Forum Newbie - 15 Year Husband of BP Wife

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DazedAndConfused_UK
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/6/2009 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
 

Hi, I'm a husband of a BP woman seeking some help and support.  We've been married 15 years and our relationship is really on the rocks (again) but this time feels like we're getting closer to splitting. She's recently (a few weeks before xmas 08) come out of a 3 week stay in a psychiatric clinic after suffering from an episode of suicidal depression and anxiety (that had manifested from a string of triggers (stress/bullying at her work, a grandma getting old and looking close to dying, a work friend trying to commit suicide). It's her 4th major episode. They can always be linked to major life events (1st moving country to a European country, 2nd moving house, 3rd loosing her brother (who she was very close to) at the age of 30 to bowel cancer). and there have been many ups and downs in between that we never really associated with BP, she was diagnosed as BP in 2004 (3rd episode), the other 2 episodes had been blamed on a general anxiety disorder (but looking back mania was clearly there too) and were treated with SSRI antidepressants.

 

I guess this post is going to be a bit big as I've got a lot of stuff to get off my chest

 

Our story started with us meeting in our early 20s, we met in a pub and all our friends were into music and recreational drugs. It was the early 90s in the UK and the rave scene was getting big.   We loved to party and go clubbing etc. as did all our friends... We started to go out and after only 6 weeks of seeing each other every day and being very intensely in love decided to rush off and get married. We got a special license and got married in secret a week later, came back and told out friends and families who were all very shocked but very happy for us (although they thought we were mad and didn't think it would last). My wife was at college at the time and I worked for a university as a technician (untrained) and was a small time pot dealer (so had tonnes of "friends" (i.e. customers) and a wallet full of cash. She had just come out of a bad relationship and was damaged goods really. (I feel the co-dependant finger being pointed at me already).

 

She was always a bit volatile, especially after drinking but I found it kind of fun.  My family were quite strict and a bit square, hers were a bit crazy and liked a drink and smoked cigs etc. So it was a new world for me in many ways.

 

I'd always thought that there was a fine line between madness and sanity...  Having been an avid music fan (punk, techno etc.) I'd always thought being mad was quite cool in a way. Although I didn't think my wife was mad at all, just excitable and fun with a darker side occasionally but the darker side seemed like just her vulnerable side. I probably wasn't very mature about relationships and assumed it was just girl stuff...

 

Her Dad has been controlling and verbally abusive to her mum over the years and everyone wonders why her mum stays with him.  He shows a lot of signs of BP (getting the kids up for midnight feasts, infidelity, spending when they are broke, etc.) and has a dark side but self medicates with alcohol (to the point of liver disease, but keeps drinking). Everyone drinks around him and is basically in denial about his alcoholism...

 

Everyone says she takes after her father....

 

I should make it clear that she is a beautiful, charming, loving person. But when she's depressed/anxious she's obviously a shadow of herself. When she's manic she's controlling, uncaring, emotionally cold and either lies a lot or (looking at it a different way) very confused with a twisted memory and perception.

 

It seems that she never recovered from an n episode in 2002 (due to only being given SSRIs) and was becoming manic in 2003/2004. She was getting closer and closer to a friend of her brothers (who I knew too), to the point that other people were raising their eyebrows at her body language etc. when were all in the room at the same time. She spent more and more time with him (I naively thought it was innocent). We argued about it, her saying that I'm controlling and me saying that if the shoe was on the other foot she would be hurt and feel abused... Normally an argument about him would end up with her going into full rage....

 

During this time of instability in our relationship her brother was diagnosed with bowel cancer. So I had to try to take it all on the chin as it's not nice causing arguments with someone while they watch their flesh and blood deteriate and die over a 6 month period. During this time I threw myself at work or buried myself into computer games and pot at home to hide from reality. It felt as if I was darned if I did and darned if I didn't do anything about it...

 

A week before her brother dies she left me and moved in with the other guy. I was sure she was ill. Something was badly wrong with her but her family were more concerned about their son dying and were in denial about their daughter's problem... The Dad is always in denial about his issues anyway and the mum is co-dependent as far as I am concerned so they are (if you ask me) experts in denial.

 

To begin with I thought (maybe naively, maybe not) that her relationship with her brothers friend (who she was staying with) was innocent. I offered them financial support. But more and more I became paranoid that they were al the least having an emotional affair and at worst a full affair.

 

Her brother dies and at the funeral I had to sit away from the family, she was sitting next to the new man and holding his hand the whole time. It was emotional hell for me.... I didn't want to be there but at the same time I did. I wanted to do something about it all but at the same time I couldn't.

 

At this time I got counselling through work (my employer is very understanding and offers brilliant support to its staff).

 

My councillor suggested that I was co-dependent (my mum is a bit of a bossy one and my wife has been compared to her before, they aren't alike in any other way though as far as I know (apart from being brunette) and needed to work on what was right for me. That I might have to cut my losses and leave her. She helped me stand up for myself more.. My wife hated my councillor... (they never met but she could see the effect she was having)

 

Her brother's friend (the new guy in my wife's life as far as I was concerned) cared for my wife, bought her presents, and basically took my place in her life for a few months. Then as my wife became more and more manic (still not diagnosed at this stage) found he couldn't cope. My brother (who was supporting me) describer her as not looking angry as such but looking panicked, confused....  During that time I asked her if she loved the other guy, she said yes. I asked if she'd slept with him, she said yes, I asked her if she wanted to start a family with him, she said yes, but looking back, she was in full mania at that point...  I'm only now realising that she might have just been saying what she thought I wanted her to say. I was very angry and hurt at the time... also very confused as I didn't understand BP (I know, I know, I never will really, not being a sufferer myself).

 

Up to this point I had been called her on her mobile every day to make sure she was OK. As much as I didn't want to I felt responsible towards her, I knew she was ill. I wanted to play hardball with her but felt it would be cruel. She always seemed fine when we started chatting but became more and more irate during the call so that at the end of every call I had to hang up on her... then call her back, apologise for hanging up but explain that we couldn’t maintain a reasonable conversation and it was enough for her just to tell me she was OK. But she always wanted to talk.....

 

As I became stronger (I'd given up the pot at this stage, it's always been a large part of my life) I stopped calling her. And she started to call me instead, se became a lot nicer and admitted that she was realising that I wasn't the bad guy, that her brother's friend wasn't perfect and she didn't like her life with him, she wanted to come home.

 

Around this time she got into a clinic (with my help) and was diagnosed. I went to see her almost every day but she insisted in her new man coming to see her. One minute she was crying saying she couldn’t loose me, the next telling me to get out of her life as my presence was stopping her new man commit to a relationship with her.

 

I didn't trust him as he had fancied her when they were teenagers... he's a pretty weak guy (mentally) in my opinion and quite a loner, staying home smoking pot all the time, only mixing with one or two mates who came round his house. I realise now that it could be more that she felt less threatened being there, there was less of a contrast between her and him. The more I got better at handling our crazy life, the more it made her feel inadequate. Although I'm not sure of any of this stuff... I doubt I ever will be.

 

Eventually she was discharged from the clinic and put onto mood stabilisers. She came home, we went though a long period of living in separate bedrooms, but she would always try to sneak into my bed for company and affection. I found it almost impossible to say no. I do love her an awful lot... and always have.

 

Things got better after some time but she was still going round to his house in secret. She would say she was doing something else and seeing a girlfried but take more time than I thought was normal to travel. So one day I drove over to his house and saw her car there, waited for her to come home and calmly told her that I knew something was going on. She eventually agreed to not contact him anymore.

 

We (stupidly) didn't get couple counselling at the time....

 

We then both went back to our mellow life of watching TV, going out with friends for drinks etc. All our activities tended to involve drinking, smoking weed or both though.... But we were essentially happy.  We still obviously were scarred from the previous events. We never dealt with them. To begin with she had asked for forgiveness. But more and more she said nothing happened with the other guy anyway and it was all my fault as I was horrible to her while her brother was dying. So she thought it was all my fault and I thought it was all her fault.

 

Around this time she saw another Psychiatric (not private this time) and he said she could come off all the drugs, she was not BP at all ( I wasn't at this meeting)....  she started to get worse but on seeing him again the psych said she was an alcoholic and a cannabis addict and she only had herself to blame. (I wasn't at this meeting)

 

Someone suggested we go for a holiday, so we booked 2 weeks on an island in the Med and had a terrible time. We argued the whole time or just smothered it with simmering resentment. It was a total failure and we came back thinking we'd get counselling then split if it didn't work.

