I Began the Talk!!

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Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/15/2009 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone!
 
So last night I finally began the conversation about getting my husband to let me schedule some appointments with his GP and a psychiatrist to get a complete phsysical and adjust his meds!  He was acutally open to it and agreed to let me schedule the appointments for him and go with him!  I very calmly and nicely said that I think his meds need adjusting and that I have been researching manic depression (bipolar sounded to harsh at the moment) and from my research, antidepressants should NOT be used alone to treat the condition- needs a mood stabilizer as well.  He's been on Lexapro and Ambien for sometime now.  He was actually listening and very interested in what I had found.  I told him I had highlighted info for him as well as made some notes and I have it all ready for him for when he is ready to read my research. 
 
He did get a bit defensive and said, "Oh so it's not you and the kids? It's just me with the problem?"  I told him that I never said it was only him and that that is why I have an appointment this afternoon with a therapist myself so I can talk to someone about what is going on.  He then snaps back that he thinks someone SHOULD look at me and see what is wrong with me.  It could be me with the problem.  I didn't engage in an argument with him at that point.  I was just happy that he agreed to go see the docs!  He asked me to find someone that isn't just a drug pusher, which is what his previous psychiatrist did.  I also explained that in my research I have found that simply getting his meds refilled through his GP is not a good idea, because there should be therapy involved. 
 
I honestly believe that until I found this forum and started to research bp more in depth, I was simply feeling rejected, angry and unloved by him and I just let him be.  Now that I understand this condition more, my attitude is different.  I am going to help him stabilize his condition.  I am going to seek therapy for myself and hopefully he will agree to join me and work on our marriage.  If after (cross your fingers everyone) his meds are under control and he is "stable" he still doesn't feel anything emotional towards me, then I'm done with him and he can go figure it out on his own.  That sounds harsh, I know, but I'm willing to work on this if he is and it seems that he is willing to begin by visiting doctors!
 
He told me that being back at work has made him feel better.  He did say that he is starting to feel guilty about not spending more time with the kids now that we are back at work and don't I feel guilty about it???  Well, NO I don't.  I very calmly reminded him that worrying about and feeling guilty about having our kids in daycare/preschool is only going to cause him more stress.  This is the way we have to do it now and the kids are fine.  He was ok with me reminding him of that.  After that we began a conversation about work and was actually asking me for advice on how to deal with certain situations at work and he was interested in what I had to say and that made me feel good!
 
Thank you all for listening!  I am now going to make some phone calls and attend my therapy appt and I will keep you all posted! lol
 
Whyus
 
 
 


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/15/2009 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah  
 
HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
What an awesome step!  Good for you for not only taking that step but not engaging in a potential argument.  Being able to admit that "maybe it is you" and not just him is not such a bad thing even though you know that the issue does not lie within you.  But telling him that, maybe he's right, maybe you do have some fault in the "issues" and you're willing to get help too will make him feel like he's not alone and the blame doesn't solely rest on his shoulders!
 
Thats great!
From the moment

From the moment i saw you,
I wanted to meet you
From the moment i met you, I wanted to know you
From the moment i knew you, I was in love with you
From the moment i loved you, I wanted to share my life with you
and from that moment to this moment and for the moments to come I will love you with all my heart.
-author unknown


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/15/2009 7:57 PM (GMT -7)   
(((Big Hugs!!!)))

Fantastic job, Whyus! I'm so proud of you! You did all the right things. You even held your ground when he was trying to push your buttons. Wonderful. I hope he gets some real help from these appointments. And I hope you get some relief from finally getting to talk about your frustrations and struggles with that therapist. You're absolutely right about the kids too. They're doing fine, I'm sure. In case of loss of cabin pressure, take care of the your own mask first, then assist the little ones with their masks. tongue
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 1/15/2009 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Terrific!  I am one of those people who was fooled into being on only antidepressants and it was devastating.  My mania became so bad and so rapid cycling that I put us in over 50,000 of debt.  You most definately need both a mood stabilizer and antidepressant.   And remember to not get frustrated with the slowness of seeing improvement.  Many meds can take up to 6 weeks to see a difference, and sometimes they don't work and you have to start over.  So it takes a lot of patience on the part of both of you to go through the process.  Good luck to you!
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch


Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/16/2009 9:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone!
 
