How can I get thru to my BP husband?

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4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/5/2009 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear friends,
 
I am especially hoping to hear from those of you who suffer with BP so I can hopefully get some advice on how I will ever be able to get thru to my husband how I feel.
 
Whenever he out of the blue goes on his hurtful rants toward me, as hard as I try, it still cuts.  I end up feeling hurt and confused and not knowing what he means or doesn't mean with his words.  He never wants to talk about what has happened afterwards, to explain or even understand how hurt I am.  It seems he just wants things to go on as if nothing has occurred.  He really can't stand it if I ever tell him something has hurt my feelings.  This is not a solution.  It is so easy to diffuse a conflict if someone will just talk to you or apologize.
 
It's gotten to the point now where I will end up hurt and angry and it may last for days.  It's uncomfortable for me, but it's how I feel.  I just have a hard time recovering, and I always seem to start questioning the marriage and how much I can tolerate.  Our children can no doubt sense the hostility between us, and it's not good for everyone.  I feel that I cannot recover faster because he refuses to talk with me about the situation, and he continues to be hurtful when things are going great.  I understand sometimes it is hard to control things when BP is in the mix, but he has gone to therapy to help, and it would help a lot more if after he has calmed down, he talk to me about it and apologize.
 
What's driving me crazy...is that now he no longer wants to focus on his own behaviour and what he does that hurts.  The whole topic of conversation is now - what is my problem?  Why can't I deal?  Why can't I recover?  Why do I go on hurt and angry for days?  That I need help, etc...
 
Well, I am not a ROBOT!  I need love and support and understanding and compassion too.  I know why I feel this way, and he's trying to turn it into me being the one with the problem.  The truth is...I do have a problem, but I can't fix it without him doing his part!
 
Why can't he see what he is doing and understand the affects it's having on me?  Why does he keep shifting the focus off what I am upset about and blaming everything on my reactions to HIS behaviour?  How can I talk to him and make him understand this?
 
Please help!
 
Many thanks,
 
4support
 
 

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/5/2009 6:21 PM (GMT -7)   
4support,

I really, really think the two of you could use some marriage counseling, because you're getting into territory that has little to do with the bp and more to do with your styles of communicating. My guess is even without the bp he would act that way about conflict, and you'd still be just as frustrated and angry. The bp only means it happens more often. What I like to say is that bp doesn't change our personalities, it just turns them up or down. My psych told me that once. So he's being more stubborn than ordinary, but I think he'd probably still have that problem regardless of the bp.

You're absolutely right that you need love, support, understanding and compassion too. Which is why I think you need to see a therapist. You really could use the help sorting through this mess that your husband's bp has you in. You're going in 4 directions at once, blaming him for everything, he's blaming you, the kids are caught in the middle. It's only gonna get uglier. Try and talk him into getting help.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/5/2009 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Serafena,

I began seeing a new therapist before the holidays and have another appt tomorrow.

I will try to encourage my husband to go to marriage counseling with me, the last 2 that we've seen he always seems to find fault with. The minute they agree with me, or try to help him look at some of his own issues, he accuses them of "siding with me" and refuses to go back. It's frustrating at the least because I thought the mutual goal was for us to make things better. I don't see how things will improve if he is not willing to look at himself as well.

Yes, he is stubborn by nature. I think you are right, that some of this is outside of the BP. What I fear is that his father was a very stubborn man who was always right, no matter what. If you debated him, you would surely hear about how you were wrong. I have hoped and prayed that my husband would not take that path.

As I'm sure it's obvious from my posts, I am just pulling my hair out. I would do anything to wave a magic wand and make everything OK again. I'm sure I'm one of millions who feel that way. It's just hard to erase everything and start over.

More later...

Blessings,

4support

Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/5/2009 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone. I have been reading your postings for a few days now and 4Support's latest posting could have been written by me, which is why I am now writing this bit.

This winter break has been the worst ever. I have a husband with bipolar disorder and this past year has been one of the worst. I have experienced everything that you wrote 4Support. Next month is our 10 year anniversary and I can't even see us making it until then.

For years I have ignored his condition because he's been on medication (without ever getting counseling even though I have suggested it a million times) and when he had an episode I ignored it. Well, we now have THREE kids ages 5, 3, 1 and it's getting harder to ignore his episodes when he goes off on me in front of them.

The worst was in August when out of the blue he went off on me screaming and yelling that I am not a good mother, that there is nothing between us except these three kids and bla bla bla bla bla. It's like he's taunting me to see how much more I can tolerate before I ask HIM for a DIVORCE!!! I am most certainly NOT going to ask him for a divorce and I have asked him to go to counseling with me and he will not. He says he doesn't want to go talk about all this with anyone. If I can't deal with the fact that there is nothing emotional between us, it's my problem.

Well, I have an appt on Thursday to see a therapist. I'm presenting this to him tonight. Anyone have ideas on how I should go about presenting this to him and basically asking him to come with me? I should have done this years ago. I don't want my marriage to end. I want my family to stay together, but we are soooooooooooo far gone that I don't know how to fix it.

I have been such a passive wife. We are in such a HUGE financial mess because instead of setting limits to this man's spending and in order to avoid a fight, I let him squander our money!!! I am so angry at myself for this.

Thank you for reading,
Whyus

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/5/2009 10:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, can I ever relate!
My husband keeps telling me that he doesn't love me and what's the use in marriage counselling when he doesn't love me and why can't I get it through my head that it's not going to work, blah blah blah.
I get blank stares when I want to be intimate and empty hugs. I'm starving for real attention but i'd never cheat on him. I feel so lonely and desperate for affection... a hug, a REAL hug with feelings behind it.
I love him to death and feel like he's pushing me away...well, it's working to a degree. I am committed to him and helping him through this but I just wish he'd show me just a little love back of what I give him. He's so darn selfish. It's always about HIM - well what about ME? Why doesn't anyone care if MY needs are being met? Who cares about the wife. For better or worse, right? I'm so upset and confused. I love him so much but he just hurts me all the time with no regard for how i'm feeling. He doesn't even sleep in bed with me. Hasn't for a long time now. It's so lonely in the bed alone.

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/6/2009 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey 4,
Add me to the list. It seems to be a recurring theme with the spouces. I don't know why they can't understand that it is so hard to be a loving, doting, affectionate spouce all the time. Although we try to let the things they say & do roll off of us, a part of it stays with you. Then you have the issue of their ever changing needs. You never know what the right thing to do or say is, beause if it was good the other day, today it may be different. I am always hearing that I don't love her like I used to, in her mind I am still supposed to be gaga & think everything she does is wonderful. I don't know why, but it seems they just an't comprehend that the things they do and say does have a lasting effect on us & the relationship, and there is only so much of it you can listen to. As for your magic wand, if you find one let us know where we an pick one up & if it's the only one, then maybe we can mail it around to each other! Like I have told my wife before, it would be great if John Coffee form The Green Mile would come around & suck this desease out of her. Anyway hope I was a little helpful. Remember, you got a lot of folks here in the boat with you & we will hel as much as we can.

"Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will break your heart." - Robert Fulghume

Hope you have a great day
Rocket
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/6/2009 9:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi BD_Spouse and Rocket and 4Support. I'm so glad that I am really not the only one feeling like I have been feeling. It's sad though. BD_Spouse, you describe my husband exactly. Blank stares if I initiate intimacy and empty hugs are what I get from my husband as well. But when he's in the mood to be intimate, I take it. I am also starving for affection, but would never cheat on him.

I have told him that the way he treats me is how our one year old daughter is going to expect men to treat her and our sons are going to think that that's the way to treat women!!! But I always get, "well what about my needs?" This whole marriage has been about HIS needs!!! I probably should have left well before we had THREE kids!!! BUT I LOVE HIM!!!! He asks me why I love him. I guess I shouldn't love him, but I do.

I have a masters degree, I make great money (which he has mismanaged and got us into MAJOR debt!!!) and I deserve better than he's given me and still I stayed. Still I stayed and had THREE kids with him because I love him.

He hasn't slept in our bed for three years!!!! First the excuse was that since our two boys weren't sleeping through the night one would sleep with one and one would sleep with the other. Then the baby came along and she sleeps in the bed with me and he either sleeps in the boys' room or the spare room. Is this typical of BD people? They want no intimacy? And I just let it all happen. What an idiot I have been!!!

This morning I am not sure that I want to ask him to come to counseling with me. Perhaps I should just go by myself first. How do you all deal with all this? Is there a certain way to talk to BD spouses? A code language? That's what I'm hoping to get from the therapist. The tools to be able to deal with my husband.

falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/6/2009 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
It still amazes me how similar our stories are. But I have detected one major difference...........My BP husband's behavior toward me has killed MY sex drive.....has made ME not want to be affectionate toward him. It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. He claimed I did not care enough, do enough, wasn't a good enough wife so much that that is who I became.

I still love him and wish we could get back on track, but he has taken up with his assistant now. That thought just turns my stomach to the point of puking. And, now it has me soooo angry and hurt, I am becoming irrational myself. I feel like I am losing it!

I just want this (the marriage) to be over with and done so that I can be happy again. I just don't know how I am supposed to foster any good will toward him for our kids sake. I hope my therapist can get me there eventually.

Thanks for listening.

cry

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/6/2009 10:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Whyus,

Welcome to the bipolar board and to HealingWell.

I'm sorry to hear that you, like so many other spouses on this board are suffering with a bp spouse who refuses to take responsibility for his disorder and his actions. Let me assure you that not all bipolars are like that. Many, many of us work very hard at managing our symptoms and maintaining good relationships with our spouses and families. Unfortunately, you've found one who doesn't.

You said he's on medication, but unwilling to see a counselor. I agree with you that you should keep the counselor all to yourself for now. I think you need the support he's not giving you. Learn how to take care of yourself, be a little less passive, and stand up to his rudeness. If you took him along, he'd just sour the experience, and you need it right now.

When was the last time he saw a psych? Medications have to be adjusted periodically, and it could be that he's not on a dosage or even a medication which is effective for him.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/6/2009 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Whyus,
you can see that alot of us go through the same stuff that you do. Seems to be that BPs (no offence meant to those who have it) are the center of their own universe & nothing else really matters. I don't know how many times I have fought that fight. It usually ends up the same, me being told that I'm the selfish one and all I care about is myself, etc. etc. etc.. My wife will often ask me why I never try to initiate sex with her(whih isn't true), but doesn't understand that after you either get rejected, told to "hurry up & get this **** over with", or do it & have to listen about how much they don't like to do it afterwards, it kinda makes you not want to anymore. There was one morning after I took our son to school, I came home & got into bed with her & she had no pants on (something she NEVER does), I figured that was a huge green light, so when I started things up I was told "quit trying to molest me, I'm trying to sleep." I have the attitude now of I'm here for you when you want to, but that is rare. She only seems to get in the mood when we can't for some reason or another. But there are the other things besides the actual sex stuff that I miss too. Any kind of hug, back scratch, shoulder, foot or leg massage, has to be asked for & usually doesn't last long.

I know it's probably a little wierd for a man to say all that stuff. Most men would probably just cheat to get their jollies, or spend all their time looking at **** & stuff (you know, the things I am onstantly accused but never guilty of), but I consider myself to be at least semi-intelligent & can see past the end of my johnson. There are a few other men on here going through this same thing, but not very many, not too manly of a thing to do I guess, but I can honestly say that coming here has helped me tremendously in dealing with this disorder.

Rocket
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/6/2009 1:00 PM (GMT -7)   
you all have no idea (or maybe you do) how comforting it is to know that i'm not alone... and i'm sorry it sounds selfish, but i'm glad i'm not alone. 
falling apart - i'm so sorry to hear that your husband has taken up with his assistant... that in itself is probably why you do not want to be intimate with him.  i know that if my husband ever cheated we'd be over - no matter how much i love him. And i can understand why you want to leave.
whyus- when my husband so much as hints he wants to be intimate i take it.  i hate it because we used to have such an active sex life and intimacy, hugs and kisses were not spared for a second.  We openly kissed, hugged, just touched each other (not necessarily for sex) on a regular basis... and now, sometimes if his hand skims mine on the couch he pulls back quickly as if he touched a hot stove.
he said in our marriage counselling that he doesn't want to give me the wrong idea... ***?
Then the other day my hand accidentally skimmed HIS on the couch and i pulled away and he looked at me like he was annoyed and said "i'm not gonna bite"............HUH?
So I put my hand back and after about 1 minute he pulled away and sat at the other end of the couch....
 
GAH..........sorry this is turning into a rant but i'm so frustrated!

Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/6/2009 2:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all my fellow sad spouses. Serafena, he found a GP who could refill his perscriptions and therefore no longer goes to the psychiatrist for even a 10 minute visit which was required in order to refill his meds. When I asked him if he's been taking his meds lately, he told me he's been taking them every other day. When he starts to do that is when he starts to flip out on me. He also does it so his sex drive can exist and we can be intimate. At this point, I don't even care about the sex although I am dying every waking minute to feel his touch. What would be a good way to bring up the fact that it is obvious his meds need adjusting?

Hey Rocket: Thanks for sharing! Like BD_Spouse said, it is good to know that there are other people out there just as miserable as I am. Sorry for the way I put it. Sexually, I have done so much for this man!!! I am not afraid of trying "new things" with him. Whatever he wants in bed, I give to him. Still, no affection outside of that.

Falling Apart: I'm sorry for what you are going through. I cannot even imagine how you are feeling. Sorry.

BD_Spouse: I think we need to rant sometimes, don't you?
I am a 34 year old woman married to a bipolar man.  2009 will be 10 year anniversary.  Three small children.  Seeking therapy for myself- finally.  Desperately want to keep my family together and save my marriage.  Husband doesn't want to go to marriage counseling.  Looking for support from other people with bipolar spouses.  Thanks.


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/6/2009 2:58 PM (GMT -7)   

WOW!  I just arrived home to check to see if I had any responses and I am so thankful!  Although I never wish anyone suffering of course, but it is so comforting to see I am definetely NOT alone!  Because sometimes it really feels like it, ya know?

I have to leave again for a little while, when I come home I'll re-read everyone's comments and have more to say...please check back soon, it helps to keep the communication and support going...maybe we can all take away something which will help us...or better yet, maybe we can give strength to eachother!

One thing I've noticed - everyone on here deeply loves their BP spouse.  For me the question is:  When does it become unhealthy mentally and spiritually to keep fighting for the marriage when the hurt continues?  I feel like I'm on a swing, I mean - one minute I want to jump in with both feet and keep trying to make it work, and the next I'm questioning everything, feeling horribly, dreaming about having a predictable husband who doesn't mistreat me, and ready to walk out!  It's like I can't live with him and don't want to imagine living without him.

I am going to see my old therapist tomorrow (have to drive a bit to see him but it's well worth it), because after my 2nd session with a new therapist today, I realized she is not a strong enough counselor to really help me.  I think it takes an experienced and very assertive counselor to help with some of these major issues.  Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a while to find the right one.

Peace & hugs to you all, more later -

4


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/6/2009 3:49 PM (GMT -7)   
I wonder the same thing... when does it become unhealthy to stay in the relationship?
I, however have just started this journey with my husband so I'll stick it through a while yet - but it would be nice to know where that line is.
well... to answer my own question I guess I need to draw that invisible line and just remember where it is at in those ugly times.
I am afraid for my boys though. They seem to get the brunt of his anger. Especially the last couple days that have been stressful for him and he's really quick to get angry...

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/6/2009 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry you have to make these terrible decisions. I wish I had an answer for you. I only know that no one should be abused, afraid, or suffer in their home. If someone refuses to get help and is abusive (I'm talking verbally, mentally, physically, etc.), then that's a deal-breaker for me. On the other hand, it is one thing to be supportive, it is another thing to enable and be co-dependent. That's why I'm always on about therapy, because it's just too personal a situation and none of us are professionals. What works for one couple may not for another. There are so many factors involved.

All my best,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/6/2009 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,

Well, all of our stories sound familiar in one way or another...

I am still hoping to hear more insight from those who suffer from BP:

- What happens to you when the hurtful stuff is ranted toward your spouse and is it really too hard to control?
- Do you mean all the hurtful things that are said? (I am constantly questioning WHY he said that and HOW he could say it - it's usually so far from the truth and irrational)
- Do you feel remorse afterward? Do you talk to your spouse about it? (maybe this is a personal issue of my hubbies')
- Do you ever blame your spouse for your own behaviour? (My hubbie doesn't seem to recognize his own behaviour while it's going on, I cannot no matter what get him to calm down or stop his hurtfulness - why?)
- Do you realize when the illness is taking over during or after how it has affected your spouse and family?
- Do you allow your spouse to go to therapy sessions and/or doc appts with you? (my husband doesn't & I feel isolated when I am his wife and his biggest support)

What scares me is that my husband seems to find justification for everything - for being hurtful, for withdrawing, for screaming at his family, for his own behaviour, for feeling the way he does, for saying the things he does, etc...He'll never just say - "Hey, you know what, I'm having a hard day and I'm sorry I hurt you." It would be so easy to diffuse.

All my husband wants to do now is focus on why I am hurt and angry. (????) It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see why. He just wants to focus on what MY problem is and ignore all of his problems that have led us to this point.

I sometimes feel he is driving me out of my mind. It seems impossible to hold a normal conversation with him as he acts like a 3-year old most of the time.

I am a professional that has gone back to school for my second round and a career change. I have always loved my husband deeply, probably since the first day I met him. I adore my 2 children, the gifts of a lifetime. I have always loved life, people, been optimistic, independent and strong. I feel like a shred of what I have always been at the moment. I want to feel strong again!

I keep wondering what would happen if I left. Would he try to talk me into staying? Or justify that everything is my fault and let me and our family go.

I'm thinking of all of you and your situations and I pray for PEACE for all of us,

4support

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/6/2009 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the board, Whyus.

Falling, I am soooooo sorry for the pain that you and your family are going through. May you find the strength and comfort that you need to get you through this. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. You will somehow get beyond this one day and surely create a happy, healthy and fulfilling life for yourself and your children.

As often as I have considered leaving my husband, I still ponder if I would have the strength to do it. It's probably the toughest decision you'll ever make.

But Falling, it would make it easier if my husband were cheating on me...because there is no way I could handle that betrayal. You are really left with no choice.

Love,

4support

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/6/2009 7:59 PM (GMT -7)   
4support,

I'll answer, but I REALLY hope others do too. I don't want to speak for all bipolars.

1. I don't rant at my spouse. Occasionally I snap at my spouse, but I usually understand almost as soon as I'm saying it that it's my mood talking not me, and I apologize.
Yes, it is hard to control sometimes. The moods come and go like tidal waves. You cannot stop them. It's like being under water, you can only go with it. Believe me, I would love to just have stable moods. But I can't even rely on myself. I feel anxious even making plans to go to a party, because I never know what kind of mood I'm going to be in that day/that hour. Will I want to go? Will I be too terrible to be around? Or will I be party girl? I never know. It's not fun. Yesterday started out great. I was energetic and got out of the house, got a lot done. But I tired myself out, and by evening I was weeping over nothing. That's a terrible feeling, weeping for no reason, feeling desperately sad for no reason at all, and if I were a different kind of person, I might get angry instead of sad. It's unfair, but that's the way the disorder works. The meds are supposed to stop the mood swings, but I'm on 5!!!! and I'm not stable yet. It's just not that precise a science.

2. I feel remorse instantly, talk to my spouse instantly, beat myself up about it for hours afterward.

3. No, I don't blame my husband for my behavior. That is to say, when I can see what I'm doing. Sometimes, if I'm really upset at him for something he's done, I blame him, but that's any marriage. But as to my moodiness or behavior because of it, I'm aware of it 90% of the time and try not to take it out on him. It's not my fault, how could it be his?

4. I am all too aware of how it affects our family. I probably think about this too much. I'm very concerned about keeping my daughter shielded from any negative fallout from my bipolar.

5. My husband has been to some psych and therapy appts with me, but not all. I need my therapy all to myself so I can be free to say whatever I want. But he's met both and talked with both. He's seen his own therapist as well, when the pressure of dealing with my disorder got too heavy for him. I had a terrible depression last year and he needed some extra support.

Your husband needs to face up to his own actions and behaviors. I believe, as you'll guess from my answers, that a lot of your husband's problems come from him not wanting to face his own disorder and problems. Unless he does that, I too would be thinking of leaving.

I hope for better things for you,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/6/2009 9:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Serafena, your answers help a lot, THANK YOU!!

And...I too would like to hear from others because as I've said before, someone can say just one thing and it can make all the difference...it's like an enlightenment. And we all need to be enlightened to understand the best we possibly can!

You are very honest and aware, and obviously managing this illness is very important to you. This gives me great hope. I keep hoping that if my husband will get in for more therapy, maybe he will one day get it. I just hope it's sooner, rather than later.

Now, my husband says that he tries the 'best he can' to manage the bipolar. He takes medications, sees his doctor, rarely sees his therapy but does go occasionally. Yes, he obviously has a ways to go in recognizing his own behaviour patterns and changing/altering them. He should have more compassion for us, his family, because we are at the brunt of his mood swings, and these are not so easy to just 'get over' anymore. Again, apologizing or any explanation for that matter would go a long way in diffusing and subsequent healing. To be fair, he has gotten better in other ways, but the remaining problem is that he does rant on hurtfully at seemingly small or irrelevant/trivial issues that he will (sorry for the term)..but, go ballistic, about. The result of his rants is a hurt/reeling wife (me), and hurt, sad and confused children (why does Daddy act that way and yell at mommie?). That said, after an accumulation of these episodes over many years, I am now deeply hurt, confused, frustrated and angry. Because of the way I feel, my tolerance level is low and I now typically react to his hurtful rants with anger and threats to the marriage. I'm wondering how would you feel or what would you think if your husband began reacting to you this way? Rather than show me concern or support, my husband seems to relish in telling me how I now have the problem and need help (which I have reached out for, by the way). But he refuses to acknowledge WHY I feel this way, and insists that there could be a million reasons why I'm angry and that I am using him as a 'scapegoat'.

To the other spouses married to BP'ers - I'm just curious how you react when you are unfairly accused or blamed for problems which are not your own, when you are pre-judged and made to feel as though you are causing all the problems in the marriage, or when you are constantly at the receiving end of hurtful or confusing words coming directly from your spouse's mouth? Is it really natural or even possible to just continue to ignore it. I personally don't think so, but God Bless the ones who have mastered that.

Thanks so much for letting me hear from you,

4support

resentfulspouse
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/6/2009 11:23 PM (GMT -7)   
To all: I truly admire your continued devotion to your BP spouses. I wish that I could still see the man I fell in love with in there somewhere, no matter how deeply buried, in the man I live with now.
I care about him, so stay to make sure he is at least able to get meds /pdoc visits (insurance is through me), eat decent food regularly, have a place to live, etc. I also want my daughter to know her father, good and bad. She adores him now and I won't take that away from her unless he becomes a danger to her (so far he's neglected to feed her two meals in a row on a few occasions and tends to doze off instead of supervising her, but she's a pretty smart little kid and lets me know when something doesn't feel right to her).
He has told me over and over and over that he doesn't love me, and I'm just a paycheck to him, and I'm at the point that I've accepted those truths to be self-evident and don't fight it anymore.

4support: re ignoring the comments:
I've found that the best way to handle the episodes is the same way he handles my attempts at rational discussion of any sort - I simply leave the room. If DD is asleep, I grab a novel and go sit on the porch to smoke & read. If she's up, I'll find something to distract her with in another part of the house.

Ignoring the hurtful comments does become easier with time. That doesn't mean the pain lessens, just that once a habit becomes ingrained, it is just that - a behavior you don't have to think about in order to carry out. Eventually, leading separate lives in the same house isn't all that bad as long as you find another outlet for the pain. My outlet is smoking, wine and sappy romance novels, but can't say any of those help, LOL.

Hang in there - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/7/2009 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey 4;

I can tell you with me, sometimes it is easy to let things roll off, & sometimes not so much. With my wife, rarely does she express any remorse or regret for saying the things she does, if anything she tries to reinforce it. She doesn't just cross berriers that you try to establish, she busts through them at full speed.  I don't understand why this is, like I've said before, sometimes she is like dealing with a 12 year old girl, you know, around that age when they get that attitude for a few years.  I totally understand how you feel when you are tempted to just walk away, but you don't. I don't know how many times I have wanated to just get in the car & end up where I end up, but I don't. I know for me I tell myself how much I do love her, that I have made a commitment to her & that she needs me (even though she thinks she doesn't), and she is lucky to have me by her side with this. I know that sounds smug, but I can't imagine anyone else putting up with all this. Although obviously there are plenty of others (like you guys) that do.  

Best wishes to all, hopefully today will be one of those "good days" for all of us!

Rocket 


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/7/2009 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear resentfulspouse,

Thank you for writing. It's good to know that you have found a way an outlet when your husband is being not-so-nice. It sounds like you've found a way to Peace by staying with him, which is admirable and smart.

I really, really appreciate you sharing some advice on how to react when he is having an episode. It must take awhile to learn that kind of control and patience, I am not doing well with it. BUT you are absolutely right, rationalizing with him (or trying to)doesn't work at all and it seems I end up being the one exhausted and upset.

For me, I am struggling with this not feeling like a WHOLE marriage, for example - being able to talk with my husband if I need to, him not controlling his hurtful words, me feeling like I have to detach or ignore his hurtfulness, or "distract" the children from their father's behaviour. I am a person who loves life and sharing it with those I love, I like to get out there and absorb everything I possibly can, and I'm finding that impossible with a man this moody and unpredictable. I feel as though I'm always babysitting his moods, I never know what to expect from one day to the next.

I want to have an open and comfortable relationship with my husband, I don't want to just settle in living separate lives with him. Life is too short! I don't know what the answer is right now, I feel I'm in the struggle of my life - and not only MY life, but our 2 children lives as well. It's a lot of stress.

I wish you and your family all the best,

4

falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/7/2009 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey there 4! You may have just posted the answer you have been searching for yourself. After I read your post, I could almost see the writing on the wall for my own self.

I feel like you and I are living parallel lives!!!!!

Like you, I am a very energetic, active, social person. I love to live life to the fullest.......my husband wants us all to be hermits squirreled up at home paying all of our attention to him. He HATES to attend sporting events, parties, movies, go out to dinner, basically anything that involves people. Yet, when I try to live a "separate life" and continue to do these things with my children, he turns it into not caring about him.

Like you, I am struggling for the answer. Good golly, even his infidelity hasn't sealed the deal for me. I am just so worried and concerned for his well-being that I can't let go. Even if the "D-word" is inevitable, I cannot put him to the task of making life-altering decisions in his current state of mind. He needs his meds adjusted and a LOT of therapy before he will be healthy enough to proceed with a dissolution of our marriage. I don't want to force him to make decisions he will regret later on. He currently says a lot of things he doesn't mean -- or wouldn't mean if he were himself.

I feel very calm today for some reason. I am working with his family to get him into treatment -- serious treatment. Feeling like they are in our corner helps a lot. This forum helps A WHOLE LOT!!!! I also have a rally close friend who grew up with a BP dad. Her mom stayed with him until the DAY she graduated high school. She has a whole other perspective on this issue that helps me a lot.

Hang in there! I am just in such a whirlwind phase of this right now, it is all drama all the time! I feel a change is coming, though......I just have no idea which way this will go!

Y'all are awesome! Hugs hugs hugs!

WAITING...
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/7/2009 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   

 

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do i stay??????????? tell me what makes me stay????????

yes ok ... i LOVE HIM... and we have been together since march 1994 !!!!!!! BUT i cant live like this anymore!!!! and after reading  soooo many of these postings i realized that we are all suffering the same wrath of someones illness yet they dont care or try to do something about their disorder !!!! for goodness sake its something that can take away all the pain and ANGER and tears... not only from them but also from their loved ones and especially their little ones....   i cant do this anymore !!!! i am going to run out of tears and feelings.... YUP ... one day i will be so numb to all this trauma and torture that i will feel NOTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!!  for goodness sake i am a college graduate AND a kick but woman yet he tearsss me DOWN to NOTHING !!!!!!!!! i loose all my power when it comes to HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!! and i am beginning to HATE him for it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant even look at him sometimes !!!!!!!  SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GUIDE HIM AND so we can walk together towards a cure for our hearts, bodies, and lives !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
my daughters are 11 & almost 9...and have cryd because of HIM... yet they want him to stay....i dont want him in my life anymore... NOT if hez going to destroy his life and take us down with him...... but i just dont leave.... i have been gone BUT i am soooooooooooooooooooo stupid that i always go back to him....
 
: (   still crying .....   

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/7/2009 9:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Waiting,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board.

I'm glad you've already found some supportive company in others' posts. Unfortunately there's no easy answer to your questions. You have to ask yourself the hard questions and look to yourself for the answers.

Start a new thread and tell us more about your situation. It feels better just to write about it sometimes.

Oh, and if you could avoid repeating lots of letters and exclamation points, that would be great. It really just makes your post harder to read.

Welcome,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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