6 months ago, I tried for what seems like the hundredth time to explain to my husband my guilt for being such a bad wife and mother. I tried to explain to him the things that I go through. I cried. I explained more, cried some more, and inevitably ended up fumbling the words, getting confused and frustrated at myself, and feeling like I was trying to cram a square peg in a round hole. His response? " I think everyone has issues, and every person out there has a little bipolar in them. It is just a matter of strength, and some people fight through it and live up to their responsibilities, while others are just weak and use it as an excuse." I don't think I need to explain how badly that hurt. I have posted some in here, and have finally seen an actual psychiatrist after years of family docs and therapist - based programs. I am now on meds (they haven't kicked in yet) and decided to try one last time. I asked my hubby to consider going with me to my next appointment and allowing the pdoc to explain the reasons behind my actions. Has anyone had to do this? You see, we have been married going on five years now, and when we met, I was in the longest manic phase I have ever been in. I was also drinking a lot, so I was much more fun. I told him that I had a panic disorder and some depression (at the time I had not yet been diagnosed correctly) and he was fine with it. Then came 2 babies, and now I do well to function once a week. I can't tell you how many times he has complained that I am "lazy" and can't even keep a house clean, or cook dinner, or that I can't wake up in the morning and get my girls on a schedule. He hates that I stay up until 3 and 4 in the morning and that I CAN NOT wake up in the morning. God knows I've tried, but it is impossible. It's like I'm drugged. He cheated on me back in June, and I forgave him, but it became my fault. I pushed him away. I know in a lot of ways that I did. I tried explaining that I hate being this way, that I love him and my children. If I am being completely honest, there have been times that they were the only reasons I never took that final step. I am almost 30, but I still needed them to keep me from giving in and giving up. Why in the world can't he understand that calling me lazy, hearing my oldest son call me lazy and joke with him about
how "mom never does anything and all she does is sleep or get really mad really quick for no reason" doesn't help - it only makes me feel more guilty. Does anyone else's spouse tell them these things? Does anyone else struggle to "fake it" and battle through it? I swear, I won't have the energy to get off my butt all day, but 30 minutes before he gets home I am so afraid that he'll see that I haven't accomplished anything at home that I either fake being sick or fold some clothes as he pulls in the drive to feign productivity. I can't tell you how many times I've stuck my finger down my throat to puke just so I could say I was sick and be alone, and even that doesn't ever work.
Sorry - I rambled - but point is, is it a good idea to have him come with me? Will it help? Can the doc explain it to him in a way he can understand? I know that the only ones who can come close to understanding are others like me, but I so desperately want him to be proud of me, to understand how hard it has been to fight this thing alone for years, and to know that I really can't help being "lazy" or mad or libido-less. (yes, I realize that isn't a word.
Maybe when the meds kick in he will see how different I can be.
Thanks for listening to me vent,
Living with BPD
Diagnosed Bipolar I in 2008
Diagnosed IBS in 2000
Son Diagnosed Bipolar in 2008