*update* DH is in treatment as of tonight! *update* .....well, that didn't last long.....

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BD_spouse
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Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/17/2009 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   
So hubby came over last night to watch a movie.  Well somewhere in the block (about 4 minutes) it takes to get from my house to his parents, he split.  I just assumed he was there because we made plans to take the boys somewhere today but his mom called me 1/2 hour after he left me and asked what time he was leaving my place.....I was confused (for a split second) and sadly told her he left 1/2 hr ago... so she sent his Dad out to do a little search for him and couldn't find him.  I waited another 1/2 hr, called his mom to see if maybe he showed and nothing.  So.............................................I went to bed!  Nope, I didn't stay up all night worrying like normal, I decided that I can't control what he's doing and I can't stop him (thanks to Al-Anon).  I'm not going to lie though, I did wake up every 2 hours and checked the call display but he didn't call me.  I'll call his parents in a while to see if he crawled his ass back to their house but I don't expect to have an answer.
cry  
I'm so disappointed.  I guess at least I enjoyed the good days while they were there.  At this point, I think it's his "need" to drink that over-ruled his mind last night.  He had already taken his meds and should have been off to bed as soon as he reached his parents so I was kinda suprised.  But then again, something deep in me knew.
I should have drove him over there or gotten his dad to pick him up.  Well... lesson learned I guess.
shakehead  


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN

Post Edited (BD_spouse) : 1/19/2009 8:26:05 PM (GMT-7)


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/17/2009 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Awwww. That sucks. I'm sorry. What a fool. But I'm so glad you knew enough to let him own his own actions and not spend all night awake and worrying about him. He did make that decision on his own and there's nothing you could've done about it. (((hugs)))

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/17/2009 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey BD;

I was afraid you would be posting something like this, just didn't think it would be so soon. It's great when they are doing well & hurts terribly when they slide back. Don't take this hard, it isn't your fault, but you know that. Some one with a drinking problem is going to drink, until they make the decision on thier own to get help & stop. We was over at the in-laws one time for her dad's birthday, he had stopped drinking for several months, he had went to the store before we got there & told us when he got back that he had some ice cream along with his 6 pack, but put it back. He said something was telling him to not buy it because it would make him sick, BUT THE BEER WOULD BE O.K.! There had been so many times that he would quit for a few months then start back up again, but would never actively get treatment for it. I know that drinking is a hard thing to beat & I am sure it is even harder when you have a kind of condition like his. Hopefully things will turn back around & he will start moving foreward again.

Hope you have a good day,

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/17/2009 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
*update:

talked to his parents and he never showed.  called his nan and she hadn't heard from him either.  chances are he goes to his nan's in a while.  i just want to know he's ok.  i don't care about the rest, i do realize that he's sick and needs help but i just need to know he's alright.  he had no money and no phone and his memory sucks so he doesn't have any numbers memorized so he would have had to walk somewhere.
it's such a beautiful day today.  the sun is shining so bright, yet, i just want to cry.  cry

this time i have NO idea where he could be.  shakehead


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN

Post Edited (BD_spouse) : 1/19/2009 8:48:03 AM (GMT-7)


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/18/2009 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   

BD;

I hoe this morning finds things better for you. I know you can't help but worry about his well being, especially given the bad choices that can be made when someone isn't stable. Keeo your head up, your eyes & ears open, and your hearts strong, & things will work out. Keeo us posted!

Good luck to you!

Rocket
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 1/18/2009 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
I once loved a man who was BiPolar and alcoholic, over a period of seven years, it almost killed me. He would disappear, as you described, and show up late the next day and tell me he fell asleep on a park bench. Right. It was like April and about 45 degrees outside, and this is a guy who used to wear two pairs of pants, even in the summer. Sure, Park Bench ha? Then he brought a little present home for me, an STD. That was the beginning of the end. I moved two thousand miles away, and that was that, but I was sure in bad shape, through-out and still haven't put it behind me. All I can say is, protect yourself.

Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/19/2009 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
**update**

So on Sat afternoon he called me from his Nan's house. His first words "I f'ed up". Turns out he sold his lap top to a pawn shop earlier in the day friday so he'd have money. Not much considering how much we paid for the computer. But he'd been planning the great escape all day. Well he put it as "fighting it" all day.
He coulda been killed. He woke up in a field miles from where we live. He met 2 guys at the bar and went to party with them. He was alone (luckily still had his wallet) when he woke up but had no idea where he was. I can only imagine why they would dump him there. When he got back he was soaking wet and freezing cold. His legs are all scratched up like a couple dozen cats used his legs as a scratching post. He had to walk for hours before actually getting to somewhere that he could hitchhike. Finally a nice old couple brought him right into town and dropped him at his Nan's. So he's back at home now. With his tail b/t his legs. He gave himself a pretty good scare... but he even admitted that his mind keeps going back to wanting the drugs...but not necessarily the drugs - but just not wanting to feel.

Tyno - i appreciate the concern but my husband doesn't cheat. I know that most women and skeptics will roll their eyes at that, but there are some men that have it in them, and some that don't - and he don't!!! If he started staying out night after night, it would be over anyways. There are just somethings I WON'T put up with.

My mom and I got into a fight about him being here. She said it's not my responsibility. To a degree she is right, but she is also wrong. He's my husband and he's sick. If he were diagnosed with cancer, I wouldn't desert him...so why would I know just b/c i don't like this particular disease and what it is doing to him.
I'm so confused.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/19/2009 9:05 AM (GMT -7)   
BD,

So the question, though,is what's next? If this is the way he behaves fresh out of the hospital, what can come next? Obviously the meds aren't right, or he needs to go back, or you need to practice a little tough love and throw him out for a while. There's something different between supporting someone who's ill and enabling self-destructive behavior. If he'd been planning such a thing all day, there was plenty of time for him to make a different choice, and believe me, he COULD have. The disease is pervasive and causes us to make bad choices, but they're still CHOICES. He chose to do it.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is the truth. He needs counseling, he needs some addiction treatment, he needs more work on his bipolar. Yes, you want to stand by him, but just taking him back in without consequence is not being supportive, it's telling him it's okay to act like a fool.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/19/2009 9:34 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey BD;

Man I am sorry you had such a rough weekend. I'm sure you are heartbroken right about now. I have to agree with serafena on this one. If he doesn't get some treatment & see that there is consequences to his actions, they will just keep on, or get worse. It is a very strong need in us to want to take care of our spouces because we love them so much, but that requires some pretty harsh actions sometimes. It isn't something that is enjoyable, but it still has to be done. If you truly want to help him, then think about what will really help him. I hope he gets his meds straitened out & comes back around, but you know deep down that there is only one way that is going to happen. First HE has to decide that he wants to get control of this & get better. Then HE needs to realize that going into the hospital & being honest with the docs is the only way that can happen. Until HE decides to do this, there is only so much you can do to help. This condition is hard enough on them & the people that love them, but when you add an addiction on top of it that puts a whole new dynamic onto it.

The best advice I can give you other then that is to make sure your heart doesn't override your head. I have seen first hand what enabling behavior for years can do to people & the people that love them & I can promise it isn't pretty at all.

Please keep us posted, I'll try to hep any way I can.

Rocket  


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/19/2009 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
We're waiting for a bed to become available in a residential treatment facility. He'll be gone for up to 3 months. Fingers crossed with the amount of people requesting this, he'll be in by Friday. There is actually 2 he'll be going to. One is a "mental health" facility where they will "tweak" his meds for 2 weeks to monitor changes and the other is drug and alcohol addiction facility. So it's just a waiting game now! Thanks for the advice - I do know that he needs some tough love but i'm just so darn happy to have him back that I'm finding it hard to be mad at him. Stupid, yes I know.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/19/2009 1:23 PM (GMT -7)   

BD;

Wow! That is great news! I sure hope this helps him get back on track. I'm sure you have a whole range of emotions right now, but the overriding one is happiness that he will be getting help. BTW, no you aren't being stupid, you are showing how much you love him. Bet you anyone that know your situation would agree.

Take care,

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/19/2009 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   
HURRAY! A bed became available today and even though we don't have funding in place they decided to take him anyways! He called them and was totally honest about being at high risk to relapse again and they said that he could come down! So I drove him to the drug and alcohol treatment facility this evening. I have a whole range of emotions right now. I'm happy he got in, but I sure wasn't prepared for it to happen this fast. I'm happy he's getting help but i'm sad because 10 weeks is a long time - not that long compared to the rest of his life, but I'm SO going to miss him. We haven't been apart that long since we met! So the next little while is going to be hard. But I'll be ok........ I will even though it'll have its moments!
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/19/2009 8:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Good luck to you, BD. It's going to be a hard couple of months. But you won't be cut off from him entirely, will you? Can you call and visit?

This is so hard, but you can do it. Remember who YOUR support network is and use it. I'm glad you let us know what's up. You have to keep yourself healthy as well.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/19/2009 11:03 PM (GMT -7)   

No, we aren't totally cut off.  Except the first 7 days he can't have any contact with anyone.  It's the first 7 days that he does his orientation and kind of "dry's out" from whatever he did last.  The first week he has a chance to get to know other people in the facility without any distractions. 
Visiting hours are Sat and Sun so I'll take the boys down once a week to see their Dad and after 21 days he's allowed an overnight pass to come home.  That means that maybe he can come home overnight for Valentine's day!! xoxoxox  blush

Thanks for all the support - the good and even the stuff that I might not want to hear - I do want to hear it all.  I need to be realistic about this and not in denial which is so easy to do when there are "fluffy" answers (which thankfully no one here gives!!)  thank you for your honesty. 

I'm so thankful for you all and all the support you have provided for me in the short time i've been here.  Even though he's gone for now, i'll keep you posted on his progress!


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/20/2009 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   

BD;

I am so happy for you guys. This will be hard on you, but will be 10 times harder on him. Compared to what you have been thru thought, this should be a cakewalk. This will help you as much as it will him thoough. Take the time to get yourself well & give your emotions some rest. This time will help you get your batteries re-charged. Take advantage! Kepp yourself busy to keep your mind off of missing him & just remember that this is the best thing right now. If he comes home cured & the person you remember won't it be worth it. You know it will.

Keep us posted on his progress, and remember we are here if you need us.

Best of luck to you guys!

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"

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