Six days ago I visited a doctor to hear news that I did not want to hear. As I'm setting there spilling my guts to a perfect stranger, I blurt 5 minutes into what I feel like is a Interview for the best Psychiatric Ward that money can buy, I blurt I have decided not to lie to you. She smiled and said well thats very honest of you. I'm not sure if I wanted help that I subconsiously new that I needed it. I know I can not go on like this any longer. I have been struggling with these feelings, emotions, and what some deem odd behavior for the last 17yrs. I have always thought of myself as eccentric and unusal. I have a creative force inside of me that feeds on life but doesn't allow me to enjoy it. There are times that I have felt on top of the world and there are times that I felt like I would be better off dead.
I was honest about everything I told my new doctor. Accept for a few small details and I seem to always leave things out. I sometimes lie about silly things. Things that would not matter one way or other if they were true. Therefore when she said now that were done, is there anything you lied about? I looked her straight in the eye and I said No, I feel good. I have told you everything. The truth is I did not lie about my problems, I did not tell her what I thought would keep me considered normal, However I left things out and I lied about some silly things. I couldn't help myself they came into my head and as I was telling them to her I could see that being me. They were such believable lies that it took me 5 hrs of going over the conversation I had with my new therapist, that these things were lie. They were not true. I had told her I had been somewheres I had only past a few times and have thought about going in. I don't know why I lied about it. I don't know what made me do it. I know it felt good while I was doing. I didn't feel guilt and I felt justified in the fact that it is a place I might visit in the future. I'm still having trouble feeling guilt for such a small lie.
I also told her I have a tendency not to return to new therapist. I sometimes visit them once, sometimes twice, and then they never see me again. "Be prepared for this to be our last visit together." Once it was over she said "Would you like to come back?" I felt a bit of interest with her because she had oil paintings, antiques, and decorated the office the way I might decorate my home. Everything was familiar, I said "Sure, lets do that!" She said "Looking back at past diagnoses, experiences, your behavior, and the things you have told me without a full psych eval, I would say your Bi-Polar w/ a borderline personality disorder." I've heard this before and I'm not sure if it will sink in this time either. I've been on a number of medications and I tend to not take them. I almost bet a psych eval would reveal more diagnoses.
I've always been afraid to be labeled. I have fought it for many years. After this past week I realize there are things going on in my head that have affected my life in tremendous ways through the past years and continues to each day, that are not right. I had a incident in my home this weekend. Something had broke and when I could not fix it I broke. I got angry I wanted everyone to stay away from me. It was a small tantrum but definately not my first and I have had far worse ones in the past. I've thrown things, hit things, screamed and yelled. Behavior while I am currently calm and wanting help I'm looking back on and saying I saw my mother do these things. It scared me and I don't want my children to feel the way I did when my mother would lose control of herself.
I am going to continue therapy for now. I haven't made a decision about medication if it is prescribed to me again simply due to the fact that I have a fear of medication. I am afraid that I will have a bad reaction to it and it will kill me. I've read alot of stories about this. I had surgery once and I was terrified when I was going to have to be put asleep. I was in alot of pain after but I refused to take the medication. I'm also at odds with how much I should reveal to my therapist. Here's why.....
I believe in earth bound spirits and have experienced them first hand. Some people thing this is very odd, some would even deem it crazy. But, I've seen them and I've communicated with them. Maybe I was chosen to do so or maybe I was just in the right place at the right time. I know alot of people with no diagnoses that seem perfectly fine that believe the same things. Some of these people have not had the pleasure of seeing them but they don't disregard me because I have. I don't have a tremendous amount of contact with other believers jsut because I don't want it to get out that I've been involved with this. My family already thinks I have a few screws loose. I don't need them to think more so.
I don't like alot of people just seems like people use me then their done with me. I usually end relationships before they have a chance. Sometimes I say things that silence conversations but I'm only saying what I'm thinking. People want you to tell them how you feel but when you do it bothers them. I have no friends only family members. I don't have girlfriends I go out with or talk on the phone to. I have my family that is all. I don't trust other people and honestly I don't trust most of my family members if any of them. So, what do I tell my therapist?
I have a million thoughts that race through my head. I have a million ideals. I start projects and don't finish them. I can't hold still because I go to one project to the next and I can never finish one before I want to start another. I may be knitting a scarf and decide I want to paint my bathroom. I may be painting the bathroom and decide I need to clean the kitchen. I may decide I need to go for a drive to clear my head and then more ideals come to me. I start novels that never get completed. Oils that never see more than a few strokes. Beautiful creations that never see completions. I feel like my mind is out of control. Then there are times I can not get out of bed. I would rather not leave the house and I just want people to leave me alone.
Something is wrong and it is only getting worse. I have felt it creeping each year now it feels like it is taking over
Post Edited (LostInThought) : 3/22/2009 9:29:04 PM (GMT-6)