I went into typical codependant mode last night - reactive and controlling, and lacking in trust in the man I am dating, God and my Inner Child.
I am two weeks into a month away from the man I am dating. I asked him for a break so I could concentrate on myself and go into treatment for depression.
We met via on online dating site, and I decided to go to the site to see if he had been online there recently. He had, in the previous week. My instant reaction was anger and I decided to create a fake profile, and email him, and then see what he did.
Then I realized that, whatever he did, I was destroying my trust in him, and trying to control him to prove that he is not being faithful. Trust and betrayal is a core issue for me, and often dictates what I say and do. I know this, and here I was racing into codependent behavior again. I also realized that I had turned away from trusting my God and my commitment to surrender my life and all that happens to God.
After journalling for a little while, I came back to the computer and deleted the new profile I had created to trap him. I knew that was the right thing to do. Now I am struggling to treat this as a lesson in understanding myself. I feel bad about myself and am beating on my poor Inner Child.
I am goint to work today to keep close to my God and repeatedly tell myself that I am OK as I am. I stumbled, and then stood back up in accountability. I am going to give my trust issues to my God. They are too big for me to handle by myself.
Thank you for listening. I am grateful for a forum to share all this with.