Please Help, Desperate for answers

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amber205a
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/14/2009 6:06 PM (GMT -7)   
hi, 31 female here I dont even know where to start, I know I am sick,but I dont know what is going on, I am at the end of my rope.. I wont go in to my past but lets just say its been a tough ride. I am a single parent and Im scared for them and myself, I am upset all the time and when I say up set I am so full or rage its getting out of control, I scream all day and just absolutely loose control sometimes, I am always depressed it seems, always tired and back is just full of knots, I dont enjoy life at all, its getting so bad I dont even go in public unless I have to. Its like on second Im fine the next a darn crazy person. I dont understand, I have so much rage in my heart and resentment for certain people its eating me up inside I wanted to try to get help but without insurance the waiting list is months long here, and honestly I dont know how much longer I can handle this, I never have a break, never no time for me. Please any advice I would love to here from you, I have ruined every relationship I have EVER had with my temper and up and down personality. I wasnt worried until today I seen my 2 year old standing in front of the mirror and she was screaming and pointing her finger and I know she was just modeling what she see me do. I dont associate with my family at all mother or father. mother is and always has been a drug addict and very abusive and father just never around, and I am so freaking angry that I didnt have that family but it seem like you just need to get over stuff like that but I cant..Im sorry to just ramble but i have so many thoughts and nodody to ever tell them to, Im just typing as it coming out...please help just need a friend

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/14/2009 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Amber205a,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the Bipolar Board.

It's good that you've come here to vent and let it out, whether you're bipolar or not, we can seriously understand the crummy upbringing, the uncontrollable rages, feeling like your at the end of your rope. Hopefully others will chime in and offer their support too.

The waiting lists for low-cost psychiatric care may be long, but you've got to get on them, FOR YOURSELF. You deserve to feel better. I hear you crying out for help, and the only people who can really help you are doctors. There are clinics in most areas with sliding scales for people without insurance. Make some calls and see what you can find. Feel free to ask questions of the receptionists who answer the phones. Just because one doesn't offer a sliding scale, doesn't mean she won't know who does. And please don't worry. No one will judge you. You need to feel better, for you kids, of course, but really for yourself. You're allowed to want to feel better just for yourself.

Feel free to come on and type away whenever you need to...

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


amber205a
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/14/2009 7:21 PM (GMT -7)   
nono Thank you!

Pain Pro
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/14/2009 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Amber, You definitely need to get some help. Not only for you but for your kids. I really understand your predicament. My 25 yr old daughter has bipolar. She was 15 when diagnosed. We had to hospitalize here. She recently left her husband in England due to marital problems. Over there everybody is covered by insurance but she has no insurance for here. I too am bipolar and was hospitalized 1 1/2 yrs ago. Because I am in regular therapy (I have insurance although it's not very good), I talked to them about my daughter going there and since there is no insurance they gave me a cash price. Normally the psychiatrist charges $225 but he dropped his fee to $100 for the eval. Full sessions are normally $225 but he's giving her $50 for 1/2 session and med review. My family dr also gave us a discount for paying cashing. I do plan however to contact my county health department to see if they have any suggestions. You need to see a dr nobody the cost. You have alot of displaced anger for whatever reason. Even if you just go to your family dr. He may not be fully prepared to treat your problem but can at least get you started. If in fact you are bipolar and they put you on antidepressents, you might asked them about a mood stabilizer as well. This treats any high that the antidepressent may cause in treating the depression.  I have 2 kids and was a single mom for many years and people don't realilze how difficult it can be. Is there someone that can take your kids for one night so you can maybe regroup? Check out community events and help they may have that you can use.

 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/15/2009 6:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi PainPro,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. Sounds like you have plenty of experience with bipolar and have been around the track with it a few times. Thanks for bringing your experiences here.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


missflip
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 4/15/2009 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi. Welcome. Glad you are here.

I understand the past and angry resentment all too well. But you have to try not to let it turn into bitterness that affects you and your kids. I have two little babies myself and bipolar. I have a horrid past from childbirth. I know how it goes. It is very hard to let go of the pain and resentment. For a while I had no insurance and here is where I found help - a church. A pastor. I know we aren't suppose to speak of certain religious stuff. I am just suggesting that maybe you could check out some churches that offer free counseling and are there just to listen until you can get in to see a doctor. I had a friend who spoke to her pastor who then came to me. Lots of churches offer counseling and just plain listening for free. You don't have to be a member, ect. At least that would give you someone to listen to you and quickly!! Some pastors even can help you get in to a doc quickly. Also some churches offer mothers day out; they will babysit your babies while you take time out. Hopefully, they have something like that where you are at; they do here.

