Whose to blame in bipolar relationship?

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BPTT
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/14/2009 10:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Im sure some of you have noticed from my last entry but Im all over the place.

I realized yesterday that I need a change/ increase something with my meds.


Does anyone else have a spouse/ partner etc that thinks your being bipolar means you are to blame for every problem in the relationship? Use it as their own free pass?

And does anyone else have a spouse/ partner who does not accept that their behaviour can trigger you?

My boyfriend read as well that bipolar people tend to blame everyone for how they feel, tend to think that everyone treats them badly, they are victims etc. And therefore, my feeling that he treats me badly at any given time is imagined - My bipolar ways caused the problem and my bipolar sensitivities think its his fault

Is all the info on bipolar relationships on the web about failures???

Right now Im really tired of being bipolar. :)

Post Edited (BPTT) : 2/15/2009 8:40:27 AM (GMT-7)


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 2/14/2009 11:47 PM (GMT -7)   

I found some links for you: 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Bipolar-Relationships--Taking-Steps-To-Make-Life-More-Pleasant&id=827126 

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/features/bipolar-romantic-relationships-dating-and-marriage 

I know that I personally had to take responsibility for what I was doing to set my DH off.  Yes, ME!  It took going to marriage counselling and listening to my DH tell our counsellor everything that he's told me, but having our counsellor INTERPRET what my husband was saying and what the counsellor got was NEVER what I though my husband was saying (or trying to say).... (does that make sense?)  My DH would make a statement to the counsellor - the counsellor would then provide feedback to what he thought my husband was saying and my husband would (usually) say "YES, that's it" - and i'd be like "THAT'S what you heard from that statement???"  You have to remember that there is usually a lot of hurt in bipolar relationships from one partner to the next, at least from what i've personally experienced as well as reading some of the things that others have gone through on here.  But I don't think it's fair to always pinpoint it to one person.  Even though one person in the relationship is bipolar, there are still 2 people IN that relationship.

I fully believe thanks to counselling that my behaviour can in fact set my husband off.  Doesn't mean that I can always stop myself from "lashing out" in a negative way because old habits are hard to break, but I'm quicker to acknowledge my mistakes and own up to it and you know, i've even learned to apologize to him..........................that one was a hard one to learn!  I also read a book by Dr. Laura called the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - a lot of women will probably be offended even by the title but I tell ya, there are some instances in that book that could be taken from our relationship - and when you hear how it feels from your partner's point of view and how hurt they are, it really makes you think.

If your boyfriend truly cares about your feelings then maybe you could allow him to talk with your doctor or psychiatrist and maybe they can explain that he does have the ability to cause harm to the relationship - - in whatever specific ways he's being condescending!

((HUGS))


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


BPTT
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/15/2009 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much for the articles BD_spouse

Thats exactly what I need! I know that our biggest problem is COMMUNICATION. He definitely doesn't understand what Im saying and certainly don't get his point of view.

I don't think there was any malice initially, but it has been like a small wound that festered into a gaping sore.

Now if only he would WANT to take that step.

The other thing is, I want him to do it with me. He thinks i should go fix myself and prove to him that i can be stable. I dont want someone who wont help me cope though my tough times. ive had an entire lfe of stability. I had a great business until this depression - last one was over 12 years ago. I have many accomplishments. he doesnt see this.

I know that my illness and my behaviour is a big part of the problem and I WILL do WHATEVER I have to control it - for all our sakes.

How does your husband help you?

Thanks so much for advice!!!
BPTT

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/15/2009 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Based on your other post BPTT,

I think the bp definitely causes problems in relationships -- communication problems especially -- but I agree with Rocketman that your husband is probably just using it as an excuse so he doesn't have to face his own lack of communication problems too. There are two sides to every relationship, remember. BP is a problem, but in your case, it's not the only one.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


countingalways
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 2/16/2009 6:51 AM (GMT -7)   
i know it's hard for you being blamed, but you can just understand what she is undergoing right now. things will improve one day. i also have bipolar and i am feeling better now. i am on vilift and i really love it. i feel good and getting better each.

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 2/17/2009 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband acknowledges his part in our lack of communication and our problems. Like serafena said, bipolar is a "problem" but not the only one. Many things can complicate a relationship. We went to a couple of couples workshops. One specifically on Communication and another one on Handling Conflict. I'm tellin ya, they were lifesavers! But it will only work if you have a willing partner.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


clickhere
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 2/17/2009 10:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi BPTT

The title of your post instantly lead my mind to a book called Boundaries.

I read this book during the last of my life-long stream of bad, difficult and confusing relationships.
It taught me so many things about how to deal with people (boyfriends). These days I can't imagine that I ever lacked such basic understanding and relationship skills -no wonder I was shouting all the time!
A few months later I met the man that I have now been with happily, for 13 years (and neither of us need to shout :-) )
At first I found the lack of conflict disturbing and wondered if lack of drama = lack of love, but I worked through that. Gradually, it dawned on me that I was now in a healthy functional relationship.
Having received an abusive and neglecting upbringing, my previous relationships consisted of being madly in love (and arguing at the same time) and then leaving 3-9 months later in the hope of a better relationship.But without changing my understanding and the way I related, not much was gonna change, was it?!



I have a few short things to say, for you to think about;
Its not your fault that he treats you badly, but it is your fault that you let him.
However, you are probably thinking that, perhaps you only think that he's treating you badly.Perhaps you need to understand your husbands actions, and perhaps you are right.
It sounds to me like you are confused.
Sometimes we do wrongly interperet the actions of others based on the past and assume meanings that aren't there.
eg my ex partner used to buy me flowers when they had been unfaithfull, so when my new partner buys me flowers, it means they are cheating also.

But you should never allow yourself to have any confused thoughts about physical violence. If your husband hits, smacks, pushes, spits at, or restrains you (other than to stop you falling off a cliff) you should leave him PERIOD. If you dont concur 100% with that statement then you are in serious need of help. Please make sure you get some.

Mental abuse is a more difficult issue, we need skills and understanding to enable us to deal with this.Its great when we understand more about such stuff, when instead of being confused, we know how to deal with things and actually get them sorted out.
Anyway, forgive me if you found my post a little incoherent, it is past 4 am here and I am tired.
I hope that I added something helful, as was my intention.
Wishing you luck, self love and courage- to do what needs to be done and to ask what needs to be asked.

(I had to edit out the link -- no links to commercial sites are permitted, thanks, serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/18/2009 9:45:46 AM (GMT-7)


clickhere
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 2/17/2009 11:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again
Sorry, the link in my above post is to the wrong book!.
Its been a while since I read it, and I didnt realize that there are 2 books called 'boundaries"!
anyway, here is the one that I read

The other one is Christian based and does sound rather good too.


(same thing here -- I had to edit out the link. Rather, post the title and author, and let BPTT look it up herself. Thanks, serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/18/2009 9:46:54 AM (GMT-7)

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