Struggling .....

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In Recovery
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/5/2009 7:29 AM (GMT -7)   

I went into typical codependant mode last night - reactive and controlling, and lacking in trust in the man I am dating, God and my Inner Child.


I am two weeks into a month away from the man I am dating. I asked him for a break so I could concentrate on myself and go into treatment for depression.


We met via on online dating site, and I decided to go to the site to see if he had been online there recently. He had, in the previous week. My instant reaction was anger and I decided to create a fake profile, and email him, and then see what he did.


Then I realized that, whatever he did, I was destroying my trust in him, and trying to control him to prove that he is not being faithful. Trust and betrayal is a core issue for me, and often dictates what I say and do. I know this, and here I was racing into codependent behavior again. I also realized that I had turned away from trusting my God and my commitment to surrender my life and all that happens to God.


After journalling for a little while, I came back to the computer and deleted the new profile I had created to trap him. I knew that was the right thing to do. Now I am struggling to treat this as a lesson in understanding myself. I feel bad about myself and am beating on my poor Inner Child.


I am goint to work today to keep close to my God and repeatedly tell myself that I am OK as I am. I stumbled, and then stood back up in accountability. I am going to give my trust issues to my God. They are too big for me to handle by myself.


Thank you for listening. I am grateful for a forum to share all this with.


God bless,


Helen


LostInThought
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 4/5/2009 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Helen,

Well maybe he was there for the same reason you was there. He was curious if you had been on there recently. Probably with some of your behaviours he was getting scared :( There is sometimes a logical explanation and I can't tell you how hard it is for me to put myself into someone elses shoes and try to think about the most positive thing. I often think of the worst and I've felt what you are feeling. I've been married for a while now and there are times that I get that in my head and it beats me up and depresses me. I understand exactly where you are coming from. It's extremely hard to trust and its extremely hard to let go. I sometimes have to tell myself things two or three times to get myself to believe them and even then it is hard.

Just know I've been there and sometimes I still am. It's scary but sometimes even though we are so paranoid that we can't see it, it is there.
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