End of rope with spouse

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4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 12/30/2008 9:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear friends,
 
Is there someone out there who can help me this morning?  I am feeling crushed by my husband's (BP II/ADHD) hurtful behaviour over the past week while he's been at home on vacation with us.  It's like my mind is fuzzy and I can't seem to recover anymore.  There have been 3 separate episodes/incidents where all is well and happy and he has just gone on a hurtful rampage and later rather than apologize he just says "well you've hurt me before too when you've threatened our marriage".  Well who wouldn't finally threaten a marriage when your husband continues to hurt you and your children with his words and behaviour?  I've done everything for this man who I have loved, but at what expense?  He was dx 6 yrs ago and is on meds, but I feel nothing works anymore, and nothing changes with him.  He tries to control everything I do, chastises everything I do, misinterprets and misjudges everything, won't listen, is argumentative and insists he is right, berates things which are important to me, speaks to me horribly in front of our children,...I could go on.  I am a Christian and feel I have been battling for our marriage and to keep our family togetrher for years by myself.  I just can't take it anymore.  I am heartbroken.
 
Just feel at my wits end and exhuasted.  I left a job to go back to school and have 2 little ones.  I don't have any family nearby to help me and don't feel as strong as I once was.  I am praying so hard for strength and guidance and protection for my children.  I can't stand the thought of leaving my husband because of our precious children.  But this is not good for them to see either.
 
I appreciate all of you.
 
4support
 
{I added a subject heading -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 12/30/2008 10:15:06 AM (GMT-7)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/30/2008 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi 4support,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now.

You mentioned in your other post that your husband said this time of year was hard on him. That's very common for bp's, and stress is a terrible trigger for us. It worsens the mood swings. That's not to excuse his erratic behavior, just to explain.

He probably needs his medication adjusted. I don't know if he'll be open to you discussing his need to see the doctor to get his medication adjusted, but if you put it in the context of how it will make him feel better, he might be more open to it.

As to your marriage, I obviously can't say what you can live with, but I can tell you that bipolar is very difficult to live with. Perhaps you need to have a heart to heart with him and let him know you can't live with certain behaviors and that you are thinking about leaving. That might scare him into making a greater effort to get his disorder under control and be less controlling. But you need to be very rational, precise about your complaints, and ready for it to back fire. Are you truly ready to leave?

Hope this is helpful,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 12/30/2008 6:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Serafena,

You are always so helpful. Thank you for responding.

I am so compassionate toward my husband if he is struggling, but it's as if he will not let me be. He is automatically defensive, irritable, argumentative and seems to look at me like I'm the enemy, rather than his partner in life.

I tried to talk with him calmly about seeing his doctor and his usual response is to blame his own behaviour on me, and tell me I'm "full of it", that "I'm the one who needs help", that nothing is wrong. He has always said this, rather than be honest that he probably does need a med adjustment and shouldn't have said the hurtful things that he did. I think I'm just worn out trying to get him to see what he is doing, both to me and our children.

I have no control over this, and I don't even seem to be able to influence him to take care of himself.

If he knows this is a stressful time for him, why can't he control himself better? Or better yet, go in to see his doctor/therapist to help him cope, since no one else seems to be able to help him.

I have told him that I think a separation would be good. I am so confused as to what he means when he goes on these hurtful rants, it seems nothing I do is enough for him. Sometimes he halfheartedly apologizes, sometimes he tells me he means everything he says, all the time he finds a way to twist a situation on me as I have "done something to him". It's driving me crazy. This is not fair for me or the children to have to live this way.

As much as I love my husband, he does not seem to want to ever look at himself and his behaviour, and how he is hurting us. Most people want to be well, so why not my husband? Why would he want to continue to hurt his family like this?

I just feel heartbroken, and I feel pretty hopeless about our marriage's longevity right now.

Many thanks for your insight and help,

4support

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/30/2008 11:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry to hear that the prospects for the marriage are looking blue right now, but hang in there for now. Make it clear that your needs for the marriage are that he take better care of himself, that he see his doctor at least once every 6 weeks and get on an up-to date treatment plan. That's a reasonable request, and perfectly normal for bp's.

Best of luck.
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 12/31/2008 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey 4,
I hope things will start looking up soon. I know how miserable it is never knowing what to expect. My wife has had several good days in a row, a little nervousness & some very mild paranoia, but no outbursts or irrational behavior, but like you know that will change soon. I understand, every time it's like a belly flop off the high dive, you can feel it coming, you know it's gonna hurt, there's nothing you can do about it, then SMACK! You're stinging head to toe. After a while you get numb to it, or so you think until it happens again. They just don't understand how the things they do effect us. My wife always tells me that when she starts up, I should just give her a hug & that would stop it. What I keep telling her & she doesn't understand is that it is nearly impossible to give loving affection to somebody who has been going off on you for the past hour & is critical of nearly everything you do. Hopefully this will pass soon & things will cool off with you. I really don't have any magical words that will help you, just remember that as you can see here there are tons us that are in the boat with you. Joining here is one of the best things I have done, it has helped me so much to read about the things that others are going through the same things that you are, I could have written most of these posts myself & I'm sure you feel the same way. Just keep coming here for venting & support & we'll help any way we can.
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