Sukay how are you?

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loving frustrated wife
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   Posted 2/26/2009 3:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Sukay, I just saw you on the boards and realized we haven't seen you in what feels like a long time.  HOW ARE YOU?  How have things been in your world? Hugs to you!  LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 3/1/2009 9:59:00 AM (GMT-7)


sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
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   Posted 3/5/2009 6:32 AM (GMT -7)   
 
 
Hello LFW,
 
I've been around but I'm sorry, I didn't see your post until today!
 
As far as how I'm doing,... I am on the mend.  I have been under a lot of stress lately.  It seems that I have been pretty passive with my idea of how my mood swings have been.  (You know...those around us have a better opinion of how we REALLY come across.) Well that denial left me to become completely out of control.
 
My husband decided it was time to make an ASAP appt. with my therapist and to go with me. He explained his concerns/observations to my therapist and it was suggested that I see my Psych for a medication change/tweaking ASAP.  I am so uncomfortable with these big shifts in my moods.  They're getting worse that I too can see the difference as well.  I just want to get leveled already.
 
I saw my Psych on Monday and he did increase my mood stabilizer and I hope that will kick in soon. I see him again in 2 weeks and if it's not working he will come up with another plan.
 
So that is where I am at.  I've been around reading posts but I haven't been replying because I have been very impulsive lately with things and I don't want to say something that I might be sorry for later.  But I have been reading that you are going through a lot of stuff as well and I am really sorry for that.  I hope things get much better for you.  I don't know where you get all of your strength!!!
 
Wishing you wellness! 
 
 
 

~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
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   Posted 3/7/2009 12:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sukay, I wrote this long response to you last night and all of a sudden the screen goes blank and I lost my whole message. So, I suppose that was Gods way of saying be more brief! LOL So, in a nutshell, here is what I said, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so destabilized. I can only imagine how hard it is. I know my own H has shared (and I can certainly tell) that his meds have been off of some time and I see what he is struggling with. So, my heart goes out to you. BUT, I will also say that you should be WAY proud of yourself, even in the mist of it, because you are really doing some brave and wonderful things you should really pat yourself on the back for....LIKE.....truly trusting those around you and being willing to let them guide you; being honest with yourself and others of how you are really feeling inside; being open to take whatever steps necessary to get help and strive for stability; and from what I can see owning your behavior - so much so that you are stopping yourself during a time you don't feel as trustworthy with your impulses to step back and not even post here in fear that you might say something you really don't mean so you are waiting until you can feel ready to mean your words again....now that is ownership! Now those are super things that I say....YOU GO GIRL to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As to me, like I said, H is struggling with meds. Being anti-social to a degree, very LOW tolerance for ANYTHING, growls easily, can't REALLY talk about much before overwhelm hits. Gets upset with kids being kids....it "overwhelms" him. SO....there it is for H. Kids are okay except that my youngest son is struggling to get meds right and it is hard. Work for me if HORRID and I am desperately seeking new employment. Can't take much more of boss, and a couple of co-workers there. So...there it is for me.

While I am sorry for your current struggles, I sure am glad to hear from you. BIG HUGS TO YOU! LFW

sukay
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   Posted 3/13/2009 9:11 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi LFW,

Thank you for caring and taking the time to post. I hope things are better for you. I can only imagine what you are going through. It has to be very frustrating and very draining on every level of your energy. I'm sending good thoughts your way in hope that the perfect job finds it's way to you.

You have so much going on at home too. Are you still getting therapy for yourself? I'm sending (((BIG HUGS))) your way! I hope that you can feel them as you read this!

I'm still hangin tough! The new med change has only helped an inch. I see my Psych. on Monday again and he will definitely have to either increase my meds BIG TIME or start me on something new.

I can't tolerate much more of this! I'm rapid cycling so fast, up and down throughout the whole day. I’m very irritable and I feel so sorry for my hubby. He gets very annoyed with me…and who can blame him? I try to tell him how difficult it is for me right now and to just not snap back at me because it only makes me want to snap right back at him and then we progress to an argument. I don’t expect him to just take my irritability but I need for him to understand that I am in a very difficult place right now and I am doing all I can to try to get better but the new med adjustment just isn’t working. He knows I’m seeing my therapist weekly right now and I’m seeing my Psych on Monday. I just need for him to bear with me right now. I don’t mean to be so irritable but it just comes out of me and REALLY at this point I can’t control it.  It's really NOT ME!