 

We got counselling but the councillor said she wasn't qualified to deal with us as my wife was way too ill so we resolved to deal with it ourselves. Our sex life was almost non existent. We still loved each other and were great friends but there was something badly wrong. We knew it.

 

We started sleeping together again but there still felt like something was wrong... It felt forced... unnatural. I don't think we trusted each other but neither of us dared admit it.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway back to the present.    She's come out of depression and had a week or 2 of seeming (to me) normal... then over xmas she seemed to be getting manic again (every mince pie she ate was aparently the best one she'd ever tasted, she could go for a 6 mile walk and not feel any tiredness.. etc. etc.) So the psych took her off the Prozac he'd used to lift her mood and left her on Seroquel and another mood stabilizer (I forget its name).

 

She thinks she's healthy. I think she's manic (or hypermanic at least but possibly spiraling upwards (and I'm making it worse as we're stressed)). She's irritable and argumentative. She's unemotional. We've gone back to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I have to be the one to walk away from arguments or she'll probably rage to the point of physical violence, she did the other day and punched, kicked and scratched me, had a half hearted attempt at smothering me with a pillow and threatened to stab me if I didn't leave the house (just for the day i think). It sounds very scary and I was scared...  but thinking about it in hind sight I think she's just desperate.  I'm making her mad (from her perspective) and the only way to stop it is to get me away from her for a short time...

 

I've called her healthcare team for intervention and we're going to the clinic on Monday...  I've been keeping a diary and given details to the clinic nurses.

 

I'm sure I'm making her worse. She hurts me through rejection and I assume it's a repeat of the behaviour before she left me. I see her manic behaviour and it's an echo of the time she left me. It makes me paranoid that she's cheating on me (I have no evidence that she is at al other than her behaviour). She'll go to the shops and be there for hours and hours...  I can't believe that shopping can take THAT long...  (typical male confusion probably lol)  But she's aparently taking an odd amount of time doing other things. She spent hours wrapping my birthday presents the other day... almost 3 hours. I think her ability to comprehend time moving is effected right now. That's one of the things that's so confusing, she's doing things that remind me of when she left me but at the same time doing really nice things for me and being really sweet.

 

I think I'm damaged by her actions in the past and misinterpreting her odd behaviour as she's hyper manic from coming out of depression. She's convinced that she's 100% healthy.  We had a fight (verbal) the other day in front of some old friends, she told me that they all said it was my fault and that I was horrible to her, I had made her mentally ill etc. etc.  But they called me on my mobile themselves and told me that they were worried about her as she was acting manic.

 

So I guess she's either lying or her memory and perception is wrong. As if it doesn't matter what someone says to her as her brain will interpret it in the twisted way that it wants to... ??

 

How will I ever know what's a lie and what's a confused thought? I respect her and usually take the attitude of her being a responsible adult so I should react to what she's saying, but a friend in psych care says you need to step back and almost treat her like a child. It feels offensive towards her...

 

I guess the really big question is can I cope?    I've stopped smoking dope and drinking to be able to manage the situation better.... which means the clouds in my mind are clearing and I'm wondering if this really is the life for me...  Even if I can cope, do I want to?   Will I look back in the future and think I've thrown my life away on a woman who at some point may not even comprehend it?    I'm welling up in tears all the time, it's happening now.  But I have to hide it from her as she'll see it as an attack on her; to her I'm just trying to make her feel guilty (as she is right now anyway). My friends and family can't believe that I have coped for so long and wonder if it was the dope taking the edge off that made it possible. Which makes me wonder if I can cope without it, almost as if I have to smoke dope to stay with her (don't worry, I know that's a screwed up point of view)

 

What's even more frustrating is that her psych (aparently) said she had to stop smoking dope all together (that makes sense) but can carry on drinking a couple of glasses a day (which to her means half a bottle). I'm prepared to stop smoking and drinking in the home all together, but she's not interested... She wants to keep drinking every day (between 1 and 2 large glasses a night, so not excessive but as far as I understand any thing you smoke or drink everyday is basically an addiction). The booze would surely mess up her meds?

 

We're planning on getting couple counselling through the clinic to help (which ever way we end up)

I'm planning on going to a local BP support group too (should I take her if she wants to go?)

 

I feel so confused though as it's like there are 2 sides of me, the hard side is saying "prepare to leave the b*tch" and the softer co-dependent side is saying "she's the love of your life you idiot... help her !!! You can manage"

 

It's hard growing up to the fact that you have to give love freely and not expect an equal amount in return. I feel like my innocence (and part of me) is slowly dying as this goes on.  

