Feel like I'm stuck on a sandbar

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GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 4/25/2009 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
My wife suffers from Bipolar disorder, although she has not been completely diagnosed.
 
I first met her when she was in High School, some 37 years ago.  We dated for nearly three years, but after I graduated from the Police Academy, I made a very foolish mistake.  I broke up with her.
 
She took that hard, and perhaps some of what is going on with her now was present then.
 
After our seperation, she dated several "boys", and gained a rather sordid reputation.  She married at age 18, although she and her husband to be, discussed days before the wedding that neither wanted to go through with it.  But she did, as her family had arranged a fairly ellaborate wedding.  It lasted all of about 6 months then seperation.
 
Her new husband was a college student, the first few months they lived together, but he had no income.  She went and took a job as a topless dancer, for a  while, making enough money to pay their bills.  Her husband, just a kid, would take her to clubs, to "compete" on amature night.  According to her, he basically let her starve, was abusive, and cheated any chance he could.
 
She came from a dysfunctional family, her father was retired military, but had difficulty in finding adequate employment due to age, and "overqualification".  He drank heavily, was abusive, and attempted to molest her several times in her young life.  She also claims to have been molested to some extent by her older brother, and an uncle.
 
Now, thinking back, some of what I observed when she was a teen, were previews of things to come.  She lost her virginity to me then, and required a lot of attention and affection.  She would work part time, but always was near broke, despite having no bills to pay.
 
We both married others, and didn't see each other for several years.
 
She entered law enforcement as a part time officer while she was seperated from her first husband.  She met another officer, who was married with small children.  She and "W" began an affair that did not go well for their career, his wife found out, a local citizen caught them together one night while he was on duty (they didn't know at the time) and she was terminated.  She wasn't on duty, but she caught the rath.
 
Her BF, was thrown out, his wife filed for divorce, but the two of them continued to see each other.  One night, I just happened to meet up with her by chance.  That began a relationship for about 2 months that ended when the BF demanded her to stop seeing me.
 
They later married, and moved away.  They built a fairly lucrative business, allowing them to purchase a 7000sf mansion in Indiana, a half million dollar motor coach, and all the toys they wanted.  She had two children some 10 years apart, the first, a son was the "heir apparent" as far as her husband was concerned.  The second, a daughter was basically left out, as her husband wasn't interested in a daughter (he had two from the first marriage, and never had any contact with them)  His business caused him to travel extensively, being gone for 6 days a week.  According to her, he would come home, do paperwork/billing, laundry was done, and he "used her" as he chose.  She testified during her divorce that he was overbearing, abusive both mentally and physically, and there were instances of marital rape.
 
All of this I think may have contributed to her bipolar severity.  I now know from reading a LOT of material, and the books I have purchased, that BP is a matter of genetics.  However, could a continued stressful if not negative personal history contribute to the severity?
 
In 2005 I was seperated, and she happened to come to the small town where I met her, and lived to visit her ill Mother.  While there, we met, and talked as two very old and trusty friends may.  We shared what our lives had been like.  Mine one of public service, hers the "Queen of Social Grace".  Money was no object to her, her husband would allow her to throw lavish parties (8 in five years at $10K plus each), people attending didn't socialize with them otherwise, as they resorted to a self directed exile almost homophobic in nature.  She and her children only left the house to shop or eat, and the kids were home schooled.
 
She told me of her life, at which I answered questions she had about it doing my diplomatic best.  She decided she didn't want to continue that life, and the abusive nature of her husband.  She remained in FL, and we started seeing each other again.
 
October 2005 she stayed, her HB filed for divorce in Indiana.  In November, she and her daughter moved in with me.  Her daughter still being home schooled.
 
In April 2006 she became ill, experiencing abdominal pain, nausea, vomitting etc.  She had suffered for several years with Diverticulosis as well as hypo-thyroid (treated) and Sjogren's Syndrome.  After about a week of these symptoms (she wouldn't go to the Dr), I found her on the bathroom floor, nearly unconcious, diaphoretic, hyperventilating, and in near shock.  911 time.
 
Within two hours she was in surgery for an emergency bowel resection, with two absesses, and was septic.  She spent 17 days in a coma, and at first it was not good.  Her HB and son arrived, and along with her overbearing nosy sister, they discusses openly who was "going to pull the plug", I nearly threw her sister out the hospital window.  There was NO indication that she was on "life support", they mistook the breathing machine (she had a bit of fluid in her lower lungs, and wasn't properly oxygenated) as life support.
 
Anyway, she emerged after 26 days, released but on a colostomy appliance for 5 months, until restorative surgery was conducted.
 
She experienced a rapid menopause afterward, and began to exhibit signs of depression, for which a GP prescribed Celexa 20 mg/day.  This improved her somewhat, but over time, I began to notice other problems emerging.
 
The stress of her divorce, there were 4 hearings for custody, all in Indiana, which I took her to attend, along with other hearings, depositions, etc.  All in all, her husband shut her out both financially and emotionally (her son will not speak to her)  She received a paltry 25K final settlement and her Cadillac.
 
Enter the illness at full throttle.
 
She began to "swing" in moods, at first, an episode would emerge about every 6 to 8 weeks, once they became pronounced.  I tried to avoid conflict, I was quite busy with my business, trying to keep it afloat.  I did ALL the cooking in the house, nearly all the grocery shopping, and took care of her during her recovery.  (While in recovery on the colostomy, not one member of her family offered to help clean her, change her, bathe her, or cook while I was at work).
 
What I now know as Mania emerged, following a trigger/stimulous such as her Child Support being late, or the twice a year visitation in Indiana her ex had with their daughter, or that she would get a cold/flu/bronchitis (often) which elevated the mania.
 
She would enter full blown mania, spend all her money, have none to contribute to household expenses, and when frustration would set in for either/both of us, she would "pack up" and flee to her Mother's, a hotel, and once to a shelter with her daughter.  I will admit, not understanding then that her episodes were the illness, my Type A+ personality was unable to process the situation, and I reacted badly.  Never violent, but would become angry although I don't consider it actually as angry, it's how I react when "frustrated".  I'm loud and direct, then I go somewhere quiet, usually my chair, or outside on the porch, or in the bedroom.  If I'm not there/tangible, then I can't argue, and there shouldn't be any argument.
 
We were renters, as her illness progressed, her actions and spending sprees dug into our household budget.  She still survives today on $800 a month CS.  The one job she obtained at McDonald's lasted two weeks and she was terminated for conflict and potential violence in the workplace.  She would go to our landlord's house during one of her "absences", basically as I am told "flirting" with him to allow her to stay in the house, and to have me removed.  The landlord's wife was not too happy with her coming around, which resulted in both of us being asked to vacate.  I can't blame him.  She went to my Cousin's house during another episode, saying she was leaving me, and did he want to date.  His wife, who had been my wife's closest friend had died some three months before.  He declined (later telling me that "She's nuts anyway")
 
I don't ever mention these things to her, at least not now, until she hopefully opens up to treatment, and should be discussed.  When "hypomanic" she does experience a strong sexual urge, she does so normally, but when hypomanic, she's on overdrive.  I try the best I can to make her happy, and not turn her away.  A lot of close affection is sometimes all I can muster, but I do the best I can.
 
In nearly 4 years, she has "packed up" and moved out some 15 times.  The mania continues for about 3 weeks, then I'm told that she appears normal for about a week, then sinks into varying degrees of depression, where she contacts me, apologizing often for what happened, twice in the past year, she has spoken of suicide during this phase.
 
We discussed leaving the adverse family climate in FL to move north to VA.  My business supports that ability, and initially I was to come stay with my best friend in VA, work, save, and prepare to move them up with me in a couple of months.
 
This began in September.  Each month I would travel to FL to visit, shortly after leaving, there would be a negative phone call, where she was obviously upset, demanding, verbally abusive and accusatory that I was "cheating", etc.  Just prior to leaving FL, we were together and during an episode, she attacked me, and was later arrested for domestic violence.  I managed to convince friends at the State Attorney's Office that she had agreed to anger management, and counselling, and PDoc treatment.  They dropped the matter, but alas, she didn't attend any further sessions.  In November there was another episode, and I travelled to FL, and took her to a PDoc, who recommended she have regular sessions, increased her Celexa to 40mg/day, and that she have blood work conducted to regulate her Thyroid, and in order to prescribe a "leveller" as he described it.  She didn't go back.
 
She began to insist that we marry, and this had been discussed for quite a while.  I was hoping to delay it until we moved, but she began to plan this elaborate affair, on her own, with my input.  She also began to discuss her return to college after 20 years, convinced that she only needs one course to graduate (she was only half way through when she quit school), that she was going to open her own psychiatric practice soon, and later described her interest in working in a law office as a paralegal (she types/tested at 15 wpm).  I didn't know what to do.
 
December arrived, and I planned to be down for Xmas, we also planned to be married at the CH.  We did, and had a brief honeymoon, and enjoyed the Holiday, with me doing all the cooking.  That I enjoy anyway, and have always cooked the holiday meals in my family.
 
Her daughter was to fly out the following Monday to visit her Father in Indiana.  Once the flight left, the little signs I had been observing all too long, were transformed into full blown mania.  She basically started to argue, scream, etc, throwing temper tantrums in public, which I decided to leave early and return to VA.
 
She was incommunicato for three weeks, unbeknownst to me, she closed our mailbox at the PO with no forwarding address, and important mail was returned, inclusive of checks paid to me for work done.  This created another problem.  She changed locks on our storage, moved items she deemed as mine to another storage, and didn't tell me.  When the bill came due, fortunately the manager contacted me, and I paid the unpaid bills for both.
 
After the third week, I heard from her, she "made up" on the phone,  She was very depressed, and again talked about not wanting to live anymore, which I was able to calm, and I planned to return to FL in Feb to visit, and to take care of some business.  I stayed in a hotel, as her Mother was not too fond of me, after leaving, and I didn't wish for conflict.  My wife of thirty days, came to the Hotel, her daughter with GrandMa, and we spent the night.  Knowing that I was to leave the third morning, she went to her mother's house the second day, and started an argument, where she was told to leave.  Now what do I do.
 
I ended up bringing her to VA, finding some temporary shelter at a women's facility for her and my now step daughter.  This lasted 10 days, another manic episode and she was ordered to leave.
 
My friend here opened his home, allowing them to come stay here.  He has known her through me for 37 years, and was familiar with what was going on through me.
 
He left a few days later to visit family, so we had the home to ourselves.  Things went well, until shortly after his return.  A condition of him allowing her to stay was that she needed to get control of her illness, see a doctor, and that no outbursts were to occur.  Strong, but understandable.
 
On his return, we planned a BBQ with a few of his friends.  This was mainly to benefit her, so she could meet some people socially and hopefully gain some friends.  She wasn't too keen on the idea, specifically when I had to tell her it was casual, not formal, and there was no need to plan a gala event.  The closer it came, the more edgy she was.
 
Her mania was increasing, with the usual signs, inattentiveness, forgetfulness, she gained some weight, she became hyper, unable to concentrate, oversexed, even somewhat indiscrete around her daughter.
 
The night before the BBQ we had plans to make dessert, my friend was out for the evening.  At 4:30 she announced that she and her daughter were going to Walmart.  I asked that she pick up a couple of things to make dinner with.  She had just received her "late" CS that day.  At 6:30 I received a frantic call from her on the store phone, that the keys didn't work in the door.  I gave her some options, and expected to hear back.  NOT!
 
I called her cell phone repeatedly, only getting VM.  At 10:30 they returned, and I noticed that she was near raged.  I was too, with what started out as concern elevated to frustration ( her car was broken down it was to be fixed by me on sunday and she had my only means of transporation which I was told she couldn't get in).  I admit, during this time, I had drank three whiskey's but was by no means drunk, just done to mellow, we exchanged words, I checked my car, it was fine.  Unbeknownst to me at that time, although suspected, she had gone on another shopping spree.  After I said what I had to say, (rather sternly) I reminded her of the conditions of her being here.  That if she wished to stay here, she needed to relax, quiet down, before she was told to leave.  Stating, "if you're going to leave, you'll have to di it by Cab".
 
Well, from what I have learned since, she and her daughter packed a suitcase (I had immediately gone to bed) left before midnight walking in the cold, and they took no witner coats.  They were picked up by the police, and from her depiction of events, placed in a DV shelter for women.  She came the following Monday with her caseworker to collect clothes etc and her vehicle.  While packing she attempted to take things of mine, like underwear, slacks, socks, video's music, to which the CW commented  "that's the mania".
 
She's been gone since April 3, she paid to have her car fixed, but didn't pay a critical bill in FL, apparently her CW promised that she would, but I suspect that after receiving her CS last Wednesday, that the remaining money wasn't much, and she refused to pay the bill.  She then checked out of the facility, and they now will not divulge her location.
 
I had attempted to resort to "Tough Love" and obtain a commitment order, but VA has some of the toughest laws on that aspect.  It was denied, as I had not observed her behavior that day.
 
My questions are many, I apologize for the lengthy diatribe, but all I can do is wait, knowing now that it will "swing" to depression again, and she will call.  I only hope that she does, before something else happens.
 
Treatment is necessary, but so far I haven't been able to get to get her to seek it.  The CW had made available all that she needs, but to quote the CW "She doesn't think anything is wrong with her".  From what I have determined, she is still in the area, her daughter still attends school, transportation provided by whatever shelter she is in.  My wife shouldn't be driving anyway, she let her insurance lapse, and her DL will not be valid much longer.
 
I'm prone to say, "This is a S#&t sandwich, and somebody's gotta take a bite".  Well this one's a Whopper, and I'm first in line.  Friends and family say take off.  But I can't.  I love this woman more than life itself.  I've been there for her so many times in the past 4 years, standing in harms way to protect/help her.  I can't abandon her now, nor will I.
 
Short of a commitment order ( I will have one if she flees to FL, I've already arranged that) I'm lost here.  Tired doesn't describe it.
 
What I wonder is:
Do others experience their partners cycle as if it was on a calendar?
Do others feel guilty about having to take action?
Any experiences like I've described here?
And finally, I'm open to suggestions.
 
**note:
I did find and purchased two books dealing with surviving BP, one I mailed to the shelter which they said they would forward.  I only hope that she opens it.  If she'll read the first 50 pages, I think she may be receptive to seek help.  I hope so for both of us.
 
Again, sorry for the long winded me.  I probably just needed to rant a bit

missflip
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 4/25/2009 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there. Welcome.

I have bp (rapid cycling). My husband notices when I cycle more than I do myself. So yes, I would say that other partners experience their partners cycles. He always points out to me when I am manic although I have been doing well on medication for several years now. He stood by me as a friend before we got married and as my spouse of 6 years now. We have been together for 10 years. He is wonderful and so supportive. But it is hard on him even though he would never admit it to me.