I know it is hard for him too and it’s not fair for him to go through this. I’m not doing this on purpose and I’m really trying to get my meds right. I don’t know what more I can do. I told him that maybe he should just really try to not interact with me until things get better. But that is easier said then done. We do live together and have to communicate.

I understand what he is going through but I don’t think that he can actually understand what I am going through. He gets so mad at me for how irritable I am but I’m seriously having a difficult time right now.

My therapist suggested that maybe my Psych might suggest that I go into the hospital to get a flushing out of all my current meds and try to start over. I don’t want that and neither does my husband. I hope we can fix this without that happening.

Ugh! I seem to do the best when I am just all alone. shakehead

~Wishing you and I better days ahead~


~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


serafena
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   Posted 3/14/2009 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
((((Sukay))))

It's good to hear from you. I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. I know it's hard to post when you're feeling so crummy, but let us know what happens with your meds. I'll be curious and wondering how you're doing.

Thanks!
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


loving frustrated wife
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   Posted 3/15/2009 11:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Sukay, my friend, BIG HUGS back to you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am sorry you are feeling so destabilized.  I see similar issues with my H right now.  I doubt to the extreme you are feeling them, but they are there none the less.  As a spouse, I have empathy for your hubby as well as you.  Neither side of this is pleasant.  It is a shared experience, just from opposite ends of the experience.  I will share however, for whatever it is worth, that if my H snaps, and I feel a snap coming back at him....and that whole tree thing starting, I do find disengaging with him helpful.  But I also find it helpful when he hears himself over-react and on the VERY RARE of moments....steps back and says, "Stop...I didn't mean how bad that came out, you know what I meant...don't say anything back to me right now!"  It seems to get me off the hook because it is at least in that moment I don't feel like I have to defend myself.  Which most times I do.  Maybe, when you catch yourself, you can at least say that to your H and maybe avoid one of those arguments?

I want whatever it is that helps you get the right meds, at the right levels for you.  Hang in there sweetie and recognize that you WILL get to the other side of this...I don't know when, but you will.  I sometimes think that women have it rougher than men in trying to keep meds level because of all the hormone fluctuations that occur for us ladies every month.  It must be very hard to stay stable because of that.  I wish they would try to track "lady cycles" as part of the treatment and create meds that will allow for a little more or less, on the days that have spikes or drops.  Otherwise, how do you ever get level?

Try to be extra kind to yourself and watch A LOT of comedies right now!  Laughter in its own way is a good medicine at times.  And if you share one of those laughs with your hubby, can help sometimes too.  Feel better my friend.  <<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>> LFW

 


sukay
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   Posted 3/16/2009 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi LFW,

(((Big Hugs back at ya))) smilewinkgrin

You're absolutely right!  I do hear myself being more snappy but what I need to do is to let him know that I hear it in myself and quickly apologize and ask him to please not say anything back to me. 

How hard that must be for him!...lol  I guess he deserves to give it right back to me back but I have to TRY HARD not to give it right back at him!...lol  That is the vicious circle that we both go through. So I need to NIP IT IN THE BUD!!!!  It's HARD!!! That's why we really are trying to give each other some huge space while I'm getting use to the new med adjustments.

Well I see my pdoc this afternoon and we'll see what his next plan of action is.  I will keep you posted.

Thanks so much for your support~ blush ~


~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
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   Posted 3/16/2009 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Sukay, OF COURSE it is hard. If it wasn't, would HW even exist??? It is always so interesting to me that when I do give it back to my H, how angry he gets about how I am acting, but he always misses that "fair play" issue you mentioned. So it is the double standard, "He can dish it out, but I am not allowed to even defend myself or it becomes all about how mean I am now and how he's the victim (I find he definitely cannot take it even on the mildest of scales by ANY comparison)." For me, I am SO clear that if you add up how many times I dish out anything vs. him, I am sitting at a 20+ to 1 ratio (him being 20+, me being 1). THAT is what makes it SO frustrating for me. I sometimes am amazed how I contain myself in the face of it all sometimes. BUT....I HAVE GREAT NEWS.....my H asked me today to enter couples therapy together again. I spoke to his pdoc about everything I am feeling, he said he felt we should, but when I told him that my H had turned me down several times when I brought it up in the last several years, he told me to let him work on him about it a bit. I guess he did as we have an appointment scheduled for Thursday! I am excited about it because we ALWAYS do better when we do therapy as a couple, even if it is once a month. It is a safe place to share how we are each feeling with someone to mediate what we both can't hear. I am glad we are starting up again. HOPEFULLY, things will now improve.

