BP husband in denial - pls help

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4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 12/30/2008 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear friends,
 
Is there someone out there who can help me this morning?  I am feeling crushed by my husband's (BP II/ADHD) hurtful behaviour over the past week while he's been at home on vacation with us.  It's like my mind is fuzzy and I can't seem to recover anymore.  There have been 3 separate episodes/incidents where all is well and happy and he has just gone on a hurtful rampage and later rather than apologize he just says "well you've hurt me before too when you've threatened our marriage".  Well who wouldn't finally threaten a marriage when your husband continues to hurt you and your children with his words and behaviour?  I've done everything for this man who I have loved, but at what expense?  He was dx 6 yrs ago and is on meds, but I feel nothing works anymore, and nothing changes with him.  He tries to control everything I do, chastises everything I do, misinterprets and misjudges everything, won't listen, is argumentative and insists he is right, berates things which are important to me, speaks to me horribly in front of our children,...I could go on.  I am a Christian and feel I have been battling for our marriage and to keep our family togetrher for years by myself.  I just can't take it anymore.  I am heartbroken.
 
I try to speak with him about what he is doing when things are calm and it's as if he isn't listening or doesn't care.  He just keeps repeating how "he knows why he feels that way", when things he is saying have never been said or done to him.  He acts as though I deserve his wrath because "I've hurt his feelings before", as if he's justified for doing this to me.  How can any marriage work like this?
 
Just feel at my wits end and exhuasted.  I left a job to go back to school and have 2 little ones.  I don't have any family nearby to help me and don't feel as strong as I once was.  I am praying so hard for strength and guidance and protection for my children.  I can't stand the thought of leaving my husband because of our precious children.  But this is not good for them to see either.
 
I appreciate all of you.  Thank you so much,
 
4support

sadnconfused
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/1/2009 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   

I have been married to my husband for 7 years and have been subjected to constant emotional and verbal abuse. All of what I am reading about people who have a spouse who is bipolar seems to coincide with what I have been experiencing. I have never in my entire life felt so low, worthless, sad, confused, the list goes on. Nothing I do is right, he is always right. I cannot talk to anyone on the phone. I cannot go anywhere or have any visitors without it being a huge conflict to discourage any interaction. I cannot even sign my name, he insists that I redo it the way he believes it should be done if I need to sign anything. Anytime I have tried to discuss matters when he is in a calmer state I risk another huge blow up so I end up not trying to discuss it anymore to protect my two little ones. I am always the one considering how this is impacting on them and he just blows  up and hurts me in ways I could have never imagined someone would do to me. Since I have been married I am constantly feeling like I am walking on eggshells to avoid or prevent a problem so that the kids do not get hurt. I have given up on any happiness, and have been feeling extremely anxious living a life without any comfort whatsoever. I want to run away so badly but cannot bring myself to allow my children to live without my protection from his cold, cruel, insensitive behavior. I want to disappear, change my identity, hide. die anything but life this life. Ofcourse I know I cannot commit suicide, besides I know it is not the right thing to do. I have no way out. I am professional who used to work but now at home to raise the kids. He criticizes every single thing I do. Nothing is good enough. I can do the world for him, but it just doesn't seem to matter. It's all about him and his feelings. Always angry outburts which he refuses to let me help to calm the situation. If I do not join him in whatever he is angry about he accuses me of not being on his side. I never know what to say--either way I am always wrong.

So my question is does this sound like a bipolar person? He has never been diagnosed and refuses to ever entertain the idea of going to a therapist. I have no evidence of any psychotic behavior ie, hallucinations auditory/visual but he did accused me once of killing his brother whom I never met as he passed away before we met and got married. It is relevant to mention that my husband spends an extraordinary amount of time away from me at his apartment he used to have before we got married hence I can only go on behavior when he is with me. I am also not suspicious of him being unfaithful as was suggested by others because of his behavior and being away so much. When I confronted him on that accusation he made in the past during an outburst on the phone with me he just ignores me and does not even comment on it. It's almost as I he has not idea what I am talking about. I cannot engage him in any conversation that would possibly explore resolution to our problems. I have no idea what to do. I have never experienced this---never been such a nervous person, depressed person. Most of my life was spent working on trying to cope with whatever difficuties I may encounter but by either avoiding negative people, or trying to help them the best way I could. Now I have no way of avoiding the man I am married to and have children with and I cannot help him because he thinks something is wrong with me and nothing is wrong with him while he destroys me to the point where I feel I do not want to go on anymore.---

There is so much more that keeps me trapped in this situation including my fears of a worse outcome if I leave. I am convinced that if I leave the problem I am experiencing now will only get worsened as it is impossible to not communicate when you have children. Even when he is not present with me he makes my life so difficult by constantly calling me and disturbing me mentally and emotionally with his angry outburts, or attacking me verbally about something insignificant.


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 1/1/2009 10:25 PM (GMT -7)   

4 support...I am sorry you are going through this.  One thing you must keep in mind is that you, as the non-bipolar spouse need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and also making sure your children are not being subjected to maltreatment.  Your husband seems to be using bipolr as a way to excuse unexcusable behavior.  I am bipolar, and yes bipolar does make me in a way not able to control some of the things I say or the way I act...but it doesn't excuse it.  Yes, as a bipolar spouse you do have to start living your life knowing that some of the things your husband does is not "him" but "bipolar" talking...and should not be taken to heart....and there are other spouses on this board that can better help tell you how to get to that place.....but I take full responsibility for my actions, as should your husband.  Maybe he should speak to his md about some new medicine.  Does he have a therapist or pdoc?  He should be doing everything possible to make things as good as can be for all of you.

 

sadandconfused...I am in  no way a therapist but what you describe sounds like not so much bipolar as it is a more of an abusive/domineering situation.  Although a lot of his "symptoms" are also those of bipolar, there is a lot that is not.  You would really need a diagnosis from a psych.  It looks to me that you need to instead concentrate on getting yourself and kids out of an unhealthy situation.   Although I personally know none, I am sure others on here may know of organizations that can assist you...even just with annonymous opinions, since you seem to be scared.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/1/2009 10:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Sadandconfused,

Welcome to HealingWell. I agree with mommy.michele. While your husband could be bipolar, the description you provide doesn't really sound that way. He just sounds abusive. It's time for you to think about how to get yourself out of such a toxic situation. Get YOURSELF a therapist who can help you through the transition, who can inform you about women's shelters and support groups.

Good luck to you,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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