me pondering about life, using this forum as a kind of diary haha

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sher211
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 1/22/2009 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi all, hope everyone is well. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for myself.

Well, my intersession has ended and I'm back at college for a new semester, fun. When I was home I managed to stabalize myself over the 4 weeks; however as I am sure many of you have experienced, it was a very slow process. My old psych. put me on depakote right before I left for break and increased it soon after. I don't what I want anymore; I complained about having an overactive sex drive and not being able to sleep so I was put on seroquel, then I was manic as all hell, so I was put on Depakote. Now, I'm just numb and very bloated. I feel like I'm becoming this entirely different person, and am not ready to make that adjustment. The only connection that I can make to what I'm feeling is one were to have a mid-life crisis. I miss my mania, and because of that I find myself falling into a depression every now and then. I have the power to stop the meds, I should just do it. I don't care anymore...I realize that y'all may be thinking that I am just young and naive and can't see the consequences to my actions, and you may tell me otherwise; but of course I'm going to be stubborn and want to do as I please because I 'think that I know everything about life' but in reality, I don't know crap.

I have a lot of insecurities about myself, It's always been that way. That's another reason why I can't make friends. I feel as though I need to put on a 'song and dance' to be accepted. They say that you just need to be yourself, problem is that I've never known who I really was as a person.. these pills just further complicate my path to self discovery.

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 1/23/2009 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Sher211,

It is BP Gemini Here!  I know how hard the medication thing is.  I have been on so many different ones I can hardly recall the name of them all.  A while back I started a thread called "Flushed My Meds".  i literally got up one Saturday morning and decided I was not BP any more and flushed all meds down the potty!  I felt great with my decision for about a week and then the bottom feel out.  I started experiencing dibilitating depression which was never my issue, I was always very manic.  I knew I was in trouble, had to go back on another med which I am still on because this one, other than making me gain about 8 lbs, has had no bad side effects and I actually feel pretty good and balanced.  I really seem to react to situations appropriately now BUT this "normal" feeling is so unusal for me (I love my hypomania too!) that I almost don't know what to do with myself.  I know that sounds crazy but it is like I am someone else.  Maybe I am the real me now but I guess since it has been so long I do not recognize me, her, whoever!  I have a very stressful job and I wish so much to be able to stay home.  I am so much more calm and happy when I am a domestic goddess, I do not feel like I belong in the Corporate World but maybe I would feel that way anywhere.  I took a day of vacation today, had I not, I would have called in sick, just could not do it one more day.  I had a complete physical recently and was given a clean bill of health, so that alone should tell me that my mental issues are mental and not the result of a physical problem.

To stay on meds or not, that is something that only you can decide.  I even went "herbal" for a while and I felt great physically but mentally they are just not strong enough.  I wish they were because I would rather take care of my issues on a more natural level but I have finally accepted that this is the way things have to be or I am constantly melting up or down.  I would suggest talking to your Dr again about what you are going through and if you feel they are not listening and just trying differnt meds randomly, than find another PDoc. really, that makes all the difference in the world.  My PDoc was the greatest but he retired and now I have to find another.  Not really looking forward to that.

Well, good luck sweetie.  I am always here for you to talk to.  Do what is right for you and do not beat yourself up too bad worrying about it, OK?

BP Gemini

BP1

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Pitta Dosha ( Ever studied Ayurvedic Medicine?)


sher211
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 1/23/2009 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the response BP Gemini-

you don't know how secure it makes me feel that someone else in this world has gone through what I'm going through right now. I, too am most calm and happy when I am allowed to be a 'domesticated goddess' at home; but when I truly think about it, life would be too simple if I were to live that way. Obstacles are what I am used too, mainly psychological obstacles. I have dealt with these since the tender age of twelve. While the other children were carefree, I had to live with a constant shadow over my head. Even if I were to make a friend or two I would loose them as soon as another depressive episode came along. Many tears have ran down my face, many thoughts of ending my life. I guess on the surface life my life is better off now. Since 2007 when I started up the meds I have had many less extreme depressive episodes. But like I said, now that mania, or hyponia is in the picture I want nothing to do with these psychotropic drugs.

Thanks so much for the support BPgemini,
Sher211

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/23/2009 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi sher211,

I find that the pills do complicate the path to self-knowledge. How can we be sure who the real person is, what decisions we would make, what we would feel, who we could be if our thoughts are being modified? I wrestled with this for a while and finally asked my doc who told me the meds shouldn't be changing me, just balancing me. She told me the bipolar wouldn't alter my personality, just turn my own personality traits up or down according to my moods. If you feel like the meds are zombifying you, talk to your doc. Don't just stop the meds -- you're asking for side effects that way. Yuck.