I met with the therapist yesterday and I cannot believe I waited all these years to do so!  Turns out her area of expertise is treating bipolar disorder!  She validated everything I had been feeling.  Said I have to help my husband get his meds under control because he's just spiraling downward.  The things he's said and done are all because of the mania.  The Lexapro is not working for him.  She gave me a list of meds that might work.  If my husband doesn't want to come see her, she can work with his GP whom she's heard wonderful things about.  I need to get him in to see the GP ASAP because he's just being a mean man at the moment.  Wanting to pick fights with me, but I am not engaging in this at all.  I say nothing or just walk away.  I hope God continues to give me the strenghth to keep doing that because I do just want to react and snap back, but I won't.
 
The therapist said I need to let me my husband know that I have been reacting to his behavior and not dealing with his illness.  I started to realize that when I joined this forum and started to research bp.  Thanks you guys!  I feel good and I feel hopeful.    
 
 
 


inertia
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 1/16/2009 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   
YAY!!! that is fantastic news! ::::HUG for you:::

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/16/2009 6:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Good for you Whyus! That took an incredible amount of courage to start the ball rolling! Keep things rolling foreward because it sounds like you are on the right path!

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/16/2009 9:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hugs and wishes for peace to you, Whyus. Sounds like things may be looking up soon. Stay strong, it can be a long road, your husband is lucky to have you.

Love,

4support

Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/19/2009 2:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Everyone,
 
It has been a long weekend.  I don't know how long I can keep not engaging in an argument with my husband when he is just so snappy to me!  Last night he mentioned he was having bad headaches and not feeling well.  I simply commented that it could be a side effect of the Lexapro.  (He did renew the perscription at my suggestion until we go see the GP to adjust the meds). 
 
Well he snaps that just because I've done some research on bp and went to talk to some therapist, I think I'm an expert now.  And what about me?  Why is it whenever we go out with our friends, I am so unfriendly.  If you all recall, he called me arrogant and caused me to withdraw from my good time at a party we went to together.  He said that has been bugging him all week.  Whatever.  I simply said I should have not gone to the party with him.  Didn't respond to his rude remark about the bp research etc.  BUT my blood was boiling and I just wanted to get into a shouting match with him. I didn't though.  We are suppose to go see the GP next Monday.  That's the soonest appt I could get!
 
He breaks my heart each and everytime he snaps at me and I just keep reminding myself that it's the meds not working now.  His bp is not under control.  Part of me wants to just abandon him and take my kids with me.  I don't need him financially.  I can take good care of my kids on my own.  He can deal with his illness on his own- nasty, mean man that he's become!  Then of course I could never leave him on his own to deal with this illness.  But how much should I put up with his nastiness towards me?
 
Thanks for letting me vent guys.
 
Whyus
 


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/19/2009 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey whyus;

Sorry to hear about your crummy weekend. It really sucks to be in that position. It can be so hard to not snap back when you have to listen to that kind of stuff all the time. Especially when you are just trying to have a pleasent night, day, weekend, whatever, and they won't let you because all they want to do is try to start stuff. As much as you can you dismiss it as their condition, but sometimes it seems like they don't even try. Try to stay strong & you will get through it. Hopefully you will get some answers and progress can be made.

Best wishes

Rocket

P.S. Venting is what we're here for, so open the valve & vent away if you need to. We are all here for you.


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/19/2009 8:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Whyus,

Rocketman has it totally right. He's using you as a punching bag right now and that's not okay. You're doing the right thing by letting it pass right over you, but don't put up with it for too long. You need to make clear to him somehow that his snapping nastiness at you is not alright, and that you won't put up with it forever. Maybe if you can hold out until after he sees the doc, that will be a good time to talk to him about it, once he's been to the doc.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/20/2009 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Rocketman and Serafena!  Your words make me feel better.  This is probably too much info, but I'll still share.  I'm going to get an IUD from my obgyn soon so I was sharing with him that our insurance company approved it and he says to me, "Ok, but you're not getting any sex anytime soon.  I'm back on my meds (remember he was taking it every other day) and I have no, urge or desire for it."  I could live without the sex if he were just NICE to me when he's on the meds!  Ugh.
 
