The "S" word (kinda personal)

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BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 3/2/2009 8:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Just wondering how spouses (and people who are BP) cope with medication affecting "libido".  Since upping meds, my dh has NONE.  No drive, no desire, no interest, nothing.  And even when I hint or try to start something he gets annoyed.  I understand he's frustrated too and probably feels bad too but what do we do?????????????????????  If anything, in order to help me cope with his BP, I need that emotional connection that you can only get when intimate with the one you love and I miss him so much... even though he's right there all the time.  He doesn't even want to do other things - just stays away from anything intimate all together.  There's peck kissing, but never anything more.  He says that he loves me all the time and he does other things to show me he loves me, and I don't want to say it's not good enough because I do appreciate that effort, but I need that connection back.  It really makes all the hard times worth it when we can just be lost in those moments... kind of like recharging the battery! lol


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/2/2009 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh I really feel for you BD. He should mention the lack of libido to his doc, but it's a side affect of MANY of the bp drugs. It does lessen with time, but it is really difficult for the partner for that waiting period. Ask him to try and understand your point of view and try to be as intimate with you as he can, maybe without there being any actual sex involved. I consented to a lot more touching and cuddling, even if I wasn't "in the mood" I got in the mood, because I knew it was important to my husband to feel loved still.

Hang in there,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Tuff love
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/2/2009 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Along with going with my wife to her pscyh appointments (not all of them) we attend regular marriage counselor appointments (different person) and I can honestly tell you that it helps...a lot.

Its an open forum with a mediator who is able to say what you mean so your spouse doesn't hear the negative. My wife had quite a few "ah-ha" moments as I did as well. We both learned what the meds will do and how we go around the lack of intimacy.

It worked. We even plan it, Monday night, kids to bed at 9, take a shower together, lotions, etc.... :-)

Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 3/2/2009 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey BD_spouse.  I've struggled with this as well.  Patience.  Patience until his meds stabilize and then you can get some.  You need to get creative with the cuddling and touching.  Maybe spice it up for yourself in front of him- sometimes visuals help?  Just giving suggestions. 

I have had to make babysitting arrangements for an afternoon alone at home.  Something about it just being he and I home alone works.  Tell him what you want.  Sometimes, plain old communication works.  Sometimes it doesn't because they can't help it and then you're back at patience.  cry


 


maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 3/2/2009 4:59 PM (GMT -7)   
When I first started my Prozac years ago that was also what happened to me.   I lost libido then as time went by it changed, and now it is fine except as Whyus stated you must also get creative.

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 3/2/2009 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   

 

   You know, after sex being such a HUGE part if my life, it has been very weird for me to live a life that does not inculde it. It being gone we have learned to have more dinners together, snuggle more, and generally spend more time together. So all in all, for every minus in life there are normally some positives that help take up the slack. My wife is on meds also so her sex drive is shot also. However all that said, i still try to be romantic and affectionate, at this point its all i can do and hope for the best.  


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 3/3/2009 9:14 PM (GMT -7)   
I guess it's just hard. Since all this has happened (him being hospitalized, then going to treatment, now at home) most of the duties fall on me. Even when I come home the house isn't as clean as it should be. I'm the one doing all the running around for him, the kids and myself since he lost his license... that means all his appointments, all the kids appointments, all my appointments plus work and pick up/drop off at school/daycare!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To me, making love with my husband is the biggest thank you and appreciation I could ever be shown. I understand that he's not "feelin it" - but put in some effort - sometimes I don't feel like coming home from work, eating dinner and then driving him to his NA Group meeting, but I put in the effort b/c it's important to him.
I'm really frustrated in case you couldn't tell! lol
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 3/4/2009 7:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey BD;

Sorry to hear you are in a rough spot right now. I know how hard it an be when you are going thru this kind of thing. I really don't know what to tell you that would help. Just offer affection when you feel like it. Not try to start something up or anything, just throw a hug or kiss on him when the feeling hits you, scratch his back or rub his shoulders without being asked to, just remember you may not get anything back, but you might be suprised too, & just a return squeeze or stroke will do wonders for you. I know it sucks, you are already having to do everything (right there with you) & you would think that this stuff would just be a natural, but this condition is demanding & sometimes everything isn't enough for them. You feel like you just can't win because you give so much to get so little back.   

As for the sex part, I can say this, it's a lot harder for a man to "go thru the motions" then it is a woman. If a guy isn't feeling it then they aren't, Having the meds on top of it does not help at all. For me, I can always tell when my wife isn't into it (she usually reminds me before or after too)& it really takes away from it. I always tell her that if she doesn't want to then don't. I would rather have less sex & it be ginuine, then have it more often & her not be into it (then have to hear how much she isn't into it & only does it so I don't cheat etc..). I'm sure it's tough to try to believe that a man doesn't want it all the time, but there are a lot of times when that is the case. Like others have told you, be patient & try to take your opportunities when you can, you may have to do all the work there too, but that isn't always a bad thing. Who knows, in a couple of months he could cyle around & look out! Before you know it you'll be wishing he would leave you alone so you could get some sleep! lol

BTW, how has he been handling his grandfather passing? I'm assuming no news is good news on that front.

Take care & good luck!

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"

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