I'm getting this notion that I am probably not bipolar. I'm hoping testing will clear this up. I know something is wrong I'm just not sure what. I've got somewhat of an ideal what is going on but I'm not 100% sure. After reading quiet a bit and convincing myself that I'm not completely crazy. I think I may have some form of Schitzophrenia. If so it would be more of early stages of it. I'm almost certain I do have the Borderline Personality disorder which would explain why I was also diagnosed with the Bipolar Disorder as well. Or could I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Schitzophrenia? Is that possible?
I'm not trying to diagnose myself heck I don't even want to be diagnosed. I am just sick of making some of the people around me miserable. I have really stopped trusting everyone at this point and I really just want it to stop. I have no friends. I never have. I let people into my life then I throw them out. Everyone that has came in has been out to hurt me I think it is due to the fact that they can sense that I'm different and they use that against me. I have a family member
who is extremely social and she loves to be out in life in the spotlight. I ask her on occassion, How can you let so many ppl in? She thinks it is fine and has stressed to me how paranoid I am.
I can name all the people I have relationships on 2 hands. I have always been this way. I have never ever kept a outsider in my life for longer than 6 months. If I'm going to trust anyone at all it would be my husband and I know for a fact that if anything happen to him I could not be with anyone else. He jokingly calls me his live in stalker. I have failed to be up front with everyone on the forums. I'm honestly trying to get help. I know that I will not be normal like ppl that frolic in our society but I just want to make those I love less stressed. I want them to know their loved, They can show me why do I have a hard time showing them. I get really distance sometimes and just blank out. I lose my train of thought I go to the store I forget the list I also forget two or three things. I come in sit my keys down and I lose them. I forget to do things at the bank. I go out once a week and that is on Friday. I go pay bills, I go grocery shopping
. These things have always been stressful for me. I rob peter to pay paul and I should not have to. I can't wait to get home. I get anxious if I go to Wal-Mart I have an anxiety attack its extremely frustrating. I've even went to my truck and cried before. I feel like people are watching me. I constantly watch my children and my purse. I'm so afraid that one of these thousand of strangers are going to take those from me. I hate that store.
I go to a few grocery stores
in our town 2 very small ones and then our local chain., I'm more comfortable in the small country store even though I watch my back there but not nearly as bad. I drive my husband insane. He often ask why I forget things. I assume it is because I have so many things on my mind and its hard to get them all organized.
I tried to commit suicide twice once when I was younger and I started hearing voices soon around I came out of the hospital. They got fainter and fainter over the years and became more of whispers and bells. I see shadows move around me on occassion and I have for years.Another time when I over dosed on medication and told everyone it was an accident so they didn't worry about me. I have many crying episodes over the years. I convinced myself a few times that things were going to change in the world and then when they didn't it was very disappointing. I have mysterious bruises come up on my legs, arms, and belly and I don't know where they come from. Most of them are smaller about the size of a tennis ball but I've had larger ones. I've hurt myself over the years intentionally. I once hit my foot with a hammer and to this day I could not tell you why. But, I knew that I had to do it. I have always played this off as something paranormal. Until someone said to me what if their not really there? What if your belief that people have schitzophrenia are haunted is really the other way around that people are haunted by the tricks that there mind are playing on them. I can not get that out of my head and now I'm completely paranoid. I was better off believing that they were earth bound spirits. I am still convinced that earth is pergatory and that there are some here but what if they are not showing themselves to me, what if they are not putting the sounds there. Then that would mean that my mind is out of whack. Completely confused. Will it get worse? If the paranormal experiences are not real and this is just my messed up mind?
I know this is alot to take in I was hoping that maybe someone here may share some of these beliefs and that I'm not silly. That someone could tell me that nope just sounds like Bipolar and yeah those are probably just spirits messing with you to get your attention. I'm sure they want something from me or they wouldn't be bothering me. But, I'm not sure what. I'm hoping that it is not mind games. This is another reason that I don't talk to people they tend to mess with my head
Same reason I hate medications and I can't stand doctors even though I have committed myself to discover the truth.
Post Edited (LostInThought) : 4/7/2009 12:51:40 PM (GMT-6)