Good for you Maggiern: You will come through this and somewhere down the line, you'll have one of those ah ha moments, when it becomes clear why you are going through these difficult times. I believe that all our trials and sorrows are there as part of a bigger, better plan. We just don't get to see the entire plan. We just feel the bumps in the road and sometimes they seem, insurmountable. I am sure the Nurse Practitioner can assist by confirming you have the BP diagnoses in a note to Social Security.
I was living in a rooming house while in university. There was this one lady tenant who lived immediately above me. She had a very severe form of BiPolar disorder. Two things jump out at me when I think of her. It was very common for her to start to feel better and then decide she was OK and stopped taking her meds. One day as I arrived home from class, she had placed all her personal belongings out on the door step with a sign reading "Yard Sale, Everything for Free". I think it was the super who gathered her things up and took charge of the situation. That was a relapse. Then another time , she was sunbathing also on the Front steps, except she has only bikini panties on. The street we lived on was a very busy through-fare and you can imagin what a scene that created. There is no shame/blame in our lapses and relapses. We are doing the very best we can with the hand we are dealt. I ultimately was able to get through those very difficult, challenging times, as you will also. It made me a smarter, stronger, more compassionate person and prepared me for what was coming up next. Although at the time I was going through it, I had no idea I was being prepared for something greater and more important.
There was this very elderly chap who lived to be about 100+ years. He was asked in an interview at one point if there was anything in life he wished he'd done differently? His reply: "I wish I had made more mistakes". This is growth.
It will get better, i will keep a good thought for you today. Find the positive, anything, no matter how small, something to cling to. When i was in bad ways before i clung to my mom, my wife, my kitties, and my hobbies. I slowly list them while deep breathing and it always helps me. Like i said i will keep you in my thoughts.
Honey, hold on, tie a knot in the end of that rope and hold on. Everything the others are telling you is right. Please go see a PDoc, please. I was at the end of that rope and knew that day that I desperately needed help. I called 5 PDoc practices and the worst mental health department in the world that day and no one would see me without cash or insurance (of which I had neither) or willing to wait 6 weeks. I just kept trying and finally I called my now PDoc and left a message on his answering machine and explained everything I was going through and that I could not pay him until the end of the month. He called he back within a very short period of time and saw me that day. I paid him at the end of the month as promised, not long after that I got insurance and just recently we finally found a medication I could tolerate that made me feel like life was worth living again. I really know how you feel. I would lie in bed sometimes and think is this how I am going to feel the rest of my life? No, the answer is No. But it takes alot of hard work and patience to get to a good place.
Tonight before you go to sleep, think of 5 good things that have happened to you that day or 5 things you are grateful for. I do that every night. Sometimes it is so hard to think of 5 things that I fall asleep trying to come up with one more thing! ha ha ha ha ha Hey, maybe I just found the remedy for insomnia! ha ha ha again
You are in my prayers, every day is a new one, take a deep breath, take one positive step forward each day and I hope you will be loving life again soon.