I'm new and looking for some guidance?

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BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 12/30/2008 2:48 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband hasn't officially been diagnosed, but my sister has BD and he's taken several online tests to explain his erratic behaviour and depressive states and we're certain he has SOME kind of mental illness (an psychiatric intake worker confirmed this much).
He told me that he doesn't love me anymore and we have 2 small kids. Is this common before someone is diagnosed to not have feelings for a spouse?  He's had a lot of drinking/drug relapses and is looking at going into treatment. But he keeps saying it like he needs to remind me that he doesn't love me.
confused  
I'm willing to go through this with him as long as he's seeking treatment and wanting help and he hasn't physically left me and the kids but it's so confusing. He keeps saying "well, I haven't left yet, doesn't that tell you anything?" and then tells me another day or days later that he doesn't love me anymore and he should move out, get his own place so that our 1 yr separation b/f divorce can start.  I know he's not going anywhere anytime soon. He doesn't even look for places to move to and has never packed his bags. The one time I packed his bags for him, he didn't want to leave......
skull   It's so confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tyno3
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Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 12/30/2008 4:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Try to step into his shoes for a bit. Imagine you're in the process of finding out you have a lifelong sentence of not being in control of your emotions.You have a spouse and two children, whom you love very much, however you believe you will make them miserable just by sticking around. It;s completely out of his control except that he and you can know for certain, it;s going to be a rough and rocky road you'll be embarking on. Personally, I tormented and tortured my husband for five years and then set him up with an old girlfriend for New Years eve,It worked. He moved in with her. You see, as the BP in the relationship you (him, me) have a great responsibility to try and not hurt too many people along the way. We don't have control of our reactions and keep messing up. Allso, sometimes it's easier to be the rejector than the rejectee, if you follow. He leaves before you've had enough and ask him to leave.
This love stuff is very convoluted and confusing. I pretty much gave up, too much pain, all around me. I cannot counsel you. I can only try to tell it from the other side.
Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
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4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 12/30/2008 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tyno,

Your insight is very helpful. My husband is BP II/ADHD and I have a few questions I am hoping you can help me with. Is it common for the person suffering with BP to blame their own hurtful behaviour and comments on their spouse? Are you saying that this is uncontrollable? Because I was thinking that therapy helps one learn how to control some of the emotions that so often seem to spiral out of control. When things calm and I try to talk with my husband about why he says certain hurtful things, or how he can say them, is this just a waste of time and energy on my part? Am I just making him feel guilty when what I'm really trying to do is share with him how we can makes things better, if he would just understand. I am trying to help him see what he is doing that keeps causing the neverending cycle of hurt and pain. Do you have any advice on how to talk with him? My husband also makes up things that he thinks are said or done to him, and no one that I know enjoys being falsely accused or misjudged or misperceived, etc...is this something that will never go away? Can you please help me understand this? We have a beautiful family and I love my husband very much and I don't think he is hurting us deliberately at all, but at some point we are all responsible for our own actions and words.

Thank you so much,

4support

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/30/2008 10:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi 4support,

You are struggling to understand the position your husband is in and how to discuss his behaviors with him. It's important to understand that no, these behaviors probably won't go away and they are largely uncontrollable. He is responsible for his own behavior and you absolutely should share your concerns with him, but you have to do it in a way that makes clear that you understand he's not trying to hurt you, accuse him of anything, don't blame him, and just want him to get better. He's only going to get defensive if you push him up against the wall with accusations about behavior he can't really control and certainly wishes he didn't have. It is NO FUN to have these terrible mood swings and unpredictable behavior.

I definitely think therapy for both of you would help a lot. He could use it to help him learn how to control him emotional swings a little better and to express his emotions more appropriately. You could use it to have an outlet for your frustrations and to get some professional advice on how to proceed with your relationship and make your home more peaceful. Plus it would make you feel better to have someone to talk to who would really understand how you're feeling and what you're going through. Besides us that is.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 12/30/2008 11:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Serafena,

OK, let's say I change the way I talk with my husband about his hurtful rants toward me. Even when he is saying things that are untrue, irrational or distorted, he keeps telling me that...he means them, he knows why he feels that way, no one is going to tell him how to feel, he is right, I am wrong, etc...I am in a flurry of emotional feeling in response wondering...why would he say those things to me? How can he be so hurtful? Why is he making up things that I am not doing or saying to him? Later on, he either refuses to talk about the incidents, expects things to go on as though nothing happened, expects me to forget and not be hurt, blames his own behaviour on me, or justifies some reason for his behaviour, which is also hurtful. He chastises me when I even mention that he may want to speak with his therapist, or that I don't think he is acting as himself - he is defensive with everything. Rather than look at me as a well meaning wife, he tells me I am 'labeling' him, 'always using his therapy as a crutch', 'trying to find something wrong with him that isn't'. He just doesn't seem receptive one way or another. I just feel as though I'm in a Catch-22.