No, I just asked him if he ever feels guilty for taking action and he said no. Sometimes there were times when I didn't know that I needed my meds adjusted because I was so manic. He has saved my life. When in the throws of depression, he hid meds from me so that I would not overdose. He has rushed me to the hospital when my cutting got too bad.

You did the right thing by mailing her those books. I know it is hard and that you love her. But it really is your decision whether you stay or go, stand by her or get on with your life. My husband and I have two wonderful babies now. I had to go off some of my meds while pregnant and the road back to stability has been long. If she gets help and gets on meds that work for her (that won't be an instantaneous thing either; it is trial and error), you two could have a wonderful life together.

But she has to want to get help. She has to want to get help, I repeat. You cannot make her. It ultimately has to be her decision. So, having said that...it is your call.

I hope I have helped. Hang in there. You have a lot of history together. We are always here for you to rant or whatever you need to do.

Hugs,
Missflip
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/25/2009 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gideon's Trumpet,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It must feel good just to get it off your chest. Bipolars need help, and having a spouse who is stable, steady, reliable and loving can make all the difference. But you can't help her if she's not willing to help herself. She's clearly had a life full of chaos and pain, and that's very sad. All you can do is let her know you're willing to help her through this if she's willing to come back, see a psychiatrist, and get some counseling. But beyond that, you can't force her into a doctor's office. You can't force her commitment unless she's homicidal or suicidal-- and even then she'll only be in for 72 hours.

I wish you luck. I hope she comes back. But in the meantime, don't stop thinking of your own needs as well. You need to take care of yourself. It's good you've found this forum. There are lots of spouses here with stubborn bp spouses. :) You can share in the story-telling.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 4/27/2009 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all,

I kinow the drill about not being able to force one against their will. Even if I resort to involuntary commitment, there is no guarrantee that she would be receptive to the treatment. However, my experience with her, tells me that if done, the symptoms would present themselves on a grand scale. Enough that her stay could exceed 72 hours.

Should she flee to FL, my chances of success are greater than here in VA. Her PDoc in FL is actually on the staff for the same facility she would be taken to under what FL calls the "Baker Act". This most certainly would weigh heavy on her treatment, as the follow up arranged by him, was not met.

Things are still status quo, she remains "in hiding", with little to no money right now, that could change as soon as Wed, when her next CS payment is near due. Neither she nor her X understand Bi-Weekly vs. Bi-monthly. The X maintains a bi-monthly regimen, which would delay her receiving payment until after Fri. That will not be good. On Apr 1, she made repeated calls to Indiana checking for posting of funds, in addition to repeatedly calling the X on home and cell, which he doesn't answer around the time of payment. I'm sure the messages were quite intense.

So all I can do is wait, hope, and pray for the best. May will be a trying month for her, leading up to the summer vacation break. This happens each year, when her daughter travels to Indiana for 6 weeks. If I am able to get her to talk soon, I may recommend later on that her daughter remain for a bit longer to give her a chance to seek treatment, without the drama and responsability of having an enabling teen who encourages her spending sprees.

Thanks all, again, the encouragement helps. I just hope that I can see this through.

GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 4/30/2009 6:20 AM (GMT -7)   

Things are still idle.

I have found out some things, others remain more of a question of when.

She was at the local Rescue Mission, which of the three local, it was/is by far the best.  Her CW there, had told me that they have a policy that all monies received for a Client are held my the Mission, and they require a 75% savings regimen.  I told the CW that I supported that idea, but was not confident that she would remain, once the enforced it.

She did have her car fixed, at what cost, I do not know.  The part alone was about $200 then the labor, so I'm estmating $260 total.  Her CS is $400 bi-weekly except the X doesn't understand, he generally pays bi-monthly, which leaves him always behind.  She has yet to enforce that.  Knowing that she received her money on the 15th, (that was the day the car was repaired and left the lot), I was later informed some 5 days later, when I called her CW, that she had "checked out".  My suspicion is that they were going to keep her debit card, she rebelled, and left to another facility.

On the 14th, I had asked the City PD to conduct a "well being" check, to allow them to observe her demeanor.  The City PD never called me back, but that afternoon, a County PD Officer came to see me.  I was under the impression that he was called by the City, to basically have both agencies involved.  Fine with me.  That now appears to not be the case.

From what I have learned, once the City contacted her, she herself contacted the County, to file a DV report.  The findings of the Officer were that there was no DV, but he merely documented the incident.

The day after that report, she checked out of the Mission.  I have since learned that she has checked into the Salvation Army DV shelter with her daughter.

In Feb, after she was told to leave the Women's shelter in a nearby city, I attempted to get her into another here, so that I would have the time to find and secure alternative housing.  I took her to the SA Shelter, but she was turned down, as there was no DV.  So she knows that.

From what I have read, it appears that BP sufferers become Masters at manipulation.  Well, she has manipulated herself to where she is now.

Both agencies have indicated that she appeared fine.  Could this be mania at work, and appear normal?  In retrospect, normally she is a shy and quiet person, easy to get along with.  But what I now know are signs of mania, cause her to become quite assertive, to the point of stubborness to do things her way.  Although I haven't seen this at the moment, from what is being relayed, seems that she is exhibiting this assertiveness, and actually enjoying her current surroundings.  My fear is that once she doesn't get "her way", the cycle starts all over again, and she has no further options locally.

The Officers, tell me that she is in fear that I'm going to have her hospitalized, and that she has made it clear to them that she doesn't think anything is wrong with her.  She will have the support of her highly impressionable 13 year old daughter, who she leans on heavily when I'm not there.  I'm not happy with that either, no child should be put in that position as "care taker" at such a young age.

All I can do is wait.  Funds will be available to her in the next couple of days, but I am not convinced that she will pay her debt share on a critical bill.  Instead, I expect the norm to be at work, and if she receives her CS, she will be broke in two days.  I do NOT know if the SA has a similar financial requirement, and if so, that will cause problems there.

Caught between a rock and a hard place, on that sandbar.

 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/30/2009 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think you should rely on someone who is living in a shelter for any help with bills, Gideons Trumpet. She's having a terrible enough time as it is. I'm sure you're struggling too, but she should be working on getting out of the shelters and back into an apartment. I'm sure that's not happening either, but that should be her priority, especially with a teenage daughter. That girl is doubtlessly suffering. What a terrible shame.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/1/2009 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   

Going on prior history, when she has "moved out", she will pack non essential items, more for the activity than the necessity.

She will discuss each and every detail with her daughter.  It's rarely a Mother - Daughter relationship, she treats Cassi as an equal, often allowing Cassi to make final decisions.

The Shelter will provide assistance to get her on her feet.  However, I would guess that my wife's expectations will exceed reality.  Once in her own place, she would eventually realize that everything depends on her, and the cycle begins.

From what I understand, her progress and stabilization will take quite a while.  She does get demanding, and expects things to happen overnight.  In our preparation to move up here, she envisioned a log cabin on the mountain.  When I told her that wasn't realistic, she began to say things that her ex said in deposition.  She would threaten to leave, or delay the move unless she got her way.

I know I sound rather stern right now.  I still am worried and concerned, but I'm also becoming somewhat numb from all of this.  The guys on my shoulders each have a difference of opinion.  One says, forget it, the other says, hang in there, she needs you.

I'm trying to find an outlet aside from work.  But don't like being alone going out, and don't like being the third party with others.  TV is becoming too much of a friend.  And, I'm not sleeping all that well.

This is starting to take a real toll.  That, and I have to shell out an extra $350 dollars today, that I don't really have to pay our debts, since she is not contributing.

Oh well, I will survive....


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/3/2009 6:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Serafena,

No, I'm not relying on her to help/pay her debt, as I have not been able to for several years.  My hope was that her mood had moved to a more rational/responsible point, and that she would do as she had promised.

The manager at the storage facility in FL has kept in touch with me over the past month, specifically when I wasn't sure where she was.  "John" would let me know if she showed there.  He called me yesterday, asking for a good address for her, to send a notice of intent to auction.  She hasn't changed her mailing address for our PO Box, so he's sending it here, and I'll forward to the Shelter.

I intend to pay the bill this week anyway, but as you are aware, BP seems to wreck a families finances, and it continues to do so.  She will have received her CS sometime after last wednesday, and probably by tomorrow, she will be broke.  So much for the help.  I can't rely on it.

The Shelter has no policy of budgets for their Clients.  I think that is why she left the first, they did, so now she can do mainly as she pleases, without any responsability.  The gets food, shelter, and "support", so she is able to treat her CS as "mad money" (term she used when prev married, that she had 3K to 5K of spending "mad money" each month, husband paid all the bills)

So all I can do is wait and see if she clears and then calls...


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/3/2009 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
She's really very ill. It's such a shame that she won't get help. There's really nothing you can do, though. It makes me sad. She should be using that money to try and get out of the shelter. Who wants to live in shelters?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/7/2009 5:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Serafina,
 
I agree totally.
 
In the past year, while she was still in Florida, she began a trait that she knows I don't believe in.
 
about a month prior to her arrest last year, she had another episode, while staying at her Mother's.  She packed up again, with her daughter, and found a DV shelter in our county in FL.  She was there about 10 days, before coming back "home".  However, she had become involved with their "group sessions", and would travel from home to them a distance of about 27 miles one way.  This was also the case as she was going to the State Employment Commission looking for work (it's online, I tried to help her access via the local library) in addition to contacting the child support office in FL and couldn't understand that her venue was Indiana.  They would tell her so, but she would be back the next day.
 
The shelter was giving her clothes, shoes, TV's, etc.  None of this that she needed, as she has an abundance of "fine" clothes, from business attire to gowns, and more shoes that she can store.  I tried to explain to her that this was taking from someone that actually needed it, and encouraged her to stop accepting or asking.
 
Well, something happened at that shelter, and they told her she was no longer welcome.  I don't know why.
 
She then aligned herself with a local Church in our home town.  They have what they calll a "crisis center" mainly for needy people, that need food, clothes, basic necessities.  She began going there each and every day, receiving "supplies" at first, but then volunteering there to help receive and catalog.  Now that I suppose was a good thing, as her experience there would potentially help her in the long run.  When she arrived in VA, I found that the local Good Will was needing EMPLOYEES, and encouraged her to check into it, even pulling up the online website for her to reply.  She wouldn't do it.
 
I guess that prior to this past episode, I was "blind" to all of this.  At least I was probably "enabling" her to continue the trend, and not pressure her to seek the medical help she so desperately needs.  Once I left for VA, this trend continued, and escalated.
 
Now I'm told, her Mother has mentioned to others that she basically has washed her hands of her, indicating that she knows she can't "control" or deal with her.  That is sad.
 
I sent her a letter, indicating some things of importance that need to be addressed, sending it to the shelter, maybe it will open some measure of communication.  She now really has no place to go other than to be with me.
 
Once she sees where the subsidized housing is located here, I think she will turn away.  Most of them are in "projects" and with her prior life history, she would not/could not accept that.
 
So, I still wait, and hope.  Indicating in my letter, that I will always be there for her.  I'm hoping that I can keep that promise.  I'm trying to.

Mwarbucks
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/7/2009 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally understand the term "sandbar living" - it's terrible for the BP sufferer and loved ones.

You don't have much of a choice but to remain consistent that she obtain professional help and medication to tone down her manic episodes and eventual deep depression. I hate medication, however, unless she agrees to electroshock treatments, there isn't anything else. I don't really believe that therapy in itself can help an individual with bipolar disorder.

Just remember, right now, you must take care of yourself - you will not be any good to anyone if you don't start concentrating on being healthy. She knows she can rely on you, but also that you are the easiest to manipulate because you care the most.

Good luck to you.

M Warbucks

GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/13/2009 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   

The saga continues,

As of Monday, my wife's drivers license was suspended and her tag is now invalid/under seizure order.

I had mailed a letter to the Shelter on the 6th, letting her know that it was pending, and giving her two options to prevent it.  Today I received the letter back as noted ANK/return to sender.

Over the weekend her car changed spots in the lot, and yesterday during a driveby, it was gone, only to later return parked in a different spot from the previous day.

Now, she remains totally incommunicato, and apparently ignoring the idea that driving while license suspended is a criminal offense.  She knew it was pending soon, as prior to her leaving here, we had discussed it, with me planning to add her to my policy, surrender her FL tag, and facilitate her obtaining a VA tag and DL.

The mess just continues to escalate.  She is probably moving to mania by now, as her Child Support will be anticipated as soon as today, but may not be available until the weekend.

The Shelter is no help, I try to leave messages, and the "cover" for their Clients maintaining secrecy.  I understand that to a point, but apparently they care less about the actions of those Clients.

Oh well.... this is really getting me down.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/13/2009 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   
GideonsTrumpet,

You really need to move on a little and take some of your own life back. If you are passing by the shelter several times a day looking for her car, you are spending too much time trying to take care of a woman who does not want your help. You are giving her little chance of her own to take responsibility for her actions, which is exactly what needs to happen. Maybe she needs to lose her license in order to feel the reality of her mania. I know this is very hard to accept, but you just can't change this woman. She really truly needs to come to the decision to see a doctor on her own, and she needs to come back to you on her own. Nothing you say or do can change that. In the meantime, you need to live your own life and let her live hers. Stop trying so hard to communicate with her. She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want to talk to you. Regardless of her illness, you need to respect that. If she makes mistakes and ends up in trouble, well that's not your problem. She's the one who left, not the other way around. You can't save her from the screwy decisions she's making for herself. Instead, concentrate on making wise decisions for yourself. How can you put your own life back together again?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/19/2009 5:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Still trying to hang in there.

Things remain the status quo.  The second letter I mailed was also returned, unopened, with the "return to sender" in my wife's handwriting.  So, I will send no more.

Common sense tells me to just forget this, and move on.  Mighty hard when one loves someone as much as I do my wife.

Since we married last December, we've actually been apart more than we've been together.  That too makes this so hard to deal with.

I took the initiative yesterday, and found a counselling center for ME!  I have an appointment on Wednesday.  I did leave a message at the shelter, inviting my wife to go with me, but there has been no reply.  It's probably fruitless to try further.

Yes, as you can probably tell, I'm in a dark place.  I'm not sleeping, have little energy, it's causing me more pain than I ever thought I could deal with.

Our relationship has been full of trials and rough times.  I have several T shirts with the same comment, "let me drop everything and work on your problem".  They were intended to refer to my business, but for the past 4 years, it's been more toward helping out Kathy.

Maybe tomorrows appointment will improve my own situation, I know it won't happen overnight, but I've got to do something.

I sure miss the Gal I fell in love with so many years ago.  I'm also starting to miss me.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/20/2009 2:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gideon's Trumpet,

Hope today's meeting went well. Let us know when you feel ready.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/21/2009 7:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Well, I had a fairly long session yesterday.

"Debbie", listened as I recalled the whole story, and what was going on with me of late.

Having someone independantly confirm my opinion helped to some extent.  Solve it? No.

I did feel better afterward, although rather tired, as I'm still not sleeping, and have NO energy or drive. 

This morning, I'm back in the pit.  I realize this is depression at work, and I'm feeling very out of sorts.  I do and have been taking Celexa for some time, but this situation seems to exceed what it can help.

Kathy is still incommunicato, which really hurts.  I don't understand the need to be that way, but I'm trying to work it through to diminish that pain.

I'm considering moving back to FL, to be closer to my children, maybe going back to my "roots" will improve my situation, and being that far distant right now may help me cope.  That is unless she also returns to FL, which is likely as she has no where else to go.

Is there a clue there?  Maybe, I tell myself that going back may be best for me, and part of me realizes that she may be there too.  Which brings it back to where it is now.  But I'm really stuck in that pit, and need to be close to those that do love me, for being me.

Tears flowing...


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/22/2009 7:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, Gideon's Trumpet. I think the counselor was absolutely the right move. I suspected you might be depressed.

Florida sounds like a good idea. Moving on may really help you get through this and being around your family is crucial in times of crisis.

Take care,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 6/12/2009 11:02 AM (GMT -7)   

Update.

It has been a bit of time for me to get back on here.

I made the move to Florida, without my wife's knowledge.  I didn't even drive by the shelter to check if her vehicle was there.  I left direct and didn't hesitate.

I had been in FL the previous week, looked around for housing, found a small apartment with a sunroom that will serve as my Office.

As mentioned previously, nearly ALL of our accumulated furniture and belongiings have been in storage for nearly a year.  What an expense that has been.

The small storage I cleaned completely out.  Of the combined large storage, I removed the furniture, leaving only certain items not needed, and items of personal attachment, that will be obtained later, as I settle in.

The furniture I felt needed to be moved, by far they have the most necessity and value, and since she has not paid ANY of her debts, the chance of loosing them like last month, just made it necessary.

Should she discover the items are gone in the near future, that could bring SOME measure of a reality check into place.

Other than my family, and a couple of close friends, no one on her side realizes that I'm back here.

I recently read another post concerning a BP husband informing his devoted wife that he was leaving her as soon as released from the hospital.  The advice offered to her was to stand her ground, and insist that there was a relationship worth saving, but that unless the ill HB sought regular treatment and improved his situation, she was to stand firm and not be involved in his life.

That was my thinking in making this move.  I still love and miss my wife.  The woman she has become is NOT the woman I have loved.  She continues to make poor decisions, and may for some time.  She has yet to accept her own responsability for her actions, and the pain she has caused others.  This comes from a woman that has been previously known for her giving and loving ways.  It's now another entirely different person.

My own therapist is a mere 5 blocks away, he happens to be hers as well.  Understanding HIPPA, I can always say my thoughts, and he can listen, and hopefully take that into consideration should she return to his office.

In any event, I intend to not merely sit and wait.  I have things to do.

Anyway, I'm am feeling somewhat better, there are times, but my commitment to this is strong, and I will prevail.


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 6/12/2009 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
GT,

Wow, you did it. You did something for yourself, and it is probably a good move for now. You probably feel at peace about your decision, for now is a time to focus on yourself. Please keep us updated on how things are going.

Olivia
Olivia
Bipolar Co-Moderator
Donate to HealingWell at http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

Only by seeking challenges can we hope to find the best in ourselves. ~Robert Rodriguez

Don't let your yesterday ruin your today.
 
 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/12/2009 5:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Congratulations GT,

That must have been very hard. But you did something for yourself! You needed to take back control of your life from her and you did it. I'm truly, truly sorry to hear that your marriage didn't work out the way it should have. There's no telling what the future brings. But you need to have a life of your own, and I'm glad you're living it again.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 6/12/2009 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   
GT...I am glad you finally found it in yourself that you needed to move on. I hope your future continues to make you look optimistically.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 6/26/2009 2:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Yesterday (Thurs) I went to my local grocery store.  Usually I scan the parking lot, for signs of my Wife's family being there.  I have only two people in my family that know I am back in Florida, just a course of action that I chose.

While in the checkout, I noticed that my Mother in Law, and her Sister were walking in the door.  Not wanting to disclose my position, I attempted to just avoid them in the store.  Well, that didn't work.  The Aunt, who is my only real contact and is very cooperative walked past me, and of course, I greeted her with open arms.  She is sincere, but the family gets upset when she talks with me.  We talked over the next half hour, her sharing what has been happening to her knowledge.  She said that my Wife has not had contact with her family since April.  The only thing was a Mother's Day card she sent to her Mom.