 

I know I'm far from perfect and sometimes make her worse but I'm also frightened that I am co-dependent and being a sap.... How the hell do you get it right ? Practise ?

 

Also I find that my view and mood around it cycles terribly, like a grief cycle, crying, angry, hard but reasonable, jollier and less concerned..  It's making me feel like I have some form of bipolar-lite (don't worry, I know I don't and I don't mean to offend any BP sufferers by trivialising it.

 

Why don't clinics virtually insist on couple counselling or spouse training for coping with this...  I feel so isolated. No one else I know has a clue what I'm going though really... only what i can explain to them.

 

Sorry for rambling (I've just thrown this down and not proof read it) and thanks if you take the time to respond....  I've probably given too much information for an introduction?

 

 

(I had to edit out references to illegal drug use per Forum Rule #1 -- serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/6/2009 9:00:56 AM (GMT-7)


DazedAndConfused_UK
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/6/2009 7:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I go and type all that out and then the phone rings, it's my wife calling from work "Let's go sledging !! :) " (It's snowed properly for the first time in years here in the UK).

She sounds like there isn't a care in the world... Blimey BP's confusing !

Admittedly I did sit her down last night and reassure her that I loved her whatever happened and even if we split she was always going to be part of me wether I liked it or not... I reassured her that there was no way that I would screw her over in a devorce and would remain her friend whatever happened. I was trying to remove what I thought was her fear and maybe her reason for lashing out.

I guess it's all about being brave and loving even if she is hypermanic/manic depite it being really scarey (emotionally).

I just hope I can keep it up... roll on marrage counselling !!!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/6/2009 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dazed and Confused_UK,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board.
I heard about your snow. I hope you had a good time sledding.

We have several people on this board who are going through the same things you are, so I'm sure if you stick around they can offer you advice. At this point, I can reassure you that you're doing the right thing: you're getting her into the psychiatrist, you're taking her to counseling, you're making sure she's taking her meds. I'm a little confused about when she last had her meds updated, but if she's still having manic spells, her meds still aren't right, and she needs a new trip to the doc to try and readjust them. She should NOT be drinking or using recreational drugs. I'm not a doctor, obviously, but every doc I've ever heard of says that alcohol only cancels out the effectiveness of the medications and worsens the mania. She's just undoing the good of the medication by drinking every night. You really should try and get her to stop that. Maybe try and get it to just the weekend or something -- lessen the drinking at least.

I think you're a good man for sticking by her and she clearly needs the help and wants to be married to you. But counseling is in order and you're going for that, so that's good. All you can do is work on getting her stable and keep yourself sane in the process. I highly recommend some individual therapy for you, too. It's so hard taking on the job of caring for an unstable bipolar sufferer. You have gone through some very tough times and you have some emotions you need to talk through. You're absolutely welcome to discuss them here with us, but I think a therapist or counselor could help you better learn how to deal with your wife and your own reactions to her more effectively.

Good luck and keep writing. Let us know how you're doing.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


DazedAndConfused_UK
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/6/2009 9:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Serafena, sorry for breaking the rules...

I'd love to get her to reduce drinking but that will almost certainly cause her to become agitated. I'm really walking on eggshells until Monday (and will be for some time after that).

I'm a bit worried that if she's asked to go back in again her and her parents are going to blame me.... but ho hum... what can I do, if she needs to go in and the psychiatrist insists I hope they'll realise I was right about the mania....

I think I will get some personal therapy, it was very useful before.

Thanks again for the advice and support.

shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/6/2009 10:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Dazed and Confused,

Your wife seems go be going through a hypomanic phase. Is she taking any antipsychotics? Sometimes mood stabilizers are not enough. And she should definitely not be drinking. My psychiatrist has forbidden me from drinking even during social events let alone a regular basis.

Your life seems to be quite traumatic - the drugs, your wife's affair, her family's reaction, etc. Counseling will definitely help. I needed a lot of counseling for the one traumatic event in my life when I became psychotic. It is common for patients to develop psychosis if the hypomania remains untreated.

A lot of times, drug addicts show the same symptoms as bipolar patients and I can see how a bad psychiatrist got confused. You have to keep trying till you get a good psychiatrist. I went through 4 who misdiagnosed me and gave me the wrong medication.

