Welcome to HealingWell. I think you've found a good place to vent some of your frustration and get some support for what you're going through. There are lots of people here dealing with bipolar spouses which is just not easy. I think your first step is to get some help for yourself. You're suffering very real effects from trying to deal with his moods. Are you in therapy? If not, I would really recommend it. And if you're having panic attacks, I hope you have some medication of your own to try and calm those down -- a mild anti-anxiety drug? Have you seen a doctor? You're no good for him if you're coming loose yourself.
As to the bipolar, it is almost impossible to manage when it's untreated. His moods will continue to be unpredictable and will probably even worsen with time. I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but that's the truth of it. As Simon said though, it is possible to be medicated and still creative -- I'm a writer. I can't consistently write -- when I'm depressed, I'm useless -- but then that would be the case if I were not medicated anyway. It depends on the drugs, and he would just want to make it clear to the docs that he doesn't want to be doped up or over sedated. But, it sounds like he's a headstrong person, and you may have to just live with his decision.
To that end, let me recommend the book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" by Julie A Fast and John D. Preston.
Here's one short website:www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=about_helping
Here's another about
caregiving for bipolarswww.bipolarhelpcenter.com/caregiver/caregiver.jsp?reqNavId=3
I'm not sure how helpful either will really be.
Good luck and keep in touch. Let us know how you're doing and how things are going. You might even encourage your spouse to join the board.
SerafenaCo-Moderator, Bipolar ForumBipolar II