Manic for months

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falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/3/2009 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all! I am fairly new here -- I read a lot but have only posted a comment here or there. My husband has BPD. I have a few questions for those of you who know this disorder better than I do -- I am especially looking for perspective from those who have BPD.

After years of denial and not being medicated, my husband finally started seeing an old family friend who is a General Practitioner. I credit this doctor for saving his life because he was so depressed he was suicidal. It was very scary!

Anyway, the GP put him on Effexor to get him out of his depression and functioning wholly again. That did the trick, but he kept increasing the dosage which, in turn, created an extremely manic man. Some very bizarre, odd, scary and cruel behaviors started to surface. For 2 months I sent e-mails and called the doctor to let him know what my husband was like at home. The doctor had no idea b/c my husband would go to his appointments and claim he was fine.

Come to find out, this doctor purposely kept him manic for 2 months to be sure that the medication was hitting the proper receptors. He never told me or my husband that was the plan. It all came on like an out-of-control freight train with no warning..........It has pretty much ruined our marriage.

Question #1: Does that sound right? After understanding BP a bit better and reading the symptoms of a manic episode, it scares the daylights out of me what could have happened while he was in this state. What went down was bad enough, but he did not do some of the severely destructive things that can be symptomatic of a manic episode.

Finally, his doctor put him on Depakote as a mood stabilizer....but now his episodes are mixed.

With the help of his family, we have convinced him to see a psychiatrist. He starts on Tuesday.

Question #2: Without the benefit of me telling the psych. what my husband has been acting like, will he be able to see through him and realize that he needs his medication adjusted?

We have separated until I get some therapy (starts Tuesday) and he stabilizes. I cannot put my kids in that environment any longer.

Question #3: Would it be a better idea to get him back to the house so that I can participate in his treatment?

Question #4: How long could this episode continue without any change in medication? I was hoping that time apart may be the best thing......perhaps the manic state would pass and we could rebuild under the care of a psych. Will it subside without a change in meds? Or is the dosage of Effexor (even with the Depakote) going to keep him pretty much manic?


Thanks in advance for any answers, advice, support you can provide! God Bless You All!

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/3/2009 10:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey falling,
Sorry to hear about what you are going thru right now. I know it can be unbearably hard to be married to someone with this condition. I can't speak for the Doc, but I can tell you this, based on what I have read here & my own experiance, GP docs don't know a whole lot about this condition, It's effects & traits. Unfortunatly you have found out what these are. Going to see a psych doc will help quite a bit & I am sure the psych will want him to do counseling as well. Be prepared for more of the same though as far as the "I'm fine" goes. After he gets more comfortable with going try to go with him so you can help advise the doc on his symptoms/behavior. I am sorry you guys are seperated for now, but you know your situation & what is best for you & your kids, but this is very common for a relationship where there is a BP person involved (I think I read somewhere an %80 divorce rate). Sadly, nobody knows how long his manic episodes will last, everyone is different, I know with my wife, hers will last 2-3 months, & when she is manic it's not very severe, just very different from her usual behavior, as she has more depression then anything. Finally If he continues the suicidal talking & thinking then you have to let them know about it, If he makes an attempt then 911.
I hope I have been a little helpful anyway. Don't be shy around here, we are all here for each other & will help any way we can.

Rocket
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/3/2009 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi falling apart,

With the knowledge that everyone is different and I'm no doctor or counselor, let me try and address your questions:

1. Anti-depressants can bring about mania in bipolars, so yes, that definitely sounds right. Putting him on the mood stabilizer should have helped, but either he isn't on one that's effective for him, or he needs the dosages of his meds adjusted.

2. It's impossible to know what the doc will see. Most docs know that bipolars will lie about their condition, but that doesn't mean that the doc will act on it. Technically the doc can only discuss your husband's condition with you if he allows it, so ask your husband if you can go along. That's something a lot of people have arranged.

3. I totally cannot answer this one. You probably want to wait and see what happens. Are you more invested in getting him healthy/staying in the marriage, or keeping the kids out of the toxic environment? Because I have to be blunt, bipolar does not go away and you shouldn't think it does. It gets better, but there will always be episodes. Will he be as bad? I have no idea. But there will be a period of adjustment while he works on getting his meds right, and you have to decide if you want to be around for that. And you have to know you will probably have to do this again in the future.

4. Mania tends to get worse, not to go away. Untreated mania can land you in the hospital. He needs the mood stabilizer to break the cycle.

I'm sorry if my answers aren't the ones you want to hear, I just believe you'd rather know the truth. I wish you the best of luck. Please continue to ask questions and let us know if there's anything we can do for you.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/3/2009 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Serafena and Rocketman!  That is some of the insight I was looking for!

Serafena, if I understand you correctly (knowing that you are not a doctor and that everyone is different), is it safe to assume that if there is no change made to his medication, his manic state will likely worsen or, at best, stay the same, but will not go away? 

If that is what is to be expected, then it would be impossible for us to live under the same roof until something changes.  Even if I channeled Mother Theresa and mustered up every single ounce of compassion I could, I can't take the verbal lashings any more.  The kids cannot witness/be subjected to his behaviors any longer either.  

If he continues his "I am fine" routine to the new psychiatrist, and the psych doesn't see through it, I don't know what will happen.  And since we are separated right now, I seriously doubt he will allow me to participate in his treatment.  But, it won't hurt to ask........

As far as the outcome I am hoping for.........of course I want it ALL!! 

I want him stabilized and back in our life (mine and the kids).  I know that may lead to more of the same later on, but I do love him and with the proper tools (the right meds, counseling, support groups, knowledge) I think we could keep it together.  We have been married for 13 years!!!  That is a huge investment to just let go. 

