can love be stronger then bp

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pvguy
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2008 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello again,
  
               Well, its that in sickness and in health part of my marriage vows that have kept me hanging by a thread. Against the best wishes of family and friends I am going to try to put this broken egg back together again. My wife is still out of the country with her family and in our talks on the phone seems to be on a level that I do not think really existed before.
 
   Everything happened so fast when I sent her home to her family it was like a blur. My intentions are to get her to my therapist to find out what we are really dealing with. It is going to be hard to forget but I believe that I can forgive. Her regret seems very real. There is going to be an awful lot of family and friends that she will have to face and I am not sure if she is up to the task. I have told her that if I am willing to try and put it back together I am going to need her effort to help clean up the mess she left behind, with my support of course.
 
 I feel that if I do not give her that chance even with all that has occured I would be short changing my vows. I love my wife with all my heart and I want my son to have a mother. I hope I am making the right decision.
 
    pvguy

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/8/2008 7:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Good for you for making a go of it pvguy. You are taking the hard road, though. Get yourself in therapy, if you aren't already. You are going to need some support of your own during all this, and someone who can listen to YOUR side of this and help you keep your head on straight. It's enormously difficult to live with bipolar spouses, and when infidelity is involved -- even harder. You are going to be living with guilt and anger and frustration. Please, get yourself some help too. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you take your own health seriously as well.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


pvguy
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2008 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the response. I hope that you read my other post prior to this one. I do not want to take on more than I can handle

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/9/2008 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   

PVGuy, as I shared in my previous posting, staying or going is "guilt free" the right of every spouse to make.  So, as I gave you support in you post regarding your choice to leave, I now will share about staying.  I am a spouse married almost 17 years.  Yes, no question I love my H, but I will not kid you...life has not been easy.  There are some absolutes for me however, that are a MUST and a total agreement I have with myself about staying.  1) He be consistent with his medication 2) He be consistent about his care with his pdoc, therapist, etc 3)I am a part of his wellness team and have FULL access to interface with all the rest of his support team 4)On occasion I go to sessions with him 5)I am kept current on any med changes.  Without this, I personally elect to not stay.  Now, in an effort of full disclosure, I have a H with a "less severe" form of BP in that to date, I have not dealt with infidelity, disappearing for days, wild spending, excessive lying...etc.  But, as you will learn, living with BP, regardless of the level or how it manifests is NO easy feat.  Life is HARD.  The exaggerated moods, the defensiveness, the controlling behavior, the blaming, etc...these for me are constants that are daily mixed in with some good stuff too.  It never ceases to surprise me though.  Latest example was this weekend.  I know my mother can be irritating, and she herself has a HUGE personality, but she has gotten under my H's skin negatively and it is ugly.  He takes EVERYTHING my mom says as an insult, a power struggle, offensive...etc. And there is NO question my mom needs a new style about it, but...I am not going to change her at 71, or change him at nearly 50.  So, by saying "I am sorry it is so hard to deal with my mom, and while her style sucks, I choose to trust that while her execution comes across wrong, her intent is meant well because she loves me and our family and is just trying to help us".  Only, I got an EARFUL of how he wants me to tell her she is not welcome in our house if she speaks to him or the kids like this again.  This is HIS house and the fact that I don't tell her this causes him to feel insulted by me.  My problem here is that while I see his point in how she is saying things (EVER so slightly, mind you because most of it is about how he takes it), I also agree with what her intention is and the kindness in what she is trying to do.  And like I said - with my mom, I have learned to love her and look past her "style" and appreciate her for who she is.  And honestly, not many in my family (siblings I mean) do.  So I have a good relationship with her, and others just complain about her - but we all DO love her.  But, for my H, it is ALL about the control and power struggle, and I view this as much about him as her.  In some of these ways they are SO much alike it is scary.  But he should also appreciate growing up with a mother like this has trained me to be able to hang in here and manage HIM all these years.  But alas, not the case.

My point here is this, even under the best of circumstances...life with a BP is not easy and you must create some absolute boundaries about what you will and won't put up with from DAY ONE.  BP's, who want to be responsible about their condition (as many here on the boards are and I have the utmost respect and admiration for) work very hard to try and do that.  They may not always succeed, but the efforts are there when they acknowledge and try to own their behaviors. They are the ones who do whatever it takes to stay on top of their condition and remain partners with their spouse, not the petulant aggressive permanent teenagers who will push and push a parent running wild with the "I'm going to punish you attitude", which others seem to mirror the behavior of.  Make your conditions clear because ultimately, regardless of the behavior, the one with BP IS responsible for the choices they make, the way they choose to behave.  BP may make it far more difficult for them, but they STILL make the choices, and they are STILL adults, and we do them NO favors to let them not have to own it as their spouses.

I hope what I shared makes sense.  I will hold you all in my good thoughts and pray for the best outcome possible.  I agree completely with Serafena about a therapist for you.  It IS needed and necessary for your own sanity and reality checks.  Don't forget to BREATH along the way and take good care of your son.  LFW


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 12/9/2008 2:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Being the BP one in our marriage, I have only recently realized how hard it must be/has been for my family.  My husband is a very laid back individual and at first just did not believe anything was wrong with me, because he did not want anything to be wrong with me.  but over the last few months and especially last week when I flushed all my meds down the toliet and then had a great big ole' meltdown, he realizes the severity of the situation.  I really think I could help myself stay stable if I did not have to work so many hours.  I am contemplating disability, because when I am not under what I perceive as tremendous stress, I feel and physically look so much better.  My daughter is getting ready to start college and I am so proud and I do not want to do anything to jeopordize her education financially.  So I just keep plugging away, but I feel I am going down hill with each and every day.  I am physically and mentally exhausted from trying to keep it all together and the reason I do this is for my family.  Kind of a catch-22 situation.  I want to be as well as I can, so I try extra hard to be kind and take care of my husband, as kind of a trade off for when he takes care of me.  No decisions are easy when they are matters of the heart and someone involved is ill.  The best you can hope for is for you to take care of yourself, she do the same, and make the very best from this moment forward.

I wish the best for you and your spouse.  Nothing worth having is ever easy.

 

BP Gemini

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