I Just Need to Vent About My BP Husband

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Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 3/13/2009 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
 
I've been reading all the postings for weeks now, but haven't offered any advice to anyone because everything that would come out would be negative since I am feeling just so BITTER!
 
I am trying my hardest to be as patient as I can with my husband's mood swings.  I don't think the depakote is doing a thing for him.  He has his frist p-doc appt in two weeks.  I have just been waiting for that day to come so we can move forward, but it has been a LOOOOONG hurtful wait. 
 
He snaps at me and he's mean to one of our children.  Bedtime is an issue with our 2 year old child and usually my H lies down with him and reads him a story and eventually he falls asleep. 
 
This was not the case last night.  It was a long night and my H was not handling it the way a normal parent would and frankly, I'm tired of him and his BP!!!!
 
I can just see it in his whole being: he can't stand to be in his own skin and he is such an A-- that he takes it out on the kids and me with his moodiness and when I tell him I won't tolerate it, he gets angry and pouts worse than my two year old!  Like it's my fault that he's feeling like crap!  Like I made him this way!
 
I am just feeling so bitter about having to deal with his s---!  There is nothing loving about this man I married!  He should be kissing the ground I walk on for EVERYTHING I have to put with with his illness!  He is so ungrateful.  It isn't fair, and I fully take responsibility for staying with him and putting my children through this.  I just want him to acknowledge some of the sacrifices I have had to make for the sake of our family.  
 
Thank you for reading.  I feel better now that I vented.  
 
-Whyus    
 


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 3/13/2009 9:02 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry you are going through this. The mood swings are hard on everybody, especially kids because they can not understand it. I know it is not always easy to do, but maybe you and the kids can spend more time out of the home. Like park trips and such. Maybe when you can tell his patience is gone, you could gently tell him that you will take over from there.

I remember those bedtime routines and when my girls were at that age where you basically had to stay in the room until they were asleep. It made for some long nights. That would be a good thing to bring up at his psych appt., that he needs to recognize when he is like that and ask for help (put himself in a timeout).
Most of the time though...I loved kid bedtime, just laying there, reading to them, talking about their day. It really helped me get relaxed.

I know you have probably tried all of this, just throwing out some thoughts. It really did take some time with a therapist to learn how to control my moods while depressed. Especially patience with the kids. And to learn that it was ok to not try and handle things that might rev me up. (again especially with the kids).
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 3/13/2009 9:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Whyus,
 
You said, "I can just see it in his whole being: he can't stand to be in his own skin..."
 
With that being said, couldn't you cut him a little slack?  I'm sure he hates living like this as well.  We didn't ask for bipolar illness, we just have to learn to live with it and it isn't easy for us either.
 
I don't know much about your husband's case history with his illness.  With that said I hope he is doing everything possible to help get himself back on the right track.  
 
Wishing you Both wellness. 
~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 3/14/2009 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Whyus;

I hate to hear you are going thru such a tough time right now. I am sure you are at your wits end. Try to get some time to yourself to decompress, even if it is only for a couple hours. Maybe the doc can put him on something else that may help his moods stabilize better. I can understand your feeling like you are getting shafted having to deal with this & feeling unappreciated. Sadly though, that is something you will just have to deal with, he will probably never fully understand the sacrifice that you make for him. He may get a small idea, but that will be about it. You said "He should be kissing the ground I walk on for EVERYTHING I have to put with with his illness!" Trust me, I know EXACTLY how you feel, I have been there too. When my wife was doing a lot of the same things, she would take her illness out on me & blame me for everything. Then I would have to hear how lucky I was she was even still with me. That's about when those thoughts would go thru my head. I know you are probably just venting, but these thoughts can be poisonous in dealing with his illness & if you cling to those thoughts, you are setting yourself up for dissapointment. Remember your decision to stay is exactly that, your decision.

Cling to the hope in knowing that with the right meds this condition is controlable. It will always be with him, but it is possible to control it if HE wants to. I know how hard it is being married to a BP, I would say it is harder when it is the husband who has it, as men usually tend to refuse medical help & deny anything is wrong & so on. Just keep in mind that you are not alone that you have soulders to lean on here when you need it.

wishing you the best,

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/14/2009 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Let me also echo Rocket's post, Whyus. You have to remember that you are in control of your actions and the only one responsible for your behavior, just as he is. You are absolutely allowed a good long vent. He is very difficult to live with and giving you a really hard time right now. But I would NOT expect a thank you. He doesn't sound like that sort of man. If you're waiting around for a thank you, you need to rethink your motives. He's not going to kiss the ground you walk on and he's going to stay sick. This isn't going to end. It will get better, perhaps, but not end. So keep thinking about whether you're in this for the long haul. Is your commitment to him no matter what? That part is up to you and you alone.

hugs,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 3/16/2009 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your replies to my venting.  This was not a good weekend at all!  He threw out his back and was basically useless the whole weekend in terms of helping with the kids. 
 
Sukay:  I have cut this man sooooooooo much slack because I know it's his illness.  I know he can't control it himself, but who do I get him to realize that when I need to step in and take over the situation when his patience with the kids is done, he needs to back off?  Whether I say it nicely or not, he feels I am taking away his control EVEN though we have agreed (when we are both in "good" moods) that when we see the other one losing patience with the kids, the other should step in and take over and other should back off.
 
Mommy.michele:  I do take the kids out to give him space.  Every weekend is filled with activities to keep the kids entertained and give him some space.  Before I understood the degree of his bp I would get sooooooooooo upset that I had to do most of the parenting- I felt like a single parent!  What's the point of having him around!  I can just do it all myself!  BUT, when he is normal, he is an awesome dad.  Can't take that away from my kids.  Or maybe I can!
 
Serafena:  you're right, I shouldn't expect a thank you.  I'm not going to get it.  And you're also right about me revisiting whether I'm in this mess for the long haul or not.  Somedays, frankly I feel like just walking away.  And other days, life is good with him.  So, I'm giving this six more months after he sees the p-doc to see how committed HE is to treating his illness and then I'll go from there!
 
Rocket:  Where have you been?  Missed reading from you!  Hope all is well.  Thank you for your kind words.  Your replies always help me! 
 
 


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 3/16/2009 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   

 

Hello Whyus,

I just read your post. As I said before, I don't know your husband's case history on his illness but him being committed and actively pursuing getting help for it is KEY!

He should be meeting with his pdoc on a regular basis for medication adjustments until they get it right and he needs to be involved in talk therapy to discuss and learn how to manage his emotions. It takes a lot of commitment and hard work on his part. If he is not cooperating it is going to be a living hell for both of you.

I've been committed to my wellness program for years. That doesn't mean that I still don't struggle with issues but my family knows what is me and when something is starting to get out of whack and that I need to bring more attention to alerting my pdoc & therapist so that things don't get out of hand.

I hope your husband is willing to be active & committed to his wellness program for him and your family.

(((Hugs)))


~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


mice_elf
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/16/2009 1:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Whyus...
 
I understand the need to vent.  I vent to my therapist, my journal, a monthly support group for people with a bipolar family member.  I get sick of venting, sometimes I am so exhausted from dealing with Mr. Hyde, I just want Dr. Jeckyl back!
 
When I married my husband 9 years ago, I knew he was bipolar, but didn't really understand the extent of it, or totally what it meant.  We have been through some really rough times, and some really good times.  In the middle of the rough times it hurts so bad sometimes I just want it to end, feel like I can't take another wound.  But then it gets better -- often when he gets depressed after a bad manic episode he expresses remorse for the way he treated me or the things he said.  Then things get to back to "normal", the calm happy place in the middle, and I want so much for it to stay like that, but then the pendulum always swings again. 
 
My children (from my previous marriage) are all grown now (the youngest is 18).  My heart goes out to you because you have young children with your husband, and when he isn't manic or depressed, you say he is a very good father.  I understand not wanting to deprive the children of that wonderful side of him, while at the same time feeling the need to protect them from his hurtful behaviors.
 
Sending hope and good thoughts that his pdoc will be a good one and will be able to help him, and that your husband is willing to commit to do the work it will take to stay on top of this.  Wishing you the best... 

Magnolia_marples
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/16/2009 4:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Firstly I commend u for putting up with his crap. I'm bipolar and i can barely put up with myself, let alone others putting up with me! And u know what? i hate feeling like this, i hate feeling out of control, I hate that I'm short fused, I hate it! Have tried living med free most of my life and to date I'm surprised I'm still alive. I have put myself in the scariest situations and have had no regard for my own safety. I jumped out of an SUV on the highway fleeing abuse, I didnt even consider for a moment what I was doing. I didnt want to hear my husband tell me i'm a useless human being, that i was scum of the earth for another moment and I just bailed out of his vehicle. yes i injured myself very badly, three yrs later i still hurt from that.
I once became addicted to cocaine on the way to the store to buy groceries. thats a whole different story, I quit on my own, no help from anyone beside my kids. My life is one rollercoaster ride. I'm 45, single and blunder my way, stumbling thru life. I'm a 17yr old trapped in a 45yr old body. I have the consentration span no longer than my little toe. Cant hold down a job, owe tons of money, have ticked off some scary people. Burned countless bridges. And sometimes I just cant do it anymore, cant tick off one more person, cant pick up my paintbrush, dont want to face life anymore, its just too hard. Sometimes i just want to put an end to this vicious rollercoaster ride I'm on.
I have kids, four of em, between ages of 15 and 26. They love me no matter what I do, they laugh calling me an eccentric artist, they understand my behaviour. They may not like it and do intervine when I endanger myself. I owe my life to my kids, they bailed my butt when i was an addict, took me away from the situation and took care of me.
I have nothing planned for my future, no pension plan, no possessions, that all went with the cocaine addiction. I totally screwed my life. I have nothing but my paintbrushes, canvas and paint. I blunder thru life blindly, and its scary. No guy will put up with me, my eccentric nature scares em off.

Its hard, on everyone. My advice to u is to find peace, be on ur own, start your life again in peace. you dont owe this man anything, you deserve peace. You only live once, live it for u, your kids will be better off in a peacefull home.

{I edited out some strong language -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 3/17/2009 9:08:03 AM (GMT-6)


Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 3/18/2009 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey whyus;

Hope everything is getting a little better for you. I have been here every day reading up on everyone, but hve been trying to lay a little low with responces because I have a feeling my shoulder is being looked over if you know what I mean. Just some comments have been made lately about some things I have said that I have only said here, makes me think I am being cheked up on. nono My wife is starting to cycle into her manic period & I don't want to give her material to feed it with. Plus the spouces have been kinda quiet lately so I haven't had much to reply to, but be sure I am here reading every day.

Take care,

Rocket


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"

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