You also need to set limits for your wife - she needs to know that she will lose out on you if she has another affair or if she stops taking her medicines or if she drinks and does drugs which nullify the effect of her medication. If your wife knows she has limits, she will take measures to help herself.

I hope you find a psychiatrist and counselor who work for you.

Sheeba

DazedAndConfused_UK
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/6/2009 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sheeba,
 
She's on Seroquel which is an antipsychotic and a mood stabiliser.
 
She's also on lamotrigine (just a mood stabaliser)
 
I've just checked her med kit and there's a little white tablet in there too...  (the other 2 are both yellow) I think it's a type of valium for moments of stress. I was concerned it was prozac for a second but i think they are generally a capsule rather than a little white tablet.
 
The trick with limiting her will be to discuss it with her when she's stable... I guess we'll have to write it down somewhere. The problem is that when she's manic she tends to say tings like "a girl's perogative is to change her mind" and comments like that.. :(  If I tried to talk to her about it now it would just trigger her rage.. I'm doing my best to avoid confrontation until we see the psychiatrist as she only trusts him and his staff. She sees any intervention by me as controlling behaviour rather than caring behaviour. I get the usual "You're not my dad !" comments and "You're trying to make me ill... You like me when I'm depressed so you can control me !" etc.
 
I guess the limiting thing will need to wait for the marriage councelling which we're hoping to get through the same clinic (she trusts them). It will need to be a referal by her psychiatrist.
 
I worry about the booze control thing too as her dad has been told again and again that if he doesn't stop drinking he will die, yet my wife and her mum continue to drink around him (which i feel is almost as bad as encouraging him) If they took the lead he might stand more of a chance to stop. They lost their son to cancer but it seems they are not taking BP mania seriously.. I'd love to tell them that they need to start seeing it like their son's cancer but I'm fairly confident that this action would just cause a family breakdown and I would be even more untrusted....  I did suggest that we removed all trace of alcohol from the house and I will happily give it up too but my wife just said "I'm not stopping drinking, I'm feeling great, you're weird.. me and my mum think you have pot psychosis"
 
So as you can see they would rather blame me for the arguments than realise that their daughter is sick. They don't seem to think it's odd that their daughter is calm about a possible divorce, I think they think that I am just saying that to get my own way. You know how it is, she's their little angel... if it's 50/50 then it must be down to me.... Hence I'm not even bothering to try and call them and talk to them about it. i think it will just cause more stress and reduce my effectiveness as a carer for my wife. It's a shame as I do get on well with them.
 

Post Edited (DazedAndConfused_UK) : 2/6/2009 11:49:14 AM (GMT-7)


shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/7/2009 1:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Dazed and Confused,

A lot of people don't take bipolar seriously. My parents never took my tantrums and my mood swings seriously. When my teachers recommended that I be taken to a psychiatrist, they ignored their suggestions and told me to behave myself. I developed self esteem issues as I was constantly scolded for my mood swings, which were not under my control. After I was diagnosed, my parents thought I could be cured in one year. They could not come to terms with the fact that bipolar is a lifelong condition. Why don't you buy a book like "The Bipolar Child" by Dr. Wes Burgess for your mother-in-law? Maybe she will begin to understand her daughter's odd behavior. I guess it does not help that you have a history of drug use- it makes it easier for your wife and mother-in-law to point fingers at you. But bipolar people can be very manipulative and can find flaws in everyone when they want to get their way. You are very brave for wanting to stick with your wife through her sickness. It is not going to be easy. Your mother-in-law needs to be your ally at this time since you are trying to help her daughter. Without support and help, bipolar people can get into terrible soups. Once when I was alone and hypomanic, I maxed my credit cards, rammed my car into my neighbor's porch and drove around town without a license. Needless to say, I got into a lot of legal trouble and I still have to pay off the loan I took to pay my lawyer's bills. If your wife has a history of alcohol and drug abuse, she could get into a lot of legal trouble especially if she stops her medication and becomes psychotic. Try and make her realize that when she is borderline sane.

Sheeba

DazedAndConfused_UK
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/9/2009 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I was wrong about her mum.. she had called the clinic about her concerns and just hadn't told me as she's not calling me to maintain her trust relationship with her daughter (i assume, makes sense anyway). Maybe I should have been more trusting.

I'm in the dog house for insisting that my wife was drinking more than she claimed though...

On the upside I've arranged counselling via my work for myself and my doc has signed me off work for a week to rest. I recognise that I'm not very good at laying down boundaries and sticking to them so I'll work on that with the counsellor

Now for the her part, living in the same house and not discussing any of my feelings with my spouse.. I'm sure I'll get there with practise. Whether our relationship survives will have to be put off till marriage counselling....
 
I'll probably not post again to keep my counselling clean and simple for the counsellor.
 
Thanks for the support though guys, I really appreciate it.

alone&torn
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 2/9/2009 2:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello all, I am writing today because I just have noone else to turn to. It is actually comforting to hear other people are living the same life as me because I felt I was all alone. My fiance and I have known eachother for 15 years and have been together as a couple for almost 3 years; 3 Years of an emotional ROLLERCOASTER ride! He hasn't been formally diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder but from the research I have done I believe he does have it. He said one a doctor diagnosed him with winter depression....WELL THIS HAPPENS ALL YEAR ROUND!! He has what I like to call Episodes. These episodes range from Mild to SEVERE and can occur several times a month. Mostly I live trying to avoid "Triggers" but what I have noticed is EVERYTHING can be a trigger!! I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, so that has just added stress to the relationship. He is not angry or abusive to my kids (HE KNOWS BETTER!!) but he will take it out on me! He is explosive and impatient often taking me off guard and unable to nutralize a situation. (I often resort to sex because it is one of the only things that will calm him down.) He will almost instantly turn from being as loving and tender as a kitten to an Angry BEAR for no real reason at all!! We have talked about it and he knows his behavior is wrong and wants to fix it (when he is rational that is!) and I have actually seen him stop his own Rage from flaring. But more often than not he will just explode and at that time you CAN NOT talk to him because he is so irrational. During these RAGES he can be VERY CRUEL and belittling he isn't always violent, but there have been a few times where his frustration, hurt and RAGE has turned violent. He has never punched me or anything like that, but I have been shoved, choked, hair pulled, slammed against walls, and lets just say I am trying SO HARD to keep this relationship going, but it is taking an emotional toll on me and I feel drained. I know it's hard to believe, but he is such a LOVING person and it's hard for me just to throw the relationship away, but it's like he has 2 personalities. I have never known someone with Bi-Polar and I believe he is sick and I believe him when he says he wants help and I believe that sometimes he just can't control his feelings. I know that is not an excuse and sometimes I feel like I am making myself a victim of his illness or I am just making excuses for him, but am I? At this time he dosn't have health insurance so getting help from a doctor is out of the question. I don't want to throw everything we have together away. He is GREAT with my kids, he does sooooo many nice things for me, but I just feel like no matter what I do it will never be good enough. I don't want to give up on him because I want a life with him. I have thought about leaving several times, but I do love him and feel like he can change. Unfortunately, I spend so much time focused on him and how to control him that attention is drawn from my kids, which should be my primary focus. I just don't know what to do. My family and friends do not know what is going on, I do a GREAT job at hiding it from them (or just avoid them), which leaves me feeling very alone and empty. I am a strong woman, but I don't know how strong I should be. Any advice from anyone would be appriciated. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON HIM..... PLEASE, is there any hope for us???

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/9/2009 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Alone and Torn,

Well, I'd like to say there is hope for you, but you need to acknowledge that you're in an abusive relationship. The physical violence you describe, while not punching, is violent nonetheless, and still abusive. No illness makes that okay. He can help himself if you lay down the line and stick to your boundaries. The violence not bipolar; that's just him.

If you decide to stay with him, you'll need to get some help. You may not have health insurance but he still needs medical attention, so you've got to be a little inventive and do some research to find programs which will help you pay for your visits to the doc. Most areas have a mental health clinic which sees patients on a sliding scale. In order to find out if he has bipolar, he needs to be seen by a doctor. If he is, the doc will put him on a mood stabilizer, which would hopefully calm some of the mood swings and rages. If not, the doc would have some insight into what else is bothering him.

But I'm concerned about you. It sounds like you've put your life on hold to be with this guy: pushed away your friends and family so they don't see what's going on. That's harsh on you and unfair to them. I sense that money is tight but these clincs also offer counseling. Let me suggest you get yourself some counseling as well to help with your efforts while figuring out how to deal with your fiance. They'll be convenient and you're just as worthy as he is.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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