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TXCHROME
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/16/2008 8:37 AM (GMT -6)   
My name is Mike and I am the spouse of a person with Bi-Polar disorder. She has just recently been diagnosed with this and we have had absolute chaos and mayhem in our home for about 4 years now. She was diagnosed with Adult ADD about 2 years ago which I feel now was a mis-diagnosis for the Bi-Polar disorder. She is currently at an in patient facility since Friday Dec. 12, 2008 but whats worse is she was an inpatient for the same symptoms and issues from Thanksgiving 08 through Tuesday Dec. 9, 2008. She is suicidal, hears voices, her moods are unbearable and I get blamed. I am emotionally strong enough to be alone, raise my two children, etc. but I can not stand to see her hurt or be in this state. Half of me wants to be there for her but the other half wants to run and make a happy life for myself. I feel so selfish but so deserving. How do I know which is the right decision? I for once in my life do not know what to do. I am willing to listen to any advice on how to deal with, etc. my wife and this disease.

Mike

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/16/2008 9:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi TXCHROME,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. You are in a very stressful place as a husband and as a family. You cannot be blamed for feeling confused or not knowing how to proceed. You do deserve a happy, peaceful life -- we all do. Sometimes, we just have to take what comes along though. Only you can decide if you have the strength and the desire to stay in this marriage. Now that she's been diagnosed bipolar, hopefully she'll get some medications and therapy that will help her learn how to treat the bipolar and keep it in check. Hopefully her mood swing episodes will be further apart and less severe. But that's not guaranteed. The meds don't all ways work right the first time and it takes a few tries before you try the right one. Also, the mood swings don't go away completely -- they're just less severe. Once she's back on her feet again, you might try a trial separation, if you're still wondering if leaving is the best option, but I wouldn't leave while she's in the hospital.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


TXCHROME
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/16/2008 10:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Serafena for the reply. I wouldnt leave while she was in the hospital that would be detrimental to her. I am trying to be there for her but there is a lot of hurt and anger where she is concerned. I am in no way close to a perfect person and not all of the blame is on her. The changed her meds and she begins the new medication today but she is talking about trying to be home this weekend etc. It seems as if all she wants is to get the drugs and get home. Yes I know its Christmas and boy would I love to have the happy her home for the holiday but thats whats important to me... Her being happy again. Can anyone give me a little more insight how to deal, approach, help her through these times when the meds do not work or she is having a rough day? She went in the hospital because she is suicidal. I am scared my kids will come home from school one day and find their mother has hurt herself... If she is suicidal is there a chance she could harm my children? I am not sure if you remember the Andrea Yates case where she murdered her 5 children but this scares me to death. Please I am willing to listen to any advice, information, etc that will help me help her.

shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 12/16/2008 12:33 PM (GMT -6)   
A suicidal tendency is very different from a homicidal one. I have been depressed several times but I was suicidal only once when I was going through a psychotic phase (at no point did I feel like hurting anyone but myself). Once the psychosis gets treated, the suicidal tendency will also go away. If your wife is hearing voices and is having severe mood swings, she is probably psychotic. This is the worst part of the illness and it will go away with medication. If your wife takes her medication regularly, she will not experience a psychotic episode again. I have hurt several people during my psychotic episode and I have come to terms with the fact that it was my illness, not me that hurt them.

The illness is very treatable and patients can be stabilized. Maybe, you could wait till the drugs take their effect. Then you will find that your wife is a very different person.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/16/2008 2:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Everyday in the hospital, your wife is on suicide watch and they evaluate whether she is suicidal or not. She will not be let out of the hospital until she is no longer suicidal. That's why she's in there. Shebsy is right that the suicidal feelings are often the first things to go with the medications.

You'll want to be wary and keep an eye on her for suicidal thoughts for a while, but I believe once she's out of the hospital, she should be feeling better.

about the kids, Shebsy is also right that there is a very different impulse between suicide and homicide. Very few of us ever feel homicidal. Has she ever said anything to you that gave you the idea that she may hurt someone? Has she ever threatened the children or treated them badly? If you are concerned, discuss it with her doctor. He will most likely calm your fears.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


TXCHROME
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/16/2008 3:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Never done or said anything but then again I didnt know until November that she had been suicidal for over a year... Things just got too much for her to bear when she was trying to get my rifle..

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/17/2008 12:15 AM (GMT -6)   
TXCHROME - Welcome. The ying/yang you feel is quite a common feeling amongst BP spouses. I am one as well. Married almost 17 years. However, my H has never been hospitalized or suicidal. Please however, do not make the mistake to think it has been easy. It has not. NO living with BP is easy for the person with it, or the spouse. But it is doable. It takes a lot of work. With that said, please know that there is NO guilt in choosing to stay OR go. You as the spouse have EVERY RIGHT to care as much for your own life and happiness, as you do for your spouse. There is NO guilt in that whichever way you will choose. I will tell you...just as food for thought, that with proper dx, proper medication taken consistently, proper therapy, etc...life will seem easier than it is at this moment, because it will be. Perfect...never, problem free....never, but clearer and easier and more “normal” feeling than this moment (and what it has been in the past) without proper meds or dx. Now, that being said, also remember that whatever decision you make, stay or go, it is not written in stone and you can choose to change your mind about staying, going or coming back (if both want that) at any time. There is NO time frame on making those decisions, except for the ones you may impose for yourself. If you want some opinions, I would say for the moment, since there are kids involved, there is no need to make any life altering decisions now. See how it plays out once she is stabilized. As to the "blame" you feel you are receiving from her at this moment....disregard it as part of the illness. Right now her feelings are all over the map and are not reliable as true. One day they might be, and therefore if those feelings still exist, you may have some things to discuss in therapy. But for now, don't let it cloud this. Your W is currently hospitalized because of being ill.

Bottom line, your life, your decision, and no guilt. Make the best choices for all that you can. Keep what compassion you can for everyone so that no matter how it all goes, you can be proud of how you handled things. You can leave and still be supportive of her as the mother of your children...or you can stay and see it through before deciding. Do you understand? My best wishes to your family and the hard choices and road ahead for you all. Stay as loving as you can throughout. LFW

living with BPD
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/17/2008 3:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello,

First thing I want to tell you is that I my husband has a very hard time dealing with my illness, and about 6 months ago he cheated and our marriage almost ended. It is a very hard thing to expect a loved one to deal with, and no one could fault you if you decide that you can't. It isn't your illness, it is hers. That being said, I agree with the previous posts - if you feel you can hang in there a little longer, and your wife can be medicated, you may find her to be completely different and eventually have a happy marriage.

As far as the suicide - I also agree. There is a big difference between suicide and homicide. It is different for EVERY person living with Bipolar Disorder, but let me tell you this: I have had many suicidal thoughts over the past 4 years (I have been unmedicated until yesterday) but the one single thing that ALWAYS kept me alive is my children. I may not have been the best mother, and I hate myself for that, but the thought of harm to my children or missing their lives is what has kept me from trying to take my own life. My husband is the love of my life, but my children are the force that drives me to succeed and be a better person and mother. I am by no means telling you to let your fears go, or that you are wrong in your concerns. I do think that for MOST women, the maternal instinct takes over even in your darkest moments. The cases of women who murder their children are too sad to think about, and I can't understand or fathom it myself, but if it was a common occurrence, it wouldn't be as shocking. Again, no one is alike, and there is no advice that can tell you what the "right" choice is, only you can decide that. No matter what, I think that you should seek help as well, through counseling or another means, as well as your children. That is the only way you will be able to deal with this, and perhaps gain some understanding. It might also help you to discover what choice you need to make for your family, for your children. They are the most important people, hands - down.

Living with BPD

Diagnosed Bipolar I 2008
Diagnosed everything else for 12 years
Diagnosed IBS 2000

Son Diagnosed Bipolar 2008
Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2008
Diagnosed IBS in 2000
Son Diagnosed Bipolar in 2008

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