WOW, husband acting paranoid?

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4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/16/2009 9:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I arrived home tonight to find a list of all the websites I had visited during the day sitting by the computer. 
 
I am trying to get a handle on my stress/anxiety levels right now that frankly, have gone sky high because of the problems in this marriage - I am going to therapy twice a week and exercising to feel better.  The last 2 days have been a little bit better.  Now I come home to my husband snooping thru what I've been visiting on the web today.  I nicely asked him why there was a list of all of the sites I visited today and he told me "he had to do it because he is worried about 'things' and I won't talk to him, that he has no idea what is going on with me".  This is all because I am laying low, focusing on myself FOR ONCE, and not saying much about my therapy sessions.  I'm just pouring all my energy into taking care of my children and working on myself.  I am worried about the physical anxiety symptoms I am experiencing from the stress of his behaviour at times, and I need support right now.  Kind of like all the support I've given him for all these years.  I guess this is his idea of what?  It just feels very intrusive, I have nothing to hide from him.  But it kind of upsets me.
 
Thanks for letting me vent.
 
Peace to you all.
 
4

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/16/2009 9:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Serafena,

Will you please delete the first post I made without a Topic, I duplicated it when I posted with the Topic.

Thank you!!

4

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/17/2009 6:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey 4;

Wow! Been there. I got confronted one time during the "you're cheating on me" phase. She had went thru my strong box "looking for evidence" of me cheating. I have had this box since I was a teenager & have always kept stuff in it, so there was some things buried in it from way back. Guess what happened next! It turned into an all night argument about how I was still hung up on girls from High school 20years ago, & 10 years before I met my wife! But boy the paranoia just got fed on that one!

Good to hear that you are going to therapy to get some help in dealing with everything. The excersising sounds like a good step too, keep channeling things in a positive way & working to reduce your stress levles. Sounds like you are on a good path on your side of things anyway, & that's really the best thing you can do, so keep it up!

Have a good day!

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/17/2009 7:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi 4support,

That's truly creepy, and yes, definitely paranoid behavior. Did he have any reaction to the websites? Do you know how to clear your website history if you need to?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/17/2009 3:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Rocket,
 
You know I've been a lot like you in that I've loved my husband from the bottom of my soul and stuck with him thru all of this, riding the roller coaster for 6 out of our 13 years now.
 
I feel like our marriage is in the toilet.  That's really how I feel.  I don't see any light of resolution anytime soon.  I see a husband who is still in major denial of his own behaviour, more interested in pointing the finger in my direction, hurtful whenever he chooses (all of it justified according to him), and I see a wife and mother standing next to him who is falling apart emotionally and now physically because of the stress and anxiety I have been feeling.
 
He is still telling me that I am the one with the problem, who needs therapy and to "find out what is going on with me" that I overreact to his behaviour.  Things happen to people after they've met their limits, crossed their thresholds, I just can't take it much longer.  He also has a habit of twisting how everything happens and it drives me nuts.  He twists how conflict gets started, conveniently forgets all the hurtful things he said which got me to react in the first place, minimizes the way he acts, and exaggerates the way I act in response.  It's insanity.  Life is short and should be joyful, I don't want to spend my whole life dealing with this and exposing the children to this as they are growing up.
 
My children are so young and they are seeing this conflict and arguing, it makes me feel very guilty and question - WHAT AM I DOING?  Teaching them that on/off hostility and conflict is normal in a relationship between a man and wife?  I realize people argue, but this is to a much higher level.
 
Hopefully therapy and the exercise I'm getting will kick in soon.  I know we aren't alone, but it really feels like it for some reason.
 
Right now I am MISERABLE.
 
How are things on your end?
 
4

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/17/2009 3:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Serafena,
 
My husband didn't have any reaction to the websites I use during the day because I have nothing to hide.  I believe I know how to delete the sites I visit, but I truly never thought I'd have to worry about this.
 
Please read my response I just posted to Rocket above.  I really feel our marriage is in the toilet.  I don't know what kind of miracle could happen at this point to make me feel as though anything is ever moving toward resolution.  It's just as if we go around in circles.

I am feeling very miserable.
 
4support

falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/17/2009 8:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi 4! Again, I find us in the same boat!

Before going to the psych hospital, my husband actually visited the websites I had been to and read some posts on another BP support forum I was on. Needless to say, he did not like what he read, printed it out and carries it around with him. He also keeps an e-mail my mom sent to me back in May expressing her concerns for us. Now, he has added a list of my short-comings and misdeeds to the papers he carries with him. He tries to share these things with ANYONE who will listen/read. This was part of the reason the psych hospital kept him longer than he wanted to stay. He was fixated on these things and completely unable to process any other point of view other than his own.

I, too, fear my marriage is in the toilet. I certainly will NOT stay in it if he comes out of the hospital the same or worse than he went in. The only way I can stay committed to him is if he accepts the treatment plan and stays with it. Otherwise, I gotta go. My children and I deserve better.

This is weighing so heavily on my mind lately. As much as I love him, I don't think my love is enough. I feel guilty and like a horrible person even considering not standing by my man. I also know that life is too short to be miserable, anxious, hurt and exhausted all the time.

We are kindred spirits my friend! I am here for you to help support you through whatever you decide or whatever happens! So are a bunch of other internet angels!

(((HUGS)))

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/18/2009 7:31 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey 4;

Yep you are right. You and I and a lot of others could write each others posts. It is sad that this condition effects so many people, not just the person that has it. My wife hasn't went through my web history lately, she did a long time ago though. Like you, I have nothing to hide, but that rarely matters it seems. Somehow they get it in their head that they have things to be suspicious about. I think a lot of that was trying to find something on me to justify her own things she was doing at the time. I keep waiting for her to come here & start reading posts of mine, & dummy me used a screen name that would be a dead giveaway. Oh well, she can read if she wants, I'm sure it would start a fight, but that's o.k. too. As for things on my end right now, her pdoc increased her meds last week & it really seems to be helping with her. She still has some bouts of depression, but they are pretty mild comparativly. We are going thru a pretty smoothe spot right now, so who knows how long it will last. I can just soak it up while it does.

I know exactly how you feel about your marriage being in the toilet. I have got to where that still comes and goes, but my wife is really trying to get better too. She knows she has something wrong & is tired of feeling the way she does & wants to get better. Last night she was telling me all of this & apologized for her behavior she has & thanked me for putting up with it. I really think that her last therapy session opened her eyes up, she made the comment that you know you have problems when a therapist stops writing & just looks at you. Ever since that appt she has had a different behavior.

Anyhow, I'm rambling. I hope things come around for you soon. Maybe he will get a wake up call that brings him around.

Best wishes for you

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 1/18/2009 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Falling & Rocket,
 
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my husband at the computer pulling all of my cell phone records.  Each day is just becoming unbearable.  I feel like I'm suffocating with what he is doing to me and to our family.
 
I am thinking more and more of filing for divorce.  Up until now, I have tried to make everything work, and a big reason because we have 2 beautiful children.  But this environment isn't good for them either.  I am brokenhearted and don't know what I'm going to have to do.
 
He has lied about me, telling his mother (who doesn't understand BP to begin with) that I am the one with the 'problems' - how I get upset and angry and 'don't have control of myself'.  She believes him, then calls me and asks if I should have my hormones checked.  Give me a break!  It seems like everything is getting worse.
 
I am thinking of both of you and I thank you so much for your support and friendship.
 
Love,
 
4support

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/18/2009 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey 4;
I can really feel for you. I know exactly what you are going thru. Yes, I have had my cell phone gone thru as well, all based on the cheating suspicions. It just amazes me how they can take any little thing & turn it into something unbelievable. Something is fueling his paranoia though, and it probably isn't really anything at all. Just watch how you react to what he is doing to keep from fueling it further. You are dealing with someone who doesn't think rationally. If you get angry with his "investigating" he may see it as defenciveness & that you do have something to hide, instead of it being that you are hurt from the lack of trust  It just sucks that it seems like they have to hit rock bottom before they start to bounce back. It sounds as though he is close, but not quite there yet. I know you feel so alone right now, especially that he has everyone convinced that he is not the problem. It is especially hard when everyone else really doesn't know anything about the condition. I'm sure that he is a completely different person around others, & that makes it hard too.
 
We are here with you, so keep in touch & we will help you as much as we can.
Rocket
 
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/18/2009 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there 4! We are with you!

I know the feeling of a husband trying to convince everyone that it is you and not him. That may be a sign of nearing that rock-bottom point. It was for my husband. For weeks he kept trying to convince everyone who would listen that I was the cause of all his misery in life. Luckily, they could see through most of it. My sister in law was the best support I had during that time. She kept reminding him that I had not changed. I was the same wife and mother I had always been. She also was adamant that all the "complaints" he had were easily fixable if we could get into counseling. I agreed, but then things really spiraled out of control and he is now in the hospital.

A few people may have been duped by his manic insistence that I am to blame. I know his assistant lapped it up like a puppy. She took full advantage of his condition and moved into the role of "savior" (a.k.a. ENABLER!). I am not sure where things stand with him and her right now. I will not speak to her again. And if he comes out of the hospital wanting to repair our marriage, then she will be the first thing to go.

Okay, I am venting and rambling off topic now.....sorry!

I was almost sucked in to believing that everything was my fault until I started therapy. My therapist is awesome at helping me navigate through those feelings.

I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that the best outcome for you and your family materializes soon!
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