Things are still idle.
I have found out some things, others remain more of a question of when.
She was at the local Rescue Mission, which of the three local, it was/is by far the best. Her CW there, had told me that they have a policy that all monies received for a Client are held my the Mission, and they require a 75% savings regimen. I told the CW that I supported that idea, but was not confident that she would remain, once the enforced it.
She did have her car fixed, at what cost, I do not know. The part alone was about $200 then the labor, so I'm estmating $260 total. Her CS is $400 bi-weekly except the X doesn't understand, he generally pays bi-monthly, which leaves him always behind. She has yet to enforce that. Knowing that she received her money on the 15th, (that was the day the car was repaired and left the lot), I was later informed some 5 days later, when I called her CW, that she had "checked out". My suspicion is that they were going to keep her debit card, she rebelled, and left to another facility.
On the 14th, I had asked the City PD to conduct a "well being" check, to allow them to observe her demeanor. The City PD never called me back, but that afternoon, a County PD Officer came to see me. I was under the impression that he was called by the City, to basically have both agencies involved. Fine with me. That now appears to not be the case.
From what I have learned, once the City contacted her, she herself contacted the County, to file a DV report. The findings of the Officer were that there was no DV, but he merely documented the incident.
The day after that report, she checked out of the Mission. I have since learned that she has checked into the Salvation Army DV shelter with her daughter.
In Feb, after she was told to leave the Women's shelter in a nearby city, I attempted to get her into another here, so that I would have the time to find and secure alternative housing. I took her to the SA Shelter, but she was turned down, as there was no DV. So she knows that.
From what I have read, it appears that BP sufferers become Masters at manipulation. Well, she has manipulated herself to where she is now.
Both agencies have indicated that she appeared fine. Could this be mania at work, and appear normal? In retrospect, normally she is a shy and quiet person, easy to get along with. But what I now know are signs of mania, cause her to become quite assertive, to the point of stubborness to do things her way. Although I haven't seen this at the moment, from what is being relayed, seems that she is exhibiting this assertiveness, and actually enjoying her current surroundings. My fear is that once she doesn't get "her way", the cycle starts all over again, and she has no further options locally.
The Officers, tell me that she is in fear that I'm going to have her hospitalized, and that she has made it clear to them that she doesn't think anything is wrong with her. She will have the support of her highly impressionable 13 year old daughter, who she leans on heavily when I'm not there. I'm not happy with that either, no child should be put in that position as "care taker" at such a young age.
All I can do is wait. Funds will be available to her in the next couple of days, but I am not convinced that she will pay her debt share on a critical bill. Instead, I expect the norm to be at work, and if she receives her CS, she will be broke in two days. I do NOT know if the SA has a similar financial requirement, and if so, that will cause problems there.
Caught between a rock and a hard place, on that sandbar.
Going on prior history, when she has "moved out", she will pack non essential items, more for the activity than the necessity.
She will discuss each and every detail with her daughter. It's rarely a Mother - Daughter relationship, she treats Cassi as an equal, often allowing Cassi to make final decisions.
The Shelter will provide assistance to get her on her feet. However, I would guess that my wife's expectations will exceed reality. Once in her own place, she would eventually realize that everything depends on her, and the cycle begins.
From what I understand, her progress and stabilization will take quite a while. She does get demanding, and expects things to happen overnight. In our preparation to move up here, she envisioned a log cabin on the mountain. When I told her that wasn't realistic, she began to say things that her ex said in deposition. She would threaten to leave, or delay the move unless she got her way.
I know I sound rather stern right now. I still am worried and concerned, but I'm also becoming somewhat numb from all of this. The guys on my shoulders each have a difference of opinion. One says, forget it, the other says, hang in there, she needs you.
I'm trying to find an outlet aside from work. But don't like being alone going out, and don't like being the third party with others. TV is becoming too much of a friend. And, I'm not sleeping all that well.
This is starting to take a real toll. That, and I have to shell out an extra $350 dollars today, that I don't really have to pay our debts, since she is not contributing.
Oh well, I will survive....
No, I'm not relying on her to help/pay her debt, as I have not been able to for several years. My hope was that her mood had moved to a more rational/responsible point, and that she would do as she had promised.
The manager at the storage facility in FL has kept in touch with me over the past month, specifically when I wasn't sure where she was. "John" would let me know if she showed there. He called me yesterday, asking for a good address for her, to send a notice of intent to auction. She hasn't changed her mailing address for our PO Box, so he's sending it here, and I'll forward to the Shelter.
I intend to pay the bill this week anyway, but as you are aware, BP seems to wreck a families finances, and it continues to do so. She will have received her CS sometime after last wednesday, and probably by tomorrow, she will be broke. So much for the help. I can't rely on it.
The Shelter has no policy of budgets for their Clients. I think that is why she left the first, they did, so now she can do mainly as she pleases, without any responsability. The gets food, shelter, and "support", so she is able to treat her CS as "mad money" (term she used when prev married, that she had 3K to 5K of spending "mad money" each month, husband paid all the bills)
So all I can do is wait and see if she clears and then calls...
The saga continues,
As of Monday, my wife's drivers license was suspended and her tag is now invalid/under seizure order.
I had mailed a letter to the Shelter on the 6th, letting her know that it was pending, and giving her two options to prevent it. Today I received the letter back as noted ANK/return to sender.
Over the weekend her car changed spots in the lot, and yesterday during a driveby, it was gone, only to later return parked in a different spot from the previous day.
Now, she remains totally incommunicato, and apparently ignoring the idea that driving while license suspended is a criminal offense. She knew it was pending soon, as prior to her leaving here, we had discussed it, with me planning to add her to my policy, surrender her FL tag, and facilitate her obtaining a VA tag and DL.
The mess just continues to escalate. She is probably moving to mania by now, as her Child Support will be anticipated as soon as today, but may not be available until the weekend.
The Shelter is no help, I try to leave messages, and the "cover" for their Clients maintaining secrecy. I understand that to a point, but apparently they care less about the actions of those Clients.
Oh well.... this is really getting me down.
Still trying to hang in there.
Things remain the status quo. The second letter I mailed was also returned, unopened, with the "return to sender" in my wife's handwriting. So, I will send no more.
Common sense tells me to just forget this, and move on. Mighty hard when one loves someone as much as I do my wife.
Since we married last December, we've actually been apart more than we've been together. That too makes this so hard to deal with.
I took the initiative yesterday, and found a counselling center for ME! I have an appointment on Wednesday. I did leave a message at the shelter, inviting my wife to go with me, but there has been no reply. It's probably fruitless to try further.
Yes, as you can probably tell, I'm in a dark place. I'm not sleeping, have little energy, it's causing me more pain than I ever thought I could deal with.
Our relationship has been full of trials and rough times. I have several T shirts with the same comment, "let me drop everything and work on your problem". They were intended to refer to my business, but for the past 4 years, it's been more toward helping out Kathy.
Maybe tomorrows appointment will improve my own situation, I know it won't happen overnight, but I've got to do something.
I sure miss the Gal I fell in love with so many years ago. I'm also starting to miss me.
Well, I had a fairly long session yesterday.
"Debbie", listened as I recalled the whole story, and what was going on with me of late.
Having someone independantly confirm my opinion helped to some extent. Solve it? No.
I did feel better afterward, although rather tired, as I'm still not sleeping, and have NO energy or drive.
This morning, I'm back in the pit. I realize this is depression at work, and I'm feeling very out of sorts. I do and have been taking Celexa for some time, but this situation seems to exceed what it can help.
Kathy is still incommunicato, which really hurts. I don't understand the need to be that way, but I'm trying to work it through to diminish that pain.
I'm considering moving back to FL, to be closer to my children, maybe going back to my "roots" will improve my situation, and being that far distant right now may help me cope. That is unless she also returns to FL, which is likely as she has no where else to go.
Is there a clue there? Maybe, I tell myself that going back may be best for me, and part of me realizes that she may be there too. Which brings it back to where it is now. But I'm really stuck in that pit, and need to be close to those that do love me, for being me.
It has been a bit of time for me to get back on here.
I made the move to Florida, without my wife's knowledge. I didn't even drive by the shelter to check if her vehicle was there. I left direct and didn't hesitate.
I had been in FL the previous week, looked around for housing, found a small apartment with a sunroom that will serve as my Office.
As mentioned previously, nearly ALL of our accumulated furniture and belongiings have been in storage for nearly a year. What an expense that has been.
The small storage I cleaned completely out. Of the combined large storage, I removed the furniture, leaving only certain items not needed, and items of personal attachment, that will be obtained later, as I settle in.
The furniture I felt needed to be moved, by far they have the most necessity and value, and since she has not paid ANY of her debts, the chance of loosing them like last month, just made it necessary.
Should she discover the items are gone in the near future, that could bring SOME measure of a reality check into place.
Other than my family, and a couple of close friends, no one on her side realizes that I'm back here.
I recently read another post concerning a BP husband informing his devoted wife that he was leaving her as soon as released from the hospital. The advice offered to her was to stand her ground, and insist that there was a relationship worth saving, but that unless the ill HB sought regular treatment and improved his situation, she was to stand firm and not be involved in his life.
That was my thinking in making this move. I still love and miss my wife. The woman she has become is NOT the woman I have loved. She continues to make poor decisions, and may for some time. She has yet to accept her own responsability for her actions, and the pain she has caused others. This comes from a woman that has been previously known for her giving and loving ways. It's now another entirely different person.
