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mptat
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/31/2009 1:04 AM (GMT -7)   
My wife left me recently.  She was diagnosed with bipolar about 8 years ago.  She was on meds ever since.  Now she is off them, we've been married for 1year 3 months.  The last 2 months were bad, i could do or say nothing right.  I love my wife very much, but now she thinks that she never had bipolar?  I'm worried about her, i've never noticed a manic phase in her life, but now she's running from everything, house morgage etc.  I'm worried that she will do something bad.  She says she wants to be  alone and happy.  What do i do? i seen a councilor today, my wife doesn't even want to try on our marriage.  It's so hard because i blame myself so much, and the councillor helped me with that.  I'm worried that if she is manic, will she have sex, with someone and think it's right?  our sex life has been gone the last 3 months.  I'm just worried? what would she do?  she functions well at work?  i want to contact her, but she's so angry at me.  I feel so lost.  I just don't want her to do something she will regret.  Thank you.

mptat
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/31/2009 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   
what should i do?

Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 1/31/2009 5:48 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi mptat.  I've been married to a man with bp for the past 10 years.  Soon after we were married he was diagnosed and has been on meds ever since.  I think he always knew there was something going on with him but during the 2 years that we dated before we got married, I saw nothing of it and he never said anything about it.

Since we've had children and there is more stress in our lives because of parenting and the economy and just life itself, he has had a horrible 3 years or so and this past year was the worst ever in terms of his moods etc.  Messed up our finances, says mean things to me and so on.

Only since December when he really flipped out on me, did I finally decided to start researching this and figuring out what to do to really help him instead of ignoring his symptoms and continue to enable him.  He's been cooperative so far.

I tell you all this because you need to understand that living with someone with this illness is NOT easy and you must be committed to dealing with all the **** that comes with it.  If I had known how difficult it is to live with someone who has bp I never would have married him.  It sounds cold, but it's the truth.  I know I married him for richer and poorer and sickness and health, in good and bad but this is really not what I signed up for.  It's what I was dealt and now I have to deal with it.

I don't want to have to deal with this.  It's tiring, it's stressful, it' hurtful.  He makes me mad, he hurts my feelings, he's not affectionate with me.  And still, I love him.  We have three children, but I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.  

If you are willing to deal with a bp spouse then look for her and help her no matter if she keeps saying no and she is in denial about her illness.  Make her get the help she needs and stick by her no matter what.  Take her to the doctor's appt.  Get her the meds she needs.  Make sure she takes them.  Be supportive and understanding.  Ask her how she's feeling.  Do all this for her, but don't expect her to do it for you, because it will all be about helping her cope with this illness.  Get counseling for yourself so you can discuss your feelings with someone and get help on how to help her.

If you are not willing to continue dealing with a lifetime of what you just started experiencing with her the last 2 months, then divorce her and move on with your life- especially if she is not willing to get help for herself.  You will be ok.  Hopefully, there are no children in the marriage because that just throws a wrench into the mix.  

I wish you luck.  I'm sorry if my advice is mean and evil, but it's my truth.
 


mptat
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/31/2009 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I really appreciate you explaining this to me. We don't have children, we have been together for 3 years. It deffinatly hurts to see this rapid change, but i do want her to get help, even if she does not want anything to do with me anymore. Thank you very much, take care.

mptat
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/31/2009 8:15 PM (GMT -7)   
I'ts just so hard to see that she now denies ever having bp, will she ever figure it out again?

shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/1/2009 1:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Is there a way you can talk her into seeing a doctor. Explain to her that even though she does not have bp, seeing a doctor and get a confirmation of her belief won't hurt. You can leave the convincing to the psychiatrist. Some of them are good at it. My psychiatrist convinced me in my first sitting that there was something wrong with me and that I should try medication. Four psychiatrists before him were unable to diagnose me. You have to remember the change is not her decision, it is a symptom of her illness. Only this realization will be able to help you cope with her hypomanic phase.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/1/2009 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
mptat,

