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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 58
Posted 12/1/2008 4:50 PM (GMT -7)
I haven't been on the board for awhile and I thought things were going good for me. I recently made the decision that I wanted my husband to take the reins as "head of the family" as it should be (he tends to be a very passive person). I want him to be in charge of big decisions, financial planning etc.; the problem here is for me letting go of the reins. It is in both of our best interests that he takes this active role in our marriage and he
this role as well. I have done it for sooooo many years and I take care of all the little details of things; well today I just snapped. We've been talking
the budget, me showing him the bills, trying to give him the details of when, how, and where things are to paid (because frankly he's clueless) and so forth. This morning I asked about
what money I could put in my checking account (now separate from the main account) and he kind of snickered at me (he really didn't mean anything by it) and that set the "tone" for my entire day. He isn't doing things like I did, isn't paying attention to the little details, and today whenever he wasn't here during my lunch hour (didn't manage his time accordingly and our time together is limited as we work opposite shifts) I had a melt down--uncontrollable crying, door slamming the works. I know he's trying and I was trying up until this morning and the snicker just didn't set right and then him not here at lunch. This is a busy, busy time of year for me, extra is expected of me at my job and this "change of power" at home is huge; I feel so fragile right now, I feel like a melt down is around every corner, in every comment, look, expression, tone of voice--does anyone have any words of wisdom???? I don't want to undermine my husband's efforts and I want to be supportive--but I need some support too.
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
Posted 12/2/2008 8:53 AM (GMT -7)
First, I have to ask why. What were your motivations in asking your husband to take over the family planning?
You've done something that carries a huge emotional weight with it and you're suffering because of it. You've given power over yourself and your home to your husband and he's not doing things the way you'd like them done. Sure he's trying, but the fact of the matter is he's never going to do them to your satisfaction because you've been doing them for a while now and you're an independent, opinionated woman. You have a challenging job, for example. Why would you ask someone else to take power over you? It doesn't make sense.
If you need help, that's another story. Then ask for help. Write back and explain and maybe then I can be more useful...
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
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Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 4
Posted 12/2/2008 12:57 PM (GMT -7)
treating your family finances like a business and hire someone to take care of bill paying, budgets etc? That way you can instruct the person on how you want things done
and if they don't, fire them. can't fire your husband! have them draw up a payment schedule, arrange for automatic debits and transfer of funds to cover these debits. That way you maintain control but you get the help you need. I found someone who only charged me $12/ hour. only a few hours a week. And she became a great friend for years. the first few weeks, I couldn't believe what a relief it was to have someone else just
open the mail and write the cheques for me to sign. he or she can print a calendar of payments. you get a copy, hubby gets a copy. the person doesn't have access to your money at all. any personal money goes to each of you and this person doesn't have access to that either so you still have your privacy about
if book-keeping is something he is not good at, it is sort of like asking someone with two left feet to learn the tango. it will make him feel inadequate and uncomfortable, thus the snicker....
imagine removing all of those money conversations from your interactions with your hubby. remove this stress from both of your lives. it would be a great christmas present to each other. that time you used to spend explaining and sorting can be spent instead doing something you both like to do.
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Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
Posted 12/3/2008 6:58 AM (GMT -7)
I too, like Sarafena, don't understand why you would hand the power over to your husband and then be upset because he doesn't do things your way. If you've been doing it yourself, for years you know all the ins and outs. I had to take over my parents finances when they became ill, I hate doing it, there is never any money left over once bills are paid and because my stepmother had a gambling addiction there are many outstanding bills that I cannot fathom how to deal with. Most payments come out automatically, electric, phone, mortgage, rent (yup, we're paying a mortgage on a house that we can't live in),), taxes have been ignored for years, it is quite a mess. I will find us a way out of the mess but it's going to take time, patience and hard work. The thing about
handing over the reins, is you have to let go of them.
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