4mygirl, I hear your cries saying, "I don't know how much longer I can do this". Given what you have described, we can all understand that feeling. The thing is, while choosing to stay is a fine choice, please understand, choosing to put down the gauntlet is alright too. There is no one here who would judge you for choosing to say enough, it is time to focus on the kids and yourself and rebuild your lives, visiting with mommy when she is well enough, but letting go of the marriage, and moving into love and caring for her as a family member you simply choose not to live with anymore either. Please understand I am not encouraging you to either stay or go, only you know what you can handle or want. But I sometimes think that what keeps some of the spouses in these situations is not realizing you have a right to leave it if you want too. It is also okay to look at your own life and say you have had enough and want to let go. After all, what makes our spouses any more important than us? They're not, and our health and happiness need to count on the value scale as much as theirs do. No it would not be any of our first choices to leave, but sometimes we don't get our first choices to have spouses whose conditions stabalize and we get our partner and lives back. Sometimes we do. Sometimes it is a matter of hanging in there long enough. But sometimes that day, as sad as it is, has gone, and our loved one, as we knew them, is gone. And either we make peace with the new person who is now here, or we don't.
I will share with you that my situation is highly different from yours. My H does not suffer from BP at the level you discribe, his is milder. BUt please understand, by no means does that mean it is a easy life with him. His irritability, low frustration tolerance, and snarling can be daily events as he rapidly cycles - over NOTHING. I am lonely a lot in this relationship. And to make things harder, my two boys also are BP/ADHD (15 & 8 years). Only my daughter (age 8) seems clear of the BP, but she may have some ADHD issues as yet to be determined. So....life is NEVER easy. More pleasant some times than others, but never easy. I tell you this to point out, that if my H suffered at the level as you wife, I don't know that I would want my kids to have to daily be faced with the issue of dealing with this day in and day out, as they grow. I may want to create an environment of stability, love and safety for them, while encouraging a healthy relationship with mom when she is capable. The fact is, I don't walk in your shoes. ONLY YOU DO, and ONLY you can make the best decision for yourself, and your kids. Like I said at the beginning....ONLY you know the right thing to do, but it is important to understand you will not be judged if you ever choose to leave....and whatever choice you make is alright. MY best wishes for you. LFW