Would you accept a credit freeze? *update*

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ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 3/3/2009 1:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I am trying to reconcile with my BP spouse after a near divorce.  One of the things I discovered after the split was her uncontrolled spending through the use of credit cards.  Why should I care?  In my State, the debt is my responsibility as well regardless of if I signed any paperwork.
 
This spending was during her untreated episodes.  Even though she is medicated now, she still has very strong urges to spend money on unneccessary items.  So far she has resisted ...   So far.
 
I've broached the subject of placing a freeze on her credit as a condition of reconciling.  At first she seemed receptive to the idea, now she is resisting.
 
What are your thoughts on this subject?  If you are BP and uncontrolled spending is one of your symptoms, how would you feel about this?  If you are the SO of a BP person, have you been able to convince your SO to freeze their credit?

Post Edited (theronson) : 3/8/2009 12:19:03 PM (GMT-6)


Whyus
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Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 3/3/2009 4:05 PM (GMT -7)   

That's tough theronson.  My bp husband has a spending issue as well.  We are in DEEP debt.  He's a control freak, but slowly he has agreed to let me handle the budget.  Of course that also means that I am in charge of getting us out of the financial mess he's put us in.  My DH does not use credit anymore. 

After he makes a large unnecessary purchase, he is remorseful and I have asked him to return things on ocassion.  He has returned them.

I would say that you should definitely make it one of the conditions to you getting back with your wife.  Don't give in.  Be strong about this issue.  It's very stressful dealing with a bp spouse's spending during an episode especially when it affects your credit too!

Good luck!


 


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 3/3/2009 6:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, basically my dh has reliquished access to our bank accounts/credit cards, etc... he knows his spending is out of control at times so he's ok with this
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/3/2009 6:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I think it has to be okay, theronson, if your wife's spending is putting you in financial trouble. Cut off her access to credit. But be gentle with her about it.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Jondoe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 3/4/2009 7:23 AM (GMT -7)   
State doesn't really matter. If you signed, then you're responsible.

Transfer that stuff to another card. Set it up in her name and have her add you afterwards as an authorized user. This will take the legal burden off you, but it would still be a joint debt in the eyes of the Bankruptcy court (but it wouldn't go against your credit and you couldn't be named as a defendant).

Yes, come up with a plan beforehand. I always get the 'money isn't important' talk, but it sure is important every time she wants to go on a spree. If you have to, setup separate accounts and have a portion of her income (what she would owe to joint debts/mortgage/utilities..etc) put back to your account. The rest is up to her to budget herself but you should never count on her having any left over.

The idea is that she won't snap her fingers and change, but she does need to be the one to experience the consequences.

ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 3/4/2009 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   
(Washington is a community property State. She took out the loans in her name only without my knowledge, but I am considered responsible for them anyway.)

Thank you all for your comments. My BP spouse and I read the answers together and it allowed us to discuss the topic without triggering any irritation or stress.

We will likely do something short of freezing her credit; taking the plastics, running all finances through me, giving her cash to take care of fun and daily necessities.

The last part of our discussion was an agreement that she will let me know if she starts thinking about taking out credit again. If this occurs she has agreed to a credit freeze.

I do fear that is she does go manic, she will ignore this agreement.

Jondoe
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 3/4/2009 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Glad the communication is open.

As to the existing debt, even though it is community property you can challenge your liability as non-community if you received no benefit. If she purchased items you never received benefit from, you still have a way out.

As hard as it sounds, and I hope she reads this too, you can't trust her to not do it again. You can completely trust that she means what she's saying, but the disease has a way of letter her change her perception and go forward anyway. If you're not willing to stay in bed with her financially, would you consider dissolving the marriage on paper but stay together?

ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 3/4/2009 5:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Jondoe,

It sounds like you have some experience with this topic.

She insists that she is controlled and will not go off of her meds. She has been consistently on the meds since she was diagnosed. The uncontrolled spending was prior to the diagnosis. Compared to some of the things I have read in forums like this, her symptoms seem comparatively mild. (Still scares the bejeebers out of me though.)

Divorce but stay together? That's really a difficult question. Its not an option that has ever been discussed. She's the one who originally sought the divorce (long story) and now that she has flipped to reconciling I cannot see her accepting a dissolution with staying together.

ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 3/8/2009 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   
While my BP spouse and I are still not back together we are close to it. We have come to an understanding on the finances. It was tough because she felt I had no trust in her. She went through a pretty bad depressive cycle. In the end, she was able to see it as not trusting the BP, as if it was a separate entity, rather than not trusting her. This is certainly how I see it. She is a wonderful and intelligent person, but does not have control of her thinking when the manic cycle is in full swing.

The basic financial agreement:
- No Plastics (Debit or Credit) for her
- All finances through me
- I give her cash, or a specific amount of her paycheck goes into her account (she works at the credit union she has an account with). This is guilt free spending
- We sign her up with a credit monitoring service that I have full access to.
- We maintain separate accounts as well as a joint account. She will have no access to my account, where the majority of the money will be. Any time she wishes, I will go online and show her the account. This way she does not feel like things are hidden.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/9/2009 8:20 PM (GMT -7)   
That sounds reasonable, theronson. It's so terrible things have to come to this, but if it saves the household finances, then sometimes you have to go to extremes. Good luck.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 3/9/2009 8:51 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband and I have almost the same agreement. It was tough at first...for me as an adult to start getting an allowance. But for better of the family it was a tough pill that I knew I had to swallow. Now 1 and 1/2 years later...I like not doing the bills/checkbook/etc.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch

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