k guys sorry I think all of my posts are going to be a bit long for awhile...just going through a lot and am in need of some support...
Its my dad this time..ugh. He has never really accepted what I am. i showed signs at the age of 4. He denied and blamed it on my mom until recently. I lived with him for awhile. He took me off all meds cold turkey and then beat me when I had an episode. I "tried" twice when I was living with him. That year (8th grade) I was FINALLY fully diagnosed as bipoar with social anxiety.
again DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL....!!!!!!!!!!!
i didnt speak to him for a year after that...
but stupidly, even though he never apologized, I let it go. But then it seemed like he was trying. and I got so excited but since then its been let down after let down.
this weekend blew up starting with an earlier weekend spent in vegas. I was alreadly there with my mom and sis. It was for a big volleyball tourn. he shows up on sat and we spend 4 hours hanging out in vegas...and then he drops me off at the hotel and goes somewhere on his own...BUT he promised me, "we will go out tomorrow night for your last night in vegas." YAYAY I was so excited.
then tomorrow comes. My sisters last game of the day is almost over. I'm video taping and he says he's leaving and tells me goodbye..."WHA???" I was like ummm ok? you know we were supposed to go out tonight.
he says "well I just met these people and they invited me to dinner and I want to get to know them...
uhhhh? first of all these were parents of the girls on out team. thay were supposed to be my moms friends (but thats another story)
so yeah he ditches me and goes out with my moms "friends"
my moms upset and I'm not going to bother her..
so yeah I spent my last night in vegas in my hotel room ...and if you're thinking "why didnt you go out by yourself" take a note of the "social anxiety" further up ^
so back to this weekend...
Its another one of my sisters v-ball tournaments..dum dum dum....
My dad promised to watch her play on sat. her last game was at 3. he didnt show up until 8 and never called. nope not once.
you know what? do it to me fine...but not my sister..mmmm..I'm getting mad again. "DEEP BREATHS" lol
I was already mad at him before that...one for the vegas thing and the second one for the letter he wrote my mom saying that he shouldnt have to pay 1/2 my med bills because he bought me clothes...mmmmhhhmm yeah thats what he said
so he comes over and wants to talk. I blow..and start yelling in the front yard about all of this. he said he didnt do anything wrong in vegas..supposedly he spent the weekend with me...yeah a whole full 4 hours..
same thing went for the letter.
I was saying stuff like: dad dont you want to help me? why are you always lying? Why do I let you do this to me....it was all "why's and pleas" and he bulled his way through all of those...and here comes the worst ...at least for me
as I have said before I have social anxiety. it kills me everyday...its always a struggle. I rebeled against the bp and sa thing for two years. I didnt go anywhere and I didnt do anything. I just stayed home and only went to places where I had to be.
so 2 weeks ago I GOT A JOB!! I love it. I look forward to it everyday and love every part of it. It makes me really happy. and that its been a long time since something has done that to me.
So he knows that and still tells me i need to do something for myself. He was never happy for me. after those two years of him calling me 2 times a week hounding me to get out there and get a job. he cant be happy because it isnt the job he wanted for me , well dad if you really wanted me to get another kind of job why didnt you help me like you said you would? and it doesnt pay much...who cares at least I am out of the house and its my first job..come on! and how can someone put down a job that helps kids like that??
and he just kept breaking me down with a bunch of other stuff.
these kind of blows he gives to me happen more than 2x a year. today i've been crying, not wanting to get out of bed, taking it out on other people, I'm very touchy and nervous.
do these symptoms sound familiar to you??
I'll give you a hint....B-I-P-O-L-A-R
Do I really need some other source that causes me to act like that? dont I get enough of that?
a couple of years ago one of my counslers told me that I needed to cut him out of my life..that i would always struggle if I didnt.
I'm starting to listen...but is it too late...because now what makes it even harder is I have a 3 yr old half sister. who i love...
I dont know how selfish I should be....