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lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 12/19/2008 4:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey, everyone. It's been quite a while since I last posted. I read all the posts and I feel so much for everyone here because for me, it is not my reality anymore. It's been almost 4 months since my husband left me (again). We've been together for 6 years, married for four (didn't make our 4th anniversary actually). He's left me on average twice a year. Goundhog day. That's how I see it when I look back. The same scenes, dialogue, the same outcome playing over and over. I'm 34, he's 30 and I have two boys from a previous and he has a son who's been like my own. I look back on all the verbal and mental abuse I suffered over the years. All the tears, the disregard for me as a wife..as a human. The lack of emotion and love for anyone but himself. Feeling so alone and unloved most of the time. This was him when he was cycling. And the other 40% of the time, he loved me so much. Was my best friend...connected with me on such deep levels. I tried so hard to be there for him, learn everything I could, do everything right, be a sweet, kind and loving wife. But in the end, I lost him to the illness. It is a battle I could not fight for him and he would rather give in to the mania, than have his family.

I saw him recently and he seemed out of it. Wouldn't look at me, acted like someone I barely knew. Maybe there's guilt, I don't know. I finally, by accident, got to speak to my 11-year old stepson..broke my heart. He posted a Myspace page and listed himself as single looking for someone for dating or serious relationship. No, he hasn't filed for divorce yet. Hasn't forwarded his mail either. Thinks I don't know where he lives- has been hiding from me. I do...just don't have the energy to care anymore. He destroyed me emotionally and financially me and my boys are on the verge of losing everything. shakehead All I had was love for this man but he was always looking for something more. I gave everything I had, loved him so deeply.

I have been moving forward the best I can. I've made some new friends in similar situations. I've made a friend who has been there for me. I've realized how messed up this whole thing has made me. I keep waiting for the ball to drop. I worry about saying the wrong thing all of the time. I think I have to walk on eggshells....and I don't. I'm learning to be normal, myself, again. I feel out of my element and feel such a loss, but it's locked so far away I can't force myself to remember the relationship. I know I still love him but I refuse to acknowledge it and just keep moving forward because that is what I have to do, for me and my boys. I admire everyone here, those with bp (love to you all) for the daily struggles you have to endure take so much strength, and to all those who love and support someone with bp for you strength and commitment to your loved ones. You're ALL heros! Much love

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/19/2008 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lostwife,

I'm so sorry that things aren't working out with your husband but that you're moving on with your life the best you can. That takes so much strength and guts. You're kids are really lucky.

Thank you SO MUCH for writing in and letting us know how things are going with you. I always wonder how things are going with the friends who cruise through, and I often never know.

I wish you all the best. Stop in whenever you can,

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/22/2009 3:24 PM (GMT -7)   
I got a call on Sunday. It's been a month since I last posted. It's been almost 5 months since he left. Here I am again. I was just winding down to sleep when my husband calls me out of the blue. He's crying and saying he's sorry. He tells me to please take care of his son for him. Of course, I got in my vehicle and drove to his place...the first time I'd been there. It looked as though he'd given up on everything, it broke my heart. He seemed restless. Told me he had been watching the football game at someone's house and got into a fight with them. He was drunk. He cried so hard something he never did in the over six years that I've known him. He kept saying he was sorry and that he couldn't do this anymore, that he didn't know what to do. He said he looked at me and saw me as his wife, like I'd never been gone and that he missed my boys and my parents. He had been looking at our happy pictures together, listening to "our songs" and the memories started coming back. I knew he would come out of the "coma" this month. He doesn't know...he doesn't see the pattern as me and so many other people do.

He kissed me and I didn't know how to respond to all of this. I tried talking to him positively about getting help and getting rid of these toxic people he's surrounded himself with. He said that he really wasn't as bipolar as I thought he was (so in denial still). He said that actually he was quite calm on a regular basis. I suspect this is because he's smoking Salvia which is a legal disassociate that can make you hallucinate. He insists that we fought "all of the time" and that the problems were all that of our marriage. In actuality, we really didn't fight that often (about twice a year when he cycled). When we did, it was SO bad and usually resulted from me addressing something minor and him becoming so defensive and down on the relationship that he wasn't willing to listen. He would blow the situation so far out...manifest "my feelings" towards him.

He asked me to stay with him, and I did. Wanted to be physical with me and I couldn't. I cried a little, it hurt me so much to see him like that, oblivious to what was really going on with him and knowing that I couldn't make him see that it is the bipolar that is and has been doing this to him all along and not the result of a "bad relationship" or because of the rest of the world. My mother had been reading his MySpace blogs to me and said she knew by his words that he was heading towards the downward part of his cycle. She was right.

The next morning, my friend called me. I was talking to him when my husband called that night and told him I was afraid he was going to hurt himself and that I would call him back. I never did. I quietly got out of bed and answered the phone. My husband heard me talking to him. He told me "you didn't use the 'L' word when you said goodbye to your boyfriend". I explained that he wasn't my boyfriend, that we both are both just separated and going through the same thing. He didn't believe me, of course. He later called me and said it was stupid that he called me to come over and that he was just down and needed to see me for some reason and that he loved me. He said he wanted me to be happy and he couldn't be the man that I needed. He said that he cried all day "for me, not for him". That night, he wrote a blog in his Myspace telling me this again and saying how sorry he was but that it was just reality and that if he thought that there was anything he could do to make it work, he would.

He had talked to my son that night and is picking up my boys to take them to a movie tonight with my stepson. I don't know what to do, or if I need to do anything. I'm so worried about him, even if he's acting "fine" I know this is going to be bad in the long run. He needs more help than I think he even realizes. What do I do? I realize that I do still love him, but know the reality of his state. HELP! sad

Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/22/2009 9:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow LostWife.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I also have a bipolar husband who doesn't seem to think he's the problem in the relationship.  This past year was a horrible one and I am now just making sense of this man's disorder and educating myself on how to help him so we can be "happy" again.
 
Hopefully, if your husband did take the boys to the movies everything turned out alright and everyone is safe.  You didn't say whether he's on medication or even been on medication.  Did that work for him?  Does he not want to take the medication?
 
I can understand your hesitation with him coming back into your life and your sons' lives.  I guess you have to ask yourself if you are willing to put yourself through the hurt and disappointment again.  Is he willing to do what he needs to do to manage his bp or not? 
 
It's like you make these promises when you marry your love that you are going to be with him in sickness and in health, bla bla bla and our husbands are in so MUCH sickness right now that at least I feel like I have to do my part to keep that promise and do whatever I can to help him be healthy.  But then who is going to take care of me? 
 
I don't know what to tell you.  I have no advice as i am in desperate need of help and support myself, but I can listen whenever you feel like spilling.  I hope you are ok.    
 


falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/23/2009 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   

My heart goes out to you lostwife!  It really does.  I read so much of my own self in your posts that it made me cry.  I felt strong and empowered and prepared to move on until the phone call came begging for another chance to make things work.  Begging for a new start.  Begging for his family back.  I went for it.......

Two days later, he is still in the bed, unable to bathe, brush his teeth, function.  Oh, except he can send text messages to his ex-assistant who became his crutch through his worst cycle ever and tried every trick in the book to "replace" me.   I feel for him and am trying to help him, but he is not showing me any respect or honoring any of his promises. 

Stay strong and listen to your heart AND your brain.  Let them work together to bring you the answers you seek.  Re-read your previous posts and remember where you were 4 months ago.  Then think about how far you have come.  Be compassionate, but protect yourself and your kids.  And be sure to take care of yourself!!!

(((HUGS)))      


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/23/2009 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Lostwife;

I really wish there was something I could say to help you. I cannot imagine being in your position. I would like to think that I wouldn't put up with that stuff either, but I don't know. You draw the lines in your head, then when they cross them you let them because you love them so much. All I can tell you is to stay strong for yourself & your kids, right now it sounds like you are all they have.

Wishing you the best,

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/23/2009 9:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Lostwife,

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is to maintain your boundaries when the man you loved is begging you for another chance and your wounds are so fresh. Remember the deep pain he has caused you. Remember how inconsiderate and cruel he has been. Remember that he will most likely do it again because he is bipolar and refuses treatment. I'm sorry to bring up the bad times, but I would hate to see you get hurt again and again.