My own therapist is a mere 5 blocks away, he happens to be hers as well. Understanding HIPPA, I can always say my thoughts, and he can listen, and hopefully take that into consideration should she return to his office.
In any event, I intend to not merely sit and wait. I have things to do.
Anyway, I'm am feeling somewhat better, there are times, but my commitment to this is strong, and I will prevail.
Yesterday (Thurs) I went to my local grocery store. Usually I scan the parking lot, for signs of my Wife's family being there. I have only two people in my family that know I am back in Florida, just a course of action that I chose.
While in the checkout, I noticed that my Mother in Law, and her Sister were walking in the door. Not wanting to disclose my position, I attempted to just avoid them in the store. Well, that didn't work. The Aunt, who is my only real contact and is very cooperative walked past me, and of course, I greeted her with open arms. She is sincere, but the family gets upset when she talks with me. We talked over the next half hour, her sharing what has been happening to her knowledge. She said that my Wife has not had contact with her family since April. The only thing was a Mother's Day card she sent to her Mom.
She coaxed me to speak with my Mother in Law, which I did. After the initial greeting, she asked me "have you heard from my girls?", I told her no. She was obviously saddened at that point.
We spoke for a while, she's not well, and is diabetic, recently in the hospital for heart complications, following the episode about the items in storage that were subject to sale, until I paid the whopper of a bill.
I did not disclose that I was back, prefering to keep that close for now. I did tell my Mother in Law that I would call and check on her from time to time, and if I heard anything from my Wife that I would call her.
She apparently was/is not aware that my wife and step-daughter are in a Salvation Army Shelter, she was quite surprised when I mentioned that.
Things are no better on that front. Kathy remains basically homeless, her driver's license remains suspended, things are NOT moving forward for her.
I remain strong and diligent. She will have to seek steady regular treatment for her illness, and I will not buckle! Tough love is in store, and it will be decisive if she wishes to have any manner of relationship with me.
Her Aunt even commented, "she wanted you to marry her, and after you did, she just went the opposite direction"..... Perhaps the marriage in her mind, was just an accomplishment, and then to move on to the other desire of the day. I don't take my vows that lightly.
As my Good friend and classmate, Tom Petty sang....."I won't back down".
Yesterday evening I received a "comment" on my blog for MySpace.
Since this matter began, along with this forum, I have kept those friends and family updated on what's been going on, via a personal blog on myspace. I knew from the start that it would only be a matter of time, until my Wife, via her daughter (also on ms) would discover what I had written.
Well, a message came in yesterday, from "emma peele". My wife has always emulated the character from the original TV series, and years ago there was a slight resemblence.
The message started with an "OK", I'm well, going to Dr.s have had troubles myself with an addition to "how dare you list yourself as single?", and the comment that she is not divorcing me. (may be the other way around).
I reviewed the "profile", and quickly noticed that she mentions "Her Hero", and that someday "Her Hero" may come back to her. Although the main content of the profile is more like a directed letter to me.
The things she has planned of course, indicate to me that she was/is in a Manic Phase, as it contains several grandiose plans that don't match. ( I don't think that a person receiving SSI for a mental disability, can attend college, if one can function in an institute of higher learning, one can work) She also indicates that she has been approved for a full scholarship to a college in VA. She hasn't attended but half of an associates degree and that was in 1980. Maybe I'm just being a bit negative, but this has come up before.
My thoughts are that something has happened at the shelter, that they have probably insisted on an exit strategy, and she has none. Her daughter apparently did/has not gone to visit her Father for the required visitation this summer, of course, it's not known if he voluntarily chose not to, or she has denied. I would hope the former, as he has filed 4 times for change of custody.
As for the page on MS, her daughter had to put that one up for her. My wife is not computer literate. Especially since there are many "captured" photo's of Diana Rigg both promotional and from the series. Three have comments remarking of her beauty, allure, etc. One my wife captioned "Me in 1972-74".
I lent my BP Survivor book to my Mother in Law (yes I followed up, and have been in contact) so I don't recall if one imagining themselves as someone famous is mentioned, although I can understand that this could lend itself to grandios ideas.
Has anyone else encountered that aspect? Imagining themself to be someone emulated in the past?
I replied to her today, telling her much of what I have said about my support and love, but also indicated that I will not entertain a long distance "on hold" marriage and relationship. I also told her that should she return to FL, she is not moving in with me. She will have to live elsewhere, and that I will support her in treatment, therapy, all the things that I wish to do to help her. But that if she doesn't commit to help, our marriage will end beginning Dec 1, which is when in FL I can file.
Stern yes, Mean, I hope not.
As Johnny used to say, "More to come".....