My bipolar wife

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js86
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/28/2008 5:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I just stumbled across this site while trying to learn about bipolar. My wife was diagnosed about a year ago. looking back she has always had symptoms. To me the real onset though was after our second child was born. I don't know if going through pregnacy/child birth is a coninsidece. I have pretty much isolated myself from everything minus my work and immediate family. If anyone rubs my wife the wrong way her answer is to erase them from her life. If i continue any type of communication with that person i am taking there side. That has been a constant stuggle to keep contact with my family, though they have not been totally supportive i don't want to cut them out of my life. Back to the begining. We've  been married almost 2 years now and she has been seing a dr for about a year. I am in the military and over the last year i was deployed about 6 months. So while i was gone she was alone with our two young chilidren. She pushes everyone away, because they do something that annoys her or they don't even have to do anything to her, but if she doesn't agree with it, then its all the same. Her being alone with no support didn't help much. When i was around I couldn't have a social life, she wanted no part in leaving the house unless it was vital, dr grocerys ect. When i did i was betraying her, leaving the kids with her even though i leave them when im at work. So ive cut out my social life. I can never do anything right for her. She tells me i don't understand, frankly i don't. I'll listen to her, completly, and when shes done talking she yells at me for not caring. If im not home from work when she thinks i should be im cheating on her. I told her i was having trouble sleeping and she told me i probably have a guilty concious from thinking about having an affair or wanting to leave her. She is very verbally abusive and it has really worn on me. I.e. the other day she was getting dressed and i told her that she looked good with what she had on, she told me i have no style why in hell would she care what i thought. She takes a lot out on our second child too. I think she subconciously blames him for her problems. She is one an antipsycotic and another one that slips my mind. They have cause her to gain about 30 lbs in the last 4 months, as you know makes it worse. She isn't really up and down much as just angry all the time, some nights she'll be nice and sweet, just like somebody fliped the switch. This is just a brief overview of the situation. She claims that she can't help any of it. To me it seems like a crutch. I know that there will be things she can't help, but i know that there are things she can. I really just need to vent as ive said before i don't really have anyone else to talk to about it, Im really reaching the end of my understanding though, It is so hard not to take the ugly things she says personal. It has wore me ragged. I have gave up many oppurtunities in my career, interaction with the outside world, and many close relationships that i had. I don't know how much i can take or am willing to put myself through. Please feel free to comment back, i would love to talk to anyone about this.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/28/2008 7:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi js86,

I want to welcome you to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. I don't have much time to respond right this moment, but I'll be back later to give you the response you deserve. It's good you're taking the time to research your wife's condition and educate yourself.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 12/28/2008 10:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome js86.  You say your wife has been seeing a dr.  ... but has she been seeing a psychiatrist or therapist?  This might be helpful, and what also may be helpful is maybe you going with her to her next appointment to bring up your concerns.  Her meds may not be the best for her.  I know it is hard to not take some of the things personally, but you must take care of yourself in all of this.  And remember to especially make sure the children are being treated properly.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


js86
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/29/2008 6:03 AM (GMT -7)   
She has been seeing a psyc. I wan't to go to her dr with her, but i think she sees that as a form of control. When it comes to people helping or anything of that nature she'll have none of it. I know her meds arn't working she had one that was working great but only lasted for a couple months and she couldn't handle it when they upped it. she doesn't mistreat the kids she is just unable to handle them by herself for very long, sometimes even when i am here. I have a question for anyone. Would it help or hinder her to get a job, to get her out of the house and give her a break from the kids.

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 12/29/2008 8:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Welcome aboard;

It sounds like you and I have a lot of parallells in our situation. Although she has never forced the issue with my family, she never has anythig good to say about them & anytime we are due to go to see them the few days before are always tense. But with the friends, I fully understand. The limited social contact I had was at work and of course they were all jerks & I was acting just like them & if I worked with a female, no matter what she looked like, it was just a matter of time before I started having an affair with them.

As far as going to the doctor with her,unfortunatly that is her choice, I think it would be a big help if you went with her, it has with me. Before when she got home I would always hear about how they said this and that about what I should & shouldn't be doing I would later find out that a lot of this wasn't true), but I also knew she wasn't telling the therapist everything that was going on with her either. Try to spin it a little like "I want to go so they can help me find better ways to support you" or something like that. I don't fully know your situation, but I bet that if it was her idea for you to go then it would be ok with her. I have learned that unfortunatly you have to do things like this to get the results you are looking for. I know that sounds awful, but the overall goal is to help them  & to try to make a peaceful existance for the whole family. I have found that having a spouce with this is a lot like having another child sometimes & sometimes that is the way you have to deal with things.

Hopfully she will come around and let you start going with her, but it may take a while before she does, until then just try to stay calm & let the things she says roll off of you ( I know how hard that can be, especially when it has been all day) and come here often & just look around at other peoples posts & replies.

best wishes


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/29/2008 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi js86,

It is very difficult living with a bipolar spouse in the best of circumstances and it sounds like your wife is not doing so great right now. It sounds like her medication isn't working very well. Going to the doctor with her is one idea, for sure, and would be really useful. Another option is to check out the book “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder” by Julie Fast and John D. Preston.

I assure you that having bipolar is not a crutch and although she may seem to be making decisions just to be difficult, she is not. I also find ordinary activities exhausting, and I'm not alone. It is very common for bipolars to not be able to hold down a job -- although many of us do -- and to need extra help with ordinary daily responsibilities like child care. My daughter (for instance) is in preschool even though I am home all day partially because I can't handle the exhaustion of a full day of solitary child care while my husband is at work. What may truly help your wife is to alleviate stress in her life and offer her outlets to get out and make her body and mind happy -- a yoga class, a painting class, a knitting group, something like that. Something where she could make some friends of her own and feel some stress relief. Stress is a bipolar's worst enemy and aggravates the condition. I understand she dóesn't like to get out of the house, but perhaps if it were something of her choosing and just for her, she would consider it.

Also, I recommend therapy in addition to seeing a psychiatrist. Giving her an outlet for her thoughts and frustrations other than just you would help direct her energies elsewhere.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Best of luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


js86
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/30/2008 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you very much rocketman and serafena. It is very nice to have some people to talk to.

keepinghope
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 1/1/2009 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I also have a wife that has severe crohn's disease,she refuses to ask doctors for help,i beleive she has had bipolar for 9 years, she gets into relationships with younger men, thinks i am the problem,has filed for a divorce thinking she gets everything       i will just move out, I do the laundry,cleaning,cooking and she says i do nothing to keep her around, she goes out at night and says The kids or I dont need to know where she goes or when she is coming home,She is depressed,sleeps with her purse and talks 1000min a month on a cellphone.
I have tried supporting her every way possible but she cant see her faults

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/1/2009 10:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi lightsout,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. Your first step is to try and get your wife to a psychiatrist, no matter what. There's little you can do about her bipolar until she is on a treatment plan.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


DataGuy
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/10/2009 1:42 PM (GMT -7)   
js86,
Hang in there, I see that all of us spouses, male and female, have to deal with the same issues. My wife has BP and was diagnosed about 5 years ago.
Her jealousy was so bad I demanded she see a Dr. thats when she was diagnosed.
Make a compliment, it gets twisted around. Don't make a compliment, why haven't you noticed I did my hair different? You must be in love with someone at work with all the hours you put in. I kept my friends away so they wouldn't have to deal with the ups and downs. My family was very supportive, my parents loved her to death and knew she had problems. They always treated her well. She didn't think so but now that my parents have passed on she misses them deeply.
Work, wow, she appreciates the income but doesn't like me working.
It's kind of a no win situation until she realizes there is a serious problem. Let her go to Dr. alone, if she won't allow you to go with her, make an appointment for yourself. Ask how to deal with your situation and get advice. Both of you should go, its made a big improvement for my wife and I.
We don't have children so can't help there.

gilly-love
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 204
   Posted 1/10/2009 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   
I cried when I read your story... I also was married to a defence man and  a loving mother of three....I was diagonised with bipolar. Everything you said touched me and brought it all back.  My husband did everything he could for me in everyway. He put off deployments and never went out. I was lost, lost in my own little world, i no longer could understand what was going on with me and thought if i couldn't than noone else could. I pushed everyone away I isolated myself when i was depressed and became very jealious and demanding and angry with my husband followed by guilt and shame. Then when i was in mania i would do what i wanted, spent money like no tomorrow and even if it meant sleeping with other people..There didn't seem to be any concenquences for my actions at the time....The process repeated over and over untill i felt suicidal....My husband continued to TRY to help me. I couldnt even wash the dishes it was all to much for me to deal with. I eventually left my husband and children ...not because i didnt love them but i could no longer put them through this and see me the way i was with my erratic behaviour....I thought they would be better offf without me in their lives. I LOST IT ALL!!  Husband, Friends, Children.  Today i am in control of my life a little better and am getting stronger everday...The memories still hurt and I dont think i will every be able to forgive myself for the disease getting me...It took everything! 
 
I feel for you sooooooo much, please just do what you can...but please you need to get supposrt for yourself and stay healthy, She still need you in so many ways.  She can get in control of this disease....Dont give her a choice when it comes to the doc visits. Just tell her you are coming and that is all there is to it.  Take care sweet. gillxx
       My Struggles!
- Graves Disease in remission
- Depression on and off medicated
- Wrongly Diagonised Bi polar with meds
- Wrongly Diagonised BPD with meds
- Srtuggling with Bulimia
- X Drug Dependant, self medicating
- All along a drug induce psycosis- Nothing more..
- Recovering from a broken Heart
- Recient Recovering Alcoholic
      I am getting Stronger!
 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/10/2009 7:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Gilly,

Good for you, working so hard to get stronger. It sounds like you've had a tough time of it. You'll get there. Glad you're here with us.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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