I really think that the moments my H catch's his own snaps and owns it right away - like it came out to harsh, or whatever, are the moments I feel close to him. It makes me feel like we are on the same side of this...together as a team. My patience goes up in those moments. When he doesn't, it just makes me angry and I have to choke on it or it will escalate, and my resentment builds. I know how hard it must be, but do try it. I bet it helps.

How'd the appointment go today? HUGS...LFW

sukay
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   Posted 3/20/2009 10:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello LFW,

Wow...so glad to hear that your husband has initiated couples therapy! Yahoo! How great for you! Finally a break through! I can't wait to hear how things went for both of you. I really hope this is the beginning of all new and wonderful things for both of you! (((Hugs)))

I saw my pdoc on Monday and he doubled the dosage of my mood stabilizer. It hasn’t kicked in yet but hopefully by the end of the weekend or next week it should. (Fingers crossed)

So far it has made no difference, but I know I have to give it time. But I have noticed that it makes me very tired in the afternoon where I need to take a nap. Then it is a very deep nap where I fight to get out of sleep. It is like I am half consciously awake and hear everything that is going on but I can't get my eyes to open. Plus the afternoon naps leave me with some terrible dreams. So I wake up from these naps very stressed out. This happened before to me when I would try a new medication until my body got use to it. So I hope things settle down in that area.

I'll keep you posted and would love to have you keep us posted as well as to your couple’s therapy.

Wishing you wellness. blush


~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 3/21/2009 9:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Sukay, I liked the therapist and her style was to cut through the chat, story, defense and just get down to the truth of the problems and how we feel.  I think in our first session she got to see a lot of dynamics take place already.  First we talked about BP in our house and she pointed out how sad that 3 out of 5 are, and how hard that must be.  Then she asked me to some up how and when I found out about my H being BP and my feelings about it all.  She noticed that my H got immediately uncomfortable with this and confronted him.  He then shared his point of view and "expressed" how he thinks I go on and on and present a very tainted point of view that is not accurate, and how to him I sounded negative and accusing of him.  She then told him, while she can totally respects that this is his experience of it, she wanted him to know just for perspective - she did not experience what I said that way AT ALL.  She felt I was concise and VERY kind in everything I said, and the way I said it.  Then she saw my frustration hearing him accuse me, and I got to share that I don't know what to do because, just like this played out, I don't experience myself the way he is, and therefore, I have NO IDEA how to change this except to emotionally pull away.  And neither one of us is happy.  There was lots more too as we all learned about each other.   I thought it went well.  I was not sure how my H was going to feel about her style, but he liked her (for the moment anyway) so now it is just about how we are going to afford her!  We are going to see her once a week for a few months, and she is NOT on our insurance....OUCH!  But, my H admitted how important this is for us.  I'll keep you posted. 

You hang in there while you adjust to the new meds.  You will balance off and feel so much better I am sure. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping for a quick adjustment.  HUGS…LFW


sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
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   Posted 3/24/2009 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi LFW,
 
I'm so glad that you are sharing your experience on the boards so that both sides can see what it is like for each person dealing with bipolar issues.
 
I can relate to your husband getting very defensive when you point things out to him.  I too do the same thing with my husband and get very defensive.  When I share my experiences with my therapist, she reminds me how wonderful my husband is and all that he goes through with me and reassures me that he doesn't mean it like I HEARD ITI know my husband tells me that at the time but for some reason I don't believe him until I hear my therapist telling me it.  :o(  That's why it is good for us to have that mediator between us.  It also gives my husband the true fact that I do hear things in a different way and that is why I "lose my tone" and get very irritated and defensive.
 
