trying to keep calm

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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 11/17/2008 10:15 PM (GMT -6)   
It has been a long road for me since my suicide attempt at the end of July.  I now have a new job and am trying very hard to make it work, but I have been having a lot of anxiety attacks at night, and have been very aggitated.  Besides bipolar I suffer with a purging disorder, and I have been fighting the feelings to purge after eating.  I woke up yesterday and started to cry.  I feel so alone right now, and do not want to say anything because I feel as though everyone will say "here we go again".  I spent the entire weekend in bed and my husband just gets upset with me.  I can't control how I feel!  I do not want to feel down and hopless.  I search through the chats to see if anyone else feels this way or to get some answers. Sometimes I wish it would just stop.  My husband is out of work and it puts pressure on me to not quit my job. I already had to get off of disability due to him not working, so I can't mess up my job.

happy bill
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 11/18/2008 8:35 AM (GMT -6)   


    Unfortunally many people dont understand what its like to live how we do. Its like trying to understand what being and acholic is without ever having taken a drink in your life. People just expect us to " get over it" and fail to realize the severity of the dark feelings we deal with. Nights seem to be the worst part for me also, its when my dark feelings surface and all i want to do is get to sleep so i can get past them and get to the morning.

   I have a feeling that people here will understand your problems.


Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/18/2008 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi maggiern:

Yes, While I am not bulimic, I definitely get depressed and I can relate to that deep dark feeling of not being able to go on. You did go on, though. You can. And most tragic in everything you say is that you feel like your family doesn't support you, like your husband especially just gets annoyed with you. That's no way to live. You definitely need an outlet to talk about these terrible feelings which just weigh on your heart and head. You shouldn't have to keep them bottled up -- that just makes them worse. Have you ever tried a therapist? If you don't have one already, I'd really recommend one. Mine is literally my lifeline. She helps keep me in perspective. Talking it out would help with the desire to purge as well, since I really believe the two are linked.

Keep talking to us as well. I like to talk, and I like to help, so if I can even cheer you up a little, give me the chance.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 11/18/2008 5:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for the support.  Yes I had a therapist for years until we moved out of state now, and I miss talking to her.  I have tried to see one were I go to get my medications, but they only allow a few visits for just support short term problems.  I will continue to work on myself and use this chat as a support and I made a contract with my nurse practioner that does my meds that I would call the crisis line if I feel suicidal.  Again thats for validating my feelings it makes me feel as though I am not alone in my strugles with BP.

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 11/18/2008 6:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi maggiern,

i totally know how you feel this has been a very bad month. maybe you could talk to the dr that gives you meds. a new med or uping somthing may help.
I am also Bibolar I and i always wonder when is it going to settle down.
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