Amber, You definitely need to get some help. Not only for you but for your kids. I really understand your predicament. My 25 yr old daughter has bipolar. She was 15 when diagnosed. We had to hospitalize here. She recently left her husband in England due to marital problems. Over there everybody is covered by insurance but she has no insurance for here. I too am bipolar and was hospitalized 1 1/2 yrs ago. Because I am in regular therapy (I have insurance although it's not very good), I talked to them about my daughter going there and since there is no insurance they gave me a cash price. Normally the psychiatrist charges $225 but he dropped his fee to $100 for the eval. Full sessions are normally $225 but he's giving her $50 for 1/2 session and med review. My family dr also gave us a discount for paying cashing. I do plan however to contact my county health department to see if they have any suggestions. You need to see a dr nobody the cost. You have alot of displaced anger for whatever reason. Even if you just go to your family dr. He may not be fully prepared to treat your problem but can at least get you started. If in fact you are bipolar and they put you on antidepressents, you might asked them about a mood stabilizer as well. This treats any high that the antidepressent may cause in treating the depression. I have 2 kids and was a single mom for many years and people don't realilze how difficult it can be. Is there someone that can take your kids for one night so you can maybe regroup? Check out community events and help they may have that you can use.
thought I might take a minute and try to give you some answers. Bipolar is a very complex Disorder. It deals with your emotions and your ability to control situations in your life. Stress is a major factor and it is important how people learn how to deal with it. So that you know, I am a therapist and have been for over 25 years dealing with people who have Bipolar Disorder. Until you have the ability to get in to see someone, here are a few things that you might do to help you feel more in control and to feel better.
First, Sleep is critical. I mean good sleep. going to bed at night and trying to sleep for 7 hours straight without waking up or getting up. People with Bipolar have difficulty sleeping for many reason. they think that they sleep a lot, but the truth is that it is not continuous sleep and so they don't get the rest that they need to regenerate critical chemicals that are in the brain. If you are waking up in the middle of the night or staying up late because it is "Your Time", then you don't know it, but you are causing yourself to feel worse and it is exacerbating or making your situation worse. People usually feel best when the kids are in bed, it's dark outside, everything has quieted down for the evening, and finally they have some time for themselves. They stay up late and then consequently don't get the rest and sleep that they need to feel better the next day. Then with all the demans and not very much help, they go through the same routine the next day and just feel like they are digging themselves a hole. Make sure to get to sleep. Get more sleep than you might think that you need. Let little things go around the house that don't matter, spend time with the kids and enjoy being with them, and then when they get to sleep or rest, you do the same. You will notice that you will start to feel better after as few as two good nights sleep like this. Make it a game with the things that you need to do around the house when the kids are up and you are needing to do things. Get them to help a bit and use some of your time doing some of those things so that you don't feel like you are falling behind.
Take a week and make a list of the things that don't absolutely need to be done that week. Put them aside and do the critical things that you can't pass up and that need to be done. Make sure that you use the week to get caught up on your health and to feel better. If you aren't feeling well you won't do anything well, so you have to take care of yourself first. then and only then will you have the ability and the capacity to help others. It's kinda like what happens when you listen to the stewardess on the airplane. She mentions how critical it is if there is an incident for you to put your air supply on first. I don't know a single mother who would do this. Everyone that I know would always put it on their children first. However, in this situation and in your's, it is critical that you take care of yourself, or you will never be able to care for the children, continue to work, do the things that you need to, etc.
The anger that you feel is a secondary emotion. It is because you are trying so hard, but continue to feel as though you are falling behind more and more each day. There isn't anyone to blame, so you yell or get angry or scream, etc. Stop for a day and notice all the things that you do. Be good to yourself, acknowledge how much you do and give yourself a pat on the back for that. Your anger is associated with how hard you are trying and how it doesn't seem to be helping you feel any better or getting any further ahead. There isn't anyone to help you, so you get feeling overwhelmed. SIMPLIFY. Make a list of what absolutely needs to be done and simplify your life as much as you can. When you get feeling better or when you have a little time, then do a few of the other things, but until you get feeling better, you need to give yourself the permission to simplify.
Make a plan to go seem someone who can give you some more help. Someone who has experience with Bipolar. someone who will be active in your therapy and not just sit back and rub their chin and say "How do you feel today". Make sure that you know that you are important and that you deserve to feel better and that you are going to give yourself that chance, so set a date and find someone who will help you and then keep that date. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER.