Lost...you are in a real bad down time right now. You have to be able to start to see that yes, you may have as you said hurt those you love by past antics. But that is in the past and at some point you must give yourself permission to move on.
I am at that crux in life right now. I have gone back to school, and have for the most part done great. I am passing classes, but am always frustrated at the way my brain works now. I used to be such a good student with a great memory. Now I am an average student who's memory is so bad that I study constantly for my low B average.
Being bipolar as you all know...I am hard enough on myself, that right now I am at odds with my husband because I think he expects too much out of me. I fully believe that he is in denial that my bipolar has changed the way my brain works. I know it is frustrating for him, but I fell that he does not understand that it is even more frustrating for me.
Maybe you need a med check? Maybe you need to do more with your kids, find that joy in life. Do the things that make you feel good about
yourself. Learning to live with bipolar is a life long thing....so start finding your healthy coping mechanisms now. Don't ever think you are worthless, no one is. Everyone has a purpose. In these down times we should all learn to search even harder for that which makes us feel better about
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch