When is it enough to say, enough....

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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/19/2009 11:38 AM (GMT -6)   
How does one decide enough is enough? For 17 months, I have lived with a BP wife who has done so much to cause so much destruction in the home, when is enough, enough? She lost her 3 children to her ex, because of her BP. I was forced to go through a child abuse investigation because her ex used it to keep from sending the children back after I sent them to him because of her medical condition. The investigation was closed 6 months later for lack of evidence to substantiate the claims, after they put me through hell. I lost visitation with my own children because my exwife used my BPwife condition to keep my kids from seeing me. (exwife sought any excuse to keep the kids from me) We lost our house, car, lost my job, and no matter how hard I work to start over, her behaviors destroy what I rebuild, and we have to start from scratch again. In one of her rages, she accused me of hitting her, and so DCF requires me to go to batterers intervention. I never touched her. She has been baker acted 3 times in the past year, twice for trying to commit suicide, and once for digging her nails so deep into my arm she caused me to bleed badly, leaving finger nail scars for weeks. Now I have to go and sit through batterers intervention meetings each week, and come home and watch her rage out of control. For example, this morning, we wake up, she starts freaking out about her day, and rips into me because I decided to go in the kitchen to make myself some toast. She demands it is her job, and she will get to it when she does. I told her I was hungry, and that all I was doing was making toast. She flew into a rage, and started, yet again, spiraling into irrational behaviors. I decided to go into the bathroom to take a bath, to calm down. My chest was pounding profusely. I don't do well with screaming and yelling. She came into the bathroom, demanded I talk to her, even though she was being irrational in her demands. I told her I was taking a bath, and that I would talk to her when I got out. She continued her barrage of yelling, demanding I talk to her. She tried every tactic to bait me into talking to her, but I remained calm. Every once and a while I restated I wanted her to leave the bathroom, let me take a bath, and that I would talk to her afterwards. Failing every attempt, including getting louder and louder, she came over to the tub, put her hand on my head, and started shaking my head from side to side. Finding this to be a waste of time as well, she went back to screaming and yelling at me, until she finally went out of the bathroom. This went on for about an hour, until she realized the futility of her actions.
As a result, I had to cancel my job for the morning, since this scenario caused me not to get to work on time. I am self employed, doing different jobs each day. The emotional trauma I endure due to her behaviors is very difficult for me to cope with. I tell her I can not talk to her when she is behaving this way because I don't know how. All the counseling, the doctors, nobody knows what to tell me on how to deal with her when she gets like this. She even tells them that once she is out of control, nobody can stop her. How do I get out??? We have a 17 month old baby, she has no transportation, no job. 6 months ago I tried taking the baby and getting out, but she went to my vindictive exwife and they both filed a child abduction charge against me. It turned out to be bogus because I took the baby under police protection. (I had called the police because she was out of control, but they wouldn't baker act her) So, the police helped me while at the house when I took the baby. (a tiny detail neither my wife nor my exwife told the police when they filed the report)  I even notified her doctor, who suggested it was probably a good idea to take the baby away from her, maybe that would cause her to take her meds.  This is the type of irrationality I am living with. How do I get out and protect the baby? She knows how to calm herself and lie when needed. I've seen her do it. She would be raging out of control, but, the moment the police show up, she is as calm as can be, and emphatically lie to them that I don't know what I am talking about. What a nightmare.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I cannot function under these conditions, but, if I take the baby and go, who knows what else they can do to me. I can't put her out, it is illegal to lock her out of the house. The batterers intervention counselor suggests I file a domestic violence injunction against her, putting her out of the house, but I don't trust the court system, they seem to make matters worse. What can I do, short of just leaving and not looking back? Please help...

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 125
   Posted 2/19/2009 1:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear try2cope,

Trusting the court system is the only way you can protect yourelf legally and ensure a safe future for yourself and your child. If your wife has violent outbursts despite taking medication, then it has something to do with her personality and not with bipolar. Usually the violence associated with mania goes away with medication.

I am sorry she is making you suffer so much. You need to get help before it is too late. File a complaint against her and hope for the best. The court system may not be perfect but it can help you much better than anyone else can.


New Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/19/2009 2:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the input... It is very difficult to actually go down and file a complaint...

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/19/2009 3:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi trying2cope,

Welcome to HealingWell and the bipolar board. I'm sorry for the chaos you're enduring. It sounds awful.

We can offer you some ideas and some support, but you really need to be talking to a lawyer about how to get out of this marriage legally and quickly. That's the best way to make sure you are taking care of your baby and keeping irrational mom out of the picture. It's really unfortunate she won't get her treatment evaluated. She clearly is manic and needs hospitalization.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

New Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/19/2009 4:28 PM (GMT -6)   

Thank you for your thoughts. I wish things were as simple as getting an attorney to get me out of this marriage legally and quickly. The courtsystem here in Florida heavily favors the mother, even if she were abusive. Consider what would have happened to me if I dug my fingernails into her skin, causing her to bleed. The police would have taken me straight to jail, BP or not. If I would have tried to kill myself, leaving the baby in the other room, and the police had to break down the door to get to me, the baby would have been removed from me permanently. If I would have endangered my children by trying to take over the steering wheel while she was driving on the highway, forcing her to go straight to the police station because I was so out of control, I wouldn't have been baker acted, but imprisoned. Even when I called the family services department to tell them my wife was making suicidal threats, nobody listened, until it actually happened. If she was calling them about me, they would have sent the cops over to have me removed from the house. I've learned from my exwife how manipulative a woman can be to get her way, even if she is wrong, and lying. I've learned that a lie is used to create a smoke screen, a way to confuse the actual facts, forcing the system to consider the man is at fault, until proven otherwise. I couldn't manage 3 of her kids, an infant, my job, and her out of control behaviors, so I called the father and offered him his kids for the summer. He was over $6000 behind in child support, and hadn't seen his kids in more than 2 years. He agreed to take them, and, next thing I know, I am being accused of child abuse so he didn't have to send them back from Arizona where he lives. I am so sick of the court system. Yes, the case was closed, but the grief I sustained as a result of the investigation was horrendous. I did nothing wrong, but take care of my family. Now, I don't believe going to the court to try to get out with the baby is going to yield desired results. She constantly threatens me to accuse me of child abuse, battering, etc. if I ever take the baby again. I need to get out, I just don't know how...

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 2/20/2009 12:43 PM (GMT -6)   
I haven't read a lot of the replies but my first instinct is to tell you to grab that baby and get out. That baby deserves so much more and it doesn't matter what you think "MIGHT" happen, you need to try. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for an innocent little child that depends on YOU to keep them safe from a mother that could unintentionally (or even intentionally if things got out of hand) hurt the child or themselves. You can't compare your situation to other people. If you need to start filing police reports so that when it does come down to the wire, you have back up and paper evidence of what she's done. ((HUGS)) my heart goes out to you.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 2/20/2009 1:33 PM (GMT -6)   

Trying to cope;

I'll just say that I would echo everything that everyone else has said. Even if the laws favor the mother, if there is a recorded history of her violent behavior (911 calls, police reports, medical records) then it seems that it would tip the scales a little bit. Document everyting & have witness to it if at all possible.

Best of luck to you, take care of your baby and yourself.


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 2/23/2009 6:43 PM (GMT -6)   
My spouse is not abusive thankfully so I haven't had to consider these things. I'm very new to these forums so this type of comment may have been covered before.

I'm wonderting if there is any value in trying to record her behaviors through audio or video? (I'm thinking a strategically placed cell phone) While it might not be able to be used against her, could it be used to protect you when she lies to the police?
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