Just died inside, again

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

not on a positive trip
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 3/24/2009 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   

I found out on Saturday that my wife wanted a separation after 12 years. I’ve been checked out on booze for years and the BP and rage made it all the worse. I was given chance after chance after chance to do something about it and I was never able to. I have always had to have my feet really held to the fire to learn any lessons and let me tell you that was one of them.

 

I have done a total 180 and 360 to get straight again but it’s only been a few days, not exactly proof enough when weighed against years of neglect and abuse. I died inside last Saturday.

 

Today i went to the therapist my wife and I have been seeing for years. She slipped that my wife has been having an affair. I jut died again, and this time I really died. That’s twice in the span of a few days. I don’t know how much more my heart can take. I just got done begging her to end it and she said no and she still wants the separation. We may try and work it out but I’m not going to have any preconceived notion about how it will turn out. I'll tell you the only thing keeping me from the extreme is my kids. I grew up without a dad and I know what that does. I don’t want that for my kids.

 

I’m probably going to be living in my car because I don’t know how I can afford an apartment and pay for a house I don’t even live in. Sure this isn’t my entire fault but most of it is. I have to accept that and move on the best I can. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do with all this spare time I will have. I spend all my time with my kids and working around the house.  Maybe I should have been spending some of it with my wife? Jogging, seeing a movie, etc. I’ve been running away from her and our problems. I didn’t want to get confronted about the booze. Idle hands do the devils work. What do people do to wile away the hours of the day?

 

Let me tell you all you BPers and people with addiction problems don’t screw around. Get the help you need. P-doc not working? get another. Rx not working? get another. Self-medicating? Join AA, I did and it’s a huge weight off my chest. Co-dependant? Join a support group. Pick up the phone call a friend, call family, call a hotline. There will come a day that you could be writing this post instead of me. I’m not trying to be scary, I’m just saying that if you’re the type of person that learns lessons easily, learn from this post. If your not and your like me, watch out.

LostInThought
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 3/24/2009 9:46 AM (GMT -7)   
So, what now do you plan on getting help?
Do you plan on doing the therapy and taking the medication?
Do you plan on getting into a AA program?

Don't worry about your time you will have your time consumed by your recovery, finding yourself, and spending quality time with your kids.
You can still see your babies! Even if they are supervised, you should take every opportunity you get to spend time with your children. Play board games, get pizza and a movie, play at the park.
Search the internet for support groups for AA and BP in your area.

You may have to let your wife go... I hate to be blunt about that but it sounds like she spent 12 years feeling alone. Your going to only show her you have changed by your actions. Not because you were slapped with divorce papers but because you honestly want to change. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done as far as sticking with it. Fortunately for BP sufferers we carry around two Persona's The one BP gives us and the one that belongs to us. You can get yourself back with the medication, the therapy, and the AA program. You can be you again! You will have to be you for you though not for anyone else. The victims that your illness has consumed can be your motivation but ultimately you must want to get well.

As far as living arrangements.....Heres some options
1. Talk to your wife about allowing you to stay in the home til you can afford to make other arrangements. Tell her to give you 90 days.
(If she feels like she can not do that then tell her you understand and you will make other arrangements.)
2. Contact your local Housing Authority
3. Look on Craigslist and in your local Newspaper for someone that needs a roommate. With the economy the way it is there are alot of these situations.
4. Look for someone that needs a boader there are more of these available then you may think you will have to make the effort to do the research.
5. Check with the Red Cross / Salvation Army you might be able stay in a homeless shelter for a week to a month depending on your area.
6. Speak with your church pastor or call your local churches to see if there might be a family willing to sponsor you during your recovery. This sometimes includes room and board for attending weekly services and doing work around the church.

There are alot of options out there. Don't dispair sometimes when things seem like everything is burning down around you it is only doing so because it is time to rebuild.

And I would get a new therapist because she/he should have never gave you that information. That should have came from your wife.

not on a positive trip
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 3/24/2009 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks LostInThought.
 
I started AA already. I start an intensive outpatient addiction addiction program this week. I started seeing my old talk therapist again (I dont blame her, to your point, I should have heard about it from my wife on Friday though I would have had two panic attacks rolled into one) and I am looking for a codependency support group. I also am going for a neuropsychological assessment for my BP diagnosis and medication review. I want a second opinion.
 
My daughter is going for one as well. I fear that she has inherited my wiring. I even started going to church again, and I staarted working out and running. I havny owned a pair of sneakers in 10 years and I havnt worked out in probably 15. I dont do well with idle time so I am probably going to freelance as much as I can to pay rent and a mortgage, two utilities, two groceries, gas, insurance, etc. My wife works as well but we have some debt and we are upside down on the house. Its all so very complicated. I just want to reach out in the hope that if someone on this board is on the fence, heres some good motivation to act before its too late.

LostInThought
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 3/24/2009 10:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Thats very kind of you Not on a positive trip. Well your wife does work so she will atleast be able to pay some of it. I hope your daughter is ok and if she is not you can teach her that she needs to get help and keep it. A financial advisor and your divorce attorneys will work out the payment situation and they will not leave either you in a situation where you can not live. Take their advice their experts.

I'm glad your on the right track. I didn't get on the right track til last week and I'm hoping I stay that way. My prayers are with you let us know how your recovery goes.
Just stay busy :D It will be ok :D Thoughts and Prayers are with you.

not on a positive trip
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 3/25/2009 3:43 AM (GMT -7)   
LostInThought

As I was driving into the city this morning at 5:45 what you wrote came back to me before I hit the tunnel. "When things seem like everything is burning down around you it is only doing so because it is time to rebuild." I actually took some comfort in that.

When I was in my late teens/early twenties I lived on a dairy farm with my girlfriend, who I intended to marry until my BP and drinking drove her into the ground as well, that’s a story for another day, the barn burned down while the "farmer" was on vacation. I felt responsible for that because I was right there and we didn’t wake up fast enough. The fire dept took forever to get there; they ran out of water and tried to pump it from the brook. No effort, no matter how strong was going to stop it. The whole thing burned to the ground. I was devastated. I worked like a dog night and day for a week helping to rebuild the heifer barn and the milking parlor/dairy. It took a lot more work for an extended period that I and others did but it was a new and better barn, on the same spot, it was if it was there all along when it was done.

Thanks for your replys and your prayers, Ill take as many as I can get.

LostInThought
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 3/25/2009 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   
not on a positive trip said...
LostInThought

As I was driving into the city this morning at 5:45 what you wrote came back to me before I hit the tunnel. "When things seem like everything is burning down around you it is only doing so because it is time to rebuild." I actually took some comfort in that.

When I was in my late teens/early twenties I lived on a dairy farm with my girlfriend, who I intended to marry until my BP and drinking drove her into the ground as well, that’s a story for another day, the barn burned down while the "farmer" was on vacation. I felt responsible for that because I was right there and we didn’t wake up fast enough. The fire dept took forever to get there; they ran out of water and tried to pump it from the brook. No effort, no matter how strong was going to stop it. The whole thing burned to the ground. I was devastated. I worked like a dog night and day for a week helping to rebuild the heifer barn and the milking parlor/dairy. It took a lot more work for an extended period that I and others did but it was a new and better barn, on the same spot, it was if it was there all along when it was done.

Thanks for your replys and your prayers, Ill take as many as I can get.
I'm glad that helped you. And don't worry next go around your barn will be bigger, better, and stronger. Let me know how your treatment is going. I find it helpful to know how others are doing. You don't have to be alone in your journey.
 
And I enjoyed your story. I like happy endings.Sounds as though you've had a interesting life.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 02, 2016 1:06 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,731,733 posts in 300,955 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151128 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Diane82256.
297 Guest(s), 9 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Rikky1, Girlie, iho, Jack84, panicgirly, couchtater, Old Mike, Myself 09, Tall Allen


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer