New here and Nervous...BUT this is my story...Long one

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/20/2008 12:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Everone! This is my first post to introduce myself.  I've been diagnosed first off with Panic disorder since I was a child. Then at 14yrs old I was diagnosed with PD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and OCD with of course Depression. NEVER on meds back then. Now I am 34 have been seeing a therapist/Psychiatrist for almost 9 yrs now and have been on roughly 30 meds! Sound familiar? Looking for that perfect Cocktail? Yeah, me too!
  Well I was last on Topamax AGAIN with 200mg of Zoloft and 6mg's of Klonopin. Also I take Mireplex for my restless leg syndrome that I've had since I can remember and I am also on "when Needed" Trazodone. I never take it. It doesn't work. No matter how much I take.
  When I was on Topamaz over the Spring and Summer w/ the Zoloft and Klonopin I had the desire to drink. Something of which I did not do for almost 5 yrs unless it was a glass of wine or champayne at a wedding etc.  I tried cocaine too when I was on Topamax. I became so Manic on it like I literally thought I could take over the world. The sixth sense was stronger than ever. ( Most of my family is very Intuitive) I have a high IQ on top of it so my doctor says that is what causes me to feel other peoples emotions and predict things, lucky me right, nope! I feel more off.
  Well she took me off the Topamax or shall I say I did 8 days before I saw my Med Doc because I KNEW it was the med. I had blackouts too when on it since I drank and even when I did not I do not remember some things people tell me I did.
  I use to be a cutter and stopped in 2002 July. Well I started again in 2007 July when my fiance and I broke up and our daughter and I moved. I was in an abusive relatonship.
  When he sees her for the weekends this is when all the drinking went on abuse of drugs.  I USE to be the anti-street drug woman and proud of it. I was the last of my friends to keep away from it  meaning coke, daily use of weed, weekend benders of booze pills etc.
  Now I am here, telling complete strangers how my life has been and yet you know me in a way since you have BP too.
I still am in denial of BP I think it's more PTSD and the other and the reason is because this is my background.
molested 5-8yrs of age by my dentist
father went to prison for 4 yrs (my parents are still married 44yrs!) I was 8
Started drinking in 7th Grade 13yrs old
raped at 14 by my Best Friends BF -Never told anyone but my friend and she didn't listen
Got pregnant at just turned 15 (I did not know anything about sex, protection) my parents brought me for an abortion
almost raped again twice at age 15
my cousin died is a DD accident he was 20 yr old
Started cutting by 14 to shut out my pain inside
found out by accident I have 4 other siblings from my father having marital affairs....2 are younger than me and I never met any of them
stopped eating for 3 months because I thought food was drugged and dropped down to 97lbs on a 5'4 frame built
went fromt honor student with straight A to not going to class, drinking in the bathrooms smoking butts.
shaved half my hair off died it black and blonde-was drinking
at 16 my other cousin the brother of the one that died killed himself on the same date and same age as his brother. I took it badly as one would do, I was so mad at him for it. I would sleep on his grave and cry  and yell at him for over a yr.
quit school at 18 with a 9th grade level od English though my IQ is 141 Street smart and I read alot-self taught.
Started dating my EX got pregnant, was excited but miscarried twins at 12wks... I date my EX still am off and on. He is an alcoholic and reformed cocaine addict. I never did drugs when we were together. He is the Daddy of my princess.
Broke up with him cause of drugs and went out with a friend for a year, got pregnant and never saw him again....misscarried at 9 weeks 
in 2000 my Cousin Anne Marie went missing in Vegas and has never been seen again she was 29....
In 2002 July 9th I had a nervous break down at work (which I had a great job and good $$$)
Helped my ex get sober while I got help with depression, got engaged moved in together I felt great. Had our daughter 2004
2007 EX started drinking behind my back.  I was sober still
July 1st 2007 found him doing drugs and drinking while our 3 yrs old was asleep in bed while I went out for the first time all summer.  I thought I could trust him. I've known him since I was 12 and together at 18 off and on!
He beat me when I poured his drugs down the drain. He was drunk. I crawled up the stairs to get in to grab my daughter (she was still asleep through everything) I dragged myself to my neighbors and the cops showed up, thankfully it was one of my close friends, he arrested Chris for weed pocession, assault and battery, assualt with a deadly weapon (boot)
As of 7/14/07 he was allowed to see our child but only with his parents present and had a full restraining order on him.
  HE got 3yrs probation, fines, Battery classes each week for 42weeks, drug testing each week for one year now each month until his probation ends. He failed one test out of 23.
  I started drinking when my daughter was overnight at my parents at first cutting myself again.
I went to court for what happened He got all that I stated and the entire time I kept telling my friend someone close to me is dead, he died in the woods. I asked my Mother and Dad and they said nothing...
  Well as soon as couart was finally over, my Mother came over and told me the last brother of my 2 dead cousins Was sleeping next to a fire in a sleeping bag at a campground and died smiling by an on purpose overdose and left 4 children behind, he was only 32. I loved him with all my heart he always promised me he would make it to 20 then to 30.  He had so many demons.  His Mom died when he was just a toddler from Breast Cancer also. then his 2 bothers... I look exactly like my aunt, she died at 33.  She gave her life to save his when she was pregnant with him
I moved out of our house we rented from his family. my Daughter and I live in a townhouse alone now and I can barely pay the bills.
  He gives us money each month 800.00
I became sexually active again with someone, that stole from me, was an alcoholic also. we broke up.
Went back to my EX for 2 months but he was still fighting his demons, and I was still cutting when we weren't together.
Topamax was introduced to me and I REALLY started drinking alot when my EX had my child overnight S and S til Monday morning.
  I was manic for 2 weeks straight, it was horrible.   The past 3 yrs alone I have lost 3 friends and 1 old school friend from overdosing or heart attacks.  
   Now I am off Topamax, had a planned pregancy with my ex-fiance(been going out with him for 11months)
got pregnant right away, was overjoyed THEN out of nowhere he broke up with me. I was friends with him since I was a ****! He told me to get rid of it, it was a mistake and he cant handle my issues. HELLO he has BPD and OCD!  We were a team, friends and lovers, and he did that to me. I was devastated....I still am hurting because I not only lost my love I lost my best friend and for no good reason or answers.
  So in deep embarrassment and shame I had a forced miscarriage 3 weeks ago from today.  I
So this is my life Behind my gray eyes and the pain that never goes away, I fight the good fight for my 4 yr old and for my family but when will I fight for me???
  I am so sad half the time and then the other half I am hyper and think I can run a marathon with a bad back and all.
After I had the medication abortion (which I ONLY did because I was only 5 weeks 5days along EMBRYO not a fetus)and I could not raise another child alone. I thought I was going to be married in January...
  I see my doctor next week but I need to talk now to someone.  My EX is taking our daughter tonight.  She'll be home at 7am.  I feel like sleeping from when she leaves to when she gets home but I have responsibilities.
  I am on permanent disability also, I've had 3 nervous breakdowns that they know of and the manic episodes do a number on me.
  I dont know how I raise my daughter as well as I do, Thank the good Lord for my Faith MEds and my wonderful Family and friends.
  Also, my Dad has BP and PD his Mom had a nervous breakdown and his grandmother was in a mental institution back in the day.  So it is hereditary in my family.  Most all of them on my Dad's side have Panic issues and OCD and my Mom's side half have depression but as you can see from my family background my mom's side is doomed, someone is always dying or killing themselves
  I am so tired of NOT being on the right meds, feeling right, gaining weight then losing weight, side effects and such.
I just want to feel some normalcy justonce in my life :(
BehindGrayEyes: I had to Edit some of your post because of Rule#1. -- Serafena

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 11/20/2008 11:47:59 AM (GMT-7)

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/20/2008 1:51 PM (GMT -6)   

You have seen and lived through some terrible, painful things. I can only recommend that you talk to a therapist. You could really use an outlet to talk about some of these events and work through them (especially your recent forced miscarriage and breakup). You seem very alone, and that's no way to be.

Of course we're here for you too. Please feel free to write when you need and we'll do our best to support you and help you out. Nonetheless, I really believe you could use some professional therapy.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

Precious Gem
Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 11/20/2008 2:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Honey, I will keep you in my prayers. You have been through alot! Try real hard to surround yourself with loving and supportive people that will help lift you up instead of making your life harder. Please stay away from street drugs and alcohol. The combination of those types of self-medicating substances do not mix with prescription drugs and are no good for you anyway. Be kind to yourself. When everything is out of whack in your life, no one can help you but you.

Hang on

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/20/2008 2:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Serafena,
Thanks so much for posting back, it means a lot to me. I do feel alone even when I am surrounded by so many that love me. My daughter is my world, she truly is. However, I need to be at my best to be 100% for her in all ways she needs me.
I see My Psychiatrist 2-3 times per month. I would more but I don't drive because of the PD. Though that is much better because of the Klonopin I am getting my permit again when I have the money.
I want to see someone again a LSW or Psychologist ASAP but because of me not driving and having a 4yr old it is difficult to get to one.
I wish I could find one that does phone calls. My friend has one that does.
It's very frustrating for me as you can imagine. My Psych. says BP with the other stuff and my EX Therapist stated not BP but PTSD OCD PD and depression.
I read up on a lot of all of them but I just dont know where I fit in. I cut too. 4 or 5 times this year. But like I stated I didn't for yrs.
I guess I dont know where to start for more help that I know I need and fast. :(

Post Edited (BehindGrayEyes) : 11/20/2008 1:12:19 PM (GMT-7)

happy bill
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 11/20/2008 4:53 PM (GMT -6)   

Well the first step has been taken, you realize you have a whole hearty mess on your hands. But knowing the nature of the beast allows you the power to fight it off. Reaching out to people like us can only help u along. We all have our horror stories, some worse than others. Here you have let us all in on your dirty laundry, and we understand where you have been, hopefully we can help you get to where you want to be.\

    Keep upi the good fight. We are all backing you



New Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 11/22/2008 12:56 AM (GMT -6)   

Thanks so muh Bill. your words meant a lot to me.  I did call my doc yesterday and told her not asked her this ? I am off the wall 2 weeks on mania then a week of deep depression, i need a mood stablizer that will work without the orrible side effects. Walaa I pick up my script for Neurontion tomorrow. I was on it before with Zoloft and Klonopin and It was THE DRUG but after I had my daughter w. having PP and hormonal changes when my doc put me back on it it did not work. I was in postpartom state and manic.

 So please pray it works again since I had my daughter almost 5 yrs ago!

I'm here for you,

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