I'm glad you both had a good experience with the therapist and feel that it is helping.  Especially from your husband!  That is a huge leap in faith that you can hold on to!  I wish you both much luck on this new opportunity of working on issues together.
 
I'm glad that your husband got to be reminded of all that you have to deal with having other bipolars in your home as well and that you have a huge load to carry.  You are a very special lady, wife and mother!  Don't ever doubt that!!!
 
I totally understand about the high cost of medical care.  My husband continues to tell me that "you know what...this is REALLY important and we will just have to find a way and do the best we can!"  This is so true!
 
I'm still hangin tough but I have to admit there are still a lot of huge stressors in my life right now that I believe all contribute to my mood fluctuations.  I just have to continue to ride this boat and wait for better days.  But in the mean time I will keep meeting with my pdoc & therapist closely and adjust things accordingly until things get better.
 
(((((BIG HUGS))))) to you & your hubby for a job well done!  Please continue to keep us posted. blush

~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 3/29/2009 5:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sukay, well....We have had 2 couples sessions with the therapist, and she asked to see us both one on one. My H did his first, and then I did mine. She already gets it! She sees exactly what I am dealing with and in my session with her, said while I may have my issues, the problems are without question stemming from him. His resentment about that is part of our problem. She said it was too soon to tell if she could really help us or not, but she hopes to do that. I broke down and cried because she understood how crazy making it all is. She assured me I am not crazy and said I needed more support than my once a month therapy was allowing me. I told her that I felt the kids were paying the price, as I feel so emotionally shut down. She said it was because I was worn down dealing with him. She asked did our kids know that their parents loved each other even though they were having trouble getting along. I said I thought so. I don't have much more to say at this point except, I am praying hard she gets through to him, and she is able to teach me what I need to know.

Can I ask you.....when you finally "get" something, does it REALLY help you, or just temporarily. Here today, gone tomorrow type of thing, or have you been able to make permanent changes from it that has ever stuck?

She said the BP was a REAL issue for him, and advised me to no longer use the term around him. It is what I have always said, he really is having trouble owning this, and has cast me, and my mom, as the villains. I am very sad by it all, but grateful to be back in therapy with him and hoping for improvement. Thanks for listening....LFW

sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
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   Posted 4/1/2009 10:30 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Hello LFW,
 
Do I really get it? Yes. After being in therapy and having someone else to talk to that understands that my bipolar is having me react to things in a certain way, I am then taught on ways to work on handling my emotions/reactions in a different way. It was easier when I heard it from my therapist as opposed to my family at first.  I felt validated when I heard it coming from my therapist.
 
I try very hard to implement these new behaviors into my life. It took a while, but I worked very hard on it and still do.  It helped when I learned to listen to my husband and family when they pointed out how I was coming across in certain situations. For instance they would say, "Mom, you're getting really loud/upset over this, you need to calm down."  I didn't even know I was getting all worked up until someone pointed it out to me.  It was hard trying to catch myself, but I worked at it.  I am better.
 
I must admit though that when my bipolar gets off kilter, due to stress or a deeper level of the current chemical imbalance, I need to get my meds properly adjusted to help me out.  But I can see that things are getting out of hand for me and that I do need help and know what I have to do to get through certain situations.
 
I hope you understand what I am saying.  I asked my husband and he said that I am explaining it well and it is true. He also told me to tell you that it does get better. But as a side note, that is because I continue to work at it. 
 
I hope that as your husband continues with his therapy with you and alone that he will be able to own his own.  It won't work if you are the only working at it.  But remain positive for now.  You and he are in therapy finally and this is a good thing!!!
 
(((Hugs)))  blush

~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
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   Posted 4/4/2009 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
 

Sukay, Well...so far so good.  It is interesting that because we are in therapy, and he knows I will say something to the therapist he is being quite pleasant and (for him) helpful.  It feels like he doesn't want to be "told on" to her.  It’s as if the pressure of that is enough to bring out the best of him.....at least for now.  He actually volunteered to do the grocery shopping this week.  It has been a much more pleasant household with his calmer behavior for ALL of us.  While I am happy about the improvement, I have also been down this road countless times before and I am not feeling optimistic that it is now going to last.  I don't believe it will.  Does that make me terrible?  The one thing I think I can count on with this illness is that it sabotages any permanence.  I really would like consistency and REAL changes that stay consistent.  But I don't believe it will ever be and I feel HORRIBLE for saying that, but it is my truth.  Don't get me wrong.  CERTAINLY this has been by far a more pleasant week that I can remember in a long while, but part of me is waiting for the shoe to drop (sort of speak).  I don't want feeling that to cause me to prompt it to drop either.  I am looking for sabotage from me too.

 

How are you doing?  Are you starting to balance out a bit?  Gosh I hope so.  I know how rough it is when it is like that.  You just get so tired of being in your own body you wish you could unzip your skin for a while....step out....take a break....I have felt that countless times with my fibromyalgia and psoriasis.  Sometimes my skin just hurts, my body is just aching....and there is no relief, it just goes on and one.  So for different reasons....I do get it.  But, we got what we got, and we get to make the best of it.  Sometimes when my skin is taunt from feeling achy and swollen, or extra itchy, soaking in an oil bath with hot water really helps for a bit.  While I am in it, and for a bit after, it becomes tolerable for a very little while.  Is there something you can do like that?  How about getting a massage? 

 

I am wishing you all good things!  Big <<<<hugs>>>  LFW


sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
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   Posted 4/30/2009 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
 
blush  

Hi LFW,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I have had a lot of special event dates on my calendar that has kept me quite busy!

I've been doing very well with this last med adjustment. I think I have been able to keep up with crossing all my T’s so to speak! lol

Everything is going quite well for me and I think I just become much stronger and wiser with every episode that comes my way. I really don't want to use the word episode but I cannot find the right word that I am looking for right now. lol

What I am trying to say is that I learn something new each time a trial comes my way. I thought I was in a very good place with my bipolar and so did my family before I had this last breakdown but through this I have found that I am even more stronger and sure of myself than I was before...if that makes any sense to you.

Anyway, I am glad to hear that your husband has made some concessions in his life and that you are seeing and feeling the effects from them. I am sorry that his past actions has caused you to lose faith in him. All I can tell you is that if he is honest with himself in trying to work his bipolar through it will continue to get easier for him and better for you and the family. And I can have my friends, family & husband attest to that fact.

How have things been going for him and you since your last post? Is he keeping up with his commitment of working through his issues with his bipolar? How are you holding up in the process?

Wishing you both Peaceful days & wellness. blush


~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


olivia of course
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   Posted 5/1/2009 6:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Sukay,

It is good to hear from you, it seems like it has been ages since your last post. I am glad that you are keeping yourself busy and things are going well for you. I just wanted to say hello.

:-) Olivia
Olivia
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Only by seeking challenges can we hope to find the best in ourselves. ~Robert Rodriguez

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loving frustrated wife
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   Posted 5/5/2009 4:48 PM (GMT -7)   

 

 

 

Hi Sukay,  I only have a moment to say hello.  I think it is SO great that you can see your own progress even in the down moments of a cycle.  THAT IS progress. 

Things here have been interesting, but still overall better.  My H and I are still in counseling, and it is going....okay.  I think the therapist is very good, my H agrees.  We have started dealing with issues about my mom and my H, and the therapist immediately had my mom come in and have a session with me.  I think it was good, and I think my mom got a few things that she is applying.  I think she understands that when she comes in and tries to help by taking over, given her execution of it, it backfires and just causes more problems for me in the end.  So that was good.  I think she can now also see that my H had a right to not like the way in which she was "being" helpful.  So she changed her style, asks first now, and things seem to be calming down.  So all in all...GOOD stuff.

We have backed off medication for our youngest son for a little while as it didn't seem to be positively being affected enough to feel confident in what we were striving for.  SO, we are re-evaluating things and look at it again with some fresh eyes.

The rest of the family is holding steady with a month of sprained ankles and strained shoulders....GOODY....MORE ER bills!!!!!!!!!!!LOL

I am so glad to hear your new medication levels are really working for you.  That is FANTASTIC!  My fingers are crossed that it stays balanced like that from now on.  HUGS...LFW


sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
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   Posted 5/24/2009 10:54 AM (GMT -7)   
 
 
Hello LFW,  blush  
 
I'm so glad to hear that progress is also in the making for you as well!  :o)
 
To hear that you & your husband are still continuing with therapy and seeing progress is GREAT!  Really,... what strides your husband has finally made.  Having your mom come into a therapy session seems to have helped both you and your husband!  Wonderful!!!
 
What is his perspective now on things since starting this whole new adventure?
 
How much has actually changed for YOU since this whole new experience has started?  I know you were at your wits end before you started therapy. 
 
How has your son being doing with being off the other meds?  What is his status right now? 
 
It sounds as though things just keep on going at your home with one thing after another.  I hope everyone is healing from their sprained & strained bones!
 
I'm still doing okay or "hangin tough" as I like to say. LOL
Stress still continues to come at me from a lot of different areas.  I'm still on the latest medication adjustment and my husband agrees that although a lot of different things are coming at me, I am handling things a lot better. 
 
I still cycle but I'm not rapid cycling, and I'm aware that I need to do what I need to do to keep myself in a healthy place.  I spend more time with  myself to just clear my head, but I'm definitely NOT isolating myself.  It's a good thing of getting away from everything.  I go to the zoo a lot, walking around and spending quiet time and reflecting on good things, like how silly or peaceful the animals looks.  I B-R-E-A-T-H-E~!  :o)
 
If all the stress from outside sources could go away, I think I would be doing absolutely wonderful!  But then again, that wouldn't be living in the REAL world, right!  LOL
 
Hope you have a lovely weekend. blush

~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/24/2009 12:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Sukay, Great to hear from you. Progress still being made in small steps. What therapy has done is calmed things down and get him to think in more even terms of the work around here (although that can be hit and miss). If we have progressed from that....I can't say. I don't think so. I think more direct honesty needs to happen for us both. I am starting to see HOW shut down emotionally I have become to live with all this, and it is making me sad on that level. I feel SO disconnected from my own kids in SO many ways that when I am alone with them I am just not feeling joyous, and I believe I should (like I can’t drop the drill sergeant role to relax and just have fun). I think I should relish every word they say and play and play and play with them. And for whatever reason....I just can't seem to do it. I feel almost paralyzed and flat. My mind is racing noticing how I just feel like I want them to just stop talking and go play by themselves. I feel HORRIBLE saying that...JUST HORRIBLE like the worst mother in the world. I FINALLY get a few precious moments with my kids in a calmer setting (which are the moments I PRAY for) and then I should feel like THAT!!!!! I'm horrible....something is wrong. I just am not feeling joy. I don't feel depressed either though, so I can't figure out what I am feeling. The only words I can put to it is disconnected. I love my kids more than anything else in the world, but there is something going on when a person is feeling like this. I am planning on speaking to the therapist about it soon. But again, I don't feel depressed either. Just TIRED....SO TIRED all the time. I don't know if it means I have become diabetic yet (I am pre-diabetic = i.e. insulin resistant for the last 14 years), so I have been told that when you get diabetic you get tired like this, but I also have fibromyalgia, and that could cause this exhaustion too. Plus, I don't sleep well, so that is a part of it too. I just don't know. But, I suppose the good thing is that things have calmed down enough for me to have even noticed all this, so now I can maybe figure it all out and fix me.

As to my oldest S, his meds are balanced and he is doing great. My younger S is off all meds, and quite frankly, I think doing better overall other than the ADHD type symptoms. The big issue is my D, who has begun ice skating, and is doing so well so quickly that we are being approached that she has a great aptitude for this and coaches are starting to clamor to get her as their student. We are willing, but we don't have the kind of money this is going to take. We are not sure what to do. ALL our $$ goes towards medical bills for everyone else in the family, and it is just not fair to her. But if she could really do this and excel, how do we deny her this???? MORE questions without easy answers. I am just not sure what to do.

I am so glad to hear how well you are doing. You so completely seem to have gotten a hang of it all. Watch the signs, what to do, how to own, steps to do to cope, how to get honest, and how to use your support system! Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW, my favorite animals at the zoo are the giraffes and all the monkeys! Don’t' they have volunteer programs that you can do things for your local zoo, as long as you are there, for a couple hours a week? They do here. Maybe you'd enjoy that if and when you ever wanted more? Just some thoughts since you are enjoying the environment so much. HUGS to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LFW
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