I am so sorry for what you are going thru, and I understand all too well. I am the wife of a BP II/ADHD sufferer, and not sure I can give you the best advice as I am struggling with many of the same issues/questions as you are, but I can lend an ear and support you. To me, it feels very alone sometimes when we are going thru the roller coaster of what is happening around us when our spouses are not doing well.
My husband told me weeks ago that this time of year is 'very stressful' for him. So I braced myself knowing what that means, hoping and praying that we, with our 2 young children, would be able to enjoy a nice Christmas and holiday. He has reamed into me 3 different times in the past week when all was seemingly fine, always out of the blue, always becoming irrational, mean and verbally abusive, always blaming me for his own behaviour and rationalizing his words, etc...it's as if I'm living with 2 people. Rocketman, do you feel this way?
If anyone on this forum who suffers from BP can help us try to understand this, please reach out. I am starting to feel depressed by so much hurt coming from him, I just can't seem to recover anymore. My husband is on meds and sees a therapist occasionally, but he will not allow me to go with him so I feel the therapist is in the dark at what is really going on in our home. I think my husband has no control over his hurtful words at all. One minute he's gooshing all over me about how much he loves me, the next he's screaming obscenities and horrible things at me, and blaming me for things I have never said or done. I am also at my wits end, as my support and love and encouragement also doesn't seem to matter. What to do?
Sometimes he will come back later and say I "pushed him" or that he's sorry, then he expects me to completely forget it and move on as if I'm not hurt or as if everything is fine, when it's not. He justifies his behaviour saying that "I have hurt him before by threatening our marriage". Well, who wouldn't be threatening a marriage after this going on for years? I am trying to do the right thing for my family, for myself and for our children. This is not a healthy environment.
The weird thing is...much of the time he seems fine and stable. These episodes have been happening more over the holidays, but also happen at least every month to 2 months once or twice. It's always like being hit in the face with a load of bricks.
Rocketman, your situation sounds a lot like mine in that you seem to have stood by her side through everything regardless of the behaviour that has hurt you. It seems many things have been tried. It sounds like she needs a totally new psychiatrist and therapist to help her with her meds, but that proves to be the most difficult task. My husband went thru 6 psychiatrists and several therapists before landing at the clinic he goes to for treatment now. I don't think his behaviour is still stable, or would he be acting this out of control?
Does he mean all these irrational and hurtful things he says? I can't just snap my fingers and get over this anymore, it's damaging and not normal to be thrown back and forth with emotions. I find myself questioning why he does it, and what he means or not. He is damaging and hurting both me and our children. Are there children involved in your situation? This is major focal point of struggle for me in what the right thing to do is.
I understand what you mean when you say you just "scratched the surface". It's so overwhelming that it just seems like a whirlwind of neverending issues and things to try to explain.
I don't know what the right thing to do is. The worst thing is I'm sure you are a caring person and love your wife, or you would have never stuck with her thru all of this. I also love my husband but feel I can only take so much. I have one life to live and I am also responsible for my children's well being and happiness. I don't believe anyone (not just someone married to a BP sufferer) deserves verbal abuse and hurtfulness. I have had more tolerance because I know my husband is ill, but I'm starting to wonder if this will ever change. I have been with him for 13 years, and he was dx 6 years ago. It has been a neverending up/down battle since then.
It's very hurtful to be blamed over and over for someone else's behaviour. And you are right, what can we do about it? Either sit there and take it, become depressed, or fight back and become angry and unwell ourselves? I find it very hard to keep ignoring.
I will be happy to support you in any way I can. Maybe we can somehow support eachother.
God Bless You and your family,