Help - spouse is off meds again

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BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 4/17/2009 6:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I was hoping that my HW "friends" can help me - even if it is just to vent.
 
My BP husband was released from the hospital just over a month ago.  He really liked his psychiatrist there but unfortunately she said that she can not take on any more patients in her private practice since her partner just left.  She told him to call back in about a month to see where she was.  The other night I lightly broached the topic (as he does NOT like to discuss it since he is in complete denial) and he said that it was time to check on her.  I was SOO happy.  Then when I said that my concern was that he doesn't have a refill for his lithium, he said that the lithium doesn't do anything so it doesn't matter.  NOT good!
 
See, like always, he was pretty good with taking his lithium for about 2-3 weeks when he got out of the hospital.  Unfortunately he has stopped taking them again.  We did not have a good Easter in that his mom was pretty obnoxious and stressed him out - stress is his biggest trigger.  He also had a pretty rough week at work - another trigger. 
 
So, yesterday after he closed two deals he went up to Yankee Stadium and proceeded drink to excess in a bar with a friend.  He came home and I could tell he was in the beginning stages of yet another manic episode.  Listening to music on his iPhone (with earbuds in) while watching TC, talking about how he is fed up, saying he knows everything there is to know, that he can control the stock market and that he is in a battle.  He also told me that he is not going to take his meds because they dumb him down.  These are all the things he says when he starts being manic.  I just sat and listened to him.  When he was really unfocused I gently asked him how A was related to B just so I could get him to try to think clearly.  He was able to calm down some and eventually came to bed at about 2:30 am.
 
This morning he actually started to cry a little about how he misses his dog and cat - I just rubbed his back, hugged him and told him it was okay.  Before I left for work today, he was on the phone talking to one of his brothers friends about how they were going to get his brother out of jail.  His brother has had an addiction problem for over ten years which has led him to commit fraudulent acts thereby landing him in jail.
 
I am so scared and I don't know what to do.  He doesn't have a psychiatrist, he isn't and won't take his lithium and he's on the path to yet another manic episode.
 
Any help or advice would be appreciated.
 
BP Wife

serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/19/2009 1:14 PM (GMT -7)   
BPWife,

You are right, your husband does show all the signs of a new manic episode, which is no surprise since he stopped his meds cold turkey.

You need to try and convince him to call the psych and if that one won't see him, call another. It's got to happen or you're on the path to another hospitalization. It's that simple. He needs to hear it. Tell him so gently and clearly, even if he's resistant. He may put you off for a while -- keep trying. This may be a fight. You may not have the energy to fight it. That's up to you, and a conversation the two of you may need to have. But you can only do so much -- the rest is up to him. He has to be responsible for his own health after a point.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 4/19/2009 4:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your reply Serefina.

Currently he does not have a pyschiatrist - which is a big problem in itself. However, Friday afternoon I was actually able to get in touch with the psychiatrist he liked from when he was in the hospital and it sounds like she is taking on patients. He needs to go to the office and do an evaluation first. He said that he doesn't want to do that. I think it's to do paperwork. I even told him that I would take a sick day and go with him to the doctor. He told me that he does not want me there. I don't want to be in the room, just be at the office with him - so I know he actually went and to show him how supportive I am. I'm going to try to and convince him to go. However, it's SO hard to talk to him when he's not stable - he just doesn't accept anything anyone says.

The "good news" is that he did take the meds yesterday and I'll try to get him to take another ambien (to make sure he gets at least 7 hours of sleep) tonight along with the lithium. I know he is an adult and responsible for his own health. I just wish he would see that by not taking his meds, he is going to lose me. And that is something I know neither of us wants.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/19/2009 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   
The two of you need to sit down and have that conversation: if you don't take your meds you're going to lose me because... Let him know what's at stake. But you better be willing to stand behind that claim, because he's probably going to test it.

I'm sorry, you've got a hard case on you.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 4/20/2009 7:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Serefena.

Unfortunately things did not go well last night. He fell asleep on the couch around 10:30 before taking the meds and when he woke up around 12:30 am he was in a slightly elevated state. He came into our bedroom wearing sunglasses and said that he was going to the pharmacy (CVS) because his stomach was bothering him and needed sinus medication (he does suffer from bad sinuses). When I begged him to just go around the corner to get Pepto, he said that he needed to drive to the pharmacy which is about four blocks away. He could see that I was upset all day and said that I needed to relax. I started to tear up and he hugged me. I told him that I can't trust him that he's only going to the pharmacy because he in the past he has ended up being gone for at least three or four hours if not more. He told me that there wasn't another woman and that he only wants to be with me. So I told him that he is losing me and that he knows why he is losing me. He had me take a 1/4 of an ambien and promised he would be back.

Well, low and behold I woke up at 3:00 am and he was still gone. So I called him on his cell and he was at an illegal poker game 30 minutes away. He had me on speaker phone and I just couldn't take it so I told him not to come home and that I wanted all of his stuff out by Thursday. He said fine and that "Emily" will be his new girlfriend. I'm assuming she was one of the people at the poker game. He never came home and honestly I am ok with it. I called his cell phone this morning and told him that he can pick up some clothes before 6:00 tonight and should get the rest of his clothes on Thursday since I won't be home until 7:00 pm and that as far as our assets, our lawyers will figure that out. And I have practically cleaned out our joint banking account because I don't want him to spend any more of my money on gambling. (I have been supporting us for the past 19 months).

So, yes Serefena, I am now standing behind my claim. I don't want to do this, but I'm afraid it's the only way he will see that unless he takes the meds, he has lost me forever. I do love him and want him back but only if he goes to therapy and takes his meds.

This is so incredibly hard but I have to do it for me and for him.


BF Wife

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/20/2009 9:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry BP Wife. How terrible. You have a hard road ahead of you. Please keep writing here for support and look into a therapist of your own. You're going to need all the support you can get.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 4/20/2009 10:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I do have a therapist. I've been seeing her since my husband went into the hospital the first week in March. It has been very very helpful.

Things went really down hill Thursday (because of being off the meds). As everyone here knows, it is so frustrating because he is such kind, sweet gentle loving person. He has brought such joy to my life. But when he's manic it's nothing but heartache.

I know I said I was ok that he didn't come home but now he is missing. I have no idea where he is and I just hope he's not hurting himself or anyone else.

Part of me is afraid to go home but part of me doesn't think he would even go there since he knows that I have no problems calling the police to get him involuntarily admitted.

Thanks for letting me write here - it's such a great outlet since I can't talk to anyone about this as he doesn't let anyone know about his condition.

mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 4/20/2009 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry you were put in this position BPwife. I know it must be very hard for you. He needs to see that taking responsibility for his bipolar control is in his hands and he must do it. I am glad that you are seeing a therapist so that you have an outlet for the emotional rollercoaster that you must be on.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch


BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 4/20/2009 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks mommy.michele

This has been tremendously hard on me. I love him so much and worst part is that he can't see that his refusal to accept and manage his condition is tearing us apart. I didn't want to pull the tough love card, but I feel like I have to now. I feel I need to take this stand with him now or it will never get through to him: Take your meds and save our marriage. I am SO willing to support him through this too.

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do other than cry.

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 4/20/2009 1:25 PM (GMT -7)   
BPwife;
I am so proud of you, I think you have done the right thing & you should be proud of yourself for being so strong. What you have done is not easy by any stretch. Just remember to stick to your words & be strong. Fell free to give yourself that cry, you've earned it.
 
Take care
Rocket
"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 4/20/2009 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rocketman,
Thank you so much. This is SO painful to do. I knew it was going to be hard but I was truly hoping we could sit down and talk it through calmly. I am not proud of myself for what I am doing as I am a VERY loyal person and do not believe in turning my back on anyone I love. Perhaps when he is stable I can explain to him how I feel. That he left me no other choice.

Am I wrong for willing to take him back under the conditions that he take his meds and see his doctor regularly?

And yes, as soon as I get home from work I will definitely give myself that cry.

BP Wife

p.s. Oh, and he finally turned up at his mother's house this afternoon. But who knows how long he will stay there. He likes to get in his car and drive around and go who knows where.

Rocketman
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 156
   Posted 4/20/2009 4:24 PM (GMT -7)   

BP;

I know you probably feel like you are being selfish & not being loyal to him, but you have to remember that is isn't selfish to stand up for yourself & not put up with being treated in a way that is unacceptable to you. There is nothing wrong with being willing to take him back if he follows the treatment & takes his meds like he is supposed to. If he was willing to do that, then you wouldn't be where you are now though. But if this is what it takes to get him to realize this then so be it. My wife finally had to realize this when I finally put my foot down with her behavior. She kept threatening to leave & after I took her to pick up apartment applications & she realized she would be losing everything, she finally stopped. It has been several months & she hasn't made any mention of it since.

I know the tough love is hard, but sometimes it is the only option you have. Just remember that you have told him what it is going to take, the rest of it is up to him.


"The struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time.
Gary Allan- From "Life Ain't Always Beutiful"


BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 4/20/2009 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Everyone,
Thank you so much for your replies. I swear this site is so wonderful and I am so thankful and lucky to have found it!

All I want to do is call him and cry "please stop doing this to us!" but I know I have to stand my ground. I can't believe how hard this is. Hopefully when he does eventually calm down I can explain to him why I did what I did and he'll understand that it's for us.

He did see the intake people where the psychiatrist has her practice today so that's great news. And he wants me to get him his meds for tomorrow (I will do this through a friend as I'm not ready or willing to see him yet) - another good sign. But we had a good evening last night and it ended horribly so I'm not expecting much.

I never knew what they meant by loving someone so much it hurts until now. But I will be strong.

Thanks again all!

BP Wife

BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 4/23/2009 11:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Just wanted to write an update.

We spoke last night for an hour at about 7pm and it seemed that the meds were beginning to kick in. He was calm and understanding. He knew how much he hurt me and said he wanted to take his pills so we could have a good life together.

Then after sleeping for 90 minutes he woke up in a complete manic state that lasted into this morning. I think he "cheeked" his meds and ambien. So, his mother called the police and around 1:30 pm he was taken to the hospital to be involuntarily admitted. I know he is where he needs to be and will be under a doctor's care in order to stablize.

I just don't know what to do when he is stable. Right now I don't want to take him back until he is under the complete supervision of a pdoc and provides me with medical power of attorney. It sounds kind of harsh but I don't want to end up back here again.

Thanks again to everyone for the replies and kind words.

BPWife

citchus
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/3/2009 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello, I'm new to getting help with handling bipolar and my spouse. I've been to jail three times, extradited once for one case, and because 9/11 cause the extreme of background checks, which I nev er had problems with till my 2005 lay off, I found out a different story and since then, which the difficulties my spouse put me through lost my job, place of residence, were always moving to different places every other six months or less being left behind and or hunted down by police officers, tasks enforcers, etc. At first, I am believing that I'm the one that is to be the one that is strong headed between the both of us and we're going to make it. Yet, as the economy breaks down, so does my chaces of getting back to the way I was workin', with a good pay check and all, but nobady is willing to hire me, cause of the cases that private investigators are able to aquire, and all to say we are still together, but I'm being put down, "called a loser"
, "she's tired of supporting..me?" etc. In front of my son, and I have a little habit(smoke weed). Nevertheless, I dont go crazy when I'mn under the influence or not. And I do it away from the house and the kids dont know, and I dont stay away from home because of it. I cook, clean the house, take care of the landry when she can't, etc., etc. She blames me for it and and she blames me for the way her life has turned out to be, and she darns God and carries on an on and I'm at the point right now that like one posted, leaving with no return.
 
I took a lot that if she wasn't bipolar, I'd leave her at her tracks the moment the first siren coming ten feet towards me, but the way it all came about, ( she was working 'part time' as a security for a shopping center and to make the long story short , she became a victim of an assassination attempt, in other words.) Yes! That freaked her out, she mentioned MY name and that was all the police needed for a suspect, fortunately after a week being held in jail they found my story valid, cause I was working at the job I lost behind all this.
 
This was about three years ago, but this was only the middle of all the problems I went through with my spouse and her bipolar.
 
Tell me, what does a guy like me do in a situation like this? Being threatened to get thrown out for not being able to get a job, since nobody wants to hire somebody who's always in a domestic violent situation.
 
I really need some type of advice, cause... bipolar??? Like someone else posted, where is the fine point? Do you think I went through a bit, or was I just foolish for letting my spouse run me down like that?
 
sincerely
 
citchus

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/3/2009 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Citchus,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar boards.

I think your wife's bipolar is just part of the problems you're experiencing. I'm sorry to hear she's untrustworthy and so unreliable. Certainly she needs to be seeing a psychiatrist and taking her medication regularly. I hope she does. But it sounds like you're having some troubles of your own as well and you need a little more stability in your life. May I recommend a counselor? Someone to help you both get on your feet again? Most towns have a mental health clinic with counselors who work on a sliding scale. See if you can find such a thing near you.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


citchus
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/3/2009 7:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks for responding,

Anyways, yes, I feel I need couseling, yet, seems like when I can begin some type of couseling, I begin employment which in turn takes away the counseling. I'm epileptic without transportation so I rely on public transportation (city buslines) or my own two feet. So it can get pretty hard getting around after work during rush hours, so I go straight home, to take care of the kids. (make sure of home work, etc.)

Besides, most of the times I already know what is gonna be said, what is expected on my part and what is supposedly expected on my spouses' part.

Not to offend anybody here, but I also carry certain religious beliefs that I struggle on a daily basis within consciencely. I try not to discuss too much knowingly with my spouse because she isn't quite the conversationalist in areas that are of my preference. She not political neither. Nor does she like to discuss academics and such the like, so what conversations do you think that goes on between her bipolar and myself? Yes, counseling? I'm very particular about who is able to counsel.

citchus


BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 5/4/2009 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Citchus,
I totally feel for you and your situation. It definitely isn't easy being the spouse of someone who has BP. I've had to call the police a few times to have my husband involuntarily hospitalized. He's actually been in the hospital for 11 days now and is scheduled to leave tomorrow.

But, as Serafena said, counseling may be a good outlet for you. It has helped me a lot and I go to a clinic through the hospital in my town. I believe that many clinics/hospitals will work on a sliding scale and if it is through the hospital, they may have hours that can work around your employment hours. You said that you know what is probably going to be said, but for me, sometimes it's good to just let everything out. Counseling has helped me get through this very difficult time for me. From what I've seen on here, most of the spouses need some kind of outlet - whether it's one on one therapy or an organized BP support group - in order to take care of themselves. Otherwise, it's almost impossible to be there for your spouse.

This site is probably one of the best I've seen for BP. Everyone is very supportive and honest - perhaps that's the beauty of an online forum like this. I would suggest reading through here to get some insight of others and keep posting to let out your frustration, anger, fear, hope, whatever emotion you are going through. We are all here for you!

BPWife
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