To put it simply, you are just boiling over right now. There is nothing "wrong" with you, you have just reached your limit. I have been through the same thing myself. For nearly two years all my wife did was complaing & gripe about seemingly everything. Always something negative, always complaining about something, & it usually had something to do with me and something I did or didin't do. She was always talking about how miserable she was & hated her life, just wanted to die, & didn't care, you know the drill. She has always talked like this, no matter what our situation or circumstances were. We have been together almost ten years & she has always talked this stuff. Finally after all of this one day last sept we were fighting about nothing & she started in with the I just wanna die stuff. The only reason she hasen't tried to kill herself is our son & she has nothing else to live for etc. etc. etc.. That is when I reached my boiling point & told her If she was that miserable then to just blow her brains out & get it over with. I know it was a horrible thing to say, and I feel terrible about it & do really regret it. But I am only human & after hearing this crap for as long as I have, it wouldn't have took this long for a lot of other people. Thankfully she is getting help & it seems like they have got her meds right for now & a lot of that has stopped, but it still comes around once in a while. I can honestly say that joining this forum & talking to you guys & seeing that I am not the only one going thru this, & that the way she acts isn't just her, but pretty normal for someone with this condition has helped me deal with things a lot better.
It could be easy for someone to tell you that you should have said this or that, but they aren't the one living your life, and dealing with this every day like you are. Until you go through it first hand, you have no idea. The best thing you can do is to work on seperating yourself emotionally from the things his condition makes him say & do. You have got to let things roll off of you. It is hard to do, but if you let the stuff get to you & sink in, it will eventually erode you away. You will always care & love him, you just hate his actions & behavior. Like the rest of us, you wish you could wave a magic wand & so on to help him, but that isn't going to happen. He has to want to get better & stick to what his docs tell him to do. If the effort isn't coming from him, then you are just spinning your wheels.
Keep yourself strong & don't let things get to you. Remember, it isn't you, it's his condition. Don't let him push your buttons. You are the rational one in the relationship. I know it's hard, I can't follow my own advice a lot of times, but you can do it.
No there is nothing "wrong" with you. Like rocketman said, you've reached your maximum!
And no - counselling can't cure this - but it will make things better. Sounds confusing, but let me explain. My DH and I were at the verge of separating, and as a last resort we tried marriage counselling (shoulda been a first)! We saw this counsellor 1x a week for weeks! And he didn't cure us - but he taught us how to talk to each other. We even went to a couple of marriage workshops that taught us how to have a fight properly, in a way that the one partner is listening and the other partner sticks to the 1 topic at hand. A good counsellor will not solve your problems but they will teach you how to solve them yourself so that 1) you're not in counselling for the rest of your life! and 2) in the days between seeing the counsellor when those little things do come up you have the tools to deal with them.
I think that counselling will do you both some good - couples counselling and individual counselling for yourself. Don't forget you've been dealing with this for some time, I'm sure you have LOTS to get off your chest!
Hi falling apart,
I agree with Rocket and Serafena. You need the therapy for yourself. There's been lots that has happened in your relationship with your husband and you need time to learn how to cope with it all.
My therapist also told me to concentrate on getting counseling for myself first so I can learn to cope better with my husband's bp. Marriage counseling will maybe be next. As I have been complaining earlier, I have also reached a boiling point where I can only continue to take so much of his verbal abuse. But here I continue to be.
Keep strong falling apart. Just believe that it cannot possibly get any worse than it is now...that's what I keep repeating to myself.
You need to get yourself on track first. You ahve been thru hell and you need to give yourself time to heal. And not to worry, there will be good days, a few great days, and a few crappy days, but you will find your way thru this mess to a better place.
Keep posting. You will find this to be a very supportive and understanding community. Many people here from both sides of the problem and we are all here to give support.
Good luck and tommrrow will be better.