My husband thinks everyone is BP, and the weak ones just can't "deal"

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living with BPD
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/22/2008 11:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,

about 6 months ago, I tried for what seems like the hundredth time to explain to my husband my guilt for being such a bad wife and mother. I tried to explain to him the things that I go through. I cried. I explained more, cried some more, and inevitably ended up fumbling the words, getting confused and frustrated at myself, and feeling like I was trying to cram a square peg in a round hole. His response? " I think everyone has issues, and every person out there has a little bipolar in them. It is just a matter of strength, and some people fight through it and live up to their responsibilities, while others are just weak and use it as an excuse." I don't think I need to explain how badly that hurt. I have posted some in here, and have finally seen an actual psychiatrist after years of family docs and therapist - based programs. I am now on meds (they haven't kicked in yet) and decided to try one last time. I asked my hubby to consider going with me to my next appointment and allowing the pdoc to explain the reasons behind my actions. Has anyone had to do this? You see, we have been married going on five years now, and when we met, I was in the longest manic phase I have ever been in. I was also drinking a lot, so I was much more fun. I told him that I had a panic disorder and some depression (at the time I had not yet been diagnosed correctly) and he was fine with it. Then came 2 babies, and now I do well to function once a week. I can't tell you how many times he has complained that I am "lazy" and can't even keep a house clean, or cook dinner, or that I can't wake up in the morning and get my girls on a schedule. He hates that I stay up until 3 and 4 in the morning and that I CAN NOT wake up in the morning. God knows I've tried, but it is impossible. It's like I'm drugged. He cheated on me back in June, and I forgave him, but it became my fault. I pushed him away. I know in a lot of ways that I did. I tried explaining that I hate being this way, that I love him and my children. If I am being completely honest, there have been times that they were the only reasons I never took that final step. I am almost 30, but I still needed them to keep me from giving in and giving up. Why in the world can't he understand that calling me lazy, hearing my oldest son call me lazy and joke with him about how "mom never does anything and all she does is sleep or get really mad really quick for no reason" doesn't help - it only makes me feel more guilty. Does anyone else's spouse tell them these things? Does anyone else struggle to "fake it" and battle through it? I swear, I won't have the energy to get off my butt all day, but 30 minutes before he gets home I am so afraid that he'll see that I haven't accomplished anything at home that I either fake being sick or fold some clothes as he pulls in the drive to feign productivity. I can't tell you how many times I've stuck my finger down my throat to puke just so I could say I was sick and be alone, and even that doesn't ever work.

Sorry - I rambled - but point is, is it a good idea to have him come with me? Will it help? Can the doc explain it to him in a way he can understand? I know that the only ones who can come close to understanding are others like me, but I so desperately want him to be proud of me, to understand how hard it has been to fight this thing alone for years, and to know that I really can't help being "lazy" or mad or libido-less. (yes, I realize that isn't a word. :-) Maybe when the meds kick in he will see how different I can be.

Thanks for listening to me vent,

Living with BPD
Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2008
Diagnosed IBS in 2000
Son Diagnosed Bipolar in 2008


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/23/2008 10:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow Living With BPD,

Your post actually made me angry. You are living in a very toxic environment and you need to take some steps to protect yourself soon. Your husband is abusing you and taking advantage of your feelings of guilt and love to call you names and even turn the tables of his affair on you. That is ABSOLUTELY not alright. You have an ILLNESS whether he understands or not, and you DESERVE support and love, whether he's willing to offer those things or not. He has even gone so far as to turn your son against you which is the worst of all.

You are deeply depressed. It is a common enough illness that he could look it up on the internet and gain some knowledge about it, but it seems he doesn't want to. Yes, by all means, ask him to come to the psychiatrist with you if he's willing to keep an open mind.

But you need to demand some respect in your relationship. You need to stand up for yourself at once. Insist he show you respect or else... I don't know what the or else is -- that's up to you. As the drugs kick in you will begin to feel better and you will have more energy to back up some of these threats. You need to stick up for yourself.

I also really recommend you get yourself a counselor or therapist as soon as you can -- they can help you work through the guilt and the depression and help you keep comments like your husband's and son's in perspective.

I wish you very well,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


living with BPD
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/23/2008 6:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for the response and the support. I know that sometimes he says things, such as calling me lazy, that aren't true, but I think it's because he doesn't understand. I am going to school online as well so that I no longer have to hear about how hard HE works and that we never get ahead. I know that some of these things that he says are probably true. I do spend money at times that we don't have, and I understand that it is part of being bipolar. I have tried to stand up for myself, but it's hard to argue with when I feel that I should be able to clean a house and wake up early with my girls and get up every morning to see my son get on the bus. I know I should be all of these things, so I find it hard to argue with my shortcomings. I know that I should be a better wife, so I guess when he says all these things, I feel like he's right. I also think that he is angry, because I'm not the fun girl I was 5 years ago, and the grass always looks greener on the other side. By that I mean that his buddies' wives all put their makeup on and dress up just to go to the dang mailbox, and that just isn't me. I guess he wants Martha Stewart, and I just don't know how to do that.

I know, I rambled again. I know that I should stand up for myself more, and maybe when the meds kick in I will feel better about myself and be able to do and be what I want to do and be. Then maybe we can actually talk. In his defense, I ALWAYS feel like he's attacking me, no matter how he tries to put things. I just hope with all the hope that I can muster that it will get easier and better once I get my moods and emotions are balanced.

I appreciate all of the support, and I never really thought of anything said or done to be abuse, I just always think that I deserve it. I know how bad I can get, so how could I not expect it? I do hope that he will go a listen to the doc explain why I act the way I do, and hope that he will gain understanding and be sorry. Unfortunately, my husband does not give out sympathy for anything, so I doubt he'd ever be sorry, but maybe he'll change for the future.
Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2008
Diagnosed IBS in 2000
Son Diagnosed Bipolar in 2008

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