More of my musings! Hopefully you may like this!? You may have similar emotions??!

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Mackem
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 12/18/2008 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi All

I wrote this alongside feelings of being 'unclean' in the sense that I was unhappy with myself and wanted to wash the 'dirt' away. Dirt from my mind that made me feel this way, feelings of guilt, a little paranoia, self loathing, the pressure of the darkness of depression and that I felt for so many years that I had writers block that needed to be freed. Ok, I realise I'm babbling now!! LOL! Sorry! here it is!



“Out d*mned spot!”

I wash my hands yet you do not disappear

I scrub myself until my hands bleed

When they heal, you are still there

I close my eyes and I can still see you

You are as vivid as the light of the sun

You are as dark as the night that surrounds the moon

What must I do to cleanse myself of you?

These are not murderers hands

These are not the hands of a criminal, yet they have such conscience

These are not the hands on an adulterer, yet they feel such guilt

These hands should be free

These hands should not be shackled

They need to be free

They need to be alive

Post Edited (Mackem) : 12/23/2008 7:25:26 AM (GMT-7)


shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 12/18/2008 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Mackem,

This is a beautiful poem. I often experience self loathing and I have an urge to start afresh, start life again on a clean slate, lead a life free from the blunders I made when I was undiagnosed. I have realized that some normal people make more deliberate mistakes as compared to bipolar folks, I wonder if they experience this intensity of guilt and the desire to start afresh.

Just a thought.

Sheeba

Mackem
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 12/18/2008 1:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Sheeba, thank-you very much for your complimentary words! :-) I often want to start my life over again from childhood. Wanting to turn back the time is a big thing for me. Great point about the guilt and normal people. I guess the guilt with bipolar folks is often due not as a result of anything they have necessarily done as opposed to mistakes made. That's the case for me anyway...it's false guilt! Obvioulsy theres the additional guilt of things Ive done (or not done!) because of the way I am so that is just another nail in the coffin!!

Its a pleasure to meet you by the way! :-)

fast1toochase
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 68
   Posted 12/18/2008 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
WOW! another great writing! with BP i don't know why but i feel guilt, shame, fear, sadness. that's when i am not doing to well. this has been a bad month. i just got a new psych dr. and i see her on Jan 2nd. i hope she can help me better with the depression and the guilt, scared feelings that i carry. thanks for your writings i feel good after reading that i am not alone. keep up the great work!!! fast 1

Mackem
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 84
   Posted 12/19/2008 2:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey fast1! How was your day today? Not too bad hopefully!? Glad you liked what I wrote! Its always welcome to get nice messages! :-)

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 12/22/2008 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Mackem, It is BP Gemini!

Another great piece of writing there! I wander why when we hit the depressive phase that we feel so guilty and paranoid and bad? Then when the depression lifts off of us, we do not feel that way any more. Common thread there I suppose.
Later
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