Struggling with this BREAK UP. No need to read. Just getting it off my chest.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

BPTT
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/14/2009 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Break up/ make up (not the nice kind), Break/ Make up.

I'm so sick of this cycle.

I'm rambling here. Very sorry. Got a pounding headache, but just got to get this off my chest. I know I talk wayyy too much so i will try to edit as I go along.

Relationship got off to a bad start. I'm best friends with his daughter.

Backstory:
Divorced earlier in the year to another bp. Split sent him to the hospital, sent me into the first serious depression of my life. Always Manic/ Hypomanic before, one depression when I was 18. Been Diagnosed as a teenager, But in counselling since a child - everyone "knew" something was wrong with me.

Anyways, so finally feeling back to my old self after months of depression then weeks of sleeping (Depakote) hit the town that night with my girlfriend. We run into her dad at the lounge where she worked and she leaves me to go something/ somewhere. Dad and I end up chatting, very cool, very nice. Told him Im bipolar. Says his ex was ocpd (?) Hit it off. He calls me the next day and takes me for a drive. We end up back at my place still talking into the morning. He never leaves. All we do is talk. Seems like we have so much of the values and like we'd known each other for a long time cause I already knew SOOOO much about him.

Anyways, we try to keep it less physical but a few weeks later its my birthday and finally bada bing bada and IM PREGNANT!!!!! No no no. I couldnt believe it. Three separate forms of contraception that I continued to use not knowing i was carrying.

So, my upbringing (very religious background) means we get married. Im not rushing it but thats the plan. He's happy with me, never been treated so well. Yes will marry. Great.

Doctor suggests comming off meds. (before the great depression i experienced, I was off meds for about 6 years. Only on when doc prescribes. Very High Functioning (makes me laugh now))

DIFFICULT pregnancy - always sick. Immidiately start gaining weight - very sensitive about it too because boyfriend is a fitness freak and Im already bigger than he liked. Not working yet (had my own advetising/marketing consultancy) becuase I pretty much destroyed it by being out of touch and out of the loop for so many months. Depressed. Can barely get out of bed each day. Certainly can't think creatively. Not even clearly.

He's caring and supportive for first 3 months. He starts asking about money, I only had 30 or 40 in the bank. (did i mention that i blew 000000 just before the depression). Hes getting worried becuase he just invested in a new biz, so not really making money. I kept reassuring him that it would come. I'd always had clients calling. When I got around to letting them kow i was back in business - nothing.

No work. Ok this is usually my slow period. But nothing. I got more depressed. he was very cold. No conversation. No sex. Just locked up. Angry. Worrying. He would flip on me like a switch. We had a housekeeper but the house was always too dirty for him. Food not ready on time. didnt like what was prepared.

He was angry and didnt know how to deal with it. No amount of coaxing would get him to open up.
He rejects my every advance to touch him. sexual or not. Constantly tells me about my weight. I DID get huge - put on an amazing 80 pounds during the pregnancy.

We can barely make ends meet. We go from having 3 new or newish cars to 2 then to 1 that needs alot of repairs. My doctor bills are enormous. We move from a new gated community to a dumpy little house. At least the neighbourhood was good.

I am so sensitive to everything he does, every perceived rejection. It keeps driving me to tears and him crazy.

He will not try at all to deal with anything. Not even to go out one night to try to have some fun - try to change the pace a bit. Says he feels alone. Thinks no one is talking him seriously. Things he asks me to do (that he didnt get right away) were either done to slowly for me which showed lack of interest to him or I forgot totally.

I WAS Trying. We had connected so well, and all the little good times in between, I fell in love with him and was trying hell hard. I swear that everything i did everyday with every bit of me was to try to make him comfortable, happy. I took a big interest in his company and we talked alot about it, i tried to help him with some decisions he faced.

He said he loved me all throughout up to this day. But he never again reached out to me. Withheld his affection apart from a quick peck whenever he left the house.

We fought all the time becuase i was hurt from his constant rejection and his disinterest in trying to work things out. he felt i was being too sensitive and he was stressed all the time.

He started flirting with some of his female friends throug emails. Joined a ton of online dating sites (to just look mad )

we finally had this big fight when he told me that he has just been waiting for the end and he cant help it if he is not attracted to me. And he was angry cause i slept all the time. he didnt understand how i could be so lazy. Everything he said tore into me. I hated him. He betrayed me as far as i was concerned. Everyday I kept trying to keep a smile for him, to keep some intimacy between us and he didnt really want it but never said anything. Didnt he even try to understand me? I felt like a fool. i told him to get out. he wouldnt - it was his house. he was so smug and I felt so worthless and cheap and hurt. I pulled all his clothes off the rack and threw them on the floor.

He has never forgiven me for that. says i frighten him. this is a karate black belt. A man whose known for being strong - could floor me in a second.

But he said he loved me, we would try. He didnt or couldnt. everytime we fight, I tell him if you dont want me or this let me leave. otherwise you have to try. I cant take feeling like a nuciance/ unwanted.

We go out one night with a friend of his. i tell him i want to drink to get "sweet" - Had not had alcohol in 13 months. So excited to go out with him again.
Maybe its the bipolar thing, but I think its my genes and my weight - i can hold my alcohol. It takes a bit for me to have any even mild reaction. I didnt overdo it. Real problem was the drink was $75. I had 3. Then i had a third for $25. I paid for all my drinks except the first one just so there would be nothing for him to complain about. On the last drink he tells me about getting drunk and bad things that happen to women who drink heavily and whatnot. I'm like "but babe Im with you and Im not trying to get drunk but i would like to feel a buzz, have some fun with you"
Apparantly his friend made the same comment to him to me that I "could drink". I dont think this embarrassed him because I in no way behaved inappropriately. I stood next to him the whole time. Very quiet actually. This is something else he holds against me.

Doesnt happen. Finally I move out and we say we will use this time to sraw close together. But of course, we are no part of his plans. He goes out never invites me. Always too tired to visit. When I call, too busy.

Everything he used to complain about me when I was with him has changed over the last 3 months. Im getting better. My house is exceptionally clean. Im up everyday. i lost nearly 40 pounds and counting. I have been getting some work (just a little) but i have been working alot on getting some more. I am trying some new meds, that have been helping.

So I wait and see how things will change.

Then I checked his email one day (as I did from time to time with his knowledge to read these jokes a particular friend of his sends) and I notice that hes been sending her suggestive email. I told him about it. Asked him to stop and too with the online dating. I was very explicit about how it made me feel and how he would react if I was doing the same thing. he promised me to stop.

He didnt. I checked his email again. This time to check up on him and saw the same thing and some new ones. Hes so mad at me for questioning him he tells me he did it to get a rise from me (oh please!). I ask him how he could do something that he knows hurts me just to get me angry. Such a stupid excuse.

Well he stops. For the most part.

When I try to talk to him on the phone he avoids all my questions, switching the subject or saying things like why do you always run up your phone bill, or why do you have to analyse everything and then hangs up the phone on me becuase I wont end the conversation because he hasnt answered one question for me.

I just want to know for sure - hear it from his mouth that he doesnt want me. Becuase while he acts like a selfish pig. i know he has his own issues and one of them is communication the other is anger management, the third is insecurity acting as superiority.

He tells me now that i have brought him to his knees becuase I borrowed some money from him (first time) for two weeks because a client paid 3 weeks late. I only sked for the rent - not even for food or baby things even though my house was empty. He hates living like this.

He thinks I dont want to work, I want to live on handouts. The reason he never tells ne anything nice is because there is nothing good to say about me so he says nothing at all.

I am so mad he could even think those things (he dare not believe them) That I ask someone else to lend me the money just so I can give him back. Not something I would EVER want to do. Thankfully its just for 3 days.

Its so hard to get him to visit. To do anything with me. He says Im too needy. What? Any request for ANY affection is such a chore to him. The fact that this is a problem that has snowballed for months without ever being delt with... why? is the question I keep asking.

So its all out now. And after all that Ive been through he tells me that its the bipolar disorder. He cant deal with it. And he read online that it takes a lifelong commitment by the person and their spouse. But its really up to the bipolar person to control themselves. And that 90% of these marraiges fail. And the men always seem to suffer and end up in counselling after trying to deal with their bipolar wives blah blah blah blah - makes me so angry.

Whenever I'd ask him to find out more about being bipolar, whenever I'd tell him that stress at home is my biggest trigger thats why i like to make up and resolve very quickly - cant take tension, whenever I'd suggest counselling - he never listened.

So he's off partying hard without me, talking up his chicks on the net Im sure. And Im home writing this with one eye closed cause of this dang headache. Crying all the time.

I know he's a ****** but I'm bipolar and I know it affects those around me - I just wanted him to at least make an effort. I'm willing to do pretty much anything to keep it under control. If he had tried at all, i wouldnt feel so worthless.

Again, Im sorry if you read through this whole thing and there were alot of typos. Or I was incoherant. Like I said one eye only, crying and a headache.

shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/15/2009 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear BPTT,

Your husband sounds like an abusive man. He is just using the bipolar disorder excuse to rationalize his own abusive behaviour. My father used to behave in a similar fashion with my mother and neither of them have bipolar. She was never sophisticated enough for him, he never had enough money to spend on her (but he had enough money to spend on my sister and my university education in the U.S., buy expensive cars for himself and expensive gifts for his nieces - very perverted), her cooking was never good enough for him, she never kept the house clean enough for him (we had a maid to clean), my mother's relatives were not good enough for him, my mother's friends were all freaks, the list goes on. My mother is not courageous enough to go through a divorce or through a trial separation so I suggested a couples counselor. They haven't gone to one in the last 10 years so what has ended up happening is that my mother has become bitter and has developed a co-dependent personality. My sister and I hate having them around us and we hate being in the house because it is too painful for us to deal with my father's abuse and my mother's helplessness. I am just telling you their story because you need to take action before your behaviour begins to show its negative effect on your child. If your husband does not go for counseling and you end up staying with him, both you and the child will develop psychological issues. The child will end up hating you both for the toxic environment he or she will grow up in. Seek help for your child's sake if not for your own sake. Today I have a co-dependent personality and I hate my parents for it. My sister has become insensitive and ruthless as a defense mechanism. Does it sound like a pretty picture?

Sheeba

BPTT
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/15/2009 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh Sheeba

Thanks for writing. I AM very concerned about my son treating women the way i think his father treats me. I'm torn between trying to get us into counselling to try to get things on track because I don't want him growing up in a single parent household and staying in this mess and have him grow up seeing his mother and father fighting.

He is older than I am by 20 years. He says that he is too old to change. That he knows what he does not like and he thinks its not worth it to try - even for our sons sake. He says hes not abandoning me (which I believe he has - emotionally a long time ago), he just cant deal with the bipolar stuff and doesnt want to support me while I try to see what works for me and get things a bit more setteled.

My (Failed) strategy was to stop arguing, show him the good side of what life is usually like with me as much as i can seeing that my circumstances have done a complete 180. Thing is when we have a good day or days he doesnt acknowledge it as something. He goes back to his life away from us. I do feel used and like we are a convenience. When I was still living with him and he would turn away from me I wouldnt be able to get the noise in my head to stop. I would go outside to try to put things in perspective but end up crying so hard cause I just couldnt stop thinking about how heartlessly he was treating me. I wanted to run away. I have to say that during this time, I had constant suicidal thoughts - not plans, just a real good desire for death to take me. I would jump in the car and go for a drive, to get away. I'd stay on a very busy main road or a very busy gas station to try to be safe. I just had to get away from him. He thinks this is reckless. I felt I was protecting myself. I couldnt lie down next to a wall while I was hurting so badly.

Now that Im on my own, its to cut off all contact with him forever. He actually thinks we can be friends. I dont want someone who could not support me through what has been the hardest part of my life as a friend.

Now I end up talking him to death. Its compulsive. I cant get my brain to shut up. He doesnt get that I NEED a resolution, so many months of endless conversations have created a swirling mess in my head. I NEED to talk about it. He just doesnt give me any answers or the few that I get dont make sense. And when he tells me he still loves me I feel I must try to get him to see the value of us as a family. Even though he says he doesnt want to.

I wish I could shut up and have peace in my head.

Do you think that my mood swings turned him off? I think so. I know that his reactions to me snowballed mine, because he still can't see what he's done to me.

I definitely don't want to be co-dependent. He already thinks i see him as the key to my happiness.

I want to go back to the old me but I wish that we could have built a loving home for my son.

Thanks
BPTT

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 2/15/2009 9:09 AM (GMT -7)   

BPTT;

O.k. here's my take on your situation based on what you have said. In regards to your husband's behaviour, (sorry if this stings a little) it sounds to me like he thought he had found him a young little party girl to support his midlife crisis,(I am guessing he is in his late 40's / early 50's from your description) then things spiraled & next thing you know he has a wife & kid again. Now he has to go thru that whole phase of his life again. He obviousy doesn't want that & blames you (inwardly) for throwing that on him when he was living the good life before this happened. Add in the BP on top of that & it has made a situatuion that he could have never imagined.

Like I said, I don't fully know your situation, but that is my take based on what you have told us. Relationships are hard, no matter what the situation, it takes both people wanting to make it work. If one isn't willing or doesn't care, then nothing the other does will make any difference.

Take care of yourself & your child, this is the only thing that you can control. What he decides for himself is completely out of your hands.

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


shebsy
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/15/2009 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear BPTT,

I think you should seek counseling for yourself. You have gone through a lot of pain and you need a lot of support. Your husband is much older than you and much smarter at playing games. Bipolar does cause problems but I think a man of his age and his experience should be able to handle a medicated patient (after all, he has a daughter of your age and having had a family should have taught him a little about love, caring, making a relationship work, etc.). Also, if he values you and the child's future, he should be willing to get help to make it work. The fact that he is unwilling to get help is proof that he is not making any effort. A sane single parent is better than two warring parents.

Sheeba

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/15/2009 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
BPTT:

I have to echo Rocketman and Sheeba here. You don't need to blame yourself. I think he left you emotionally long before your marriage was over, and I don't think the bp was the reason for that. He sounds like a man who wants something with little responsibility, who wants a "perfect" wife who will cook and clean and keep her mouth shut, but you didn't turn out to be that girl, so he's STILL LOOKING!!!! even though he's married (a fact which I find shocking and really disturbing).

Take care of yourself. Your marriage sounds like it's over. He's treating you impossibly badly. He should be volunteering you money to help take care of your son, not blaming you for needing it. He needs to pay child support, and you're going to need a lawyer to help get you through the divorce. Don't say you don't want his money. You're going to need it, and he needs to take responsibility and pay it. If you can, get a counselor to help you navigate through this hard time. You could really use some back up. This is really difficult stuff you're dealing with. He's been very unkind to you and you deserve better.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 10, 2016 11:49 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,972 posts in 301,342 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151440 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Ian88.
274 Guest(s), 15 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
blueberrymuffin, wthj53, TOOTY, tennisplayer, tickcheckguy, getting by, pmm73, stevclemon, AnnabelleLee, InTheShop, Ariel Smith, Mustard Seed, bdavis, Csweeney1002, Noni9


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer