One of those days

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Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/7/2009 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Well it's been an adventure. Something minor set the wife off today about 4:30 & we have been fighting ever since (it's 9:00 now). It's run the whole gamut from, how big an jerk I am to I don't treat her the way I should, I was cheating on her, or was going to cheat on her, now I treat her like a child, & sex every once in a while should be enough to be her contribution to the relationship. She had an appointment with her therapist today, she went by herself, she said she had finally told the therapist all of her symptoms (she doesn't want me to know them, which is why I didn't go) & said that the therepist said that things made a little more sense now that she knows the full story. Evidently the therapist & her pdoc(they work hand in hand) have been trying to figure things out with my wife & because of the lack of info couldn't come up with the right path. I think maybe she heard some things in therapy that she didn't like too well & it's getting projected onto me. She just came in a few mins ago & put her ring on the table & told me to pawn it. (she hasn't been wearing it since this weekend beause of the you love my mother more then me blow up). Also I am a jerk because I haven't been begging her to put it back on. I just feel like this is a game she is playing & I am not going to feed the beast so I can have it thrown back at me next time. After she told me to pawn it, she stomped back off into the bedroom, I took the ring back & put it in her jewlry box & told her where it was. She said she would pawn it tomorrow, I told her if she does she better use the money to find somewhere to live, then left the room. I just get so tired of these little episodes that start up about nothing then end up with me being the one with the problem because I finally have had enough & start fighting back. I tried for about an hour to get her to stop, I kept saying, honey I don't want to fight with you, so please calm down, but that always just seems to escalate things.


Here's a question. Do any of you with BP or spouces with it notice that an episode like this will usually happen in the car. She gets very tense when we go into a town with heavy traffic(we live in a small town with not very much) & maybe that helps to trigger things. I hate it beacause we usually have an hour ride back home & that's a long time to be stuck with no escape. Hard to go in the other room when you're doing 75 down the interstate.



Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Rocket


(I edited a few of the spicier statements -- remember we have readers as young as 13 on this board. Thanks -- serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/7/2009 9:31:21 PM (GMT-7)


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/7/2009 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Rocket,
 
Sorry to hear about the fighting, I'm sure you're feeling great right about now. eyes
 
Listen, I could have written your post, like so many others say who are married to BP's who are not managing their illness or not stable.  It's scary, the similarities.  Even the things your wife is saying, my husband says the same stuff.
 
Because I have been upset with him for his hurtful rants over the holidays...I am now the one "who's always wanted to leave him", the one who needs help, the one with the anger/hurt problem, the judgemental one, the one who is "labeling him" (when no one has even said the word BIPOLAR), the one who is "oversensitive", blah blah blah...yep, I get the blame too.  It's getting old, and very exhausting.  It seems no matter what I say or do, it just goes thru one ear and out the other.  I don't know how to get thru to him, reason I posted my last message.  I really wish I would hear more from those who are BP and can help us out.
 
I feel it just goes in circles.......
 
I can't tell you how many times my husband has had an episode where we are trapped in the car with him!  But then again, he's had them at home, over the holidays, on vacation, at the airport, you name it, so the car is probably just another place and nothing out of the ordinary.  The car episodes are definetely the worst, though, because you can't really just walk away.  I have pulled over and let him out of the car before, while he continues to embarrass us with his ranting and then walk off in the middle of somewhere.  It's just ridiculous.
 
Take care of yourself, we're all thinking of you...
 
4

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/7/2009 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry to hear about the awful evening. All I can guess about the car thing is stress and confinement. Stress brings out the worst in bipolars, but that's only if traffic's bad. So I don't know.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/7/2009 9:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Rocket, how well I know your pain!!!!!!

All I can do is sympathize and empathize.....I have no words of wisdom here. However, my mom said something enlightening to my kids today about their fighting. She told my son that when he is in the middle of a fight with his brother or sister, instead of screaming or hitting back, just say "I Love You" and walk away.

If I ever get the chance, I would like to try that with my husband.

But, right now he hates me. This afternoon, I was racked with worry because I had not heard from him since the night before, no one else had heard from him and he did not show up for work. I drove to the river house to see him. He had some sort of reaction in his eye and it was blood red, light sensitive and very painful. This had him bedridden. I pulled a Florence Nightingale, brought him soup and eye drops, made him a warm compress. Then it occurred to me that at 2pm, he was still in bed!!!! Yikes! I asked if he took his medication today - nope. I got out the meds and made sure he took them. Then his assistant (a.k.a. emotional crutch, skanky B****, whatever) called and I went off (on her)! She proceeded to tell me that my husband "didn't want me anymore." We (husband and I) tussled over the phone -- I almost called 9-1-1 -- he told me to leave and never come back, the sight of me pi**** him off, I was a horrible wife, a horrible person, yadda, yadda, yadda.

An hour later, he called and apologized, and reminded me that this was all my fault. Three hours later, he called and told me I needed to decide what I wanted (from our relationship). I told him I have never wavered from what I want: I want him home, our family in tact AFTER he and I both have the time and tools to be better together. I also stipulated that he needs to have some significant psych treatment to get his meds straight -- that is what has him so out of sorts lately. I then got a 15 minute list of all the reasons he resents me. Why did he want me to decide what I wanted? It is pretty clear he has his mind made up!

Will he still feel that way when he gets to feeling better? His sister and brother-in-law are taking him, voluntarily, to a psych hospital on Friday for a full assessment. It should take about 5 days. Has anyone been through that before? Any idea what I should expect when he gets out? Will he still resent me? Hate me? Worse of all, will he still want to be with his assistant? Will he want his family back? I am happy he is going for treatment......I am afraid of what he will be like on the other side. I don't even know if I will want him back even then............

I haven't eaten in 3 days. i cannot sleep. Last night (in the middle of the night) I drove to the river house, sneaked in, made sure he was breathing, and left. I am terrified he will kill himself or just run away. I am not even sure if these are rational fears or not. I am really Really REALLY trying not to be so worried because there is nothing I can do. I put it in his sister's hands.

I am babbling on and on now........so much drama........I have treated my children horribly tonight -- I had no patience and yelled quite a bit. I hate what this is doing to them too! Time to go snuggle those sweetie pies!

Love Y'all!

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/8/2009 8:18 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks everyone;

I apologize if I offended anyone. I don't even remember what all I wrote. After I posted things continued on for about another 1 1/2 hour. More of the same. I want the man I married back, you are gonna cheat on me, I know how men are, I'm tired of being treated like a child, quit trying to be my daddy, I don't need you to be my caregiver. I tried to explain to her that caregiver is the role I have been thrusted into because of the way she has been lately. She hasn't lifted a finger around the house in over a month, except she cooked dinner the past 2 nights, other then that nothing. Not the dishes, laundry, picking up, taking care of our son, getting him ready for school, nothing. She stays in bead until 1 or 2 PM, says it is beause her medicine makes her so sleepy. I just let her sleep beause it's better then dealing with her if she gets woke up before she is ready. She got ill with me because I asked her the other day if she had taken her meds yet. I tried to explain to her I meant nothing by it, just hadn't seen her take them yet & was simply asking a question in case she forgot. I keep hearing about her ring & how I should be so upset & heartbroken that she isn't wearing it. I told her I just didn't believe she meant it. Of course this made her mad then she went on about how serious she was & that this wasn't just one of her episodes(her saying that tells me it is) & I'll know she's serious when the u-haul shows up in the driveway, when her disability comes thru she's outa here & I'll finally be free from your sorry a**, and by the way, WHY AREN'T YOU MORE AFFECTIONATE WITH ME?

A little while later she calmed down, & came back around to I love you so much & I just get so scared you are going to leave me over all this & my therapist says I lash out as a defence etc. etc.. I just get so tired of the roller coaster because I am always left reeling with all of this stuff. I am supposed to go see about a job today, but am so not in the frame of mind to do it, but I have to anyway. I am nowhere near having my game on for that. I am always so shell shocked after one of these episodes that my brain is always like pudding for a while after. I guess the reason I have such a hard time with all this is that I try to be a logical, sensible person that thinks things thru, & all of this just doesn't make sense. The things she says & the things she thinks, I just don't know where she gets this stuff.

Oh well, maybe today will be better(didn't I say that yesterday?). Maybe I will feel better after I shower & get cleaned up.  


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/8/2009 9:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Rocketman,

I hope today was a better day for you and I also hope you got that job.

Whyus
I am a 34 year old woman married to a bipolar man.  2009 will be 10 year anniversary.  Three small children.  Seeking therapy for myself- finally.  Desperately want to keep my family together and save my marriage.  Husband doesn't want to go to marriage counseling.  Looking for support from other people with bipolar spouses.  Thanks.


pinkgirl82
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 1/9/2009 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Rocketman!
  I'm sorry that you are going through all this.  I know it is hard to handle and at times seems impossible.  I had a very similar experience with my husband yesterday, except I am the one who is bipolar.  I cannot of course know exactly how she is feeling/ thinking, but I can describe my own experience to maybe help you gain a little insight from the other side. 
  Through most of yesterday, I was in a rather good mood, feeling somewhat anxious, but ovheerall ok.  But when I got home, it was like it all fell apart. It started when I got home after work and called him just to say hi. Well I asked him a question and I felt his answer didn't make sense. It was obviously just a matter of misunderstanding, but I became very irritated and accused him of trying to be sneaky and hiding something. This just got the bowl rolling.  It ended up being an absolutely miserable evening, and he wasn't even home. I was mad because I was in the middle of an episode and feeling crazy and he was with his friends watching football. The funny thing is, I couldn't even figure out why I was so mad, but I was absolutely furious! I couldn't control my screaming and called him probably a hundred times.  During an episode, my rationale goes out the window. I have said and done such hurtful things. Started fights, caused scenes in public, you name it; only to feel completely embarrased and ashamed and oh so very sorry later.  This illness sucks! Both for those who suffer from it as well as those who love us.  I strongly recommend you buy and read the book titled 'Loving someone with bipolar disorder'.  It has some wonderful coping skills for both of you,  and really helps to explain the way your wife is acting and feeling.  It also goes into ways to recognize early warning signs of an episode and has tips for minimizing them.  Try to remember that your wife is ill, and this is beyond her control. Trust me, she hates feeling and acting this way just as much as you hate dealing with it.  She doesn't really mean the hurtful things she says and does. You must try to remember that during these episodes, the illness is doing the talking, not your wife.  Good Luck!

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/9/2009 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey pink;
Thanks for the advice. I know that a lot of times tis is the illness talking, but it is hard to keep that in mind when she comes back later unapoligetic & actually trying to reinforce what she was saying. Yesterday was pretty good & today has been good so far, only some minor insecurity. We went out to dinner tonight, just the two of us, first time we have got to do that in a while & had a good time. Last night was really good too. She was being the loving affectionate woman I fell in love with that I don't get to see much anymore. Her pdoc called today & wants to increase her rispredol after what she told her therapist the other day(still don't know what that is).

Thanks again

Rocket
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/9/2009 8:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Rocketman,

Glad you and your wife went on a date and had a good time. Aren't those times the best!
 

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