going into a depression

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maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 11/23/2008 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry to dump on you all, but I have no one to tell this to.  My life sucks and it just not seem to be getting any better.  I have lost my disability because I have had to work so I will not lose everything. I owe the IRS, DISABLITY DUE TO OVERPAYMENT, AND WILL LOSE MY INSURANCE THAT I GET DUE TO BEING BIPOLAR/CROHN'S DISEASE.  I can't afford the infusions I get to help my Crohn's, or the expensive meds that you must take to keep somewhat normal without insurance.  All I know if all this crap keeps coming I just want to end it all, there is no hope and no way to make it stop.  I feel as if I have no other option to stop this.  I can't say when it will all come to a head but if feel it will be soon, and this time it will not fail with pills.  I do not know what else to do.  I am going into my shell and only feel comfortable telling you on this chat because you know what it feels like to have these feelings of hopelessness and helplessness in our lives.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/23/2008 11:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, maggiern, I'm so sorry to hear about all this. How terrible. It's horrible the positions having disability puts you into sometimes. I really feel for you. What are your options? Are you still working?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 11/23/2008 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
dear Maggiern: I sit here reading your post and am struck by two truths; one is that it appears your BiPolar Illness is affecting your perspective, as it does, at times, for us all. Also, BiPolar Illness affects our judgement. So, whatever possessed you, making you think you were well enough to work, was an error in judgement, and since you are on Disability for BiPolar as well as other crippling disorders, it is explicable, AND excusable that you made an error in judgement (thinking you were well enough to work). We all get there sometimes, our meds work, we feel better, we believe we are better, therefore we stop taking the meds (an excusable error in judgement attributable to being BiPolar). I assume you have a psychiatrist. He/she needs to write to disability and explain the nature of BiPolar illness, and that you made an error in judgement, thinking you were well enough to work. I did exactly the same thing about two years ago. I thought I was well enough to work, let go of my safety net, couldn't afford my meds, got fired for who knows what, and ended in a pickle. It took a visit with two social workers and a letter from my psychiatrist to sort it out. They may want some kind of "repayment" if you were collecting disability while working, but they usually offer to take it out in small increments. I wish you all the best and try to avoid awfulizing and catastrophic thinking. Today is the day you worried about yesterday. There are two ways to cope with anxiety; complaining and talking about the problem, gives us a temporary fix but the problem remains, or taking action, even if it is only baby steps towards fixing the problem. If you can get a quick appt. with your pdoc, do it. That's all you have to do, for now. If you can't call the crisis line, that's what I did when I was right where you are. I got an appt. with a social worker in two days. She consulted with the psychiatrist and they got a four step plan of action written down, for me. I did exactly what I was told to do. I am doing phenomenally well, right now, as much as we BP's can. We love you because we feel your pain. We are one with you. We are all in this together. Call and make that appointment.
Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression.
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.


maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 11/23/2008 7:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I have an appointment with the nurse practitionor that gives me my meds, I do not have a psychiatrist just the nurse.  Tuesday is the day for the appointment.  I am working on contacting the ss office and try and work something out.  I was not really able to think much over the last few days, spent most of it in bed.  I will work things out the way they end who knows anymore.  Thank you for you input and help I will do something.

tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 11/24/2008 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   

Good for you Maggiern: You will come through this and somewhere down the line, you'll have one of those ah ha moments, when it becomes clear why you are going through these difficult times. I believe that all our trials and sorrows are there as part of a bigger, better plan. We just don't get to see the entire plan. We just feel the bumps in the road and sometimes they seem, insurmountable. I am sure the Nurse Practitioner can assist by confirming you have the BP diagnoses in a note to Social Security.

I was living in a rooming house while in university. There was this one lady tenant who lived immediately above me. She had a very severe form of BiPolar disorder. Two things jump out at me when I think of her. It was very common for her to start to feel better and then decide she was OK and stopped taking her meds. One day as I arrived home from class, she had placed all her personal belongings out on the door step with a sign reading "Yard Sale, Everything for Free". I think it was the super who gathered her things up and took charge of the situation. That was a relapse. Then another time , she was sunbathing also on the Front steps, except she has only bikini panties on. The street we lived on was a very busy through-fare and you can imagin what a scene that created. There is no shame/blame in our lapses and relapses. We are doing the very best we can with the hand we are dealt. I ultimately was able to get through those very difficult, challenging times, as you will also. It made me a smarter, stronger, more compassionate person and prepared me for what was coming up next. Although at the time I was going through it, I had no idea I was being prepared for something greater and more important.

There was this very elderly chap who lived to be about 100+ years. He was asked in an interview at one point if there was anything in life he wished he'd done differently? His reply: "I wish I had made more mistakes". This is growth.


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 11/24/2008 8:50 AM (GMT -7)   

 

  It will get better, i will keep a good thought for you today. Find the positive, anything, no matter how small, something to cling to. When i was in bad ways before i clung to my mom, my wife, my kitties, and my hobbies. I slowly list them while deep breathing and it always helps me. Like i said i will keep you in my thoughts.

     Bill 


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 11/24/2008 2:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Maggiern,

Honey, hold on, tie a knot in the end of that rope and hold on.  Everything the others are telling you is right.  Please go see a PDoc, please.  I was at the end of that rope and knew that day that I desperately needed help.  I called 5 PDoc practices and the worst mental health department in the world that day and no one would see me without cash or insurance (of which I had neither) or willing to wait 6 weeks.  I just kept trying and finally I called my now PDoc and left a message on his answering machine and explained everything I was going through and that I could not pay him until the end of the month.  He called he back within a very short period of time and saw me that day.  I paid him at the end of the month as promised, not long after that I got insurance and just recently we finally found a medication I could tolerate that made me feel like life was worth living again.  I really know how you feel.  I would lie in bed sometimes and think is this how I am going to feel the rest of my life?  No, the answer is No.  But it takes alot of hard work and patience to get to a good place.

Tonight before you go to sleep, think of 5 good things that have happened to you that day or 5 things you are grateful for.  I do that every night.  Sometimes it is so hard to think of 5 things that I fall asleep trying to come up with one more thing!  ha ha ha ha ha Hey, maybe I just found the remedy for insomnia! ha ha ha again

You are in my prayers, every day is a new one, take a deep breath, take one positive step forward each day and I hope you will be loving life again soon.

xxooo

BP Gemini

 


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 11/24/2008 8:37 PM (GMT -7)   
maggiern...I sure hope today finds you in a better place.  Remember that if BP is giving you a hard time right now, it may be skewing your outlook.  Things will get better, but you have to force yourself to think about the good things to keep yourself from slipping into that dark place.  I understand your worries about your insurance and hope you are able to get some answers and assistance soon!

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson

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