As far as making friends, let it happen naturally. Try getting involved at school with something that interests you. What are some of your hobbies or interests? Could you find a club or group that does those things? That's a good way to meet people and you don't need the song and dance -- only your mutual interest.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 1/23/2009 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   

Sher, you are welcome!  Now that made my day knowing that maybe something I or Serafena said would make you stop and re-think any ideas you are having about your meds.  My PDoc once suggested that I take a class in something that I enjoyed or was interested in, that way I would meet people with like interest and possibly I could cultivate and maybe sustain a much needed friendship.  I feel so alone in this dis-ease.  My husband has finally accepted it and is being as helpful as he is capable of being but still I feel very alone in my struggle to get back to me or whoever I am or was or whatever.

Anywho (I love Scrubs on Comedy Central), have a good day and everyone here is here for each other. turn

BP Gemini


shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 1/23/2009 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Sher211, I made the mistake of abruptly stopping my meds once when I began feeling extremely sedated. A year before that I had been diagnosed with bipolar. I had spent the past 15 years with highs and lows and once I got on the medication, I only felt numb. I hated that feeling. Also, I lost many friends who began avoiding me after I told them I had bipolar. When I stopped my meds, I experienced a brief psychotic episode. I cut my hair, quit my job and gave away my beloved dog. I have regretted those actions every single day after that. Now, I am having difficulty finding a job, I have short hair and I have brought home an abandoned dog that I don't like half as much as my old one. So, please don't stop your meds without consulting your psychiatrist. Now I talk to a psychiatrist whenever I feel a medicine does not suit me and he makes changes accordingly. I now make an active effort to make friends, develop hobbies and I sometimes meditate. It has helped discover a new "me". Sometimes, I get upset about the years I wasted because of my disorder, but then I realize that life is not perfect. Sometimes, I find the new "me" really dull compared to the old "me" but I realize that's how most people are. I attract less attention now but I also get taken more seriously. And having the support of the lovely people on the forum makes my day on many occasions.

sher211
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 1/23/2009 4:57 PM (GMT -7)   

bipolardude73
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 1/23/2009 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   
The more I read, the gladder (is that a word?) I am that I joined this forum. Since 1994, when I was first diagnosed with all of this crap, I have taken probably every single med you can name. I would usually do well for a while and then once I hit a manic episode or a really bad depressive episode FLUSH!! down the toilet they went. My last meds made me VERY zombified so I flushed them- the next day, which was Christmas Eve, I bottomed out and was suicidal. Thank God that I was too depressed to commit suicide!! Please don't abruptly stop taking your meds, if you have a problem and it is urgent, call your doc's on call number and have their rearend paged for God's sake- just don't don't stop taking them and hit rock freakin bottom like I did. If you ever need to talk, give me a yell!!
Diagnosed with Mixed Bipolar Disorder with hallucinations, PTSD, OCD and Major Depression since 1994.

Always feel free to email me- sometimes an email just to say Hello is the highlight of my day.


sher211
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 1/25/2009 5:24 PM (GMT -7)   
All of you have made me think twice about stopping my meds. As hard as it will be, I've decided that I need to set up an appointment with the pdoc after I see my new therapist on wednesday to talk things over. It's obvious that now that I am calmer, I'm able to make much more rational decisions. Unfortunatlely, this wasn't the case last night--I won't get into it. In fact this is rarely the case, at least as of the last couple of years. What can I say? I act on extremes and have a very addictive personality; throw in some self esteem issues, and voila, you get one ****ed up girl. And I realize that there are cases worse than my own, but these mental illnesses can leave a person feeling very self centered at times.

Post Edited (sher211) : 1/25/2009 7:37:09 PM (GMT-7)


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 1/26/2009 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Good for you Sher.  Stay away from the flushing of meds idea.  It truely does take an enormous amount of patience to find the right meds.  And patience and BP are like opposites!  I feel you will eventually find the right mix, and in the meantime spend your freetime doing stress free things you enjoy.

"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch


sher211
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 1/26/2009 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the positive reinforcement

maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 1/26/2009 4:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I too understand how you feel. Many times have I got rid of my meds and even now think to myself "I am not Bipolar".  I am on dissability for Bp and Crohn's, but still work enough to not lose my dissability.  I feel guilty all the time for not working full time, but when I do I can't handle it and quit my job.  Also I was so happy to hear that someone else cut their hair when a mood happened.  I thought I was crazy because it just used to come over me.  I am so happy that I am a part of this forum because we all are familiar with all the changes that go on from one time to another.  All I can say is thanks because I stopped taking one of my meds and now am thinking twice about it. 
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