Hello and welcome to HealingWell and the bipolar board. I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you're facing with your wife. Whyus painted a rather glum, but realistic picture of what life can be like for someone involved with a bipolar spouse who isn't medicated and isn't taking responsibility for his/her disorder. That's where you're at. Marriage to a bipolar is happily possible, but we need to take our meds, see therapists, take responsibility for our own wellness. So until she gets back on her meds and decides to come home, it sounds like she's having a manic phase and yes, unfortunately, anything is possible. Do you have any contact with her at all? Do you know if she's still seeing her psychiatrist? Deciding that one is not bipolar is all too common, I think, as is stopping the meds. But she'll come around eventually. She's just got to get reined in.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


mptat
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/1/2009 11:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I have contact with her, but very little. I'm giving her space. I don't know if tis is good or not, but this is what my councillor says, if i contact her and tell her she needs help, she will not listen to me and blame me again? I don't know what to do. She called me yesturday about her not paying her portion of the morgage, she dropped everything, but still has clothes in our house. I answered yes and no questions. She asked me why am i such a Jerk? i told her i'm just listening to her talk, she said okay. It seemed like the less i talked to her she was annoyed with me? i was not playing games, i just did not want to get into an argument. I'm patient with her on the phone, and i don't yell at her. But when i tell her that she just walked out on everything house morgage etc. She gets angry with me, and blames me for making her feel guilty. I'm so confused, but trying to be patient with her. What do i do?

falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 2/2/2009 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there mptat. I have been married for 13 years to a man suffering with BD. We have dealt with it off and on for many years now, but this last holiday season sent him spiraling out of control. EVERYONE recognized how bad his symptoms were -- except him. He left the Sunday after Christmas and took up with his assistant from the office. They stayed at our river house for some time together until we finally got him into a hospital. That is when things went from bad to worse. He cut off all ties with me and was truly on the verge of destroying his entire family, his company and all of his relationships.

Here is the good news..........something (I am not sure what) finally snapped in his brain and he realized he did not want to loose everything. He now fully admits to his disorder, is fully committed to his meds, has agreed to any therapy that we feel necessary, etc. A COMPLETE 180! We are still trying to be certain his medication is correct and keeps him stable and feeling good. His outlook is great. He is excited about life and our future again.

If you love your wife, please DON'T give up!!!!!!! Educate yourself about the disorder so that you can understand that her behavior and the things she says are not really her. It is the BD. (However, it cannot be an excuse, she will have to take responsibility). Stay with this forum.....it will be more help and support than you could ever imagine. Stay in counseling -- you gotta take care of you and not get sucked into Co-Dependency. Be strong. Be a hero for your wife! Hang in there........it will be tuff. You can look back at some of my posts and see my journey over the last few months -- the uncertainty, anxiety, grief, fear. It was all there. But, I am living proof that there is a light shining brightly at the end of the tunnel.

We are all here for you and will help you through as best we can. We all have our unique stories to tell and you will see yourself or your wife in every one of them. You are not alone!

(((HUGS))) Stay strong and stay hopeful. It can get better!

Jondoe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 2/2/2009 8:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm a 15 year caregiver to a wife with BP. You're looking for an answer here, instead I'll pose a question.

If you knew right now that you could have her back, but it would happen again, would you want it? I lived with the blinders on for a looooooong time and wish I could have asked myself this question before now.

falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 2/2/2009 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Jon -

I know my previous post may have sounded giddy and naive -- I feel a bit of both. But, this was certainly our fist MAJOR episode where we almost lost EVERYTHING. He made it through it and I want to stay hopeful and optimistic.

Is it truly a forgone conclusion that he will relapse? Is it irrelevant how determined I am to ensure he stay on his meds and keep up with his counseling? What if his meds stop working.....will there be any warning sign or will it just come out of the blue one day?

Like I said, I AM optimistic, but I don't want to be naive. I want to be prepared for it all. I would love to hear more about you experiences (perhaps in another thread so we don't hijack this one any more) so that I can be better prepared for the long term reality of this disorder.

I stand by my previous post and am convinced that there is always a brighter tomorrow, so hang in there mptat!
Thanks!

**sorry to have hijacked here......but this info could be good for mptat too.**

Jondoe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 2/2/2009 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
falling apart,

It most certainly is NOT a foregone conclusion he will relapse. I think what I have to share is that no matter how hard you work and how determined you are, it's ultimately up to him. Your motivation is the foundation for his success, but only that.

Also, meds will probably lose some effectiveness at some point. Even if they work for a couple years, they'll likely need adjustment at times. You'll know when it's time, but he may not. How you appr0ach that depends on how you two communicate.

mptat,

I don't want to paint a gloom and doom pictire for you here. My wife stays on her meds, but refuses to do anything else. Horrible diet, no exercise, won't get on a sleep schedule...nothing. Further, after this amount of time I've lost any expectation it will change. Even after health scares nothing is different.