(((hugs)))

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/23/2009 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
So we talked for a long time and he seems okay... not drinking and working on the spiritual side of things. Has a friend who made him feel better after I left that morning. I'm happy to see him finally wanting to help himself because I think as he starts letting himself just "be" without the other influences, he'll start seeing things from a different, hopefully more positive perspective...maybe learn to love himself. He's starting the move to his father's this weekend which I think will be good for him. Needs to be away from the toxic influences and people who put them out there as caring but their motives are really self-serving. I doubt he's on meds. Doesn't think he's that bipolar- said "what's to figure out", bp is "pretty simple". I don't think he believes that much of his feelings towards me and the things that were happening, his unhappiness, my sad loneliness were a product of his untreated bp mixed with stimulants and my not knowing how to respond to the situation. I know because he was like that long before we met. He said I changed from the person I was when he married me. I did- I grew. But the heart of who I am did not. My ability to have fun and be free and passionate and loving did not.

The difference: When we dated, it was fun, we got drunk together, smoked together, were a bit irresponsible and reckless and, honestly, looking back, I was no better than those toxic people chooses to surround himself with now, and that's what he like about me. As my love grew for him as my husband I started caring for him on a different, deeper level. I started caring more for his health and looking at him as the man I wanted to spend my life with. The things that made him comfortably numb...'happy' were taking over (or always had, I just started to finally take notice) killing him-physically and mentally. I saw him conflicted internally, struggling with things and it killed me that I couldn't make him see what was destroying us. But he longed for that so-called 'easy-going' and 'simple' lifestyle because it made him content and 'unique'...different from everyone else. And I was just a conformist to society...caught up like everyone else, being a slave to a mortgage, paying bills, working for someone else. But those are just things we have to do sometimes, like it or not...it's not who we are. And I THOUGHT we were doing them together. What I longed for was my best friend, spiritual growth together...being able to be content with each other without the influence of alcohol or whatever else. I don't desire a lot of material things...I do without so my family could have....I thought I was the simple one.

It's such a desperate feeling to feel someone you love so intensely slipping through your fingers and knowing that if they could just for a moment, see it through your eyes, that they might try to stop it. I've tried to understand his world through his eyes...that's why I've been to the forums for almost three years after his diagnosis. It's like you see him standing in the middle of the road with on-coming traffic and you want to run out there and push him out of the way but you know you'll get hit...and he just continues to stand there. I know, lame metaphor, but that's what it feels like for me.

He says we were just never able to communicate without fighting...which we did "all of the time" and he just saw everything as being hopeless. I saw it so differently. Saying he always felt hopeless, meant he had no desire to really try, hence, the problems. I said he was being so pessimistic, he said it's reality. I felt that anytime I tried to approach him with anything, even the smallest thing, and in the gentlest manner (on eggshells), he'd get defensive and twist what I was saying, turn it into something ugly which ultimately would end up in a fight because then I would be frantically trying to tell him, "that's not what I meant", or "I'm not mad at you", or "that's not what I think of you", but he wouldn't listen or believe me. He says, "but that's who I am, I can't change that and that's why we don't work".

I remember one time, calling his mother about something he said about another girl in front of his friends that hurt me. I was so scared to approach him about it...I wasn't. She told me to just tell him this way and in a calm manner. I told her I couldn't because I knew he would fly off the handle (he was cycling at the time). Needless to say, I did what she said, he blew up at me, and I ended up calling her back crying, saying "I told you". But when he was level, he could be so different. Easier to talk to...my friend. He doesn't see it that way, and really, what could I do about that? He said that he tried to change for the better and improve things, and he did. I DID recognize that. However, this effort on my behalf, meant that everything had to be okay now. So no issues could come up now and if they did, I got, "I'm trying to change things but nothing is ever good enough for you and I can't be the man that you need". Couldn't get sick, couldn't have a bad day at work, couldn't just be tired or quiet without everything being internalized and about me being unhappy with him. I guess that's why they call it the emotional roller coaster.