Also, some universities have psychology professors who take on patients on the side for free. Try that too.

You really need to see someone and soon. If you are worried about your children and it sounds like you try to be a good mother like I do. Sometimes I scream at my kids out of frustration too and then I crumble and cry. My 20 month old comes over and hugs me. It is depressing to watch my dd consoling me when I am suppose to do that.

Come here anytime you need someone. I am not on here a lot due to my kids but there are wonderful people here who are on here often. We do not judge here so let loose.

Many hugs,
Missflip
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty


maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 4/15/2009 11:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I hope that you can find the help you need, and as they said keep making call after call to see what options you have.  Contact the NAMI group they are a great resourse.  (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) I hope that is ok to put on the post because they may be able to help.  Hang in there and continue to post.  Good luck

chucksharp
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/16/2009 8:10 PM (GMT -7)   

Amber, Hi

thought I might take a minute and try to give you some answers.  Bipolar is a very complex Disorder.  It deals with your emotions and your ability to control situations in your life.  Stress is a major factor and it is important how people learn how to deal with it.  So that you know, I am a therapist and have been for over 25 years dealing with people who have Bipolar Disorder.  Until you have the ability to get in to see someone, here are a few things that you might do to help you feel more in control and to feel better.

First, Sleep is critical.  I mean good sleep.  going to bed at night and trying to sleep for 7 hours straight without waking up or getting up.  People with Bipolar have difficulty sleeping for many reason.  they think that they sleep a lot, but the truth is that it is not continuous sleep and so they don't get the rest that they need to regenerate critical chemicals that are in the brain.  If you are waking up in the middle of the night or staying up late because it is "Your Time", then you don't know it, but you are causing yourself to feel worse and it is exacerbating or making your situation worse.  People usually feel best when the kids are in bed, it's dark outside, everything has quieted down for the evening, and finally they have some time for themselves.  They stay up late and then consequently don't get the rest and sleep that they need to feel better the next day.  Then with all the demans and not very much help, they go through the same routine the next day and just feel like they are digging themselves a hole.  Make sure to get to sleep. Get more sleep than you might think that you need.  Let little things go around the house that don't matter, spend time with the kids and enjoy being with them, and then when they get to sleep or rest, you do the same.  You will notice that you will start to feel better after as few as two good nights sleep like this.  Make it a game with the things that you need to do around the house when the kids are up and you are needing to do things.  Get them to help a bit and use some of your time doing some of those things so that you don't feel like you are falling behind.

Take a week and make a list of the things that don't absolutely need to be done that week.  Put them aside and do the critical things that you can't pass up and that need to be done.  Make sure that you use the week to get caught up on your health and to feel better.  If you aren't feeling well you won't do anything well, so you have to take care of yourself first.  then and only then will you have the ability and the capacity to help others.  It's kinda like what happens when you listen to the stewardess on the airplane.  She mentions how critical it is if there is an incident for you to put your air supply on first.  I don't know a single mother who would do this.  Everyone that I know would always put it on their children first.  However, in this situation and in your's, it is critical that you take care of yourself, or you will never be able to care for the children, continue to work, do the things that you need to, etc.

The anger that you feel is a secondary emotion.  It is because you are trying so hard, but continue to feel as though you are falling behind more and more each day.  There isn't anyone to blame, so you yell or get angry or scream, etc.  Stop for a day and notice all the things that you do.  Be good to yourself, acknowledge how much you do and give yourself a pat on the back for that.  Your anger is associated with how hard you are trying and how it doesn't seem to be helping you feel any better or getting any further ahead.  There isn't anyone to help you, so you get feeling overwhelmed.  SIMPLIFY.    Make a list of what absolutely needs to be done and simplify your life as much as you can.  When you get feeling better or when you have a little time, then do a few of the other things, but until you get feeling better, you need to give yourself the permission to simplify.

Make a plan to go seem someone who can give you some more help.  Someone who has experience with Bipolar.  someone who will be active in your therapy and not just sit back and rub their chin and say "How do you feel today".  Make sure that you know that you are important and that you deserve to feel better and that you are going to give yourself that chance, so set a date and find someone who will help you and then keep that date.  YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER.

 

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