As soon as we see the doctor and he gets med adjusted I am going to speak to him about his nastiness towards me.  Doing it now, is not going to productive.  Seeing my therapist on Thursday, so maybe she can give me some suggestions on approaching this too.  Thanks guys.
 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/20/2009 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh brother, what a crab. He just thinks it's all about him right now, doesn't he? We can get a little self-absorbed. I wish it weren't true.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/20/2009 4:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Ouch; I know that sting. In his world he is probably wondering why you aren't all over him all the time! I know that's how my wife is. She feels free to make comments & ones far worse then that to me, but can't figure out why I don't have much desire anymore. When she went on her new meds the doc told her that they would counteract with her birth control, but it isn't a big deal, 3 times in 2 months, doesn't really make that an issue at all. Hope his meds will help him out &  you can get your marriage back on track.

Take Care,

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/20/2009 10:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Rocketman and Serafena.  So the wretched man who is my husband comes home with our two sons tonight and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is why the house is such a mess when he comes home.  I cannot believe him!  Where is the mess I asked.  Dismisses my question. 
 
Turthfully, the house was NOT a mess!  Were there TWO little toys on the floor that our daughter was playing with that I neglected to pick up before going upstairs to put her to bed?  Yes.  
 
Then our sons, who he swears were angels with him all evening begin to fight over a toy and he has to make the comment in front of them that as soon as I enter the room, they start fighting.  It's 8pm and they are tired.  They are done for the day.  But again, like an idiot, I do not engage in a back and forth discussion with him about this. 
 
Really, I am soooooooooooooooo done with him.  He doesn't hear half of what comes out of his mouth.  Is isn't just his unadjusted meds and his bp.  It's him.  It's him.  It's him.  It's not me. 
 
Any not bp husband would be thankful to have a wife like me!  I have a great full time job and make a GREAT living.  I cook and clean (not too often with the cooking).  I give him his space and this is the thanks I get. 
 
Does anyone know if his uncontrolled bp is cause enough for a judge to give me full custody of our children when we get divorced?
 
I am frustrated and sooooooooooo angry.  And sad.  I'm really feeling sad.
 
    
 


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/21/2009 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Whyus;

This is another post I could have written myself. Honestly, I think a lot of this probably is his untreated BP. I know what I have endured with my wife & seen how her father was as well & the paralells are right on. The anger, hostility & constant degrading seem to be classic sighns. I don't know what to tell you as far as stay or go, I know you are going thru hell right now staying though. Hopefully when you go to the docs you can get meds adjusted & that will help, but that hinges on him being willing to do his part. The only other thing I can tell you is to do like you did before & wait for a time when he is lucid & rational, then very nonconfrontationally explain to him how his behaviour is affecting you & your relationship. 

With the custody thing, I really don't know, I have never looked into it & things are different in every state. But I can't imagine why you wouldn't get full custody under the circumstances. Plus given the fact that you are the mother gives you a great advantage on that front. Back over christmas when my wife was doing her whole I'm moving out thing, she started threatening that she was going to leave & I would only see my son on weekends & all that. I sat her down & explained to her very bluntly, if she walked out, she walked out alone & she would be the one getting weekend visits & because of her sometimes violent outbursts toward me, it would probably be supervised visits. She said she didn't believe I would do that to her, so I simply told her that no, she would be doing that to herself by the decisions she has made. I haven't heard anything else about it in a few weeks & she has been a totally different person, so maybe she has seen the light, although she is probably just in a smoothe spot right now & the bottom will drop out again soon.

I hope this has been at least a little helpful for you & I hope things smoothe out some so you can maybe get him to come around some.

Best wishes;

Rocket  


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/21/2009 7:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Whyus,

I have just finished reading your recent posts and will be sending you a reply by tomorrow.

Tonight is a little crazy at my house, but I am thinking of you and want to be here to support you.

It's a wonderful feeling to have so many caring people on this board who understand what eachother goes thru.

More soon...hang in there.

Love,
4support
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