We have seen 3 marriage counselors in the past, and the first one was great. But my husband accused the therapist of "siding with me" and being "my YES man", rather than look inward at himself as the therapist was asking him to do. He seems to find fault with everyone who tries to help. He is a very difficult man. Nevertheless, I will see if I can get him to see another therapist with me. I definetely need to see one on my own too, I am beginning to feel depressed everytime there is an incident, I just feel horrible and can hardly recover.

Many thanks again for your insight,

4support

grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/31/2008 3:28 AM (GMT -7)   
HI!  All,
 
       I just wanted to let you all know that their is always hope!!  I've just found out that I have BP ll....It's pretty bad, I say things espicaly to my husband and grown baby girl thats married 19 and has her own baby to take care of ......I've got a lotof other medical problems as well....like fibromyaliga,high blood pressure DEPRESSION and several others , as you can see my house isn't always filled with roses......I AM IN THEARPY AND ON MEDICATION NOW AND THEIR IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.....My entire family plus my church have been behind in a very possitive way......hang in their and get thearpy and medications and i promise things will eventualy will all work out!

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 12/31/2008 2:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Um, hello? Hi... ya, sorry to sound rude, but I'm curious about my original question?
 
Is it normal for him to tell me he doesn't love me?  I want to tell him to leave but i'm afraid to be alone.  But if he really doesn't love me then it will make it easier....i guess i don't want to push him away if what he's feeling isn't true right now...???

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 12/31/2008 4:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi BD spouse,

Well, I can say that my husband has said horrible and cruel things to me when he's not doing well, including that he doesn't love me, and then retracted everything when he's doing well and things are back to great. So I wouldn't listen too much to the hurtful things he is saying if he is imbalanced at the moment. It's the hardest thing in the world to do. It just seems that everything is different when the medications aren't helping to balance the person.

A separation may be the best thing for a while, I know I've considered this a million times with my husband.
But it's a very personal choice.

God Bless,

4support

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/1/2009 9:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey BD,
I can tell you this from my experience, as I'm sure a lot of others can too. Yes that is pretty typical for them to say those things to you. My wife has said things to me as well as others that are just unimaginable. I've heard it all. Her mother (who has been on dialasys for 6 years, almost completely blind & waiting on a kidney transplant) was told the other day that she(my wife) wishes that she (her mother) would go ahead & die so she would be out of our house (her mother has lived with us since Oct when my wifes father died). A couple of weeks ago I took my wife to the E.R. because she had been threatening killing herself all day. This made her mad beyond belief, because she was just playing one of her games, not expecting me to react like that. Anyway, at the E.R. she told me she hopes I got a job as a cop(I had applied a few weeks before that) so maybe some crackhead would blow my head off. So as you can see, yes they can say some things that will just floor you. The trick is to realize that this is not them, but their condition & to stay calm. I know it's is next to impossible to do sometimes, but you can do it. Sadly, you have to detatch yourself emotionally when they get like this, otherwise you won't make it through.

Best of wishes to you
Rocket

Best of wishes to you
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/1/2009 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi BD_Spouse,

I think the others have the right answer for you-- if you have a husband in the middle of an episode who is saying very unpredictable and uncharacteristic things, I wouldn't believe him. On the other hand, you can't live your life waiting for him to get treatment. He needs to agree to see a PSYCHIATRIST and get a real evaluation and on a legitimate treatment program. Until he does that, your life will be in this painful limbo while you wait to see what hateful thing he says next. That's not fair to ask of anyone. So, you have some decisions to make...

Best of luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/1/2009 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Grandmahas8babies,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. It's good to hear that your treatment plan has made a good difference for you. We always love to hear those positive stories. Thanks for joining.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/1/2009 6:09 PM (GMT -7)   

BD SPOUSE HELLO!!!!

THIS IS MY 2ND MARRIAGE AND I WAS ALSO SCARED TO DEATH TO LEAVE BEING A STAY AT HOME MOM AND MOST OF ALL NO MONEY AND I THOUGHT I HAD TO HAVE HELP RAISING MY KIDS......WELL AS IT'S ALL TURNED OUT IT'S THE BEST MOVE FOR ME AND ALSO MY FAMILY.....MY 2ND HUSBAND ADOPTED MY 2 CHILDREN AND THINGS ARE GOING GREAT IN THAT WAY.....BUT IT HAS CAUSED AT TIMES A LOT OF STRAIN IN OUR MARRIAGE DUE TO ALL OF MY ILLNESSES.  BUT THANK GOD HE'S STUCK WIH ME CUZ' I'VE SAID AND DONE SOME REALLY MEAN THINGS DUE TO MY BIPLOAR AND FIBROMYALIGA AS WELL MANY OTHER HEALTH PROBLEMS......GOD BLESS YOU,  FOLLOW YOUR HEART......LINDA     AND ALSO MY 1ST HUSBAND WAS STEPPING OUT FOR SOMETIME BEFORE i LEFT......AS THEY SAY LOVE IS BLIND AND I JUST COULDN'T ADMIT IT TO MYSELF!!   BUT AS I SAID BEFORE GOD BLESSED US


grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/1/2009 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
cool      SERAFENA,
 
     THANK YOU FOR YOUR HEART WARMING WELCOME!!  I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE OR SOME SUPPORT GROUP FOR AGES.....I'M NOT COMPUTER SAVY AT ALL!!  BEFORE THIS 1ST PART OF THIS WEEK ALL I COULD DO WAS CHECK MY E-MAIL AND IF I DID THAT CORRECTLY IT WAS A BIG PLUS FOR THE DAY.   SO IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG ......ANYTHING AT ALL.....AND I TRULY MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL......PLEASE....PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW...GOD BLESS YOU AND I HOPE 2009 IS THE BEST YEAR YOU'VE EVER HAD......LINDA

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/1/2009 10:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Linda -- You're not going to do anything wrong. But if you could not write in all caps, that would be great. It means you're yelling, and I don't think you're yelling. :-)

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/2/2009 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   

 

Serrafena,

 

     Good morning and thank you for the info!!!  I honestly didn't know that, but thanks again too you I do now.  Can you please tell me if I capitalize the 1st word of a sentence and the letter I is that wrong????     Thank you so much for your help cuz' I truly wasn't yelling I just thought it was easier for us people who have some sort of degree reading the small print....Please have a great and wonderful day.     God bless you,   Linda  


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/2/2009 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
No -- Normal typing is fine. Thanks. Capitalize normally please, or all small is even fine. All Caps is harder to read. Thanks.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/2/2009 11:29 AM (GMT -7)   
serfena,
 
     i'll do my best to do thing right but please tell me if i'm doing something wrong  you will not upset me at all......thanks  linda

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/4/2009 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you for the insight.  My husband has been unofficially diagnosed with BD, but his pshychiatrist needs time to figure out what type (?) he has. I or II.

I'm really trying to cope with the ups and downs - if it's this hard on me, I can only imagine what he is going through.  Since writing that, things aren't perfect but at lease we are able to laugh with each other again.  So, I guess he's on an "up" now???  Sighhhhh


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/4/2009 7:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Good luck to you BD. You're over the hump, so to speak. Now you know what you're dealing with, and as long as he agrees to the treatment and makes an effort to stay healthy, things will get better.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/4/2009 9:35 PM (GMT -7)   

Serafena, 

Is their anyway that you can make my family understand at least to some degree that I honestly don't mean to just pop off like I do and espically my husband and kids?    Thanks Linda

Prayers would be greatful for my family and also myself!!!     Thank you again   and luv-ins and hug-ins   


grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/4/2009 9:40 PM (GMT -7)   

 

BD,   

 

     I f it's ok my prayers are with you and your family, God bless you.....If I imposed on your beleifs I'm truly and very heartfelt "sorry"      luv-ins and hug-ins     Linda


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/5/2009 10:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Grandma,

You have a couple of options,

Try getting someone -- your husband or partner for example -- to come to the psych with you and have the psych explain to them how difficult it is for you to control your moods and behaviors at times. Have them explain what exactly what the meds do and why they don't work perfectly. This is often helpful. Another thing is to try and get them to read some research with you. A great book is "the Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide" by David Miklowitz which is for bipolars and their families. Another is "Loving Someone with Bipolar" by Julie Fast.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/5/2009 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
Serafena,
 
 
     thanks for all your info.....I'll take or more like drag my husband of 17 years yesterday with me when I go back for my med. eval.  because this time I actually get to meet the head dr. in charge.......and thanks also on the books.....I'm sure all your ifo. will alot......luv-ins and hug-ins      grandmahhas8gbabies turn

grandmahhas8gbabies
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/5/2009 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   

 

 

Serafena,   sorry I didn't check for my typing errors  it's info  and  help!!      LORD KNOW I NEED THE  HELP!!  hee hee   grandmahhas8gbabies

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