Anyway, on the up and up....the boys had so much fun. It was good to see my stepson. It was good to talk openly to my husband (even though he kept harassing me about "my boyfriend" even though he's not. Hopefully he'll find what it is he's looking for to find peace. I continue to focus on the positive aspects of life and appreciate everything I have...even the hard times can be a gift. I have had 5 months to re-discover myself and that happiness comes from within. Once I started to recognize things for what they are, and be willing to accept and learn something from all of these things, good AND bad, then I started to feel at peace. I think that it is so important to always make sure that you are moving forward no matter how fast or slow or how many times I stumble. I won't live in the past or harbor bad feelings. I've let go of all of the "wrongs" in my life and refuse to let them be an excuse for bad behavior and the condition of my happiness. When I get upset about anything now, I give myself permission to vent, cry, whatever it takes for about 5-10 minutes, and then I say, "okay, I'm done now, time to deal". I live by faith now... the KNOWING that everything will be okay, and whatever is meant to be, is meant to be. I know how hard it can be when you're in the middle of it. I wish there was some way to take everyone's hurt away, but talking/writing about it can be such therapy. As you can tell, I can ramble on sometimes!

lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/23/2009 11:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry, no, he's not and wasn't begging for me back that I know of. Honestly, I don't know what he was doing. He said that he just needed to see me...was just feeling down. I don't really know what it was. Maybe it was just the alcohol????

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/23/2009 11:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Thank you for your update. You sound like you've got your perspective in order and you're doing as well as a woman can be expected to do. You've clearly been doing a lot of thinking about who you are, what you want, and how your husband fits into the picture, as well as how your marriage developed. These are tough things to figure out, but you're doing it. That's excellent. I hope you continue to do so well. Thanks for letting us know what's going on and how you're doing.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/23/2009 2:43 PM (GMT -7)   
wow. the second and third paragraph could have been written by me - word for word. I do know that panicky feeling of them slipping away and not being able to save them... the desperation to see themselves through your eyes just for a moment and feel the hurt and the pain they are causing everybody in their lives. It's such a hard thing to understand. I'm trying to read as much as I can, to learn as much as I can so that I can help him as best I can - but darn it if it doesn't feel like it's enough. I even told him once, that I wish I could take on this illness for him, even for a day.

(HUGS) to you. Know that you are not alone.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/23/2009 4:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I just talked to him briefly. Asked him to not question my kids about my "boyfriend" because he is not and that wasn't cool to portray him that way to them. He's also told others about my "boyfriend", saying it was no big deal because I have nothing to do with his friends and it's not like it would hurt my reputation or anything. What are we, in high school? I don't know what this fixation on my FRIEND is, considering he has many a lady friends, and one with whom he works/worked with that he admitted to having chemistry with (I knew this before he left). Says they almost kissed or whatever but never put himself out there before he left me and they had great chemistry as friends. Puke! I have my doubts as I saw certain behavior by both of them long before which made me uneasy. Says he hasn't hooked up with anyone in the past 5 months. Hmmmm...all the drunken parties, him putting himself out there as single and looking for dating/serious relationships, the lady "friends" who call him and get attached so he says. He told me, "I don't want to be with anyone. For one thing, I'm still married".?????!! Says he's not lying..maybe he's not. Doesn't matter, does it? Marriage just doesn't mean anything to people anymore. Like everything else in life, happiness takes work too. It's too bad. Keep moving forward...

So, his father is setting him up with a business and he's moving soon. Once I clean up the after-mess of this, the children and I will move as well. Guess he's going to spend another day with the boys before he leaves. He told me he wouldn't do that anymore.

You all sound like very giving and kind-hearted people. You must be, right? You're all here and that says a lot! Love to you all!

lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/28/2009 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
So...this week isn't looking any better than last. I went to his work yesterday to drop his w2's off with his boss...he was there. Wasn't expecting that. Last week wore me out mentally. He asked me if I wanted to talk a bit. He was bringing up his lady "friends" which led to more questions about my "boyfriend"...makes me tired. We talked about the weekend. I told him my friends picked me up and drug me to Vegas for a night. Asked me if my friend was there. I told him he was, along with my other friends. Said goodbye and he texts me after saying he wanted to file for divorce.

Same problem we always had throughout our relationship. Says we couldn't communicate, but doesn't realize that that requires him to LISTEN to what I'm saying and BELIEVE what I'm saying. Instead, we talk, he hears what he wants, and I'm always lying. He tells his version of everything to his enablers who offer stupid advice because they have no clue what our relationship was like or what's really going on with him. Can't even imagine what he's said about me to everyone...don't care.

My mom called him. I guess she needed closure too because she's been staying with me, helping me cope emotionally. She's cried a lot over us, over him. He said he's not that bi-polar I guess. Said that I was depressed and unhappy all of the time (I wasn't). Saying I treated him like a child, we fought all the time, focused on every little negative thing. Said he needs a divorce because it hurts him to much knowing I'm with someone else. Said he was thinking of going to lunch with me once in a while but couldn't now. It's great that he has all of these things in his head, but flat out doesn't vocalize his thoughts, plans, or intentions to me. What can he expect from me? I'm tired of talking and not being listened to. It's like, "why ask, then?" I'm so drained. sad

Well, he was filling out the divorce papers last night. Oddly enough, my step father-in-law calls me and tells me he just got divorce papers yesterday too. Doesn't surprise me. My husband and his mother (who's very bipolar as well) usually act/do the same things as each other. It always seemed as if they cycled the same, probably because they trigger each other off. Of course, neither one of them sees it...I've seen it, my family's seen it.

Since I've been out of the situation for 5 months, my eyes have been open...looking from the outside-in. I've been able to see it for what it is. He doesn't. Still trapped in his twisted version of our reality...but it's his reality...and what can you do? He won't get the help he needs because he doesn't think he needs it. Alcohol was a problem, yes, and quitting will help, yes. But it won't make the reality of him bp go away. I'm tired of fighting his battle alone...I can't. Will probably be signing his papers any day now.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/28/2009 12:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry, Lostwife. Things definitely didn't work out the way you wanted them to, but maybe this is for the best. I hope it goes smoothly and quickly and you can be done with the details of it without too much trouble.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/29/2009 8:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry to hear that. I know you're thinking that there is not "bright side" to divorce - except that you've been through hell, and I truly believe you did all you could to help him. If he doesn't even want to believe he's "that" bipolar then you're saving yourself from a lifetime of what you've just gone through. I'm so sorry. You must be heartbroken, I know I would be. ((HUGS)) I hope things go smoothly for you.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/30/2009 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
HELP!!! I'm being sucked back in! I received a text from my husband yesterday morning about talking to my father-in-law. My mother-in-law then called my mom yesterday morning. I text him back saying I wasn't "hanging out" with him, he was just feeling bad and wanted to talk a little. So his mother goes completely off! Lying horribly! She said that the business people in the area said that they'd seen me there (at his towing company) many times. She said that she could tell my ex-husband many HORRIBLE things about me and have my children taken away. She said that she ran into his girlfriend, a paralegal who I took to court for stalking me and my husband at work. She said she talked to her nicely and if she wanted to, she could make trouble for me by telling them I'm having an affair with a married man! Why was she even talking to her, nicely, when she hurt her son, too?! PSYCHO! She tried lying that she has a man moved in with her (her husband knew about this already) and lied about her involvement with other men/including her ex-husband. I didn't say hardly ANYTHING to my father-in-law. I've been out of the picture for 5 months- what could I say?! And of course, my husband FEEDS off of every word she says...believes everything she says and she knows it. She manipulates him so horribly because he's the only one she can lean on. Like a husband. It's a sick relationship but I'm not going to go there.

So my husband has been totally obsessing about this friend of mine. Couldn't care less about any of my other friends. He's telling everyone that he's sick of hearing about him because it hurts him so bad because he still loves me. I told him over and over that he's just a good friend. We have a mutual group of friends. And the only reason he keeps coming up is because every time I talk to him, he's pumping me with questions about him. I'm not telling him ANYTHING because there ISN'T anything to tell. HE'S the one bringing him up! He's obsessed! He just happened to be the one who called me when my husband threatened to do himself in last weekend when I rushed over there to stop him. His house was horrible! Garbage everywhere! My friend called me the next morning because he was worried because I hung up so quickly and never called him back that he thought maybe my husband hurt me too. My husband DWELLS on that call. Manifesting all sorts of things! I've told him over and over cause I'm sick of it! Won't listen. Says all we did for six years was argue but it's because HE NEVER LISTENS to me! And what about all of HIS 'friends'? He's had himself on websites for months, putting himself out there as looking for dating and relationships. He's been at parties and has these chicks who are infatuated with him. WHY? He's let enough slip to lead me to believe that he has been no perfect saint that he's trying to portray to me. The, "I haven't been with anyone..after all, I'm still married" crap! Well, I found out the other day that his little story about his co-worker coming on to him was crap, too. I heard that HE was reprimanded for coming on to HER and that she had been broken up with her boyfriend for a while. He told me that he stayed in the same house with her one night and nothing happened. But my mom and I knew he had been seeing someone by a blog he put on MySpace and removed after. He signed it "Mr. A" which I found out later, she calls him Mr. Awesome! Sick! And he calls himself on MySpace, "the one and only Mr. Awesome". Sounds like they had a relationship to me!

On a self-pity trip now, like he always does when severely cycling. Tries to get sympathy from whoever he can get it from by making me look like a horrible person to everyone. LIES LIES LIES! And what's wrong with these idiots who hang on his every word?! They KNOW he left me high and dry and that I was crying over him saying how much I loved him when he left (like every other time). They've SEEN his behavior. I know it's not me. For the past five months, I've woke up feeling peaceful and content...happy. The constant nausea, stress and fear have been gone. I've been happy and healthy..running... and smiling. How dare they come into my life and try to lay guilt trips on me!

He and his psycho mother are out to destroy me now. Some of the other exes of his family members have told me to RUN! Get out! BP runs strong in his family. We're the cast-outs! Think I've had enough. Need to find a way to get me and my kids out of this town...away. I JUST WANT OUT! (sorry for the vent!)

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/30/2009 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Get out then. Time to cut ties. If you have a custody battle coming, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just take care of yourself and your children. Be the rational one. Refuse to take phone calls. Don't allow him access to you if he's going to be manipulative and cruel and DEFINITELY don't talk to your in-laws. There's no need for that. If they want to see the kids, he can take them over to their house. Get yourself a lawyer if you haven't already. I'm sorry this is already turning ugly.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/30/2009 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Fortunately, my children are from my first marriage. Thank GOD! My mother and I believe this arose because he wanted me back. Didn't come right out with it, but tried to "get" with me and I said "no". Told me the grass wasn't greener. It's a control thing. Even his friend said so. Wants me for "reserve" when things don't work out for him. When I refused him (for the first time ever) he assumes it's because of another man. Why else would I, right? If he wanted me back, he never indicated that he wanted me for long-term...just in the sack. Said he didn't want me over there just for that but then told my mom that he was going to file divorce papers anyway so it's safe to assume it would've been just a one-nighter. THANK GOODNESS I didn't! My mom's worried because he put on his MySpace "IRATE" for his mood. She's worried about what kind of influence his mother is having on him right now because she's SO vindictive and hateful. I haven't heard from him. Hopefully I'll just get his papers without anything said (I know, wishful thinking). I don't have anything to do with the in-laws actually. I don't plan on communicating with the father-in-law. Even though nothing was said, they look for ANYTHING to jump on me about. I do have an attorney if anything should arise so I'm just hoping they don't start sending "spies" over to my house, which I know she would probably even do herself (she did it before to my sister-in-law). How did I get hooked up with these people?

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/30/2009 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   
YIKES! sounds like a bunch of petty drama. if you honestly don't want to get sucked back in then it really is time to cut the ties and walk away. don't reply to his texts, don't answer the phone when he calls, don't look at his myspace page and tell people that you don't want to hear about him either - things like that. Eventually he'll get the hint (or you'll have to get a restraining order) and at that point you'll have ammo on him if it comes down to a custody battle. You have to be the more stable one in this situation and rising above the BS and going on with life no matter how much you're hurting is really essential right now. Courts will place children where it is in the best interest of the child, so portraying that picture is vital. This is a really tough situation you're in and I truly feel for you.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/30/2009 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
We don't share any children, luckily, so that will never be an issue. I'm so mentally tired. I guess he talked to my mom. Saying he hasn't talked to his mother and is now trying to keep out of it. Hhmmm. My mom told him the things she said. Of course, they were lies. This is why I wrote her off the day after he left. He can't tell me her lies and influence over him had nothing to do with escalate.

He asked if I wanted a divorce? Says he's going to Europe next month (I suspect with his friend from MySpace if I don't indicate I want to get back together). Who knows. I'm not going to speculate. Don't have the energy. Mom said she got mixed messages from him. It's cut and dry to me. If we weren't a "good fit", as he told this lady friend, and it was just a "bad marriage" and all we did was argue for six years, then there's no question about divorce. NOW he's starting to acknowledge his bipolar symptoms. Did it ever occur to him that we argued because of his denial and neglect towards treatment? Not to mention the booze and pot? I mean, seriously, what kind of relationship could he expect? Why would he think that anyone in their right mind would respect him for his neglect, abuse and abandonment? He said our 6 years of arguing was the reason he left. Well, to be honest, I burnt out on him never listening, debating back and forth over the truthfulness of what I was saying. If you're not going to believe me anyway, then don't ask. Arguments were unavoidable and they still are because of his mindset. Just tired. Working 14 hours again today. Guess he wants to go over papers on Sunday. Don't know if I want to see him for a while.

Jondoe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 1/30/2009 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Any chance you can tell him just to file? Is there any money or property in dispute?

It sure sounds like you and your family would be best to cut all contact asap and move on. I know that's easy for an outsider to say, but this just sounds like poison.

lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 1/30/2009 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Don't think he really wants to file. Yes, there are possible property issues, but I think we can simplify that. It's amazing how sick my body feels. I've been so healthy and great for all of this time and within one week of exposure to this, it's like I'm back in the craziness of the relationship. Ugh! Now my mom says he's talking very normal and objectively. Says he's back to the sweet S**n*, the one I loved, which really f's me up. Cause the reality is, this isn't going to ever get any better.

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/30/2009 7:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I think if I were in your shoes, the only thing that would make me feel "good" in all this is that if he does move on with someone else, he's HER problem! You know he won't have a better relationship with anyone else. And it might sound bad to say it, but that should make you feel better - that it's not YOUR fault!!
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


starlight1
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 1/31/2009 2:58 AM (GMT -7)   
wow... you have your hands full... the main thing is protect yourself and your kids
no love in the world is worth what you are going thru I talk from experience.. Loving the person who hurts you is the hardest thing..harden your hart and put yourself and the kids first. (I told my hubby if he hurts us again after i try and fix the mess he got us into then next time it is over... even if he has no control over his behavior because he is sick and no were to go and i know that i will always love him. but after 10 years of this stuff i am not no way picking up the pieces again, i do not have the strength.) Life goes on. You sound like you know what you are doing... just be strong friend and know that we are here for you...getting away from it all sounds like a good idea you need a break from the craziness and some stability(just be careful that running away does not unsettle the kids... we have had to move so often because of my hubby's problems and it has not been good for the kids I am hoping that my Hubby understands that i am at the end of the rope and that is why he has agreed to get help.) Hard to say this because even though i have read your post i do not really know you and maybe saying this is hard.. but by leaving you he may have done the best thing for you and the kids. Take some time to see WHAT YOU WANT... do you want him back??? because if you do not want him back then stop all communications with him it is not good for you. correspond with a lawyer. And if you do want him back then get him to go for help... if he will not go for help.. then even if you want him, you must understand that it is hopeless and go on with your life VERY IMPORTANT tell your family to stop talking to him they are your family your support.. not his...and do not talk to his family Blood is always thicker than water
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