You know your wife, we don't. Just know that it's a hard road no matter what. open your eyes going in and you'll have a fighting chance.

Post Edited (Jondoe) : 2/2/2009 9:24:27 AM (GMT-7)


lostwife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 39
   Posted 2/2/2009 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
mptat,
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I know just what you are going through. This one has been a bad one for me and sad to say, I've given up and am moving on...though he hasn't completely. He left me five months ago with the mortgage and all of the bills (everything's in my name). We were struggling on two incomes. I don't know how I've managed so far, but I have. Back to working two jobs when I can, but don't think I can do it much longer. He told me I should've gotten a roommate as he told me to when he left. Now he's talking about hanging on to the house as an investment! He left me like this before about 2 years ago..high and dry! It almost killed me! I had to have outpatient surgery and work two jobs the very same day until they sent me home because I couldn't walk- got down to 87 lbs. and was horribly depressed. Spent Christmas day drunk in the park crying..This IS NOT who I am! I am a professional, health-oriented easy-going woman!

Lately, he has posted a blog on MySpace about "raising the bar" on who he dates. What I am trying to say, is that without treatment, inevitably, you are in for a whole lot of pain and drama. It cannot be avoided because it does not go away, and meds/therapy is the only way to cushion your "blows" and make life together manageable. I've been left on average twice a year for six years (one year he didn't only because on meds and getting therapy) and he still says it is because it was a "bad marriage". He always reverts back to our "bad" relationship and "being different" and "fighting all the time" to the cause of our break-ups and so he is always out there looking for this "perfect woman for him". Not ever going to happen. I'm done. Mentally and physically I cannot take anymore. I gave him his distance and he found other women so I don't know what to tell you there. Eventually, they always come crashing down from the mania, but what kind of damage is done during the in-between period and is it "fixable".

The question you need to ask yourself is, how much are you willing to endure for this person...how much do you love her? You have to be very strong mentally, forgiving and very understanding to fight for the both of you, especially when they are pulling away. When she comes back to you in a state of being lost and depressed and sad (and she will) she will be the most reachable. It is then that you must get her in treatment. Make sure she gives the doctor the right to talk to you-be involved! My husband's doc wouldn't talk to me at all-wouldn't sign a consent. He was smoking pot and drinking and in severe mania and his doc wouldn't talk to me! Had no clue where he was for 3 months! Make a plan of action together for when it happens again-draw it up and both of you sign it! A lot of people with severe bp have really bad memory lapses and don't remember things they said or did. My husband is like this. Start building up a "reserve" if possible or having a financial back-up plan. I tried getting down to the basics, eliminating whatever debts I could and, thank God, had a couple thousand saved up since he left me last (because I knew he'd do it again). Unfortunately, I was racing against time, frantically trying to pull things together before he cycled again...I didn't have enough time. Remember too, when she comes down, she will be carrying a lot of guilt with her..which will compile with each episode. It's important to not add to this if you love her and want to stay with her, you must forgive. I saw my husband a week ago and forgave him for everything- told him that if he wants to move forward and be happ, he needs to let go of all of the guilt in order to start new and more important, learn to forgive himself. Much love! Take care and good luck!

mptat
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/2/2009 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   
you're information is highly valuble to me. Thank you all. I't really is hard, do i reach out to her or not? or let her get back to me?

falling apart
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 2/2/2009 8:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I would just remind her how much you care and let her know from time to time that you are there for her and that you love her. If there are any other family members you can enlist to help you get her help, get them to help you! I could have written your story several years ago. I can remember my husband saying at one time something about Bipolar being so overly diagnosed and he just knew he didn't have it. I stood by him and went into denial with him. It was years later when his family started seeing the signs that we worked together to get him the help he needed. He resisted and even hated us all for some time afterward.....but now, things are different.

Love is very powerful! Just keep reminding her how much you love and miss her..........good luck!

(((HUGS)))

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 2/2/2009 8:43 PM (GMT -7)   

mptat;

I think the best thing you can do is what you are doing. Let her know you love her & want her in your life & that you will be there for her. The only part of this that you an control is your side of things. Don't let her pull you into a fight, don't let her walk all over you either. Pick your battles though. Save the heavy stuff (like the house payment) for when she seems to be rational. Any time other then that & you will get the reactions that you have been getting.

best wishes;

Rocket 


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"

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