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falling apart
Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/26/2009 10:23 AM (GMT -6)   
I think this question comes up constantly, but I am really trying to figure it out for myself, so I decided to post it again. Of course, I ask this with the caveat that I KNOW everyone's situation is different -- personalities are different , finances are different, support systems are different, etc. But, how do you know if it is better to stay or better to move on? When does that moment of enlightenment happen? How long do I ponder, wait and wonder?

Any advice? Personal testimony? Answers? I would love them all!

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 1/26/2009 1:31 PM (GMT -6)   
I think everyone has a "breaking" point. Unless you set a firm boundary that if it gets crossed you know you'll walk, but don't set a boundary that you aren't prepared to take action on.
For me, my ultimate boundary is cheating. I don't care who, what when where why how............notta - cheating is my deal breaker. There will be no separation, there will be no counselling if my dh ever cheated. he knows that and the same goes for him if i ever cheated.
However, when it comes to his illness/addiction, i haven't even thought of a "moving on" point. I don't want to because i'd like to think that no matter what he goes through, i'll be able to help him.
Don't get me wrong, there are some boundaries i've set up (for example if he leaves treatment, he can't come home) doesn't mean that i'll leave the that point. I'll try and try and try until he decides there's nothing wrong with him and doesn't need help/treatment. If he does not take ANY responsibility for this, then I think that will be my walking away point.... but we're not there, so I don't like to think about it. :)

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."

falling apart
Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/26/2009 11:56 PM (GMT -6)   

I used to think cheating would be the deal breaker for me.....but it didn't really turn out that way.  Ultimately, I may not be able to get past the anger, hurt and mistrust.  It may be what actulaly does our marraige in.

The only reason why it hasn't so far is because it was obvious that my husband was so far out of control that he was truly on the verge of losing EVERYTHING (me, kids, sister, mom, his business, home, cars, etc).  I felt that I really needed to help him stabilize and get back on track.  So far we are taking those little tiny baby steps.  Today he even went back to work!  Yay!

I am still so hurt and bitter though.  The kids and I are staying at my parents' house for the time being.  We do, however, go home after school and stay through dinner (I cook and everything).  I help him get prepared for the next day, make sure he takes his meds, etc.  Then we drive up the road to my mom's for the night.

It is a bizarre situation, but we have adjusted pretty well.  The kids would rather skip going to our house and go straight to MiMi and Poppa's  :-) , but they understand that daddy needs our love and support. 

He is very depressed and I feel guilty leaving him home alone, but, you know, he has not even apologized for his affair yet.  He has not dealt with how his actions have hurt me.  I wish he would at least try to understand why I am not jumping back into bed with him and living like everything was fine.  I try to explain it, but tonight he just got this blank stare and then started crying.  It was sobering for me to see him just cry and not be able to express why he felt sad.  Ah, I digress.........

It is going to take more time to figure out where to draw that line in the sand.......I will just have to live in uncertainty until then!

Thanks for listening (a.k.a. reading)!

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/27/2009 12:32 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi falling apart.  Thinking back to different scenarios in the early years of our marriage, before kids, when my husband was not loving with me or he had one of his angry outburts where I thought he might just loose it enough to raise his hand at me, I remember thinking that if he did just that, it would be reason enough for me to walk away from the marriage.  He never has raised his hand at me.  Here I am.  Ten years later and 3 kids later.

Before I decided to really research this illness and figure out what the hell was really wrong and was he really meaning all the mean things coming out of his mouth and before I found you all on this forum, I was really considering just taking my three kids and leaving him to deal with himself.  Obviously, I am committed to helping him through this so we can live in "harmony" and our family can stay together and our marriage can "work". 

I don't have any answers.  I just hope I can continue to be strong enough to help him be "happy".  But, I have asked this before, who's gonna make sure I'm happy?  I guess I'm in charge of that too.

Continue to be strong falling apart.


Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 1/28/2009 9:59 AM (GMT -6)   

Hey Falling;

For my wife and I, we have always said that the two dealbreakers would be cheating & substance abuse. I would like to think that I would stand firm with this, but you never know. A year ago she had an online thing with someone from her past & I'm still here, but if it would have went further then that then no. With the substance abuse, I would try to get her past it, but if she wasn't trying, then no. It's amazing what you will put yourself through for the one you truly love. I always think of two things a couple of freinds of mine said before.

"Love is an obscure concept used by rational people to explain irrational behaviour."

"You can tell how much you love someone by how much of their **** you are willing to put up with."
The first one is probably from a movie or something, that guy had a way of "borrowing" stuff like that & claiming the credit. The seond one was from a friend that was having a lot of trouble at home at the time & was fighting for dear life to save things. Didn't work.
Anyhow, keep strong & hold your head up, today might be better!
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"

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