It's a lot to consider.........One step at a time!  I am anxious to see what Tuesday brings.

Thanks again!


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 1/3/2009 7:09 PM (GMT -7)   

 

   Just remember, he has to "want" it also. I had to hit rock bottom to realize i had issues. LOL and i really "want" to be better. However i ask if i am doing better, and take critisim lightly when i fall short. However my wife is learning that i wont "get over this" and that all i can do is my best and hope for the best.

   It will take two to face this, and if he isnt on board, than there is little or no hope for your marriage. The ball is in his court, he has to want it, and in the absence of that than you have to protect yourself and kids first. 

 Hope this helps. Good luck.  Bill  


falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/3/2009 7:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Happy Bill! 
 
Y'all are great on this forum!  I wish I had y'alls wealth of knowledge and understanding a few years back..... I also wish I had a clue what I was up against back then too. 
 
You are right, he will have to want it too.  Losing his wife and kids hasn't joggled that in his brain yet.  It may never.......my crystal ball in on the fritz again........So, I will wait and see where this goes from here.
 
I am hopeful, but realistic at the same time.  Thanks again!

falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/5/2009 12:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Darn crystal ball!!!! I wish I could have been better prepared for this..........

Call it woman's intuition, but i took a drive to our river camp this morning after I dropped the kids off at school. My husband has been staying there since we separated. I found him there.....with his assistant. She had spent the night.

I am sick to my stomach thinking about it all.

He blames me for abandoning him (I told him that until we got the tools to live together without damaging our kids, he should stay at the river house. I have an appointment tomorrow, his he postponed until Thursday). He has every excuse in the book to justify his behavior.

I hate to say it, but i give up. I cannot continue with this any longer. I cannot save him from himself........ It is way too painful.

My last question is this: If by some miracle his new pdoc sees through his "I'm fine" routine and changes his meds and gets him stabilized, will he have any remorse for his behavior? Will he want to repair our relationship? Will he want to come back to me (wife of 13 years) and his 3 children (ages 8, 10, 11)? Or will he always resent me and blame me for everything?

I know everyone is different, but is that common in BPD? Once a person is on the right medication and stabilized, are they able to look back and want to make amends? I just don't know what to expect anymore.......everything is spiraling out of control. I never in a million years I thought I would be in this situation........I am so heartbroken and sick
shakehead

pandalover
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/5/2009 11:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Falling apart
I feel for you and those on the other side of the BP. I almost through away my 28yrs of marriage being on a the manic side of BP. Through it all I realized I have to accept and love myself before I can give love or receive love. Then, I recognized that I had hit rock bottom and decided I was going to do what ever it takes to make it through life. I found I can not have my husband always willing to accept "I am fine" routine and he can not always fix things for me. Trying to make everything easier for me. I am forcing myself to stop and ask the "tough questions" and get the "tough answers." Along with that I let my husband know I will problable drive him crazy with the questions. But I have to make sure I completely understand. Everyone is right we do have to hit rock bottom to want to face our illness and accept it. Then, you have to want to survive enough to stay on your meds and get into routines that work for you to keep you healthy. When we are on the manic side of our illness we do do distructive things to ourselves and our loved ones. I know for me I always regreat them when I swing to the depression side. The only thing I can say is we can't have our love ones try to make things easier for us. That just causes us to rely too much on you and not live life to the fullest. Only you and he know if you can make it or not. Whatever you do it won't be easy for him or you.
We do suffer as much if not more than our loved ones know. I wish you the best. And hope this helps you. pandalover

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/6/2009 6:48 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Falling,

I am so sorry for this new turn your relationship has taken. I really don't know what to say. With my wife and I we have always held fast & agreed that there are 2 dealbreakers in our relationship. Cheating & substance abuse. With him being in the state he is in, & what you are saying, he is using the fact that you guys are seperated to justify his behavior. I haven't been in this particular situation, but close. Last year my wife had it in her head that I was cheating on her. She had it so much in her head that she had an online "affair" with an old friend. Nothing really major, just some pretty raw talking back and forth, & sending him some pictures (from the neck down) of her in tight T-shirts. That is all that really materialized from it, but if he wasn't 60 miles away, who knows what would have happened. She didn't really cross the line, but she sure was on it. She knows she was wrong & has very little contact with him now, as he knows she got caught & she knows I don't approve of their frindship. I'm not going to tell her who her friends can be, but at the same time, she has realized how she would have felt if things were reversed. Anyway, my point was, for the longest time she justified this by saying that she thought I was cheating on her(I wasn't). You know what your situation is better than anyone else, but If he gets by with this, then it will happen again. I wish nothing but the best for you and your kids in dealing with all this & you have some really tough choices ahead of you. Just remember that we are always here.

Rocket

 


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/6/2009 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Rocketman......It is SOOOOOOOOO sad! I am going for my first counseling appointment today -- 54 minutes from now! So I hope the healing can begin. I just don't know what I want the outcome of this to be. I have always been able to count on my husband to be faithful, even when things were rocky. The problems we had were so fixable, and I really felt that with the help of this forum, my counseling, the new knowledge I have gained about his disorder, his counseling, and marriage counseling, we could have made it work for our children. I don't know what to tell them now.........

I am so heartbroken cry We have been married for 13 years. It is just not fair!

Thanks for listening!

Mel

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/6/2009 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Falling Apart,

I'm so sorry to hear of this. I'm so glad you're seeing a counselor. Don't let him fool you into believing this was your fault because it was not. His behavior is his and his alone. Let him have the responsibility for it -- bp or not. Don't make excuses for him.

Wishing you well,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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