She coaxed me to speak with my Mother in Law, which I did.  After the initial greeting, she asked me "have you heard from my girls?", I told her no.  She was obviously saddened at that point.

We spoke for a while, she's not well, and is diabetic, recently in the hospital for heart complications, following the episode about the items in storage that were subject to sale, until I paid the whopper of a bill.

I did not disclose that I was back, prefering to keep that close for now.  I did tell my Mother in Law that I would call and check on her from time to time, and if I heard anything from my Wife that I would call her.

She apparently was/is not aware that my wife and step-daughter are in a Salvation Army Shelter, she was quite surprised when I mentioned that.

Things are no better on that front.  Kathy remains basically homeless, her driver's license remains suspended, things are NOT moving forward for her.

I remain strong and diligent.  She will have to seek steady regular treatment for her illness, and I will not buckle!  Tough love is in store, and it will be decisive if she wishes to have any manner of relationship with me.

Her Aunt even commented, "she wanted you to marry her, and after you did, she just went the opposite direction"..... Perhaps the marriage in her mind, was just an accomplishment, and then to move on to the other desire of the day.  I don't take my vows that lightly.

As my Good friend and classmate, Tom Petty sang....."I won't back down".


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/26/2009 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Good to hear from you GT! I'm glad to hear you're still doing okay. You did well during this meeting with your in laws. It must have been tough. I wish your wife could see what is going on with her, but she's really lost. I wish there were some way to get through to her, but some people just need to figure it out for themselves.

Good luck!
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 7/30/2009 10:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Update,

Yesterday evening I received a "comment" on my blog for MySpace.

Since this matter began, along with this forum, I have kept those friends and family updated on what's been going on, via a personal blog on myspace.  I knew from the start that it would only be a matter of time, until my Wife, via her daughter (also on  ms) would discover what I had written.

Well, a message came in yesterday, from "emma peele".  My wife has always emulated the character from the original TV series, and years ago there was a slight resemblence.

The message started with an "OK", I'm well, going to Dr.s have had troubles myself with an addition to "how dare you list yourself as single?", and the comment that she is not divorcing me. (may be the other way around).

I reviewed the "profile", and quickly noticed that she mentions "Her Hero", and that someday "Her Hero" may come back to her.  Although the main content of the profile is more like a directed letter to me.

The things she has planned of course, indicate to me that she was/is in a Manic Phase, as it contains several grandiose plans that don't match. ( I don't think that a person receiving SSI for a mental disability, can attend college, if one can function in an institute of higher learning, one can work)  She also indicates that she has been approved for a full scholarship to a college in VA.  She hasn't attended but half of an associates degree and that was in 1980.  Maybe I'm just being a bit negative, but this has come up before.

My thoughts are that something has happened at the shelter, that they have probably insisted on an exit strategy, and she has none.  Her daughter apparently did/has not gone to visit her Father for the required visitation this summer, of course, it's not known if he voluntarily chose not to, or she has denied.  I would hope the former, as he has filed 4 times for change of custody.

As for the page on MS, her daughter had to put that one up for her.  My wife is not computer literate.  Especially since there are many "captured" photo's of Diana Rigg both promotional and from the series.  Three have comments remarking of her beauty, allure, etc.  One my wife captioned "Me in 1972-74".

I lent my BP Survivor book to my Mother in Law (yes I followed up, and have been in contact) so I don't recall if one imagining themselves as someone famous is mentioned, although I can understand that this could lend itself to grandios ideas.

Has anyone else encountered that aspect?  Imagining themself to be someone emulated in the past?

I replied to her today, telling her much of what I have said about my support and love, but also indicated that I will not entertain a long distance "on hold" marriage and relationship.  I also told her that should she return to FL, she is not moving in with me.  She will have to live elsewhere, and that I will support her in treatment, therapy, all the things that I wish to do to help her.  But that if she doesn't commit to help, our marriage will end beginning Dec 1, which is when in FL I can file.

Stern yes, Mean, I hope not.

As Johnny used to say, "More to come".....

G


GideonsTrumpet
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/5/2009 2:32 PM (GMT -7)   
New news....

Last Friday after 4 months I heard from my wife by email. We exchanged mail for nearly 5 hours. She was still restricted by the Shelter...so had to cut it short.

I didn't hear from her yesterday, which did cause some anxiousness, but today she called me, from the shelter telling me that she was headed "home".

Of couse that is GOOD NEWS!... she understands from our conversation that she won't be living with me right away. She and her dauther will ive with her Mother only about 9 miles away..... So that is good.

Our intention is for me to be there for support, help her as I can. I am told by her that she has saught help, and realizes that she needs help for her problems, not only physical but emotional/mental. So that's a plus.

I'm there for her, will support what she needs to do....she is after all my love, life, and future..... I don't know if others can feel the way I do, but I"ve loved my wife since she was 15 yrs old....and still do. I will always be there for her, and our voys together are very dear to me.... She is my world....

I'm stilll here you ******..... (meaning the illness)
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