also has BP (both got diagnosed within 2-3 months of each other 2 years ago).

For me I tend to stay on the depressive side (AD do NOT work on me). I end up carrying most of the workload b/c my DW is agoraphobic as well... My day to day life is work. I work 60+ hours a week and come home, take care of the kids, clean, etc. I put on a good front to everyone (including wife). Luckily with working so much I rarely have time to sit down and think about things that much. When I do I tend to become more depressed and things tend to get bad (for me). Sometimes I wold like to not be the foundation and be allowed to be free to feel whatever I really feel. I have virtually no friends so little outlet when I do start going down. Luckily I do not get suicide thoughts all that often and when I do I find I cannot act on them.

As far as the BP... I'm mostly stable (usually a little down), but put on a good show. My pdoc is great and is willing to try anything to get me less depressed (right now she's stumped about why no AD ever works on me). She set me up with a therapist a few weeks ago. I may have to switch though, my DW has started going to the same one...

Right now I'm really down and wishing for things to get better... even though I really don't believe that they will.

Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 10/28/2008 2:43 AM (GMT -7)   
My thoughts race, I can not stop thinking. Sometimes its depressive thoughts & sometimes it's amazing ideas and plans, sometimes its totally irrational and crazy.

It's not too bad tho, I work full time and function at a normal level most of the time. The Doctor says I am only marginally Bipolar with a bit of OCD thrown in just to make things easier!

I think obssessively, I check my phone a thousand times a day - not entirely sure why!

I am difficult to get on with a lot of the time, I get angry over nothing & cause all kinds of trouble with my partner, then like a flash I am over it & it's gone ( but unfortunately he is still upset with me because of the hurtful things I have said!) Plus I can very very occasionally be a bit violent, which is not good.

I talk in excess sometimes, but I work on my own so I am quiet most of the day, which is when my mind really goes in to overdrive!

I see a counsellor every 2 weeks, which is really helpful & makes me feel calm, I am looking at methods of relaxation with her & also talking through past issues which helps immensly.
Confusedli
 
"The Optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose."
 
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain"


fast1toochase
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 10/28/2008 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello BP for me in the beginning when i first got dignosed, i could not stop moving, talking...... and i would stay up for days and feel like i had a good nights sleep. i would excersise like crazy, and draw up tattoos and get them. when they put me on meds everything slowed down and i became very depressed. crying all the time over nothing.
i still get a little fast, and depressed. but its so much better than before. i have been out of work for 6 months trying to get stable on meds. dr's and i think i am ready to get back to work. i may go back part time so i can still make it to therepy. it helps. i still get extra frustrated and anrgy. everything that happens now is less intense. everyone told me stay on meds. and i'll be ok. do what u need to do to get better, i think everyone is different, and handles things differently. hope all is well and the message board is helpful, it helps me so much!

tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 10/28/2008 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Bipolar for me BPII, is 90% depression with these bursts of hypomanis where I'm irritable as all get out, hughly anxious ,cranky, don't want to deal with, talk to, or be involved with anyone. Because I have to care for my 73 yr. old Dad with alzheimers, I have to get up, walk the dogs, get Dad's pills ready, feed the dogs, plan out day and fillow through with our plan. Not today thought, I will be able to do all the above but can't plan the day, I'm sick. Flu, or something and the most fearsome toothache, I've ever experienced.

I get upset and cry when dad takes everything I do for him for granted, and continually complains about everything (we only have about 1.5 acres), here. He's bored. He'll need to get used to being border cause at this rate he's nursing home bound and he'll certain to find that boring.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/28/2008 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Tyno,

I'm sorry you're sick! Feel better soon!

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 10/28/2008 12:18 PM (GMT -7)   
It is amazing to me that people with the same dis-ease can experience such different levels of severity, that one medication helps one person so much and yet does nothing for another.  I have just been "officially" diagnosed with BP, not sure if it is I or II but it has been a long time coming.  Probably because when I would talk to a Dr. about my symptoms I could not be honest enough to tell everything about my irrational behavior.  I am mostly manic with a little mild depression which usually comes about from pure manic exhaustion. I do not relate well to other people, barely get along with coworkers to keep a job, have lost many though due to aggitated outburst at exactly the wrong time.  I am now on drug #7 Trileptal, so far so OK.  Side effects usually kept me from taking others as I should, i.e., lithium, seroquel, depakote, lamictal, thorizen, zoloft.  I am lucky that I found a caring Doctor that actually listened, wasn't sticking his hand out for money or looking at the clock.  As far as I am concerned, psycotherapist are a waste of time and money.  My dog has more genuine concern for me than anyone I talked to and probably more intelligent.  I have never  been in a chat room but today my boss is away and I am not very busy and I just felt like I needed to reach out and connect with someone/anyone who can understand what it is like to live with these issues.  My story is too long to go into now, but I will say that I have known since I was in my early 30's that something was not right, I just turned 50.  I am lucky enough to have a husband who is very laid back and understanding and two great kids and of course my best four legged friend.  I wish I could find a way to drop out of the work force for atleast a few months just to get my head together, but with economic times as they are and my daughter is starting college in January, I just can not afford to.  I would never do anything to jeopordize her education because she is s smart and good girl and the light of my life.  I just wish I had been able to know what was wrong with me earlier in life.  The worst part is not knowing.
 
Thanks to anyone who is listening. 

Georgie Girl
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 319
   Posted 10/28/2008 4:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I am bipolar, diagnosed in 1994 and suffered moderate to severe clinical depression in 2000 and 2001.  Then this last winter, began having anxiety that got worse and worse until I didn't know who I was or where I was and was hospitalized for 7 days.  I only remember about 2 hours of the entire hospitalization.  I went back to work a week after I got out of the hospital but still had some very rough times for the next two months.  Tried many meds and now take four different medications.  My bipolar disorder effects me in the following ways:  I am always conscious of how much anxiety I am feeling, I feel up and down, sometimes in the same day.  I want to sleep more now than before my anxiety episode.  I nap all afternoon on Sat and Sun and sometimes take a nap during my lunch hour (on the floor with pillow and blanket).  I have a very responsible job and four people who work directly for me.  They were very kind and caring during my episode and are constantly on watch to see how I'm doing from day to day.   The depressive part of my disorder causes me to be sleepy and lazy.  I am not lazy at work but can't seem to do any more housework than cooking, dishes, buying groceries, and doing laundry.  Not lazy at work though.  But I have found that my formerly VERY high performance has reduced to maybe just a little above average.  I have lost the joy in my work; don't know if that is part of the bipolar or burn out after 15 years in this stressful job - probably a combination of both.  I did not feel this way until Jan of this year.  My dear husband and son are watchful too to see if I'm going to have another anxiety episode.  Bipolar disorder sucks. 

Georgie Girl


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 10/29/2008 5:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Georgie Girl,  I know what you mean about work.  I feel like the enjoyment I once felt in the work place is gone.  I am not as much of a go-getter and have had to adopt a more laid back approach to everything in life (which is not really always bad) due to severe mania.  I am just hoping my new med works out, I have not had great success yet with being even remotely stabilized, but I fake it well.  I even went off all meds this summer and tried every herbal remedy known to man.  I was really playing with fire there!  But as I have learned that is a true characteristic of BP, feeling better and stopping meds because you are well again, but only briefly.  Thanks for responding, I appreciate it.

Lorraine-NL
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 10/29/2008 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I'm Bipolar 2.
 I've only been diagnosed within the last several years, but I was told at least 7 years ago by a doctor that he thought I was bipolar, even though a quick assessment by a Pdoc stated otherwise.
 I remember the overwhelming feelings of anger and dread that I had and still get to this day. It was boxing day and we were expecting company for dinner. Everything was ready and waiting, when my husband said something to me that hurt me, and I freaked out. I threw my piano keyboard across the room, along with other things and then I tipped over a very large wall unit which had my tv and other electronics in it, plus books and encylopedias. The wall unit was wooden and glass with lights in it and measuring 7 ft tall by 10 ft long. I don't know where I got the strength. It took 2 very strong men to lift that wall unit normally. When I look back on it today, what I remember the most are my kids running around the livingroom trying to dodge the flying objects and screaming "no mommy, no, stop it please!!" They hid behind a big chair that was in the corner. I don't remember what happened later that day, everything seems to be a blurr.  From that day onward, I tried coping. Occasionally taking prescribed antidepressants...most of them rendering me useless because my body just wouldn't adjust to them.
 
about 5 years ago, I walked into my doctor's office proclaiming that I felt like killing my husband, children and myself. She sent me to see a Pdoc immediately. I felt stupid being rushed to the clinic by ambulance.I couldn't cope with the kids anymore, and was afraid for their lives. I sent them out to foster care. I kept telling myself it was the right thing to do. I live in a small community...only about 700 ppl here...everyone knows everyone else's business. I really could care less what the town thinks of me, but I have a terrible reputation here.
 The Pdoc that I was seeing liked to write prescriptions and listen to himself speak. I later came to find out that he was treating me for schizophrenia. I spent the months to follow taking high doses of antidepressants and mood stabilizers, and sitting around in a haze. I hated it and became more depressed. One day I stopped taking it all and wouldn't go back to see my Pdoc.
 I ended up seeing a therapist appointed by CPS with my kids and the wonderful therapist referred me to see a new Pdoc.
 
Since all of this has happened, My kids (ages 21 & 18)and I are trying to mend our relationships. They know my diagnosis and have been learning about it. My daughter hasn't really forgiven me and we clash....big time!! She is a big trigger for me because she treats me as if I was just one of her social friends whom she can say anything to, and be disrespectful towards. I really think she may be bipolar.
 
My husband can be really good, or a complete a*s. He's attended doc appointments with me, we've explained things to him, but he doesn't quite grasp it all. He thinks that the drugs should take care of everything and I should be "normal"..the perfect wife as such! eyes   My husband is 15 years older than I am, and has a certain view of life and the way things "should" be. There are alot of days that I'd like to slap him..HARD!
 
To date, I feel that I am fairly stable, but there are times I wonder, because I spend most days alone. There are no triggers for me , only myself. Hubby is gone from 6am until 7pm , Monday to Friday, then when he comes home, it's shower, dinner, brief conversation, some tv and off to bed again. I don't go out anywhere, unless it's absolutely necessary....I don't have a driver's license. Ocassionally I may go for a short walk, but I also have Fibromyalgia, and it makes walking a chore. There are days that I just want to end it all....more days that I care to admit. Then there are days that I'd like to beat and punch everything around me. Once upon a time, my manic episodes consisted of me going around the house , cleaning and tidying up and being very particular about the appearance of everything, but also being critical because I felt I didn't do it well enough. I also wanted to get outside and move around...alot! Now, my manics are usually the same, but also followed by a rapid cycle of emotions...I"m like a whirlwind. A few months ago, my husband came home to find me in the middle of a rapid cycle and tried calling the doctor. I ran across the room, screaming at him, and tackled him to the floor to get the phone. I completely overpowered him. When I came to the realization of what I did, I totally broke down crying, laying in the fetal position  in the middle of the floor. Then a calmness washed over me and I fell asleep. My husband left me there. We didn't speak for hours after the incident.
 
I worry about my future and that of the people around me. My son and his wife is expecting a child in April 2009...I'm excited, but scared to death! I want to do the normal grandparent things with the child, but what happens if it ends up being like it was when I had my children young? I'll never be able to live with myself it anything happens.
 
I hate this disease, and the never knowing what's going to happen next feeling. My Pdoc increased the celexa from 10 - 20 mg and changed my Lithium 600 mg to Lithuim SL 600mg. I guess it's only a matter of time before I see how things will be.
 
Sorry for going on and on, but it's so much easier to type it out, than trying to talk it over with people.
 
Hugs to all
Lorraine
 
 


Bipolar II
FMS
Migraine
~*~*~*~
Lithium 600mg/daily
Celexa 10mg/pm
Clonazepam 0.25mg/pm
Ativan 2mg/as needed
 

Post Edited (Lorraine-NL) : 10/29/2008 9:25:44 AM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/29/2008 9:45 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm so gratified to see everyone's responses so far. It's so interesting to see all the similarities and the differences.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 10/29/2008 10:15 AM (GMT -7)   

Lorraine, I am glad you have a better Pdoc, that makes all the difference in the world.  I hope for you, myself and everyone out there that one day you find the right combination of meds and something you love doing that will help you feel balanced and peaceful.  I know what you mean about writing things out, it helps!  If you like to read, I do not know if you are familiar with Edgar Cayce, he has a website dedicated to his work due to the fact that he is deceased, but his work, books and advice on life in general are very interesting and enlightening.  I find great comfort in reading about his life and unique way of tuning into peoples problems.

I hope today is a good one for you.  The only way I get through is making myself remember that one day at a time is all I can handle.

 

BPGemini or GeminiBP  I forgot


zhuxiaonuan
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 10/29/2008 8:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Tyno,

I'm sorry you're sick! Feel better soon!


{I'm sorry, but you may not have links in your signature. Your link doesn't even work. If you have any questions, please contact the administrator. I have notified him of your postings.-- Serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 10/29/2008 9:22:29 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/5/2008 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   
bump
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


cantgoback
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 11/6/2008 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I am feeling very stable right now. Recently I lost my job and I started into a little bit of a downward spiral. I now feel better having read that you also felt as if your work environment was toxic Serafena. I felt the same way, but because I was working full time and I had the health benefits, I could not quit under any circumstances. As it stands, I was fired - lets face it, I could not perform at work because I was so unhappy with my work and the environment there.

I do have my bipolar moments. I mostly get insecure or anxious, especially when it comes to my relationship with my wife. A few months ago we were very close to divorce, because I had become a very irratable person, and I attempted to cheat on her. I realize now that most of the behaviors I exhibited can be attributed to being bipolar. Thank goodness I was diagnosed and I am medicated. I feel like a completely different person - a person I have always wanted to be. I am able to choose my responses to situations in most cases. Sometimes I still have emotional and irrational responses to a situation I am in. Most of the time I am able to take a moment to think about my responses now.

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 11/6/2008 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   

Choose your responses, how well put.  Being BP most always means just instantly reacting and not being in control of how your thought/reaction process.  I guess that is where the medication comes in.  Being mostly manic I was always over reacting to everything, would have days when the whole world was out of whack.  Went for years and never really realized that it was me that was out of whack.  I am thankful the meds I am now on just make me feel calm and peaceful but not a zombie.

Well, it is Friday Eve, the week-end is almost here smilewinkgrin

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